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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: 1.0 | A common personality trait in us?  (Read 5710 times)
healingmyheart
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« Reply #30 on: March 12, 2013, 06:31:23 AM »

I am a caregiver... .  work in medical field as a nurse.  I've been told that I am overly tolerant and forgiving.  I was married for 26 years to a man 16 years my senior... .  was I searching for a father figure seeing as how my dad was traveling and gone throughout most my young. 

I'm very analytical... .  any time we'd have a fight or I saw red flags, I'd analyze it for days on end trying to understand things which ultimately never could be reasoned with.  I am very giving and tend to put my needs aside for others which I definitely did in my relationship with my ex BPD boyfriend.  I guess it also comes down to the fact that I don't have the confidence and self-esteem to stand up for myself when I should. 

I know i was used and taken advantage of... .  whether it was done maliciously or not it still hurts like hell.  I gave my heart and soul to this man only to be treated horribly and have whatever confidence I had taken away. Obviously, it's time to take a good long hard look inward and fix me.  I know in the end I will be grateful for this experience for the personal growth... .  not feeling too grateful right now while I'm struggling just to maintain NC but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel. 
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« Reply #31 on: March 12, 2013, 08:20:27 AM »

Wanting to help people is a noble motivator... taking the rescuer role in a Karpman drama triangle... is where we end up when we try to rescue someone with a PD... things get dysfunctional.

My take on this "nobility" element is the opposite! I agree with the fact we are all rescuers and that at face value that's a lovely thing. But the darker reality... .  that bit that would fight and scream and treat our exes horribly - and at times beyond what was appropriate... .  is also codependency, but the shadowy side of it. Someone earlier said it was arrogant to try to rescue and I have come to agree. I now believe that we choose people who are not our equal for the single purpose of controlling them. It is not as altruistic as we might wish it to be. For there is an expectation... the giving is conditional. I will do this for you if you do that.

I will give you my fortune and fab life if you don't leave me.

So I can see my own illness fairly clearly now too - and I'm not convinced it is too different in severity and cause from our borderline exes. My own obsession with my ex and inability to move on for so long was directly attributable to the fact pwBPD can break these unspoken rules. Their attachment disorder allows them to leave and let go, when we can't. It also confirms the other unspoken truth... .  That we don't think we are loveable. It only hurts because it resonates as truth ( but of course, it isn't)

Bb12

I agree actually... I don't think rescuing is noble... I think we tell ourselves it is to rationalize it, and believe that we know what is best for someone else, and that we put ourselves above that other person... .  we think its no big deal to me, I am so powerful I can fix the problem. And it kicks off the bad relating. I probably should have said as much, but had a hard time casting stones when I am cut from the same cloth.

Been told I spoil my daughter... throw money at the problem, anytime there is one, same with exwife. With my exBPDgf I visited her home one time and didn't like her furniture, she had thrift store old stuffed chairs and no couch or loveseat where you could snuggle or make out... so I commented on it, and my exBPDgf said her budget was tight, she was a teacher and had a kid, so she would make due. I bought her a nice living room set... she was thrilled, her son loved it. Saw her vaccuming with old beat up, inneffective vac... .  got her a new bagless... and then was even irritated when she bought a bunch of bags for old one... .  just in case. She didn't have a printer, her laptop was old... .  etc, etc... anyway over time her place was fixed up by my rescuer checkbook. Used to do the same thing with my exwife, I traveled all the time, and made good money as a consultant... and felt a bit guilty about being gone and missing out on so much, so would spend, spend and try to make things better.

One day came home and wife was on phone talking to one of her friends and saying "$600 oh thats nothing, I will take care of it"... and I was irritated... how was it nothing, wife didn't work? She had quit her job without discussing it with me 2 weeks after our daughter was born... if she went back to work she would make maybe 20 an hr... so she would have to work 30 hrs to gross 600, so more like 40 hrs... with tax... .  so she was saying some thing that takes a week of your life's work was nothing?... That was my reaction and it pissed me off for a long time. I realize now that I acted like it was nothing... and she valued it as nothing... and it was my life's work that was being pissed away.

