BPD 6th Sense / BS Meter / Ability to Read Others

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I noticed very early in our relationship that my BPDgf had an uncanny ability to read me, like no woman I had ever met before.  IT DROVE ME NUTS.  It was simultaneously extremely attractive and very frustrating.  Is this simply the result of a lifetime of not trusting others that leads to this trait?  Tell me more. 

[lonestar3]

I noticed very early in our relationship that my BPDgf had an uncanny ability to read me, like no woman I had ever met before.  IT DROVE ME NUTS.  It was simultaneously extremely attractive and very frustrating.  Is this simply the result of a lifetime of not trusting others that leads to this trait?  Tell me more. 

[charred]

Read up on "cold reading"... what pwBPD do is a combination of cold reading and really paying attention. They manipulate and watch for reactions... after a while... its the reaction that they attend to, not the truth or content of what they talk about. After many years, they get very attuned and expert in reading people.

[Southern_Belle]

Mine did this, too.

I don't know how to explain it. He would "read" the person, though, the way he would explain and process the information would be incorrect. Well, maybe 'incorrect' is the wrong word to use.

Oh hell, I don't know how to explain it. 

[GustheDog]

I either didn't experience this to the degree many describe or I didn't find it off-putting.

My ex is a very good listener (when she wants to be), and, obviously, she mirrored the ___ out of me.  I mistakenly believed that we "got" each other and that we had a really deep bond.  But I never felt like she was "in my head" or reading my mind.

In contrast, I'm pretty adept at seeing what makes people tick myself.  My mistake with my ex wasn't failing to see that she was troubled - I saw that from the start - it was failing to see that "troubled" = you are an object and are dispensable to me on a whim.

Anyway, the longer we were together, the more I could intuit her disturbed nature.  So, really, I was the one getting inside her head and she began to despise me for it.

[charred]

It seems like once you have their number and clearly understand them, you are to be avoided. My exBPDgf quit trying to recycle after the last meeting we had... I called her on the carpet for her unacceptable behavior... had proof she was lying about a number of things... and confronted her and refused to back down on my boundaries. Then she just gave up and stayed away... .  now I am working on getting my life back.

The weird thing that was described... she was astute at reading people... but  her guesses at what was appropriate... were way off. She would try to write a letter for something like changing her visitation schedule with her son... and it was bizarre, like you asked a 6 yr old to write it, odd mix of childish and off a bit faux legalize. She would try to do nice things for people and it was often over the top, like offering to step in and help at a fast food place that was really busy... while not an employee... that kind of thing.

[GreenMango]

Someone who has many fears, and unreasonable needs, is going to be hypervigilant to nuances in others.

The ability to read you may also be that people tend to pick the same type of person over and over again.  Being acclimated to a type can make a person very experienced in reading them.

My experience was in many cases my ex had horrible people reading skills that were based in perceptions of reality and fears that weren't grounded. 

[Take2]

Mine did this, too.

I don't know how to explain it. He would "read" the person, though, the way he would explain and process the information would be incorrect. Well, maybe 'incorrect' is the wrong word to use.

Oh hell, I don't know how to explain it. 

Mine totally did this... .    his ability to read people is truly unbelievable.  He really can detect the most subtle nuances in me or anyone else.  He can pick up these tiny cues that others don't notice and then promptly play on them to get information he wants without you ever realizing what he's doing.  And yes, he does very often misinterpret the information he gets... .  always deciding the worst in any situation. 

Master manipulator. 

[waitaminute]

Definitely had a 6th sense... .  Like an open channel in a higher dimension. Psychic really. But it really just confused her most of the time. So she would still project her own inner anger and fear onto people even if she was tuned in to them.

[susanleona]

I caught him once studying me when I was in front of him opening a gift from someone.  It just felt very strange, because most people would not have done something like that.  Yet though he studied people and talked to them all the time, he did not really respond to body language at all, he did not listen to what you were saying to him and I've been trying to understand all this without success.  

[LoveNotWar]

I think that 6th sense develops very early in life for BPDs who might have been exposed to abuse or neglect as a youngster. Like Green Mango says, if you're in a dangerous situation you become hyper vigilant.

So I see it like this... .  you're 6 years old, you need to get some needs met, you watch your parents carefully to figure out what to say when to get that money to buy a Popsicle or get that permission slip for a field trip signed.

Pretty soon you've developed a "6th sense" to get your needs met. I don't know if it's REALLY some psychic gift, I think it's just a learned behavior.

[Maryiscontrary]

Guys, I will admit I developed that 6th sense because of the instability of my foo. It is not psychic, it is hypervigilance. It is perception+ fight or flight (sympathetic nervous system).

