Can't bring myself to validate

[daylily]

I'm having this problem lately that I just can't seem to validate my uBPDh's emotional issues.  Literally the words will not come out of my mouth.  It's almost like a defense mechanism, like my psyche won't let me do it.

My H is an educated, intelligent man who stays home and watches our S4 and D1 while I'm at work.  (Literally, he turns them over to me when I get home, and I'm on "mommy duty" until I leave again for work.)  He used to work a little from home, but doesn't so much anymore.  I am the breadwinner and I support our family financially.  He has a friend who gives him work once in awhile and we try to find childcare for these situations.  S4 goes to preschool and then to my parents' house 3 days per week, but we don't have childcare for D1, so H watches her when I'm at work 5 days per week.  When he does have a job come up or an appointment or something, we have to make arrangements like me staying home from work or my parents watching D1.  It's hard to do.  I can't miss much work and my parents are getting too old to provide much more than they're already providing.

So this week H got some work to do 3 days a week for a month or so.  After considering a bunch of childcare options, none of which panned out, we arranged to have his mom watch D1 on the days that S4 is at school so that H could go to work.  One day after H started the job, his mom (also likely BPD) predictably canceled, saying she can't handle it emotionally.  H is understandably upset, as am I.

H wants me to admit that because he is having a tough time finding child care so that he can work, he's "the low man on the totem pole" and that "no one cares about him or his feelings or needs" and that "he's at everyone else's mercy."  Until I agree to those things, we're "not going to get anywhere."  I don't want to admit to those things.  I told him I understand that he feels that way and I'm sorry that he does, but that I view it a different way -- his primary contribution to our family is watching the kids.  It's such an important contribution that we can't find anyone else who can do it reliably and effectively.  I know that all of that is invalidating.  But I can't bring myself to validate his feelings of inadequacy.  Please help!  My empathy is gone out the window and has been replaced with a bunch of         

  Daylily

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[shatra]

Hi

  What about something like

"This is a really tough situation for you. I hear that you are feeling inadequate. Can you tell me more about what you're feeling?"

This might help him feel "heard" and validated, and  soothe him. He also might continue to open up.

Shatra

[briefcase]

Some times we just don't feel it.  It's best to just not JADE, and try not to make things worse when this happens.  It's not your job to soothe his feelings.

If you want to validate, I would be careful identifying inadequacy as the feeling to mention.  That is a more challenging term - even though he probably does feel inadequate - I see that escalating the situation, rather than making him feel heard.  Maybe unappreciated, or frustrated by the lack of outside the home work.

[Chosen]

How about validating the fact that it's a burden and it's difficult not to find the help you needed?

Like "Yeah it is difficult to handle so many things at the same time, and not to have help with the kids."

It is easier said than done of course, but if you're saying that it is the half-truth- you acknowledge it is hard that there is no help, but leave out the bit that he doesn't help you and makes it all the more harder for you.

Hugs to you daylily 

[yeeter]

I find its hardest to validate when I myself am worn out, tired, drained of emotional energy. 

If my own state of mind is suffering, its harder to provide the emotional care giving that the relationship requires.

Either that or its about tit for tat.  That you are still carrying resentment on his inability to be what you would like him to be.  (the eye roll is a form of condescending communication... .  ).  Working on acceptance is the key path forward if you are in this state.  (Starting with, its NOT a fair, balanced relationship and you know this so now what?)

[shatra]

Hi

Briefcase, after reading your post, I was wrong... .  Daylily sees him as feeling inadequate, yet he didn't actually use that word.  So he would likely not hear or like the word, and it would escalate.

   If they actually use an alarming word, we may be able to use the word in validating. Otherwise, the word "frustrated", as you wrote, works well!

Bye

Shatra

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... .  validation is tough, and I gotta say that when you aren't quite there, it is usually better not to try--I at least usually end up invalidating by accident.

I'm wondering if this is a situation for something other than straight validation. I'm specifically thinking of S.E.T. because it sounds like he has a problem with the "reality" of your situation.

Here's the truth that I suspect you want him to understand:

Your household is operating where you work to pay the bills, and he takes care of the children while you are working. His income won't handle the bills, and finding extra childcare isn't working right now.

(Now I'm feeling kinda like I should help you on the first two parts of S.E.T. but I'm not sure I've got it here. Maybe someone can help?)

[yeeter]

Hmmm... .  validation is tough, and I gotta say that when you aren't quite there, it is usually better not to try--I at least usually end up invalidating by accident.