When I broke up with my exBPDgf and went through the divorce with my wife... they both said the same things... .  you can give and give with your checkbook but you hold back of yourself and keep people at a distance and think somehow helping someone out makes you better than them... .  and over time we learn that those handouts come at a price to the relationship.

So... I don't know when it all turns bad... but adults need to be independent, even kids want to be, and we should be as well. I grew up with a lot of unhealthy parental example... .  folks separated when I was 12, divorced when I was 14 and ignored me for a long time before and after that... and now at 50, I am divorced, and I ended r/s with pwBPD... and there is a big blank as to what do I want to do now... a blank that comes from having suppressed my own feelings/desires/needs for so long that I really don't feel motivated to do anything... .  because there isn't anything I want, except for close relationships... and I have become expert at keeping people distant, and controlling them, by rescuing, and distancing myself... to keep from getting hurt. Now I don't need someone to give me issues, I can do it all by myself.
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MakeItHappen
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« Reply #32 on: March 12, 2013, 08:34:56 AM »

Why doesnt this extend to my platonic friendships? Generally, all of my friends that i associate with are all on "good shape" and have their lives in order.  You would think I would want to surround myself with similar types in platonic relationships as well.

Couldn't agree more! Thanks for posting that.
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« Reply #33 on: March 12, 2013, 09:48:17 AM »

 

I have a theory that we were triggered by our ex because they reminded us of someone from our past, whether a parent or caregiver, who instilled in us the belief that we weren't good enough.  Once this trigger is pulled (by our ex) we spend the rest of the relationship trying to prove to them that we are good enough. 

Unfortunately, we choose this person for a reason, and the same characteristics we recognize in them from our past, are the same characteristics that prevent us from changing the script to a happy ending. We were told we weren't good enough at a young and impressionable age and we believed it. I think this belief follows us into every relationship we have.

We have our own self fulfilling prophecy to deal with and we have our own script we follow. Our ex's may have a personality disorder but we are far from being mentally healthy ourselves. We are haunted by a false belief that compels us to prove we are worthy; we long to be accepted and we overcompensate by being too agreeable and this leads to co-dependency and neuroticism. 

The good news is... .  we can change our beliefs.  We can choose to reframe how we think and we can overcome self esteem issues.  We can challenge what we were taught about ourselves and we can believe we are good enough. 

We were always good enough.

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« Reply #34 on: March 12, 2013, 09:50:50 AM »

I have a theory that we were triggered by our ex because they reminded us of someone from our past, whether a parent or caregiver, who instilled in us the belief that we weren't good enough.  Once this trigger is pulled (by our ex) we spend the rest of the relationship trying to prove to them that we are good enough. 

Unfortunately, we choose this person for a reason, and the same characteristics we recognize in them from our past, are the same characteristics that prevent us from changing the script to a happy ending. We were told we weren't good enough at a young and impressionable age and we believed it. I think this belief follows us into every relationship we have.

We have our own self fulfilling prophecy to deal with and we have our own script we follow. Our ex's may have a personality disorder but we are far from being mentally healthy ourselves. We are haunted by a false belief that compels us to prove we are worthy; we long to be accepted and we overcompensate by being too agreeable and this leads to co-dependency and neuroticism. 

The good news is... .  we can change our beliefs.  We can choose to reframe how we think and we can overcome self esteem issues.  We can challenge what we were taught about ourselves and we can believe we are good enough. 

We were always good enough.

tailspin

Well Put, agree completely.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #35 on: March 12, 2013, 10:48:51 AM »

I am a rescuer. Although I didn't know this until my relationship with my udBPD wife. It was a matter of co-dependence for sure. I never new this about myself, but I certainly do now.

Even now, after completely splitting up with my wife and as she moved away not knowing where to? And after having a series of blowouts with really bad name calling, I feel like I need to rescue her.

