Learning to cope with my BPD Mother

[NonBPDaughter]

Hello! Its so nice to find a place to share support!

Im 28 and learning to cope with my worsening BP Mum. So many of the stories on here ring true and strike a chord! My mum is an undiagnosed bp, my psychologist has been working with me and thinks even without having met her she is a high functioning though severe BP.

After years of stress and anxiety i was finally driven to therapy after becoming physically sick from the stress and constant aggression, drama and general angst and chaos that follows where ever my mum goes! I was suffering headaches so severe the pain was causing the right side of my face to droop whenever the pain came on. Coupled with waking in the middle of the night to throw up from a dead sleep i honestly thought i was dying!

After numerous visits to specialists they finally told me there was nothing wrong and maybe i needed to see a psychologist. After only a few visits she knew exactly what was going on! She gave me some literature to read and while confronting and difficult to read it was a relief to know that i wasnt the death filled horrible girl my mother tells me i am! im 6 months in and its day by day process.

After many years of horrible interactions (refusing to speak to me at my wedding except to tell me on my wedding day that i didnt have her blessing, that my dress was ugly and the union wouldnt last) I am moving forward with my therapy. I am still "grieving" for the mother i will never have and learning how to establish boundaries with the one i have got. Every day there is some sadness that she wont be able to interact with me in a loving way but as she is getting worse and worse with every passing month even, i am so determined to learn to establish boundaries and get my stress and anxiety levels down!

As hard as it currently is its comforting to know that this is a well worn path and many before me have learnt to adjust. Knowing that at some point down the line i will be ok is a relief!

[Cheshire]

Welcome nonBPDdaughter!

I can sympathize with your story. My uBPDm sounds a lot like yours. I too was getting sick from the emotional toxicity until I took steps to protect an nurture myself. I'm so sorry she tried to ruin your wedding. You're right in that this place helps provide a well-worn path even if every step and every day is a struggle. I've been on it for about 17 months now. Have you read Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson? I found that one very helpful, if very painful, to read. I wish you luck in your journey. Keep reading and keep writing, we're glad to have you here.

Cheshire

[healing_orlando]

Hello NonBPDaughter, and welcome!  

I am 33 years old and just like you, recently found out (less than a year ago) exactly what is wrong with my mother.  I just wanted to say hello and tell you that I have felt the exact same symptom of horrible headaches on the right side of my head... At some point I even thought it was a brain tumor because it was putting so much pressure on the right side of my brain.  Thankfully, my therapist put that worry at ease, and told me that it is a common symptom... I also have severe panic attacks whenever I am put in a situation of having to interact with my mother... In any event, it does get better with time and understanding of the disease.  I am still working through things, but it does get better...   I wish you the best.

[NonBPDaughter]

Thank you Healing Orlando and Chesire! Chesire I will find that book. I agree, some of them are quite hard to read.

Healing Orlando, oh my i though i was dying! and exactly the same"brain tumor" pain! I was so shocked and humiliated when i learnt there was nothing there! im working on the panic attacks... .  every time the phone rings my stomach churns! Thanks for reaching out. I am really grateful.

I thank you both for the support, and happily offer it in return! my therapist is lovely, so lovely, and i am so glad i stumbled across this page.

[Clearmind]

 

NonBPDaughter, welcome to bpdfamily.com. I too have an uBPD parent and completely understand how it can impact. I am really pleased you are seeing a therapist. I have been seeing one for 18 months since learning my father is more than likely BPD.

I understand that grief you feel. I certainly have pleasant interactions with my father – keep it fairly neutral and don’t delve too deep into discussions. I now know what my father can and cant provide – he does the best he can with the skills he has.

Acceptance and forgiveness can happen. You are certainly working towards it with the support you are receiving.

Is you therapist working with you on coping strategies? How to look after yourself and your needs?

[NonBPDaughter]

Hello Clearmind!

Im in Sydney, are you on the same timezone as me?

Its been a very difficult few months of wrapping my head around a BPD diagnosis for her. I guess things have never really been right, and up until i got engaged id always been out of her firing line. But shes making up for it now. I started seeing my therapist as I wanted to learn about Bipolar (my younger sister) and so i could help support them both, but with in a short time she worked out what was going on.

