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[AbbyNormal]

 

I have done a lot of research and trolled around online for a couple of years looking for ways to cope with a BPD loved one. I am the adult child of a BPD mother. She was never formally diagnosed. On one hand she won't seek treatment because she says there's nothing wrong with her. On the other hand, she says she was diagnosed in her twenties (she's now in her 60s) as bipolar. She says she was placed on valium in her twenties and learned to abuse it while taking it with alcohol. She says because of that she'll never trust a mental health professional again.

Honestly there are so many thoughts in my head right now, I don't know where to begin. I am an only child. My mom is also an only child. I feel alone a lot of the time in dealing with her because there isn't anyone else in her life---no parents, siblings, aunts/uncles, a spouse, etc. She has been married multiple times and friends have come and gone. There is a definite pattern of rushing into a relationship, idolizing that person, and then demonizing them. I am married (for the better part of 20 years) with 3 children and live in another state from my mother. Aside from my relationship with my mother, I have a pretty happy life. I love my family and my friends. However, loving a BPD person can take a huge bite out of the rest of your otherwise happy life. I speak with her often, usually daily. Right now she has just finished a rage episode and is not speaking to me. I am exhausted from the constant walking on eggshells and trying to keep the peace.

I used to internalize her rages and I worked hard for years to be "good enough." Of course, I never got much mileage out of that. Last year one of my children had a health issue that required a major surgery. And I had a health scare of my own that literally almost took my life. My mother wasn't there for either event. She also hasn't been there for my wedding or the birth(s) of my children. You can imagine how hurtful this is given that she is my only relative. Meanwhile, she says the most important day of her life was the day she retired, but I digress. After the events of last year, I have been seriously wondering what I'm fighting for here. What am I trying to preserve? I guess you could say my perspective has changed. Now that's she's giving me the silent treatment, for the first time, I've been flirting with the idea of not reaching out and insisting (like I always do) that we can work this out.

So, I find myself here... .  with you guys. If I can find some more ways to cope, that'd be great. Given my mother's age, and the fact that she is completely alone, I'd like to be able to be in her life and help her. However, I'm also really tired. Utterly exhausted. Worn out. No more to give. I look forward to hearing your thoughts and advice. I'm all ears.

[doubleAries]

Hi AbbyNormal, and  

Wow, does your story sound familiar! My mom is also a BPD.

We have lots of really good resources--videos, articles, workshops, chat groups--to help you through all this. Many times, just understanding the parameters of what you are dealing with helps immensely. Here's an article that may be useful How to Forgive an Abusive Parent

And this is a really good article to help us learn what we did not learn growing up: Boundaries Tools of Respect

I have to laugh a little at the reasoning of a BPD mom--they learn to bause prescription drugs while taking them with alcohol, so now they will never trust a mental health professional again! That is so perfectly BPD!

So how about you, Abby--are you in any kind of counseling? How would you like your relationship with your mom to change? We are here to help and support you through this trying time with your mom! 

dounleAries

[AbbyNormal]

Thanks for the response!

I am not currently in counseling but have had counseling in the past. I am relatively new to the city I live in and would like to re-enter counseling but haven't found someone yet. Admittedly, it only moves to the top of my to do list when I feel particularly challenged in my ability to cope.

Anecdotal snapshots play through my mind when I read articles like the ones you suggested or even when I try to write like I am now. BPD is so hard to describe as are the feelings it creates. When I wrote the part about the Valium and alcohol abuse and how that was somehow her counselor's fault, I felt a sense of relief that I didn't have to explain it any further. Trying to explain the logic of a BPD person to someone who has no experience with BPD is nearly impossible. And, before I knew about BPD, I remember just feeling so confused and like a failure when I couldn't follow my mother's logic. I remember saying to myself one of us (us being me and my mom) is completely nuts. If it's me, I wanna fix it. Starting from that "ground zero" is what eventually led me to discovering that BPD existed. I read one time that BPD was also known as that crazy btch. Once I heard that, I was like yes! That's what it's called where I come from!

I had to laugh, albeit uncomfortably, at some of the text in the boundaries article. My mother has gathered some psychology points (mostly from television) that she loves to use.  Case in point, her latest rage episode came as the result of a phone conversation between her and my husband.

They were on the phone for a couple of hours, re: fixing her computer, programming her new television, and installing a new bathroom sink.