Example:

I get a letter yesterday about taxes that are due on a vehicle we co-own. I send her an email about it and ask her to address it. Nothing more, noting less. I was straight to the point making sure she was aware of the bill and pays the bill.

Late last night I get 3 text's from here and it totally rattles me. I could not read them. I truly do not care what she has to complain about.

After deleting them, I started to wonder and worry, is she okay? Did she write something important I needed to know? Was she reaching out? And that is exactly why I needed to delete them. She's not my responsibility anymore. She made her decision to up ad move and to not even tell me where she has moved, yet I am worried about her? Talk about being a rescuer?

At the end of the day, if I would have read the texts and responded to whatever she had to say, that action would have kept me involved in an unhealthy way. I know this. That's why I deleted them. But that doesn't mean today I am not struggling with my actions. I wish I would have never emailed her about the taxes. It only opened a window where in the end, I am struggling with MY decisions and actions and if I did nothing, I would not be in this emotional place at the moment.

Live and learn.
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doubleAries
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« Reply #36 on: March 12, 2013, 03:40:21 PM »

This is a good thread.

I had a "practise" this morning, that drove it home for me (AGAIN). Talked to stbx this morning, trying very hard  not to replay old tapes or "help". (by the way, here's an excellent article about emotional memory and our reaction to it--I had this in mind when I talked to stbx https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;topicseen  ) Guess what? When I bit my tongue to keep from offering "help"--or criticisms for his refusal to accept my "help", I didn't know what to say. It was dead silent on my part. That tells me something.

I agree with bb12--codependency is about control. Not the loud, brash control of the people we would call "control freaks"--a more sneaky form. We wouldn't want to be called dominating, so we mask our control issues as "help". We are attracted to victims because WE want to be victims. We want control because we had none growing up--I know I sure didn't!

Once, someone told me something that has come to have even deeper meaning over time for me. He said "most people that need help--well, there's a reason they need help". There, I "fixed" this broken person. See? That proves I have value! But in reality (to answer trampledfoot's question about has any rescuer ever succeeded and had a perfect life) here's what actually happens: self respect/self dignity/self esteem comes from our ability to be independent. When you make someone dependent (by "fixing/helping" and doing for them what they won't do for themselves, or don't WANT done for themselves), they become resentful of the dependency. The more resentful they become, the more we try to "fix" it. In the form of controlling them by nagging them about how grateful they should be to us. You know the line, we've all said it in one form or another--"after all I've done for you... .  ". We want these people to bolster our sense of value because we don't know how. So in many ways, we aren't that much different from them. Maybe our methods are different, but our secret motive is the same.

When you hear yourself saying "we've talked about this before... .  " you are not open. You are getting ready to play an old record of resentment. Maybe you don't scream in out of proportion emotion like the BPD, but you are projecting your resentment. Remember what I just said about resentment? How it comes from dependency? So what is it that we are dependent on them for? Yeah--our self value. Here's what I think (not feel) I need to have value, and you--you ingrate!--won't give it to me! How am I supposed to help/fix you when you won't do/think/feel/behave the way I want you to?

THAT'S why we leave or get evicted from relationships and then find another just like it. And then explore our "victimhood" rather than our "control freak" behavior.
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« Reply #37 on: March 12, 2013, 03:44:34 PM »

Sometimes we want to fix someone else so they will owe us, and fix us... .  
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« Reply #38 on: March 12, 2013, 07:29:27 PM »

This is a good thread.

I had a "practise" this morning, that drove it home for me (AGAIN). Talked to stbx this morning, trying very hard  not to replay old tapes or "help". (by the way, here's an excellent article about emotional memory and our reaction to it--I had this in mind when I talked to stbx https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;topicseen  ) Guess what? When I bit my tongue to keep from offering "help"--or criticisms for his refusal to accept my "help", I didn't know what to say. It was dead silent on my part. That tells me something.

I agree with bb12--codependency is about control. Not the loud, brash control of the people we would call "control freaks"--a more sneaky form. We wouldn't want to be called dominating, so we mask our control issues as "help". We are attracted to victims because WE want to be victims. We want control because we had none growing up--I know I sure didn't!