After my mothers behavoiur during my engagement, wedding and even now on a day to day basis im sure she is BP. Everything i read just makes me more certain. Im currently working on getting my physical self better, learning relaxation and meditation to reduce and cope with stress, breathing. Were also working on me setting boundaries with my mum on a day to day basis, sometimes this is futile, sometimes it works! were also working through the "greiving" and working on ways to cope with her as she is just getting worse and worse! Even a discussion about my friends new baby turns into a fight about how she doesnt want to be a granmother and her life will end and i wont be able to raise a child and shell have to do it all!

its a slow process, but in just the 2 days ive been reading this site i feel a little lighter knowing theres a great support and information source available.

[Clearmind]

Im in Sydney, are you on the same timezone as me?

Yes I am and what a glorious day.

I have an Aussie flag in my signature and you spell Mom, Mum 

Its been a very difficult few months of wrapping my head around a BPD diagnosis for her. I guess things have never really been right, and up until i got engaged id always been out of her firing line. But shes making up for it now. I started seeing my therapist as I wanted to learn about Bipolar (my younger sister) and so i could help support them both, but with in a short time she worked out what was going on.

After my mothers behavoiur during my engagement, wedding and even now on a day to day basis im sure she is BP. Everything i read just makes me more certain. Im currently working on getting my physical self better, learning relaxation and meditation to reduce and cope with stress, breathing. Were also working on me setting boundaries with my mum on a day to day basis, sometimes this is futile, sometimes it works! were also working through the "greiving" and working on ways to cope with her as she is just getting worse and worse! Even a discussion about my friends new baby turns into a fight about how she doesnt want to be a granmother and her life will end and i wont be able to raise a child and shell have to do it all!

its a slow process, but in just the 2 days ive been reading this site i feel a little lighter knowing theres a great support and information source available.

It is a hard reality I agree – in time it all filters down I can guarantee that. You are on the right path with professional help. I guess what we need to remind ourselves of is that our Borderline parents wont change and all we can do is protect ourselves with good firm boundaries.

Much of her reaction to your wedding are her own fears being projected onto you – nothing about you at all. Trust that you are capable of now running your own life – we are adults with adult privileges – bust out those boundaries! And don't take the accusations and blame personally.

Lots of lessons at the top of the board when you are ready to check them out. I can post a few important ones if you like.

[OnlyChild]

Why do BPD moms sabotage our relationships?   My mom tried to alientate me from my girlfriends, never had anything positive or supportive to say about any of my boyfriends, and remained negative about my husband right up until her own death.   Why do they do this?

[hopesprings]

OnlyChild,

I think BPD mothers are particularly threatened by relationships that we form apart from them. They want to be the predominant (maybe only) relationship you have.  My mother always commented that my girlfriends have "strong personalities" which I find interesting because I now understand that my mother does not have a well defined personality so being around women who are comfortable being themselves and voicing their thoughts is uncomfortable for her.

I was my mother's "golden child" right up to when I got married in my early 20's in part to get away from her.  Everything changed after my wedding.  I had abandoned my mother and that was not OK.  She was going through a divorce and if I didn't call every day to "support" her, she got upset and said I was siding with my father.  My enmeshment with her almost ruined my new marriage.  Thankfully, my husband and I are still together 20 years later.  After I got married my mother started directing a lot of attention towards my sister who was still available to her. 

They do this because they have BPD and anything that they sense as you moving away from them is threatening.

[OnlyChild]

Thank you, hopesprings.  I think you are absolutely correct about the fear the BPD mom has about losing us... . about losing 100% of us.   Unfortunately something has to give and for me it was me.  Now to find myself and understand who I am independent of all the noise she planted in my head is a challenge! 

I'm glad you have a supportive husband who stuck by you for 20 years!   I'm sure that was super hard for him not to have the acceptance/support from his mother-in-law. 

