tv addiction

[benny2]

This may seem rather trivial but it has made me wonder. My pwBPD throws himself into the television. I'm thinking it might be a way of putting his mind to rest and concentrate on something else, but the thing that bothers me is its always the most blood and guts movies he can find and he watches them over and over. He never watches anything comical or family orientated besides the news. I know its probably a guy thing, but why always violent movies? Kind of creeps me out.

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[SoftLanding]

My uBPDbf does that too.  It doesn't stop there though... .  He gets very upset if I complain by saying "again?", leave the room, pull out a book or put headphones on to avoid the movie.  I have to watch it with him or he's very unhappy.  My life is so much easier if I just pretend to watch, so that's what I do.

[benny2]

Thats what I do too.

[SoftLanding]

Some insight... .  My guy thinks the United States is going to go into a civil war at any given moment and watching these movies will help him learn to protect himself and survive.  That's why he wants me to watch too.  I'm so tired of depressing television.

[wanttoknowmore]

Thats interesting. BPDs are fascinated with blood. Some of them self mutilate to see blood and feel some relief from the numbness and boredom they feel. Mine doesnot like T.V. at all, she is into computers and latest i phones and other electronic gadgets to keep in touch with family and friends everyday. Spends lot of money on new tecnology. I guess, they have different methods to not be alone ... .  they just dont want to feel "alone" They dont like their own company.

[briefcase]

Hi Benny,

It sounds like maybe you are feeling lonely as he watches Rambo for the 100th time. I'm not sure how much this has to do with BPD though.  Lots of people watch too much TV.  Lots of people, especially guys, like war movies or violent movies.  I doubt people with BPD are any different from nons in this. 

When we learn that our partner has, or might have, BPD . . . it's pretty normal to start thinking that everything we don't like about them is because of the disorder.     

I think its a mistake to just pretend to watch what he likes all the time.  What happens when you suggest a movie?  Maybe try DEARMAN to tell him about your needs - more time together doing things you both like, etc. 

[benny2]

Thats so true briefcase, but our time together is very limited since I moved as I work 2nd shift, so its only maybe one day a week that I am able to go over there early enough to watch tv. Other nights I go over after work and its the news and to bed, basically he can't sleep without me there. So funny, we watched Rambo again last night and I suggested we go to bed because he said he was up the entire night before, (I was not there) and he said he had to see the ending where Rambo slices open the bad guys stomach and the intestines fall out. Gruesome! Maybe I can find a movie about someone who has BPD, that may be an eye opener.

[patientandclear]

Yes, my uBPDex seems to soothe himself with TV.  When he travels & stays in hotels, he LOVES the TV (he doesn't have cable at home, part of a pattern of extreme self-denial that I think is trauma deprivation).  When he's home, he religiously watches a movie every night.  All by himself.  I think losing himself in another story is enormously soothing for him. It is way beyond normal reliance on TV.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has noticed that certain movies are actually triggers for him. If he sees anything that upsets him too much like a rape scene or just something truly undeserved it bothers him a lot. For instance he's never been able to sit through Legends of the Fall. But he has no problems sitting through Full Metal Jacket or something like Saving Private Ryan. For the most part my husband will watch the same movies over and over again too however he will watch Comedys to the point where he can quote the movie. I don't mind it, if it helps him keep his mind buisy obviously there are worse things he could be watching.

I feel I should mention that my husband is all doom and gloom and thinks World War III is comming any day now, he always watches the news and gets very worked up about it, especially if something that is World Changing news Like the Pope thing recently.

[Auspicious]

When we learn that our partner has, or might have, BPD . . . it's pretty normal to start thinking that everything we don't like about them is because of the disorder.     

Something to think about.

It is very easy to get too focused on the other person, and not on figuring out what we can change to make our lives better.

[crashintome]

Mine was utterly obsessed with movies.  On her days off, she would watch movies all night until the sun came up.  And she needed to have the TV on in order to sleep.

[waverider]

pwBPD often have some outlet for escapism much the same as anyone else, and they tend to overdo it, thats the difference. It is often placed on a higher level than your needs.

At least it is not alcoholism, drug addiction or serial infidelity.