Once, someone told me something that has come to have even deeper meaning over time for me. He said "most people that need help--well, there's a reason they need help". There, I "fixed" this broken person. See? That proves I have value! But in reality (to answer trampledfoot's question about has any rescuer ever succeeded and had a perfect life) here's what actually happens: self respect/self dignity/self esteem comes from our ability to be independent. When you make someone dependent (by "fixing/helping" and doing for them what they won't do for themselves, or don't WANT done for themselves), they become resentful of the dependency. The more resentful they become, the more we try to "fix" it. In the form of controlling them by nagging them about how grateful they should be to us. You know the line, we've all said it in one form or another--"after all I've done for you... .  ". We want these people to bolster our sense of value because we don't know how. So in many ways, we aren't that much different from them. Maybe our methods are different, but our secret motive is the same.

When you hear yourself saying "we've talked about this before... .  " you are not open. You are getting ready to play an old record of resentment. Maybe you don't scream in out of proportion emotion like the BPD, but you are projecting your resentment. Remember what I just said about resentment? How it comes from dependency? So what is it that we are dependent on them for? Yeah--our self value. Here's what I think (not feel) I need to have value, and you--you ingrate!--won't give it to me! How am I supposed to help/fix you when you won't do/think/feel/behave the way I want you to?

THAT'S why we leave or get evicted from relationships and then find another just like it. And then explore our "victimhood" rather than our "control freak" behavior.

Very good points... I would add that not only do they resent our helping, but we do as well. The interesting thing with the codependency dynamic for me was that I kept doing it, kept being kind of pissy about minor things, while doing large rescue items... .  and lost the ability to really be mad when it was genuinely called for. I think somehow we change our focus from ourselves, to pleasing others... .  which makes them less independent, and us less independent, leaving everyone less happy.
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crashintome
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« Reply #39 on: March 12, 2013, 07:48:00 PM »

I don't know what "type" I am.

Before the relationship with my person with BPD, I never had a serious relationship.  I also never admitted to myself that I was gay.  She was my first real try at a relationship.  Before her, I had little to no interest in getting serious.  I never wanted to settle down till I met her.

I'm a 30-something teacher.  I like to take care of people.  I like to nurture but not in a motherly way (my biological clock is nonexistent). 
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sunrising
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« Reply #40 on: March 12, 2013, 09:03:26 PM »

Excerpt
I remember seeing my T for the first time and hitting on this exact point

I said "The more I give, the less he does"

My T corrected me and said "No, the less he gives, the more you do!"

And there you have it... .  stuck in DOING to feel loved instead of feeling loved for BEING

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

bb12

I want your therapist based on this observation alone.
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« Reply #41 on: March 12, 2013, 11:42:23 PM »

I'm at odds over this.

With my late wife, I was an incredible provider for our family.  I gave her everything she wanted.  She did not have any BPD traits.  I gave.  She gave.  It wasn't 50/50 -- it never truly is.  But each gave in a mutually beneficial way and both parties were happy.  We enjoyed 14 years together before cancer took her away.  We were interdependent.

I treated my uBPDexgf the same exact way.  But she did not give back like my wife past the honeymoon phase.  She began to take more and give less.  When I sat her down to discuss my needs, it would turn into a cry-fest, which shamed me into no longer asking for anything.  I knew I was getting the short end of the stick but I stayed and didn't complain (I now know why).  I never uttered "I did this for you, you should... .  "  I never said those things to my late wife either.

But, with the last recycle, I helped my uBPDexgf with something big (at her request) that would be of great benefit to her kids but would make it harder for her if she pushed me away.  If she didn't push me away, great for all of us.  If she did, it meant more consequences to her (stress, finances and so forth).  I didn't do it on purpose but I was fully aware of the potential future impact.

In either case, I am the constant.

In the first example, there were no negative side effects from providing.  In the second, because the other person "used" me, there were negative impacts because she got what she wanted, discarded me and failed to realize potential consequences of doing so.  Not my decision, not my fault, no longer my problem.