During the conversation she leveled a few attacks about how neglected she felt that these repairs had not been addressed earlier. My husband patiently responded that he was trying to help and had been trying to help for some time. He said he was happy to help but he needed for her to make some specific choices regarding what she wants done. All in all, the conversation seemed to go okay.

I got one email within a few hours saying that she felt bullied and bruised as a result of their conversation. I replied that I was sorry she felt that way and that it wasn't our intention. I tried to call later in the day, she raged and hung up. I got another email the next morning saying that she was setting boundaries. She said my husband employed tactics in their conversation that were the same that her abusive dad had used and that it wouldn't be tolerated. She said she didn't want to discuss the repairs anymore only for them to be done. I wasn't to send a repair person to do the work, nor was I to send my husband to do the work--I was to do it myself. Now, I haven't the foggiest idea how to fix a computer or install a sink and she knows that. Not to mention, she lives about 700 miles away. But I suppose that's part of the point.

The part in the article that says we have to let the "chips fall where they may" is the hardest part for me. I feel like there's a lot at stake. A relationship that I don't want to lose hangs in the balance. To get through this, I usually pray. It helps me to leave it in God's hands.

[doubleAries]

Hi again, Abby--

It is a huge relief to talk with others who understand. I know exactly what you mean--my brothers and I have discussed soo many times how we can never really tell anyone about our childhood, because not only would they not understand, it's just too hard to explain. Mainly because if we don't understand it ourselves, how are we supposed to explain it to someone else?  That has left me with this feeling of a "secret identity" (childhood). Even at my dentist's office--she says "I can't believe that even a semi-competent dentist couldn't see the dental problems you'd be facing without removing your wisdom teeth back then. Why didn't your dentist remove these?" And I have to say "uuuuhhhh--I didn't have a dentist when I was a kid." And she says "what? what do you mean? How could you not have ever seen a dentist? Especially with these dental problems?"   hoo--boy.  I'm just guessing, but she probably doesn't want to hear about "the tuna fish incident"! 

Yeah, we all understand here--even if the examples aren't exactly the same, the irrationality of it all is. Yep, if you don't go fix your mom's sink and computer, it will be proof of how mean you are. 

here are a couple of articles that have been really helpful to me in trying to put my childhood into some kind of perspective How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children And this one comes from a book that, in my opinion, is hands down the best book available about BPD mothers, and totally changed my life BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

You should join us over on the family members of BPD chat board [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board where you can read others posts and replies and make some of your own! Look forward to seeing you there (click on the link and it will take you to the board, then you can choose posts to read or look for the little blue tab that says "new topic" to start one)

doubleAries

[NotTheMama]

When I wrote the part about the Valium and alcohol abuse and how that was somehow her counselor's fault, I felt a sense of relief that I didn't have to explain it any further. Trying to explain the logic of a BPD person to someone who has no experience with BPD is nearly impossible.

It really is helpful to have someplace where you can relate with others who understand that there's no comprehending the "logic."

She said she didn't want to discuss the repairs anymore only for them to be done. I wasn't to send a repair person to do the work, nor was I to send my husband to do the work--I was to do it myself. Now, I haven't the foggiest idea how to fix a computer or install a sink and she knows that. Not to mention, she lives about 700 miles away. But I suppose that's part of the point.

I think the point here is that if you find a way to meet these outrageously unreasonable "perfectly reasonable request" demands, they are forced to up the ante and come up with even more outrageous unreasonableness.  They need to come up with something that you simply can't do.  They can't play out their self-fulfilling prophecy of abandonment otherwise.

And nothing will ever be good enough, so we may as well save ourselves the energy of trying to meet outrageous demands.  When I do "a favor" for one of my family members, it's because it's something I want to do;  I can't let their "need" be my motivation anymore.  I can't do favors for them anymore out of a mutual altruism motive, because there is never any reciprocation.  There is no give and take, only take and take, and then take some more.

I'm just guessing, but she probably doesn't want to hear about "the tuna fish incident"! 

Can't speak for your dentist, but now I desperately want to hear about "the tuna fish incident"!  It reminds me of William Goldman's The Princess Bride:

In any case, the two countries had stayed alive over the centuries mainly by warring on each other. There had been the Olive War, the Tuna Fish Discrepancy, which almost bankrupted both nations, the Roman Rift, which did send them both into insolvency, only to be followed by the Discord of the Emeralds, in which they both got rich again, chiefly by banding together for a brief period and robbing everybody within sailing distance.