Usually a dose of acceptance with a few basic boundaries to keep it out of your face would be the go

[Themis]

When we learn that our partner has, or might have, BPD . . . it's pretty normal to start thinking that everything we don't like about them is because of the disorder.      

Something to think about.

It is very easy to get too focused on the other person, and not on figuring out what we can change to make our lives better.

That's so true Auspicious. That thought goes over, and over again in my mind.

It is the way he does this, she does that... .  but what am I doing? What are we doing?

It sounds good in theory, but in reality I'm jumping over hoops and have done everything I could have done in my power to be kind, tolerant for the last four years. (well most for the last two, as that's when he has been the worst, but he had rages in the honeymoon and friendship phases too, but very rarely and with at least apologies)

I'm a flawed person. I'm working on what I think are flaws... .  mostly has an impact on myself, not others.

Online I have a little room to vent and have a spine, but in life I used to constantly say "I'm sorry"

I'm really not sure what else I could possibly do for someone that now shows open hatred and calls me "useless"

I am proud that I don't call him names back. I just tell him with conviction that I am not useless, and that his his opinion.

Then I actually went and spent time with friends that are nice to me; instead of staying home and apologizing for what I was useless at.

Besides that I don't know what else I am meant to do, or if I could possibly do more.

I wish I knew.

[crashintome]

At least it is not alcoholism, drug addiction or serial infidelity.

Mine had all of those, too.

[waverider]

When we learn that our partner has, or might have, BPD . . . it's pretty normal to start thinking that everything we don't like about them is because of the disorder.     

Something to think about.

It is very easy to get too focused on the other person, and not on figuring out what we can change to make our lives better.

Sometimes it is easier to loose ourselves over analyzing and blaming the other, rather than face our own short comings first.

Once you learn to get your own self on a stable course, then use the simple tools to ease things the best you can, it makes it easier to trace root cases back to their causes. Otherwise you get bogged down in theories that may be applicable to others but not your RS.

[waverider]

I'm a flawed person. I'm working on what I think are flaws... .  mostly has an impact on myself, not others.

Online I have a little room to vent and have a spine, but in life I used to constantly say "I'm sorry"

I'm really not sure what else I could possibly do for someone that now shows open hatred and calls me "useless"

I am proud that I don't call him names back. I just tell him with conviction that I am not useless, and that his his opinion.

Then I actually went and spent time with friends that are nice to me; instead of staying home and apologizing for what I was useless at.

Besides that I don't know what else I am meant to do, or if I could possibly do more.

I wish I knew.

That is an excellent transition. Benefits at first may not be obvious, but if you consolidate on that it will be an excellent platform to build. One small step at a time.

[Themis]

Hey Wave,

What is the things you worked on in yourself that made a difference?

I think everyone is flawed, and I'm constantly "self-improving" as I'm analytical, and my personality type is INFP, so a romantic, empathetic person that always aspires to the best they can be for themselves and for others.

In some ways at the peak of myself he said I was "too nice" which felt like a bit of a step back.

At one point I was someone he loved, so I also feel that my standards must have slipped to be in the category I am in now.

[yeeter]

At one point I was someone he loved, so I also feel that my standards must have slipped to be in the category I am in now.

This sounds like allowing someone else to influence how you think about yourself.  Again, externally focused and looking for something from someone that may or may not be able to give it to you.

What do YOU think?  How do YOU feel about yourself?  What does your analysis tell you about yourself, and ways in which you can change and improve yourself? 

[Themis]

"This sounds like allowing someone else to influence how you think about yourself.  Again, externally focused and looking for something from someone that may or may not be able to give it to you."

I know this ad nausea! It's every where. Love yourself, it's the whole premise of self-help and even the spawns of the decades of Oprah Winfrey fans!

Love yourself, it's about you, you don't need another person ETC *cheers and fist pumping* go me!

But it feels so fake to me.

That's my flaw. That's the thing I can't budge. I love people. I do want to be somebody that the person I love still loves.

It makes sense.

I don't neeeed anybody, but I waaaant it, I enjoy it, it's normal to want friends, family, a lover.

Sure we can be hermits and survive---but having a joyful life with others is much better.

"Hell is other people"

I believe Heaven is also other people. Other people, good food, good health, nice natural places with trees, animals and PEOPLE!