I helped both out.  I sought to control neither.  One relationship was good.  The other not-so-good.  Same guy in both.

Go figure.





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Clearmind
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« Reply #42 on: March 12, 2013, 11:46:32 PM »

Good thread. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

How do we fix the need to fix?
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willy45
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« Reply #43 on: March 12, 2013, 11:58:02 PM »

Yup.

Caretaker. Easily destroyed boundaries. Tendency to blame myself. Always trying to fix people's problems. The usual.

The pattern in 'us' seems pretty clear... .  
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doubleAries
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« Reply #44 on: March 13, 2013, 12:11:56 AM »

Good thread. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

How do we fix the need to fix?

Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) HAHAHA!
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« Reply #45 on: March 13, 2013, 12:13:19 AM »

I've seen "fixer/rescuer" and "logical" mentioned in lots of places in regards to non partners (I'm definitely both), and these two are probably the ultimate recipe for BPD doom.  We try to apply logic to illogical situations, rationalizing that there must be a valid reason that our pwBPD are behaving this way, and then we try to fix the situation without knowing that there's no solution.

Solid Gold WT !

A year of my life recovering (and I have!) and trying to work out what just happened

And there you go, putting it so succinctly and perfectly

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

bb12
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« Reply #46 on: March 13, 2013, 12:28:43 AM »

Great thread:

This is what I believe people view me as: Attractive, likeable, easy going, thoughtful, genuine, intelligent. They also see that I keep my distance and choose to not engage. This is my way of protecting myself from being hurt. I am quite patient, understanding and emotional which add up to a potential intensity if I give and not get something back, I would feel disappointed. I give understanding to others and hope to get it back for example. It hurts me to see some people being mean to each other. I'm very empathetic which is why I keep my distance.

I don't compromise myself for others. I draw boundaries early on and know where I stand. So how did I end up with a pwBPD? I really liked how she made me feel like we connected as friends. She accepted me for who I was and I felt comfortable in my skin. We were friends and I liked that and wanted to keep it going. The romance began and I joked about how perfect and cute it is that we were friends who are romantically involved. And it was. Once that was established, which I was content with, the clinginess began: "Im not comfortable with you seeing girls" "What kind of relationship are we in?" She just needed safety and wanted to attach which I wasn't thrilled about but thought to myself how people have issues and if I like this girl then I'd give her some peace of mind. You know how the story goes from here...

I am not as financially secure as others are on here. I am ADHD and can be obsessive about subjects. I think very differently than others "Outside the box thinking" and very non-linear. This is why I'm in the arts field as I art direct, and now I'm making my first full length feature film.

So that's me. Oh, and I've come up with a reason why I put up with my exBPD and it's because she wasn't so... she was loving but... something about her was unavailable. I always needed to work for it which I REALLY liked. A person like me with ADHD loves challenges and unless its something big it can't hold our focus. I need to be stimulated and challenged and I sure have met my match with this. I realize a part of it I absolutely love but the other part is just not fun. The part where there is no growth and discovery together. It feels like she is just at a stand still and not capable of growing. That sucked and I definitely want someone to grow with.
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« Reply #47 on: March 13, 2013, 12:31:18 AM »

I've seen "fixer/rescuer" and "logical" mentioned in lots of places in regards to non partners (I'm definitely both), and these two are probably the ultimate recipe for BPD doom.  We try to apply logic to illogical situations, rationalizing that there must be a valid reason that our pwBPD are behaving this way, and then we try to fix the situation without knowing that there's no solution.

Solid Gold WT !

A year of my life recovering (and I have!) and trying to work out what just happened

And there you go, putting it so succinctly and perfectly

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

bb12

Thanks!  Putting those two things together like that isn't something that I had previously thought about, but when I started replying to this thread, I realized that that's exactly what it was for me, the lethal combination of logic and fixing, because any logical problem can be fixed, right?  Little did I know that the problem was neither logical nor fixable.
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« Reply #48 on: March 13, 2013, 12:41:56 AM »

Boy, I have to admit I have spent a lot of time doing this too--reasoning with out of proportion emotions just doesn't work very well. Yet I continued to do it over and over and over.