I'm wondering if this is a situation for something other than straight validation. I'm specifically thinking of S.E.T. because it sounds like he has a problem with the "reality" of your situation.

Here's the truth that I suspect you want him to understand:

Your household is operating where you work to pay the bills, and he takes care of the children while you are working. His income won't handle the bills, and finding extra childcare isn't working right now.

(Now I'm feeling kinda like I should help you on the first two parts of S.E.T. but I'm not sure I've got it here. Maybe someone can help?)

SET might have the same hurdle.  If you arent feeling like validating, you might have a hard time genuinely offering Support and Empathy... .  

Understanding your own emotional state - and owning the reality of that is a good first step.  After which you can work on the engagement with your partner (because if you really arent supportive, empathetic of his emotions then its not going to come across genuinely and will not go so well... .  )

[shatra]

Hi

GreyKitty wrote

Here's the truth that I suspect you want him to understand:

Your household is operating where you work to pay the bills, and he takes care of the children while you are working. His income won't handle the bills, and finding extra childcare isn't working right now.

(Now I'm feeling kinda like I should help you on the first two parts of S.E.T. but I'm not sure I've got it here. Maybe someone can help?)

Here are my thoughts:

S----I want to work on this childcare issue we're having

E---This is a really frustrating situation for you---I understand that


Shatra

[daylily]

Thanks, everyone, for your comments!  I agree that it's hard to validate or do the "SE" in "SET" when you're feeling tired, resentful, angry, etc.  I have been thinking about why I have been so reactive lately and I think it's because I am afraid that if I don't fight back, I'm going to somehow fall into a state of perpetual weakness where I let him abuse and walk all over me.

I have been working on my own reactions to his comments and moods for now, rather than trying to figure out what to say to him.  Our S4 has been having some tummy issues and seems to be a little on edge lately.  I think he's reacting to the conflict in our house.  That's given me the incentive to stop fighting back for now.  When I feel like I need to JADE or snap back at my H, I think about my son and my priorities come into focus.  Suddenly it's not as important anymore to be "right."

  :)aylily

[Grey Kitty]

When I feel like I need to JADE or snap back at my H, I think about my son and my priorities come into focus.  Suddenly it's not as important anymore to be "right."

 

Yeah, nothing like getting your real priorities in place... .  (Sez GK while sitting in a family waiting area of a big hospital while a family member recovers from surgery... .  and looking at having a more surgeries later to finish putting things back together! Fortunately, this is now just looking to be uncomfortable and tedious instead of life-threatening)

I agree that it's hard to validate or do the "SE" in "SET" when you're feeling tired, resentful, angry, etc.  I have been thinking about why I have been so reactive lately and I think it's because I am afraid that if I don't fight back, I'm going to somehow fall into a state of perpetual weakness where I let him abuse and walk all over me.

I've found that working on my boundaries is one way to get my strength back, separate myself, and find more of the peace I need to validate. Best luck on finding yours 

[Auspicious]

He may want you to agree with his facts - or "facts" - but you don't have to do that to acknowledge the feelings.

"That has to be really hard, feeling like nobody cares about you."

"I would hate it too if I felt like I was at everyone's mercy."

Emotional validation doesn't solve his practical problems, but it can help him feel heard and understood. If he chooses to reject that - which he might, by pressing on and demanding agreement with facts - then that is a choice he is making.

You can't make him take the soothing balm of emotional validation. But you can offer it.

[an0ught]

Hi daylily,

I have been working on my own reactions to his comments and moods for now, rather than trying to figure out what to say to him.  Our S4 has been having some tummy issues and seems to be a little on edge lately.  I think he's reacting to the conflict in our house.  That's given me the incentive to stop fighting back for now.  When I feel like I need to JADE or snap back at my H, I think about my son and my priorities come into focus.  Suddenly it's not as important anymore to be "right."

it is ok to feel exhausted. Who cares about my emotions is a often heard cry on the board  

Validation can be hard work. And we are already much exhausted. It pays to consider why we are doing it:

1. codependent? Helping the other. Helping the other. Helping <oops, out of energy>

2. Helping ourselves. Calming the other to get our stuff done. Calming... .  

3 Understanding the other side.

... .  

From 1-3 it gets less exhausting and more sustainable. In any case it will be hard work. Sometimes things are picked up or a T gets involved and helps moving forward. But it is still a marathon and we need to manage our energy first and foremost.

His emotions are his problem and as much as we want and often can help we don't own this problem. Focusing on yourself at this time is a good idea. And when you are doing better he benefits too. He may even copy some things. So don't feel guilty, you come first!