[AbbyNormal]

Ever want to reply to a post and just say, "Yeah, what they said." That's how I feel now. Wedding drama? I can relate. The day after I announced my engagement, my mother "fell" down some stairs at work. She went to the ER and I took off work to meet her there. The docs did x-rays and pronounced her okay--just a little bruised. She insisted she had two broken hips. To this day she tells people I abandoned her and moved away while she had 2 broken hips.

Once it was clear that I was still moving, despite her "broken hips," she tried several rounds of enmeshment. She promised us the moon, so long as we lived close by. My husband was in the military at the time and that meant I would be moving about 1400 miles away. Once she really realized I was really leaving, well, it was rage fest. She announced she wouldn't be attending my wedding, and she didn't. And, as I've mentioned in other posts, she was my only family.

Meanwhile, I rented a house that my mother received as an inheritance. She inherited it from my grandma and when my grandma passed, I started renting it from her. The week I was set to move away, she looked around town for me and when she found me there was a terrible confrontation. She raged about how awful I was for moving away. I told her I was leaving and that I wasn't going to stand in a parking lot arguing and with that, I got into my car. She physically pulled me from the car, threw me to the pavement, started punching me, took my car key, and threw the rest of my keys at my face. She told me to get out of her house that night (I wasn't set to leave for a few more days) and if I was in the house in the morning, she would have me arrested for trespassing.

I walked back to my house from that parking lot. I climbed in through a window to unlock the door, as she had also taken my house key. I packed my stuff as hastily as possible and got on the road. Every time she tries to throw me under the bus about that two broken hips crap, I think to myself that those hips didn't seem to be bothering her too badly that day.

She will still sometimes ask me if I realize what people think of me for abandoning her with two broken hips. She'll say people wonder what's wrong with me, why I can't be a good daughter, and how I can be so cruel to my mother.

It has been a long road that I have traveled since those days. For a long time, I did think I was a heel and that I had abandoned her. I actually thought I was weak for leaving and selfish for wanting my own life. When I look back on it now, I can't believe what I endured. I am proud that, despite going through that much, I held my ground.

What a great place this is. I'm so glad to have found this corner of the world.   to all!

[NonBPDaughter]

At least we have this place, not only do we get support, but we can reinforce our own self talk and hold form to the belief that its not us!

AbbyNormal, im so glad you have gotten away. The emotional abuse is hard enough to take, let alone the physical. What startles me the most is how freakishly alike all our stories are. When I got married 2 years ago, I could have sworn that my mums behaviour was a freak occurence! But i just am lost for words that we all going through the same things, almost word for word. How could someone else, ive never met, in place ive never been to, be having the exact same conversations as i have had? BPD.

I read on here almost daily, just to remind myself that her behavior is not ok, that its not me, im not being unreasonable.I stupidly doubted my self about a week ago and made contact, believing maybe i was getting caught up in the psych talk, maybe i was exaggerating things in my mind. I was rewarded with rage and abuse, hysteria and total insanity. Lesson Learnt!

Keep reading and writing, friends. Together we can come out the other side!

[OnlyChild]

NonBPD Daughter:

I completely agree with you.  I too am amazed at how similar all of our stories are!   That gives me comfort... . Ialso agree that it is really easy to doubt our resolve; to doubt that this could have really happened to us.   In the Understanding the Borderline Mother book, there is reference to Alice in Wonderland.    That was the life we lived---where down was up and up was down... . where we had to frantically provide for the whims of our mothers just like the mad hatter.    We do need each other to stay strong.  To help each other believe that what seems to be so unbelieveable is unfortunately real. 

[jase]

She insisted she had two broken hips. To this day she tells people I abandoned her and moved away while she had 2 broken hips.

My mother still thinks my sister threw a party the night she had an extremely mild heart attack.  She told us she was fine, which she doesn't remember - she brought it up again the other night, and it's been over five years!  My sister was having people over and thought things were fine (mom practically lives in the ER), and I told her to keep her plans.  She gets blamed, of course.

List an ailment, and my mom has/has had it.  And it's all about her - my partner's mom died last month and she STILL made it about her.  She genuinely was jealous of the attention my MIL was getting in death.  I think my mother wants an Imitation of Life scene at her funeral, with wailing and casket climbing and crippling guilt.