Period of Calm

[hopesky]

I have been working on myself in therapy, and reading and I must say it's been nothing short of amazing.  The isolation in a BPD relationship can be overwhelming and reconnecting with family and friends is awesome!  Also just realizing that I don't have to take on and "own" other peoples issues to show I care has been so liberating.  It's been over a month since any signifigant episode with my BPD wife and I'm just wondering what others experience with BPD partners is regarding time periods between arguments?  Sounds a bit odd, but in a way I'm looking forward to the next verbal assault to test my new tools in dealing with it.  But the long time period has almost started to feel like a changing of the guard, where she is walking on eggshells around me?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[daze]

Hi Hopesky,

I find that when I post something positive here about the r/s with my uBPDh (from whom I am separated but still in r/s) that something changes and we have a cycle.    Then I get a chance to really practice my new communication skills.

Since I began therapy last fall, found this site, and began reading, the changes in me have led to improvement in the relationship.  Namely my communication skills have improved. He can tell a major difference in me.  At first he was scared that I would end the r/s when I began therapy but now he see that isn't the case and that it's really helped.

She could be walking on eggshells with you but maybe you are practicing what you are learning more than you realize?

[hopesky]

Thanks for the comment Daze,

I'm cautiously optimistic that the "new me" is positvely changing the relationship- She seems to be aware that her previous behavior does not get the same reaction from me any longer.  I use to react to her anger by scurying aound trying to fix whatever "problem" she was having with me, or a family member, child, neighbor... .  etc.

Now I very calmly and clearly ask what she needs from me- which she has an extremely difficult time articulating besides different variations of "MAKE ME FEEL BETTER"... .  which of course I can't do.

Very nice living without the knought in my stomach and insomnia I used to have!

[tuum est61]

Now I very calmly and clearly ask what she needs from me-

Excellent progress for sure!  

The simplest form of S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) is

S. I want to help you.

E. I see you are upset.

T. What can we do about it?

You seem to have mastered the Truth portion by simply asking what she needs from you.  

What do you do when you find that you are in fact unable to help?    

[hopesky]

Now I very calmly and clearly ask what she needs from me-

Excellent progress for sure!  

The simplest form of S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) is

S. I want to help you.

E. I see you are upset.

T. What can we do about it?

You seem to have mastered the Truth portion by simply asking what she needs from you.  

What do you do when you find that you are in fact unable to help?    

Run!

Just kidding- usually it’s a challenge to get a clearly defined issue.  Her feelings can bend her reality.  So assuming there is a clearly defined issue, and there is truly nothing I can do,  I validate how lousy she is feeling and make clear that I certainly wish I could help in some way and just leave it at that.

This actually just happened today with some checks she lost.  I made clear that I can help her look around the house for  them,  but politely stopped her when she was trying to figure out a way it was my fault.

[tuum est61]

So assuming there is a clearly defined issue, and there is truly nothing I can do,  I validate how lousy she is feeling and make clear that I certainly wish I could help in some way and just leave it at that.

Just the answer I was looking for!