We need an emoticon of a "smiley" ripping it's hair out.
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« Reply #49 on: March 13, 2013, 01:03:16 AM »

I believe that for the most part in each of our past relationships with BPD's that the majority of them had at least one thing that we didn't, be that wealth, beauty, power, prestige, extroidinarily high knowledge of a subject of some sort and they used this to their advantage, ha or some of them just flat out lied about having it in the first place.   Once they gave an assessment of what may be lacking in our current lives they used what they have, or pretended to have, to lead us to believe how much better we would be with these things they possess, all while under the guise of saying "I Love You".  And I also believe that Nons, as previously mentioned, are rational thinkers working to solve irrational problems, albeit who lack the cunning and risk taking BPD's can readily engage in without breaking a sweat.   
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« Reply #50 on: March 13, 2013, 02:07:59 PM »

I believe that for the most part in each of our past relationships with BPD's that the majority of them had at least one thing that we didn't, be that wealth, beauty, power, prestige, extroidinarily high knowledge of a subject of some sort and they used this to their advantage, .   

I believe i had the advantage in almost everything with the exception of the big one... .  knowing what "love" was or what makes a good boyfriend.  She always claimed she knew what i needed to do to be the perfect boyfriend or who i needed to be like.  If i loved her I would do tXYZ... .  if i reallly wanted to be with her then i should do XYZ.
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« Reply #51 on: March 13, 2013, 04:01:31 PM »

Trampled, thank you for sharing that.  I noticed that as my relationship went along with the ex pwBPD and out of the idealization stage I got much more of "if you really loved me you'd do... .  "   or 'I'm just never good enough for you because if I were you would have done ... .  ".   I remember one time she had a fit for me to get her something to eat on my way over as I was leaving my kid's soccer practice, so I stopped and got her a salad she liked, and when I brought it over to her house, she opened it and totally blew up-all because I got grilled chicken on it instead of fried, LOL  she said if I really loved her I would have known she hated grilled and only ate fried on her salads.  I swear honestly it was like having another 40 hour a week job just dealing with all that relationship.  All the "If you loved me you'd do X" or "if you wanted to be with me you'd have done hit__"  all that is I believe is manipulation on their part, they want us to give up everything to be with them, while they give up nothing in return.  Thanks for reminding me. 
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just me.
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« Reply #52 on: March 13, 2013, 04:32:32 PM »

I am a fixer, but it is merely a symptom of my real problem.  I am good at a lot of things, but I have never been very good at feeling happy.

Fixing a person was supposed to make her happy.  I could be good enough for the both of us, and the emotion that radiated out of her seemed as though it could easily be enough to shine on me as well as her.  Together we'd be like two puzzle pieces that finally completed the picture.

I used to wonder what the point of it all was... .  and those questions rang through my head all the time.  With her little tears, and her sad beauty, and her quivering broken heart beside me, though, those questions stopped (at least at first):  The point was her, the point was her, the point was her.

Pulling her out of the swamp seemed to me as though it was supposed to be my life's work.  I was so happy to find something so meaningful.


In other words, I'm codependent.
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« Reply #53 on: March 13, 2013, 08:21:58 PM »

Good thread. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

How do we fix the need to fix?

Clearmind,

As for me:

1. I am seeing a therapist for grief counseling and when I grow past it, I will take a good long hard look at me and my relationships (family, friends, lovers) and with help, figure out what Im doing "wrong" and correct it. I do not want to subject the rest of my life to people who are toxic. Life's too short and it robs me of the good friends and family (present and to be in the future)

I am starting to admit that this devastating event in my life has exposed the mistakes I made - past and present.

This is a great thread everyone. I have gotten some much needed advice, sharing, and perspectives

. . .  and I really needed it 
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« Reply #54 on: March 13, 2013, 08:28:55 PM »

I'm a fixer, not much more to say!