It's not something I can force, and I wonder why people are so insistent on pretending we don't care what our loved ones think or feel about us.

If we don't care, where's the romance, the passion, the love--- trying to get that spark back---

I don't get this concept. Why do I even have to get it, is it so bad to want others?

In fact I have wondered if I have been brainwashed by pop-psychology to be trained to feel bad that I do want him, or even dare to want that human connection.

Cos it's all hype about being an independent woman. You can still be independent and want someone.

Right?

Isn't it normal to love?

[waverider]

Hey Wave,

What is the things you worked on in yourself that made a difference?

Off the top of my head, there is more, and a lot I cant put words to, more of an attitude or feeling

I dont have to be right or have the last word

Stopped expecting people to be like me

Stopped assuming I "understood" everyone else, assumptions are just best guesses

Allowed others the right to screw up without judging

Allowed myself to screw up without judging me

Stopped making excuses for my own lack of action

I dont have to be in control of my emotions all the time

I can be anxious, stressed, depressed, angry, frustrated... thats normal it will pass

I can only change me, which affects my environment and those around, so they have space to change themselves if they want to, without pressure from me

I do dumb things at time, thats ok, I like doing dumb things at times.

I make a lot of space and time, both physical and mental, for me so that I dont get too obsessed by what someone else is doing.

I allow myself to be selfish if I want to, without denying it to myself

Trying to make people like you often has the opposite effect

I have found myself to be more likeable if I stop trying to be.

Use the "Tools" on everyone not just those with PDs, so that it becomes normal and part of who you are

Saying No and having boundaries has gained me more respect, after the tantrum dies down!

Making a point of going away for weekends as much as possible, whether I feel like it or not, it always works out well.

I was, and did non of these 12 months ago. Instead I just felt sorry for myself and just wanted others to "understand'. They cant completely, its not their life, and if they did it would still not fix it, only validate my feeling of being hard done by and increase my sense of hopelessness

[benny2]

I'm with you on that one Themis! I also WANT someone in my life, I don't NEED someone. The problem is, I feel there is more need on his behalf than want and this tends to mesh. I have been told so many times, Oh you don't need a man, your better off alone. Its not the way I want to spend my life. I am a people person. I'm not sure I will ever get the kind of relationship with him that I long, but I can say one thing, after spending 23 years of marriage with a man that completely took advantage of me, never told me he loved me or kissed me goodnight, my BPDbf still fills alot of the voids that my ex husband could not.

[Themis]

Hey Wave,

What is the things you worked on in yourself that made a difference?

Off the top of my head, there is more, and a lot I cant put words to, more of an attitude or feeling

I dont have to be right or have the last word

Stopped expecting people to be like me

Stopped assuming I "understood" everyone else, assumptions are just best guesses

Allowed others the right to screw up without judging

Allowed myself to screw up without judging me

Stopped making excuses for my own lack of action

I dont have to be in control of my emotions all the time

I can be anxious, stressed, depressed, angry, frustrated... thats normal it will pass

I can only change me, which affects my environment and those around, so they have space to change themselves if they want to, without pressure from me

I do dumb things at time, thats ok, I like doing dumb things at times.

I make a lot of space and time, both physical and mental, for me so that I dont get too obsessed by what someone else is doing.

I allow myself to be selfish if I want to, without denying it to myself

Trying to make people like you often has the opposite effect

I have found myself to be more likeable if I stop trying to be.

Use the "Tools" on everyone not just those with PDs, so that it becomes normal and part of who you are

Saying No and having boundaries has gained me more respect, after the tantrum dies down!

Making a point of going away for weekends as much as possible, whether I feel like it or not, it always works out well.

I was, and did non of these 12 months ago. Instead I just felt sorry for myself and just wanted others to "understand'. They cant completely, its not their life, and if they did it would still not fix it, only validate my feeling of being hard done by and increase my sense of hopelessness

That was a stellar answer!  

"I can only change me, which affects my environment and those around, so they have space to change themselves if they want to, without pressure from me."

Yes I noticed if I am happy (hard as I have depression as default) I have a better chance at better things happening for me.