So you are taking in more info, but epinephrine, the same as adrenalin, curtails processing of that info greatly. So that confusion enhances fight or flight even more, a panic attack.

You know how autistic people say the the sensory overwhelms them, and sometimes they go into overload? Its the same with attachment disordered people.

If the sympathetic nervous system hair trigger can be attenuated, the BPD disappears.

[Tired of it]

I have been thinking about something that was posted before I read it. 

SELF ESTEEM and SELF WORTH

The common theme amongst those who post are that we forget who we are.  We forget that we used to not know these people and got along in life just fine.  It is the fact that we sacrafice our own self-esteem, beliefs, values, etc to accommodate to a feeling we all "thought about" and "wanted" before we met them but were doing just fine without and perhaps would be doing much better if we had never met them.  We have to realize that there is nothing wrong with us but the whole plan was to make us believe that.  Getting back to loving ourselves is what it is all about and remembering that we used to not know these people.  Easier said than done but we really don't need therapy.  We need to "man up" and get back to who we used to be.  Being alone wasn't a problem before.  Remember that!

[waitaminute]

I'm glad and lucky to be free from the BPD. Sure... .  I miss the illusion and the real person that was there too. But she was bad juju for me.

Still, I think about what went wrong. Losing oneself? Worse. Becoming someone else. I mean through the craziness my normal carefree and adventurous self seemed anal and constrained. For example, we traveled around her country by car a lot. My language skills were just developing. I wanted to have a reasonable plan when we traveled. But she didn't like plans. She promised that she wouldn't rage if we couldn't find a hotel. So we would roll into some little coastal city at midnight and I would be trying to find a hotel. She would freak out because I wasn't just driving around to see the sights... .  At midnight. Then she would insist that we look at ALL the hotels before choosing one. Devaluing followed if I chose one otherwise. No maps, no help from her. So then she would scream "YOU RADIATE ANXIETY. I CAN'T STAND THIS"

Yup... .  I probably did. But it's not me. fact is, she hardly knew who I was through her mental filters. Many many other examples.

[Take2]

I have been thinking about something that was posted before I read it. 

SELF ESTEEM and SELF WORTH

The common theme amongst those who post are that we forget who we are.  We forget that we used to not know these people and got along in life just fine.  It is the fact that we sacrafice our own self-esteem, beliefs, values, etc to accommodate to a feeling we all "thought about" and "wanted" before we met them but were doing just fine without and perhaps would be doing much better if we had never met them.  We have to realize that there is nothing wrong with us but the whole plan was to make us believe that.  Getting back to loving ourselves is what it is all about and remembering that we used to not know these people.  Easier said than done but we really don't need therapy.  We need to "man up" and get back to who we used to be.  Being alone wasn't a problem before.  Remember that!

As much as I agree with most of this post - I disagree that all that some need to do is "man up".  That does not consider what severe emotional and/or physical abuse can do to a person... .  

[Cumulus]

My xBPDh was uncanny in his ability to "see" what I was thinking. It could make me a bit crazy at times trying to convince myself that he couldn't read my mind. He too was hyper vigilant, and would study anyone who he acquired an interest in. I think it was partly suggestibility as well. He would tell me I looked tired or cold or stressed and I would find myself believing that even if I hadn't been aware of the feeling before he said it.

[GreenMango]

Cumulus you bring up an interesting by product of dysfunctional relationships... .  projection, projective identification, and enmeshment.

It's a slippery slope.  If we have poor emotional boundaries, are fixers, or codependent its easy to get emotionally enmeshed.  Letting someone else over effect our emotions. 

This kind of progresses into the projection back and forth of emotions.  There's no boundaries there protecting our emotions from their emotions.  IE you are tired... .  when you are not, you are mad... .  when you are not, your partner is depressed it makes you sad, etc... .  

It's possible to take this a step further in a dysfuctional relationship to include projective identification.  This one is a doozy.

It can feel a lot like mind reading.

Here's four workshops/articles that explain these things better:

Projection

Boundaries

Projective Identification

Enmeshment/Codependence

[Iced]

Coming from a slightly different direction, starting from as far back as I can remember - like, 3 years old, I was always easily startled by loud sounds (popping balloons or popping anything being my absolute UGH to the point of phobia at one point), sensitive to harsh lighting (I still get migraines from time to time if I am subjected to sudden harsh lighting), and hyper sensitive to textures (fabric stores drive me crazy in a good way) and tastes (gooey, slippery anythings made me puke sometimes even if it was something delicious).

