Sooner or latter they have to realize what they threw away

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

cal

I can relate with the wish your SO would see your values. I can so relate.

Be prepared that it perhaps will not happen bc there is her mental illness.

What you can do: You know your values. And perhaps you have people who knows it too. This is what counts!

[Surnia]

cal

I can relate with the wish your SO would see your values. I can so relate.

Be prepared that it perhaps will not happen bc there is her mental illness.

What you can do: You know your values. And perhaps you have people who knows it too. This is what counts!

[flatspin]

Self preservation, survival, denial... .  

My experience says they might unemotionally say "yeah... .  I made a mistake. But it's my life and I want to be free to live it the way I want." Also, I think a recurring theme I've read here is the BPD belief that it's gonna end anyhow. Like "love hurts"

I've had the same experience as you somehow. Even if the official reasons why my future ex-wife went through with a divorce petition was because I didn't do things fast enough and couldn't (didn't want to, according to her... .  ) give her all the money that she wanted me to give her, I've "felt" that one additional and implicit reason was that she wanted to live the way she wanted, not having anyone to whom she'd have to account for what she does in/of her life.

Her life is a mess, she doesn't take her meds for bipolar disorder or take them only when she feels like to and I've understood through her comments and reactions that she didn't want anyone by her side who would remind her (directly through words or indirectly just by a presence by her side) what she must do whereas she doesn't feel like doing it.

As for the topic of this thread, I think that they may have regrets sometimes but they always justify the present situation they're in by accusing others of all the evils that have befallen on them since always. It's never their fault... .  They'd kill someone, they'd say that it's not their fault because we made them do it... .  

[flatspin]

What I find interesting is, my wife has held strong to her past as a child growing up and will not let that go. All the abuse etc... yet with me, there is zilch from the past that is positive that she seems to recall. We are separated/getting divorced, and it is over - according to her, about a fight that happened 4 years ago. Nothing to do with the present? Always a past issue.

So why is it a BPD person seems to hold on to memories that happened to them that is the reasons why they are BPD, and cannot let go of them, yet they cannot see the good in the NON, that they willingly walk away from?

There has to be some defect that stores only bad memories and keeps any good memories locked up. It's infuriating to see this same issue occur in my relationship, and to read so many other folks experiencing the same thing.

BTW, today is my 4 year wedding anniversary. It was 4 years ago we had the most beautiful, warm,loving - wedding day with all our friends in attendance,  and today we are so far apart... it's a sad story.

I'm in the same boat... .  Married since almost two years ago and I received a divorce petition one month before our first wedding anniversary... .  

As for memories, I think that it's the same as written above, somehow quite similar to the "spreading effect" of cognitive dissonance. Whenever we want to get rid of something/someone, we unconsciously only look for and find reproaches, flaws and downsides in it/him/her in order to legitimate our decision. I may be wrong but that looks the same as two drops.

Quote from www.cios.org/encyclopedia/persuasion/Dcognitive_dissonance_6_glossary.htm :

spreading effect: when dissonance arises after making a decision, one way to reduce dissonance is to increase the advantages of the chosen option and the disadvantages of the unchosen option, spreading them apart.