I do believe in "energy" that we send out that people pick up on (psychology may say body language, tone, attitude, stance, the wisdom of a happy person)

but I also noticed it has invisible effects science can't explain.

Besides that I don't know what to change as happiness is a long way for me, along the journey I'm trying to find other things to get these improved results.

I have found myself to be more likeable if I stop trying to be.

Oh yes, very true. Sometimes we need to try though. I stopped trying and I'm a little too honest.

People don't always want to hear truth, they just want you to say what sounds best and agreeable.

I refuse to agree for the sake of being more popular. But sometimes I wince and wish I did agree so I didn't stand out like a sore thumb.

My principles always trump the urge to be liked. It's a close call though! Takes a bit of courage some days!

Making a point of going away for weekends as much as possible, whether I feel like it or not, it always works out well.

I found this too, but I feel it's not true to myself if I don't feel like going out and only doing it to create space.

That's a tricky one.

Again stellar answer.

And Benny2---thank you VERY much. That's an example of me not trying to be liked! I noticed even here when I say something i think "oh no, maybe people won't agree, maybe this will rock the boat?"

That's when I get the "oh yeah thanks for your honesty/going there--- I feel like that too!"

Then I'm glad I was honest and just said it.

[yeeter]

I don't neeeed anybody, but I waaaant it, I enjoy it, it's normal to want friends, family, a lover.

Sure we can be hermits and survive---but having a joyful life with others is much better.

I believe Heaven is also other people. Other people, good food, good health, nice natural places with trees, animals and PEOPLE!

It's not something I can force, and I wonder why people are so insistent on pretending we don't care what our loved ones think or feel about us.

I don't get this concept. Why do I even have to get it, is it so bad to want others?

Multiple studies have shown that a critical piece of life happiness is interaction with other people.  HEALTHY relationships, social interaction, etc.  OF COURSE you want this, and its healthy to want this, and basic human nature.

Where its NOT healthy is when it reaches a state of codependency.  That you get so wrapped up in a particular individual that you are NOT getting healthy interaction.  Then it becomes DESTRUCTIVE to your own happiness.

As with many things, finding the balance of this is the key.  And sorting through the gray areas to find exactly where these lines are for yourself to a point where you can be happy.  If it really was all extreme (all black or all white), then it would be easy.  But its not.

I get it.  You really want your partner to be a certain way.  But he is not.  Which in an of itself isnt an issue - but the fact that he is not the way you would like him to be is causing you grief, stress, dissatisfaction - yet there is nothing you can do to make him change (and he has clearly stated he will not change - that you have to deal with it).  Is he being unreasonable?  It doesnt matter.  It can be 'all his fault' - and you will still be left with an unsatisfying, stressful relationship.

So no... .  the 'need' to be with another person - to me - does not come at all costs (this is what keeps people in abusive relationships).  Because the reality is that there are CHOICES - its not an all or nothing proposition.  The sense of choice allows you the freedom to improve your own situation, and increases your chance at happiness.

[Themis]

That's spot on Yeeter.

I don't think it's all his fault. That's unfair.

My fault:

Having depression

Being a homebody

Always just having enough money, and never really enough to help him out

Seeing him as my best friend, family (almost married) and lover. Trusting it wouldn't all be taken away.

Being too honest and letting him know all about me

Saying sorry too much

Talking too much/ being annoying

Asking him too many questions and not being able to control my curiosity and be at peace that he doesn't tell me a lot of things anymore

Contacting him too much at times, trying to hard like a desperate person  to be likeable looking needy/dumb instead

That is my fault and I do not deny it

His fault:

Having anger issues and rage out of proportion to situation

Silent treatments

Poor communication, making problems worse by blocking communication

Rarely apologizing or taking 50% in situations, often blaming me 100%

Letting external stress events intrude on our relationship---e.g. work issues yell at me about

Lying or lies by omission---being too closed

Treating me based on his moods rather than what I have actually done---spoiling me just because he is happy, or punishing me based on his rage---not my actions

Jealous of my friends whilst encouraging me to get out more, mixed signals

Not even trying when things get slightly hard, throw in towel too easily on everyone, telling me too many things in one day "I love you/ I hate you"--mixed signals.


It's both our fault. His half is just more in-your-face than mine.

