Do we recycle to gain closure?

[clairedair]

I'm back at a stage where I feel a strong need to have a conversation with my ex where I get to say what I need to say and be heard; where I can ask questions that will be answered. But I'm trying to keep to minimum contact and I know from experience that trying to talk now will only make things worse for me.

I wondered today if I have recycled partly because it has given me the opportunity to be heard.  The 'honeymoon period' is the one time I can say how I felt/feel and not worry about rejection.  I feel such a sense of relief at these times.

I hadn't thought about this before.

Of course, I get that closure and then comes another whole layer of confusion to keep me ruminating for months! 

[healingmyheart]

Not sure you're going to accomplish much but maybe more frustration... .  just my opinion. You can ask all the questions you want but I doubt you will get the truth... .  he may just tell you what he thinks you need to hear.

Maybe you could write a letter to him and just pour your heart out and say everything you want... .  then place it in a drawer for a couple of weeks and revisit it and see how you feel then.  Hopefully by then you just want to burn it.

[clairedair]

Hi stolemysoul

thanks for the reply.

I know from experience that I won't gain anything but more confusion/frustration and I have written several letters that never got sent - including one of 17 pages! 

I was just wondering if one of the reasons I recycle is that this is a time when wer can have healthy conversations that are validating for me and feel positive.  However, ultimately the relationship itself is unhealthy because these conversations don't really end in things changing.

I'm trying to avoid being vulnerable to another recycle.

[trevjim]

Yes I think that is a reason to go back for some. I know I would of loved to sit her down and say right why did you leave me? Why did you do this etc.

However now with the knowledge of BPD I know that would be pointless and she would just be telling me what to hear.

You can see why people who don't know about BPD do go back though.

[LoveNotWar]

So, my exBPDh was arrested for domestic violence. I went to court for his sentencing. I read an impact statement. I asked for an apology. The judge told me not to ever expect a sincere apology.

But you know what? I got an apology. My ex said he was sorry he beat me but why  couldn't I do what he needed me to do and why did I make him act in such a reprehensible way. He said I ruined his life. 

So, the only closure I'm getting is the closure I give myself.

LNW

[clairedair]

Hi LovenotWar

so sorry to hear that you had to go through that.  Was it worse getting the 'apology' when it came with 'BUT... .  '?

As you say, the only closure we're going to get is the closure we give ourselves.  For me, part of that is accepting that his truth is not mine.  That my truth (about who I am and my behaviour) is more in line with what others tell me is true.  This takes time as his 'messages' get in the way.

I got the 'you ruined my life' phrase now and again.  I accepted it as true in the beginning because I had done something I regretted that had consequences but I realised over time that the consequences didn't need to be as severe as they were and also that I would have 'ruined' his life whatever I had or hadn't done.  Even now that I don't feel it's true, I still get upset thinking that he believes that.

Was the court appearance recently?  Sounds like a very difficult experience but I am glad that you got to make your impact statement and have others hear that even if the person you wanted to hear it didn't really listen.

[clairedair]

You can see why people who don't know about BPD do go back though.

Hi trevjim

I did go back after knowing about BPD - I think it made me more likely to recycle because I thought that the knowledge I'd gained would help me deal with things better.  In many ways, things were better but ultimately I got the same result - he left.

Everything said at the beginning would be turned around so I take your point that what was said when he was apologising/being positive about future was probably his way of ensuring that I 'took the bait'.  I was married to him for 20+ years and for most of that time things were OK (red flags when I look back but nothing over the top).  So I continued to see him as the person he was then.  Not the one he is now (after I ruined his life... .  )

[bb12]

My greatest fantasy remains an amicable meeting where I finally get a chance to ask questions.

But it's not going to happen. Complete silence is way more mature!

I go back to my journal entries from a year ago when I was in communication and exasperated : "Any Attempt to Talk Makes it Worse"... .  and there it is, underlined and in a different colour! I must have meant it.

pwBPD don't seek win: win outcomes.

Learning to live with a lack of closure in this single, tiny, element of my life is ok. I'm at peace with it.

NC all the way. The only way - despite the pull for answers.

bb12

[clairedair]

I go back to my journal entries from a year ago when I was in communication and exasperated : "Any Attempt to Talk Makes it Worse"... .  and there it is, underlined and in a different colour! I must have meant it.

So true.  I kept a journal as well - I find it hard to look at just now because I have entries like this where the futility of it all is evident and yet I kept trying again.  NC is the only way but we have children together and I don't have that luxury.

I am not sleeping well and having bizarre, bad dreams but functioning fine during the day.  It's like I know that I'm better off not in this relationship; that I can't control his feelings/behaviour etc. but underneath, there's all this stuff going on that comes out in the dreams.  I need to be occupied a lot or it comes to the surface.  So then there is the temptation to talk and get this out my system but it would just make things worse. 

He's already in another intense relationship and I know that if I tried to ask now about our break-up, he'll turn it into me finding his new love difficult to deal with - or worse, that my wanting a conversation about this is just me interfering and not letting him be happy.  I actually don't find it that difficult that he's loved up again because it's happened before and I know it reflects more on him than me.  What I find painful is that he left without really telling me, sent me an apology that contained several 'but you did this' type of phrases.  I've been with him for nearly 30 years (mostly on and off last few) and I feel he couldn't respect me enough to at least tell me what was going on.

Just as well I can rant here!