I was immensely detailed oriented even as a young child (I scored high on the OCD portion of the quiz Skip posted) and so I oftentimes picked out details that most everyone else had missed.  Like, the one flower in a large arrangement of flowers that was actually not a flower, but something else.  The rabbit in the moon.  The myriad of smells in the air.

I was frequently overwhelmed by everything going on around me when I was young and for this reason, there were certain places and situations my family avoided (busy malls during sales) so I wouldn't find myself so quickly overloaded.

Related to that, I grew up to probably be (and perhaps was even born to be) - as a result - hyperaware of my surroundings and that includes the people around me.  I didn't try to be this way.  It just - kind of happened this way.

I remember failing miserably at looking at pictures of people's eyes and trying to identify what these people were feeling, but when given the chance to look at the whole picture (whole face, body language, etc), I paradoxically did amazingly well.

Today, I can look at people walking down a street and tell you with great accuracy (though I wouldn't say that I would be right for sure because really, only the other person would know for sure) at least one thing that each person would be feeling or thinking about... .  and if I really have to sit here and think on "how do I know", it's because the people themselves are projecting it and I have simply become extremely good at reading those things just because of how hyperaware I have always been of my surroundings.

A faint furrow of eyebrows = thinking, worried.

A super tight grip on an umbrella = anxious, but a faint scowl = angry/upset.

A faked tone of voice = something is hiding.

A monotone voice = disinterested, blah, or even depressed.

A stomp stomp stomp of boots on pavement but a non-aggressive expression = in a hurry and matter-of-fact.

A person who has severe attachment issues and just... .  mental health related issues in particular are probably similarly sensitive... .  but for other reasons than, "Just because."

One of my other former friends (different one) who has BPD once told me that the reason they know how to read body language so well was because they learned it in order to predict when their own PD parent was about to go on a rage attack.  In their case, that whole '6th sense' business became a matter of self defense... .  or something to use to their own advantage.

Having had experience with pwBPD, this whole, "6th sense thing" also confused me (because in all honesty, the '6th sense thing' reminded me uncomfortably of myself at first) and my therapist sort of summed it up as this:

For persons struggling with severe and unresolved attachment disorders, one supposes that they literally see people whom they are in a relationship of some sort with as their potential "saviors" and thus, keeping the relationship = survival.

Though they may not be on the lookout for rage attacks, they may - on the other hand - be on the lookout for any way possible to "keep" their saviors attached to them and one of the ways is to, "have a 6th sense".

Like many of you said, this "6th sense" is almost an absolute and at times, the resulting conclusion that is drawn is completely wrong.

For example, my former fwBPD concluded that I wasn't feeling well based on my more silent behavior... .  which was true because I had just finished getting over being sick... .  

But they then translated it into, "I HATE YOU!  YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT LEAVING ME!" when in fact, my silence was literally because I was still drugged and just not very "there" at that time.

A problem with Projection Identification, I think, in the sense that my former friend projected their abandonment issues onto me which affected how they translated what they thought they observed I was feeling?

[Cumulus]

Thanks LS3 for starting this post. A very big aha moment after reading what others were saying and rereading the articles suggested by GM. This is a bit off topic, hope you don't mind but it came from thinking about that sixth sense. My reality was in large part dictated by my xBPDh. It is finally an explanation for me as to why I believed his often outrageous lies. I look back now and wonder how could I have been so stupid. I think that is the answer or certainly a large part of it. One giant step forward

[syz]

I also wouldn't discount provoking the emotional response they suspect you have.  This type of thing even happens in relationships without BPD.  Harville Hendix discusses it in his Imago theory of relationships.  There is a larger arc where we are attracted to people who fit our 'imago' a mix of caretakers and their good and lacking characteristics.  But also in short term we often provoke the response we expect because it matches our subconscious expectations so we either find it in a partner or generate it through our own behaviour. 

My BPD claimed she had a six sense about things and what I had really been doing.  I don't believe this is true.  I think she is exceptionally sensitive to her environment and rejection and so can sense any subtle shift in energy or mood.  Just because she watched and tracked me like a hawk and was  occasionally right doesn't mean she had a six sense.  If the accusations at the end were anything to go by she is wrong by a wide margin on a whole host of issues.  And she insisted she knew more than she was letting on as well and what had really "happened".  I did not take the bait. 

I mean I don't know what anyone thinks about real psychic phenomena but I grew up with a grandmother who seemed to have this gift and she was too often right about things that were about to happen to members of the family.  It was just common knowledge by the time I was born to not ignore Fixer  (that was her nickname).  So having lived around what I believe was the real deal makes BPD's 'six sense' look like flimsy huckster revival tent crap to me.