"Its not an all or nothing proposition" exactly.

[waverider]

My fault:

Having depression

Being a homebody

Always just having enough money, and never really enough to help him out

Seeing him as my best friend, family (almost married) and lover. Trusting it wouldn't all be taken away.

Being too honest and letting him know all about me

Saying sorry too much

Talking too much/ being annoying

Asking him too many questions and not being able to control my curiosity and be at peace that he doesn't tell me a lot of things anymore

Contacting him too much at times, trying to hard like a desperate person  to be likeable looking needy/dumb instead

You can address many of these as they are not really faults but more based on insecurity and doubting self worth, and possible perceptions based on what he tells you is a flaw. Using the tools to rebuild your own sense of self will either reduce these or see them as not real issues.

His fault:

Having anger issues and rage out of proportion to situation

Silent treatments

Poor communication, making problems worse by blocking communication

Rarely apologizing or taking 50% in situations, often blaming me 100%

Letting external stress events intrude on our relationship---e.g. work issues yell at me about

Lying or lies by omission---being too closed

Treating me based on his moods rather than what I have actually done---spoiling me just because he is happy, or punishing me based on his rage---not my actions

Jealous of my friends whilst encouraging me to get out more, mixed signals

Not even trying when things get slightly hard, throw in towel too easily on everyone, telling me too many things in one day "I love you/ I hate you"--mixed signals.

These are the consequencies of the disorder, and to these you apply a big dose of Acceptance on the less serious issues so that you can draw a line through those and forget about those ones. Then put some boundaries up around you to protect you from the more serious ones.


If you take these steps it will become clearer to you both were you both stand. You will not be living by default waiting to see what is going to happen. He will not be as uncertain as to whether he is, or is not, capable of bonding with you rather than taking the BPD default mode of distancing when faced with uncertainty

I know this is a simplistic approach, but it is an approach rather than just treading water and watching things unravel

[Themis]

That sounds fanstastic Wave,

I know the homebody one is both a flaw and a perception. Sometimes I was a homebody because I didn't have anything planned, or have vague ideas but not enough motivation.

Other times I honestly 100% was ok just to read or do something indoors, I usually do unless I see friends or have the cash to do something a bit better. Sometimes there were things I wanted to do, but didn't as I was alone, and don't like doing certain things alone as I don't have a car so don't want to get stuck too far from home.

He viewed it as a flaw because he would see friends, but also stay at home a lot so wanted the house to himself, and then complain I didn't do anything.

It did make me feel bad as I don't have a lot of local friends, so sometimes I'd wonder why I didn't despite good reasons and doubt myself as likeable person.

I still think it's somewhat a flaw as maybe if I earned more and had more friends/energy I'd be inspired to go out more, and Ithink I'd enjoy that-not for him but for me. But it takes time.

I was needy in the past, this has died down a lot, for the above reasons of finding a good friend in him and not having a wide enough circle outside of a few other close friends.

I did have a tendency to feel loneliness. Also I used to tell him too much of what I think or feel (very open)

I later learned with BPD they take it differently. He felt I was asking him to fix it, or saying it was his fault. All I was doing is expressing/being honest.

I also mistook the initial clinger phase as "forever" so I assumed for a long time after it's expiry date that he still enjoyed being the centre of my attention.

In some ways the split has been good as it got me used to not having his affection.

It hurts sometimes, as I don't have anyone to hold (I like hugs!) but I can see I can get some affection from others if I had more friends as I got a little of that from the ones I already have.

In time I might have a circle of close friends where I can be close enough to hug them and feel that same "love". I know that is something I need--at least one person to hug.

He also seemes to have calmed down for the last few days... .  actually speaking a few gruff but civil paragraphs with me.

I take it with a grain of salt, don't get too excited, still continue as though he didn't. But it was a relief from the nasty.

What tools could help me there (friends homebody, need for hugs--is that normal?)

That is something I have struggled with. There have been times where I think if I were single, I'd like to experience dating (I never have) and just seeing a few different people as friends and get used to being alone.

But I always miss having someone to hold, so I think I'd end up wanting romance too soon.

I don't know how to get rid of that need, as my heart begs me for it.  


