break the walls down, its time we stop blaming them for how we feel

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

The topic is more geared towards those who have been hurting for more than six months. If you are freshly wounded then I'm sorry but this might still help you and will help later in the future.

I read something lastnight, something about being a man, or, Manning up if you will, and I believe I'm about to turn a corner with this information. I'll paste the quote later when I get back but it basically boiled down to this one key attribute: be in control.

Be in control of yourself and don't give that up for anybody, don't let others control your emotions especially if they aren't even in your life any more.

I realized, I am the one keeping myself sad, she hasn't done anything since August to taunt me or make my life miserable, so why am I acting like she's still here torturing me and enjoying another man right in front of me when if anything she's done her best to hide it, possibly maybe to try and not hurt me further, unsure of the motive but in retrospect, she's done nothing wrong to me since August.

Again, if your wounds are fresh then you are justified in your mourning and grieving, but if you are a better part of a year at NC and haven't seen them, there's no reason to still be stuck. Be in control.

Blaming them for how we feel is stupid and immature and probably why we got replaced in the first place. I can finally start to see maybe she was right, maybe I had some problems that resulted in her doing what she did. I needed to mature emotionally, weird because I used to be so in control, I yield my power to beautiful women such as herself. Well, no more.

I'm remembering who I was, am, and what I strive to be. If anything I should thank her now for showing me I needed to grow.

we can make the choice to be happy or sad, the choice is ours alone. We need to stop looking for others to blame. They did hurt us, but if they are gone, there's no reason to continue to hurt ourselves and blame them.

I'm not sticking up for them or saying what they did was ok or healthy, but I believe its time we step up and take back control... .  and accept reality.

Acceptance. Now grow and be in control.

Again this won't help fresh victims as much but to the war veterans here, its time to detach and realize YOU are the only reason, problem, and solution now. Its time we stop blaming BPD.

I'm seven months in and just now am starting to feel acceptance.

Do I miss her? Yes, dearly every day

Am I cured? No, but I am growing and putting the work in to make the necessary changes.

Was it BPD fault? No, I let this happen to myself, I need to forgive myself for letting it turn out this way.

I will be in control of myself, is time to step up and be a man.

Women it can apply to you too because its more about healthy boundaries and controlling your own emotions rather than letting every one else define you.

Let's take back control, no more excuses.

To those hurting, you'll get to this point when you're ready, keep working and fighting through the darkness, the light will appear soon enough.

[afterdeath]

The topic is more geared towards those who have been hurting for more than six months. If you are freshly wounded then I'm sorry but this might still help you and will help later in the future.

I read something lastnight, something about being a man, or, Manning up if you will, and I believe I'm about to turn a corner with this information. I'll paste the quote later when I get back but it basically boiled down to this one key attribute: be in control.

Be in control of yourself and don't give that up for anybody, don't let others control your emotions especially if they aren't even in your life any more.

I realized, I am the one keeping myself sad, she hasn't done anything since August to taunt me or make my life miserable, so why am I acting like she's still here torturing me and enjoying another man right in front of me when if anything she's done her best to hide it, possibly maybe to try and not hurt me further, unsure of the motive but in retrospect, she's done nothing wrong to me since August.

Again, if your wounds are fresh then you are justified in your mourning and grieving, but if you are a better part of a year at NC and haven't seen them, there's no reason to still be stuck. Be in control.

Blaming them for how we feel is stupid and immature and probably why we got replaced in the first place. I can finally start to see maybe she was right, maybe I had some problems that resulted in her doing what she did. I needed to mature emotionally, weird because I used to be so in control, I yield my power to beautiful women such as herself. Well, no more.

I'm remembering who I was, am, and what I strive to be. If anything I should thank her now for showing me I needed to grow.

we can make the choice to be happy or sad, the choice is ours alone. We need to stop looking for others to blame. They did hurt us, but if they are gone, there's no reason to continue to hurt ourselves and blame them.

I'm not sticking up for them or saying what they did was ok or healthy, but I believe its time we step up and take back control... .  and accept reality.

Acceptance. Now grow and be in control.

Again this won't help fresh victims as much but to the war veterans here, its time to detach and realize YOU are the only reason, problem, and solution now. Its time we stop blaming BPD.

I'm seven months in and just now am starting to feel acceptance.