There is also a band called "The Tuna Fish Discrepancy", no doubt fans of Goldman's work. 

[AbbyNormal]

I agree with NotTheMama. I want to know about the tuna fish incident! Please, share. Y'all have already given me some good resources, affirmation, and (most importantly) made me laugh.  Thank you!

I read the resources doubleAries suggested early this morning. The How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children article was very informative and interesting. I was already familiar with the Understanding the Borderline Mother book. It has also been really helpful. I discovered, idk, maybe two years ago that I'm dealing with a witch who likes to sometimes be a queen.

I will definitely start venturing out further into the [L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Board. I think a lot of what I've been missing is the fellowship of those who truly understand. I live in a small city and I haven't found a counselor here who deals with BPD issues. I visited with a counselor here last year who didn't recognize BPD and her advice was to essentially tell my mom to "get over it." Now, there are days I'd love to do just that but you all know how well that would work. I read once that telling a BPD sufferer to just straighten up is like telling a parkinson's sufferer to just stop shaking/trembling.

Still, I find the best ways to survive are to gather as many practical coping skills as possible (like listed in the boundaries article) and laughter.

"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" ~Will Ferrell as Mugatu

[doubleAries]

Oh no! I didn't mean to start a curiousity about the tuna fish incident! Look, I'll give a link to it, but must warn it is not a humorous story at all. My mother is a witch BPD. No queen, no waif, no hermit. Pure witch. She would more realistically be called a Sadistic Personality Disorder with Borderline features (or explosive sadist). https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=189733.15;wap2 I don't want to wreck the good humor we're having here. It can be important to find humor in some of our dealings with all this, so our heads don't explode.

[AbbyNormal]

Wow, doubleAries. Definitely nothing humorous in that story.   Coincidentally, I had a dentist appointment day before yesterday and so did my daughter. My daughter ended up needing to get her last two baby teeth extracted, so we had another visit yesterday. I found myself thinking of you, reflecting on your stories, and feeling thankful that my daughter has a different life.

I'm not in a place today where I can stand back and laugh anyway. It's acutely painful right now. I know it's damaging to my health. And, I know that she is not responsible for my feelings--I am. What I don't know is how to let go of the feelings. The best I seem to muster is suppressing them and moving on. The years of suppression cause the panic attacks. From what I've read, I can't let go of the feelings because something is hardwired in me to believe I deserve these feelings. Somewhere in me I read them as true. I don't on a surface level, but I must subconsciously. How do I change the subconscious beliefs?

[NotTheMama]

It's acutely painful right now. I know it's damaging to my health. And, I know that she is not responsible for my feelings--I am. What I don't know is how to let go of the feelings. The best I seem to muster is suppressing them and moving on. The years of suppression cause the panic attacks. From what I've read, I can't let go of the feelings because something is hardwired in me to believe I deserve these feelings. Somewhere in me I read them as true. I don't on a surface level, but I must subconsciously. How do I change the subconscious beliefs?

Thank you for the warning.  I'll skip the story for now in case there's something triggering in it for me (being my own parent ).

You are responsible for your own feelings, but that doesn't mean you can really control them.  Sometimes all we can do is just acknowledge the feelings, "You know what?  I'm feeling enraged (or terrified, anxious, sad, whatever) right now.  These feelings are pretty overwhelming, so I might need to take a little break so I can just sit with them and compose myself.  The feelings will still be there, but feelings will not actually harm me.  I can do behaviors that I choose to do despite the existence of these feelings happening right now."  It was really powerful for me to realize that feelings cannot hurt me, no matter how awful they are.  I remind myself of that with fair frequency.

What we are both responsible for and can control are our actions.

So what I do a lot of times is dialog with myself internally, that I believe something that is not true.  Because I know intellectually it is not true, I am going to choose to behave in a way that is consistent with objective reality, despite my beliefs to the contrary.  It's not so much a suppression of the feelings, because I give myself permission to feel the feelings.  But what I don't give myself permission to do (most of the time!) is engage in behaviors that are driven by those false beliefs.  My knee-jerk reactions to having my old buttons pushed are likely to be maladaptive behaviors, so I have trained myself to short-circuit those so that I can choose behaviors that I have reasoned out are likely to be healthy.