I also am very loyal and don't give up on people I see good in.  To my detriment sometimes!

ditto for me
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #55 on: March 13, 2013, 09:04:36 PM »

What my trait looks like is basically:

"Willing to put up with lots of !@#$@!$#!@$#!"

On a deeper level, I was DESPERATE for love when I met her so I ate all of the romance like candy while ignoring the pit in my gut. It was a familiar dynamic... .  my mom is very similar... .  single mom, waify, temperamental, unstable, needy. I wanted to make the single mom a love success story. My grandparents doted after my mom's needs, so it was as if I was trained to be a rescuer.

What I learned:

1) I have my own fears of intimacy largely b/c I'm not "comfortable" with healthy, nice women.

2) If I meet a nice woman, I have a fear they will become like my mother... .  nearly impossible to deal with.

3) I spent a lot of time to myself as a child, very likely to get away from an uncomfortable home environment. In a lot of ways, I've been running from healthy people ever since.

4) It's a journey, and it's going to take as long it takes, but the reward will be great.

5) Don't ignore negative feelings in the gut!
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« Reply #56 on: March 14, 2013, 04:30:08 PM »

Hi,

Protector as opposed to knight in white



The above traits made it possible for someone to slip into my cracks in my own personality . 
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jaird
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« Reply #57 on: March 15, 2013, 07:50:47 AM »

Hi,

Protector as opposed to knight in white



The above traits made it possible for someone to slip into my cracks in my own personality . 

good insight!
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« Reply #58 on: March 15, 2013, 02:13:35 PM »

What my trait looks like is basically:

"Willing to put up with lots of !@#$@!$#!@$#!"

On a deeper level, I was DESPERATE for love when I met her so I ate all of the romance like candy while ignoring the pit in my gut. It was a familiar dynamic... .  my mom is very similar... .  single mom, waify, temperamental, unstable, needy. I wanted to make the single mom a love success story. My grandparents doted after my mom's needs, so it was as if I was trained to be a rescuer.

What I learned:

1) I have my own fears of intimacy largely b/c I'm not "comfortable" with healthy, nice women.

2) If I meet a nice woman, I have a fear they will become like my mother... .  nearly impossible to deal with.

3) I spent a lot of time to myself as a child, very likely to get away from an uncomfortable home environment. In a lot of ways, I've been running from healthy people ever since.

4) It's a journey, and it's going to take as long it takes, but the reward will be great.

5) Don't ignore negative feelings in the gut!

Wonder how many of us spent a lot of time by ourselves... .  read in schema literature that the BPD person is the abandoned child, and they favor an r/s with a lonely child, (someone that spent a lot of time alone I presume). I spent a lot of time alone, as a kid I was oldest kid, and got my own room in basement while rest of family was together upstairs, then we moved to rural area, I lost all my friends and lived miles from anyone for a number of years, then left to live with my dad, found out he didn't live in apartment I thought he lived in, he lived with his girfriend, so I was in the apartment (from 14-17) by myself, and it was in new school district so started over with no friends, and was pretty isolated, and so on... its always been case. I am now 50, and still pretty isolated. Wonder if that is just a chance thing or a common thing we have in common?
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« Reply #59 on: March 15, 2013, 05:52:29 PM »

Good thread. Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

How do we fix the need to fix?

Clearmind,

As for me:

1. I am seeing a therapist for grief counseling and when I grow past it, I will take a good long hard look at me and my relationships (family, friends, lovers) and with help, figure out what Im doing "wrong" and correct it. I do not want to subject the rest of my life to people who are toxic. Life's too short and it robs me of the good friends and family (present and to be in the future)

I am starting to admit that this devastating event in my life has exposed the mistakes I made - past and present.

This is a great thread everyone. I have gotten some much needed advice, sharing, and perspectives

. . .  and I really needed it 

Good for you - something fabulous will come from this pain I promise you.

You will understand yourself better, you can protect yourself better, you will love yourself more - you won't want to get into another r/s like your past one because for the first time you will value yourself too much to subject yourself to the abuse.
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