Do I miss her? Yes, dearly every day

Am I cured? No, but I am growing and putting the work in to make the necessary changes.

Was it BPD fault? No, I let this happen to myself, I need to forgive myself for letting it turn out this way.

I will be in control of myself, is time to step up and be a man.

Women it can apply to you too because its more about healthy boundaries and controlling your own emotions rather than letting every one else define you.

Let's take back control, no more excuses.

To those hurting, you'll get to this point when you're ready, keep working and fighting through the darkness, the light will appear soon enough.

[Rose Tiger]

There was nothing like the pain of having the person I loved turn on me.  Nothing comes close to that level of devastation.  It's like getting hit in an accident.  You didn't ask for another driver to ram into you.  You did nothing to deserve it.  But.  It would be my responsibility to make sure I got medical treatment, I would have take responsibility for getting the car back in working condition.  I would have to deal with medical bills, insurance, physical therapy if needed.

It's not my fault I got hit, it is my responsibility to get everything back in functional order.  Might be on crutches for awhile... .  

[Maryiscontrary]

Really, reLy insightful. Thanks guys.

[Newton]

afterdeath... .  these are really important ideas you are exploring  

We have all been through an emotional wringer... .  but victimizing ourselves will promote and extend the amount of pain we need to suffer.

Accepting what we encountered, how it affected us and then taking responsibility for our own healing is essential... .  

Others can assist... .  but no one can do it for us... .  I'm so pleased you are where you are right now  

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, it is perfectly acceptable to value and protect your emotional real estate.

[GustheDog]

There was nothing like the pain of having the person I loved turn on me.  Nothing comes close to that level of devastation.  It's like getting hit in an accident.  You didn't ask for another driver to ram into you.  You did nothing to deserve it.  But.  It would be my responsibility to make sure I got medical treatment, I would have take responsibility for getting the car back in working condition.  I would have to deal with medical bills, insurance, physical therapy if needed.

It's not my fault I got hit, it is my responsibility to get everything back in functional order.  Might be on crutches for awhile... .  

This strikes the right balance in my view.  Splendid metaphor.

My next vehicle shall be a tank.

[afterdeath]

Sorry it took me so long to get the quote, I've been staying away from the boards but someone triggered me again today when they told me they saw the ex with her new "ugly boyfriend"... funny thing is, she never seems to have daughter anymore when seen. Not surprised as she always made me watch her or pawned her off to a family member... .     

Anyway, here's the quote:

"I think there is a lot of confusion about the term “alpha male.”  There are so many

people out there throwing the term around so loosely that many of us have

distorted its meaning.

So I want to just toss out the term completely.

Let’s just focus on the idea of displaying your masculinity.

The first thing that might pop into many of our heads when we think of the

idea of displaying masculinity is the meat head in the bar looking to take a swing

at the first guy that looks at his girl.  Or some of us might have visions Michael

Phelps collecting his ninth gold medal.  And others of us might imagine

masculinity to be a suave James Bond character effortlessly seducing the most

beautiful women in the bar.

But masculinity does not always have to be this massive display of showmanship.

In fact, often time, masculinity is best expressed in the subtle things we do.  It is

silently conveyed with decisions we make.  And it is ultimately defined by the way

we live our lives.

What are the qualities of masculinity that we can incorporate into our being?

“There are two questions a man must ask himself:  The first is ‘Where am I going?’

and the second is ‘Who will come with me?’  If you ever get these two questions in the

wrong order you are in trouble.”

The first thing a man needs to do in order to encapsulate the characteristics of

masculinity is to take full responsibility for his life.

Take full responsibility for your life

You must decide right now that you will be the sole determiner of how your life

pans out.  This means that you no longer blame anyone or anything outside of

yourself for your success or failures.  You have made a crystal clear decision of what

you want to achieve in life… and you take 100% full responsibility for achieving it.

Once you have taken this internal vow of full responsibility for your life it is time to

set boundaries for yourself.  These boundaries will make up what many people refer

to as “integrity.”  These boundaries will define your own behavior, and will also

define the behavior you are willing to tolerate in other people.

Set your personal boundaries

One of the most prominently displayed characteristics of a real man is the ability

to walk away from anyone or anything that compromises the boundaries that he

has set for himself.

Throughout life you will often run into people who will try to exert control over

you through the use of guilt, approval, sex, money, or shame…  there is nothing

more powerfully masculine then to send the message to everyone around you that

you cannot be controlled.

