Need to vent before I implode

[whitesands13]

I was having a "normal" conversation with my nBPDm and we had different perceptions and opinions on a situation we were talking about, which sent her into a defensive spin where I was being accused of being a horrible daughter, that I don't appreciate her, I only see my side in situations, she's bent over backwards for me.  She would say one thing and contradict herself in the next sentence, and I asked her for clarification which I didn't get and only made her more angry.  She can present things as though they're simple and I'm reading into it, when there is more than what she's acknowledging, and then somehow I'm wrong.  By the time she stormed off I was completely confused about what had happened.  She came back a minute or so later still in a tailspin and I interrupted her (was that a mistake?) and asked her what it is she needed from me and the argument, she said she needed peace and wanted her house back, that ever since I moved in her life has been unhappy, and that she thinks I'm trying to drive her crazy.  I told her that I wouldn't be talked to like that and that I wouldn't expect anyone else, including her, to put up with that kind of behavior either.  She denied the behavior while yelling at me, and (she does this alot) said I do it all the time to her.

I have done all I know how to do while staying here to help out and make her life easier.  I cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, work part time and pay her monthly for rent and I'm going through chemo.  (I've been doing as much as possible thinking when she argues like this I won't feel guilty.  Yeah right.) Regardless, I'm still the horrible child, no matter what I do.  And any mistake I make is fuel for her belief.  She had the last word.  I'm now getting the silent treatment.  I'm trying to be calm, (I did pretty well during the onslaught, never raised my voice) but I feel awful.

[Clearmind]

whitesands13, welcome to bpdfamily.com.

Firstly, growing up in a household with a BPD parent can leave a number of legacies – one being lack of self worth, self esteem, not feeling protected, understood or validated. It appears you still feel invalidated by your mom.

Interactions with our parents as adults can certainly become heated discussions pretty quickly – they escalate without us even realizing – mainly due to our parents having poor communication skills and even poorer coping skills and also because we are a product of that environment.

In time and the more you read posts here - we begin to see that we are part of the solution. This does not mean your mom's behavior is your fault at all - however - we can see how we may contribute and make it harder for ourselves.

I have done all I know how to do while staying here to help out and make her life easier.  I cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, work part time and pay her monthly for rent and I'm going through chemo.  (I've been doing as much as possible thinking when she argues like this I won't feel guilty.  Yeah right.) Regardless, I'm still the horrible child, no matter what I do.  And any mistake I make is fuel for her belief.  She had the last word.  I'm now getting the silent treatment.  I'm trying to be calm, (I did pretty well during the onslaught, never raised my voice) but I feel awful.

One of the other legacies of being the child of a Borderline is that if we do x, y and z (cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands) we will in turn be respected. What it in fact does is breed resentment in us. We are more than just useful, we need to learn to value ourselves despite these attacks.

We don't need to "do" to be valued. Is there a reason why you contribute so much? Is your mom not able to take care of herself for some reason?

hit

whitesands13, we need to learn new ways to relate to our BPD parents – it does not mean we “give in” – it means we learn to get our own needs met – by how we interact.

How do we take back our own personal power? Give up the need to be right, begin to learn ways to cope with the stress, not feel the need to counter-attack, know when to step back and remove yourself from the conversation, know when to have a discussion, how to set boundaries.

And more importantly, not seek validation from our parents – who are not able to provide it.

Can you explain a little more about how this interaction went? How did you feel? Does it feel reminiscent of your childhood?

Lastly, how are you looking after yourself - I am sorry to hear you are not well.

[whitesands13]

Hi Clearmind,

I think I contribute as much as I do because of FOG, an enabling father and because I don't know any other way.  When I'm not up to doing much she gets resentful quickly and her behavior escalates.  I guess I think in some way by "doing" I can control her behavior, or at least my reaction to it.  (Wow, that's codependent, isn't it?)

She brought up a situation from a few weeks ago and I didn't see what was happening to (like you said) step out of the conversation.  She couldn't change my perception of her actions (and how she had hurt me) and she got angry.  It was reminiscent of my childhood in that she wanted to rewrite history and bully me into submission.  This tactic works well in situations with my father.  He disagrees with her actions, she bullies him into a comfortable spot for her, he has another glass of wine, and she's satisfied for a while.  Watching that has literally made me sick to my stomach at times.

The points you made on taking back your personal power (I don't know how to take the quote from your post), learning ways to cope with the stress, know when to step back, remove yourself, etc., can you point me in the direction to find information to help with that?

As far as taking care of myself, I've been asked that question before, and when I read it, I had to think about it.  I'm not sure I know what that means.  I've started to meditate, I get enough rest, I see a therapist every few weeks (I've been in therapy for several years and away from my mother for many years.  It's really something live with her and realize how much I still need to heal).  And I'm going to be fine, the cancer was caught early and it was localized, just have to go through treatment as a precaution for the future.   

Thanks for your help!   

[Clearmind]

I've started to meditate, I get enough rest, I see a therapist every few weeks (I've been in therapy for several years and away from my mother for many years.  It's really something live with her and realize how much I still need to heal).  And I'm going to be fine, the cancer was caught early and it was localized, just have to go through treatment as a precaution for the future.   

The “FOG” – absolutely – it has a lot to do with it whitesands. And yes I also modelled my relationship style from my enMother (enabling mother) – interesting how we begin to join the dots.

I guess I think in some way by "doing" I can control her behavior, or at least my reaction to it.  (Wow, that's codependent, isn't it?)

This is likely what your father did to keep the peace? We modelled. When it backfires, which inevitably it does, we feel invalidated – the cycle continues until we strive to be that little more perfect. By “doing” we set the relationship up for enmeshment and an unhealthy way of relating.

I found that the reason I was in the FOG because as a child I was “required” to be a certain way – mostly silent and obedient – I was told constantly don’t do this and don’t do that by my enMother - for the fear of being abused by my BPD father. This carried over into adulthood – now if I need to set a boundary and protect myself I feel a sense of overwhelming fear/hot sensation in my body, gut and face – I need to remind myself that I cannot be abandoned as an adult – that I am more than capable of now looking after myself.

This is all well and good in theory – however – to move out the FOG we first need to be aware of how it feels – when we know how it feels we can act on it by setting a boundary. This is the time to set a boundary because otherwise we store resentment and blow.

What helped me is to know my triggers, know when you feel it – pause - and use a technique called Mindfulness and Wise Mind to manage triggers AND if the need arises set a boundary to protect yourself

Its important to accept that our parents will not change however we can learn new ways to cope and

ways to step out of the drama by understanding our role

hit

Free 12 week video series: The Self-Acceptance Project - Finding Our Sense of Fundamental Worthiness – this is week 2 and I am finding it really helpful.

I've started to meditate, I get enough rest, I see a therapist every few weeks (I've been in therapy for several years and away from my mother for many years.  It's really something live with her and realize how much I still need to heal).  And I'm going to be fine, the cancer was caught early and it was localized, just have to go through treatment as a precaution for the future.   

I am so pleased you are well.

Meditation is great and therapy is wonderful. means working through the FOG - looking after your needs before anyone else's.

I have posted a bunch of links within my post – and at the top of the board is a link to the lessons – when you have time pour through them to see which ones jump out. Bunch of resources here.

Take care and be kind to you.

[whitesands13]

Thank you Clearmind, I'm pouring over all the links, and I've joined you on the Self Acceptance Project.  Really good information.

I'm really grateful for your input and perspective, it's helping alot.