My understanding is that people who have BPD who are in treatment have to deal with their entire lives this way basically.  Because they cannot necessarily trust their instincts, they have to respond to everything with an intellectually pre-determined behavior.  It's obviously exhausting to try to keep that up, and of course I am not always successful even though I don't have as much of an uphill battle as they do.  This is one place where I can find empathy for people with BPD, even though they can be so difficult and hurtful.

Of course, the reason I believe subconsciously that I "deserve" these feelings is because I was programmed to by my parents, who should have given me an entirely different toolkit from the one they gave me.  But here we are, today, living in reality, and so I soldier on, trying to act contrary to my instincts most of the time... .    And I think that one changes the subconscious beliefs by living the actual truth despite our feelings, over and over.  Eventually the things we know intellectually, we begin to know subconsciously too.  I think it just takes time.   

[doubleAries]

Abby, that is EXACTLY what I am working on myself. We develop certain coping skills as children to survive, to deal with our circumstances. Sometimes when I tell my childhood stories, people are horrified and then think "well, maybe I didn't have it so bad, and I'm whining about nothing". THIS IS NOT TRUE. We're not competing for horror stories here. We're trying to learn how to retrain ourselves to have reactions more appropriate to healthy lives, rather than dysfunctional ones. No matter what the level of severity of dysfunction we grew up in.

I found this article to be  outstanding in that regard https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103393.0;topicseen It's long but well worth the read!

Also, see over there to the right of this post, the sidebar labeled "Survivors guide"? Click on those. Read them all. Obviously, it doesn't happen overnight.

I too have spent many, many years suppressing my feelings. What that has gotten me is underdeveloped, immature feelings. I've tried to make up for it with analytical skills. But there really isn't a substitute. I've hung onto my resentments, guilts, fears, pain for what happened to me as a kid because I (immaturely) believe that's what protects me. That's the only recourse I had as a child--secret feelings. I had a lot of practise at it. It became automatic (subconscious), like all things do when you practise them enough.

So how do you "undo" this? By practising something else.

Yes, I know--easier said than done. But that's what it boils down to. If it's too hard to do while being in contact with your mother, then take a break. Or resort to low contact while you sort yourself out. In my case, my mom is such a witch I just cut all contact off permanantly with her--which didn't teach me how to deal with her (or other "difficult" people), but did give me time to realize "wow! instead of only being able to react to her drama/crisis/soap opera/rage du jour, I actually have time to look at my own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs!" Sometimes that's where you start.

[XL]

This is quite familiar to me: "Come fix my house" really means "I'm lonely and want your company". A normal person would just suggest a lunch date or something. No. "Come remodel my house for free and only specific people can do it, and you're all jerks for not helping me enough" means "I want lunch and hug."

I am absolutely done with house repairs, and the family who insists it must happen. Totally done. It's waif behavior, and once I realized what it was, I shut that down.

I also say "I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!" at least twice a week. 

[AbbyNormal]

Thanks, NotTheMama. It is helpful to give myself permission to just have the feelings! (lightbulb) And, to take a moment and know that I don't have to act on them-- that they're powerless and can't hurt me. That's easy to forget. They feel very overwhelming sometimes.

doubleAries, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes when these emotions, it's like playing mental hot potato. Like, oh no, here come the feelings. I'm sinking. Get rid of them, quick. Yes, survivor's guide. Got it. Working on it. 

XL, I know. Crazy pills.  I moved away from my mom many years ago. She was was really abusive during my childhood. For years I really only focused on trying to heal from a physically abusive parent. Once I learned about BPD, I finally felt like I'd made a breakthrough. Of course, that led me to try an untangle the mess of emotional, mental, and spiritual abuse. And, because I'm still in contact, I have to also fend off new advances. Heal the past. Cope with the present. Heal and cope. Cope and heal. Sometimes I think it's a full time job.

She has been left with very little to abuse me with now. She is something of a toothless tiger. So, she plays the waif game when she can. A witch in waif's clothing if you will. 

[InaMinorRole]

My version of the conversation:

You (if you were me): If you think I'm going to travel 700 miles to fix your sink you are mistaken.

Her: You don't love me, you're a selfish person, your husband is a jerk, and blah blah blah.

You: Be that as it may, you are going to have to come up with another plan for fixing your sink.

Her: You were always horrible, I will never speak to you again, and blah blah blah.

You: We'll talk later when you're feeling better. Bye, Mom!

And then you hang up.