This puts you in the position of being the person that other people revolve around…

rather than twisting your ideals, values, and goals for the first woman willing to

spread her legs for you.  And this “willingness to walk away” radiates outward…

Ask yourself, “What am I not willing to tolerate in myself?”

Ask yourself, “What am I not willing to tolerate in those around me?

Show your sword without using it

When many men decide to set boundaries for themselves and define how their

life will go, they make the mistake of taking on a “me vs. the world” attitude.

Now that they’ve finally set boundaries for themselves they look for any opportunity

they can to enforce these boundaries through the use of sharp words… or brute force.

But this way “me vs. the world” attitude winds up having the opposite effect, and

instead makes the man look like a little boy unable to control his emotions.

Much more powerful is the man who is able to show his sword without using it.

This is the man who has such rock solid internal confidence that those around him

naturally back down without him having to use threats or violence to accomplish this.

The man may know that he can “take” the other guy… but instead he handles the situation

in a mature manner… allowing the other guy to save face.

Be “cool as hell” in a gun fight

Anybody can put on a mask of manliness and walk through life.  And many times that

false mask will get you pretty far.  But you can count on one thing… at some point in

your life you will be tested.  And it will be at that point that your true colors will be

revealed.

I remember a few years back I knew a guy around campus who was dealing drugs.

This guy had the outward appearance of “being cool” and “alpha.”  But when the day

came where the cops busted into his dorm room, that same guy cried like a girl, and

began ratting out everybody he knows.

Real men are able to control their emotions in every situation.  When a real man catches

his woman cheating on him… he simply walks away and finds another one.  He doesn’t

let the pain from the encounter send him into an emotional tailspin wounding him for life,

and making him permanently lose trust in women.

A real man is a rock in every situation.

And a real man handles himself the exact same way no matter who he is around.  This

means that he is unaffected by beauty, class, wealth, or social privilege.   He can intermingle

between any groups, and does not shift his values to do so.

Encourage and mentor others

A real man is so content and satisfied with own life that he does not feel threatened

by the success of others.  In fact, a real man encourages the success of others and looks

for ways that he can help other men accomplish their goals.

You will find throughout life that many men who you initially think of as “real men” will

often reveal their true colors by trying to “hold down” other men who they feel as a threat

to their power.

Real men don’t feel threatened by anyone else’s success"

Thoughts?

[Maryiscontrary]

Sounds like the prefect sexy guy type. Also, it seems like this would be attractive features for a woman as well.

I very much concur with the boundaries part. When you operate according to your values, and keep boundary crashers at a distance, wonderful things happen.

For instance, I feel like my feelings are more understood. well duh, I am only associating with emotionally intelligent people. Seriously, invalidating environments throw everything downstream way off whack. You feel terrible, and your reasoning is not as sharp.

Taking responsibility for one's feelings usually untimately means... .  for people like us... .  doing less work. if you are not carrying the scapegoating, gaslighting, and dumping, You are doing far less cognitive work. If you are relating better to your fellow man, then you have far less stress, and so you are doing less work.

When one is codependent, one is operating like an engine with a lot of sludge. Very inefficiently.

[turtle]

I very much concur with the boundaries part. When you operate according to your values, and keep boundary crashers at a distance, wonderful things happen.

For instance, I feel like my feelings are more understood. well duh, I am only associating with emotionally intelligent people. Seriously, invalidating environments throw everything downstream way off whack. You feel terrible, and your reasoning is not as sharp.

Taking responsibility for one's feelings usually untimately means... .  for people like us... .  doing less work.

if you are not carrying the scapegoating, gaslighting, and dumping, You are doing far less cognitive work. If you are relating better to your fellow man, then you have far less stress, and so you are doing less work.

When one is codependent, one is operating like an engine with a lot of sludge. Very inefficiently.

Yes... .  to ALL of what maryiscontrary said!

I have noticed that over the years, as I have become more grounded, centered, committed to my boundaries, and staying aware of exactly WHO is allowed to be around me... .  my emotional life has gotten so much better.  Even though my life circumstances may not be what I'd like them to be, I am still at peace most of the time.  And... .  I have now the energy to devote to dealing with my life circumstances because I am not tapped out from dealing with a tornado of dysfunction 24/7.  And THAT... .  is because I changed.