His issues-

These are the consequencies of the disorder, and to these you apply a big dose of Acceptance on the less serious issues so that you can draw a line through those and forget about those ones. Then put some boundaries up around you to protect you from the more serious ones.

Boundaries partly sparted this silent treatment and seem to push him away from me. It was like my not accepting of arguments or insults was taken as an entire communication rejection.

It took it very poorly! I am not sure how to do this in a more clever way?


If you take these steps it will become clearer to you both were you both stand. You will not be living by default waiting to see what is going to happen. He will not be as uncertain as to whether he is, or is not, capable of bonding with you rather than taking the BPD default mode of distancing when faced with uncertainty

Uncertainty. How do we unwittingly create uncertainty? I think this is contradictory as he views me as a homebody, and seen my loyalty that as long as he was kind and loving I was very patient with him!

When we were 100% together I didn't mind the rages! I knew he loved me, and that when he calmed down life went on.

I enjoyed his company.

It was him that cut things off, pushed me away and made clear signs of not wanting me. I can only stand that for so long before I have to take the giant hint and go away.

How he can take that is rejection doesn't make sense as I wait months then go ok, and agree with his leaving plans.

What else am I meant to do? I don't want to force someone to love me if they don't. I felt I was being normal.

I know this is a simplistic approach, but it is an approach rather than just treading water and watching things unravel

I agree, I just don't know what other actions I should have taken and what to take now.

I'm stuck in the follow his lead. See when he calmed down he controlled when we can talk again. I just have to endure when he didn't.

I really appreciate your replies, they are giving me some peace as you sound like there is some solution!

With someone without BPD I would just take things on face value.

[waverider]

BPD default mode of distancing when faced with uncertainty

With BPD the uncertainty, like any other feeling on the part of a pwBPD, need only be their perception, not a reality, or even based on logic.

Hence you cannot make your life decisions as reactions to their actions which in turn are triggered by perceptions. That's as about an unstable platform as you can find.

You need to find your own independent stability which is not dependent on a pwBPD for validation.

[real lady]

This may seem rather trivial but it has made me wonder. My pwBPD throws himself into the television. I'm thinking it might be a way of putting his mind to rest and concentrate on something else, but the thing that bothers me is its always the most blood and guts movies he can find and he watches them over and over. He never watches anything comical or family orientated besides the news. I know its probably a guy thing, but why always violent movies? Kind of creeps me out.

When my ubdso and I had reunited, he was spending MOST OF his time on violent and gory movies (zombie) and TV until he "switched" his addiction of choice to his gaming. He has been playing 12 -15 hrs/day for the past 4 - 5 months now. He doesn't watch movies and barely watches TV and won't even get off his computer until he sees whether one of his three shows is a rerun.

I think that it is ADDICTIVE and he controls it. I say NOTHING about it and am thankful that I don't "have to" watch the movies with him, I did for several months and then just said that I "wasn't in the mood" for that kind of movie, not "my" kind and then I would go to the library and borrow "good" movies and start playing them on the big screen. Just started doing what I wanted... .  slowly... .  and now I am released from watching his gory stuff and he plays his game all the time. Perfect solution.

Other than that, I don't see that he will EVER choose to do differently. He is mentally and emotionally ILL... .  he is unable/unwilling to accept responsibility for his own behavior so to RADICALLY ACCEPT his behavior while detaching yourself from the gory movies will be doing something for YOU. We need to do that when we love someone who is mentally and emotionally ILL... .  

[yeeter]

I have no idea what may or may not be going on in his mind.

But for me, TV is a way to turn the mind off.  I might have 1000 thoughts flying through my mind - but if I put on the TV its enough of a focus that the rest of the thoughts get buried.

Which usually results in me falling asleep (because in part the mind racing keeps me awake).

So when I do watch TV (and its not kids shows), I want something completely senseless and stupid - that is the entire point of it (for me).  I dont want intellectual stimulation or anything that requires any type of thought or mental processing.

[Auspicious]

Hence you cannot make your life decisions as reactions to their actions which in turn are triggered by perceptions. That's as about an unstable platform as you can find.

       

You have to become captain of your own ship, and choose your own path ... .  more so than if you were with a healthy partner.

That's a simple consequence of the instability of your partner.