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Author Topic: I Sabotaged what is left of our Relationship~on purpose...  (Read 506 times)
Lovingwife315

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« on: March 14, 2013, 10:49:11 AM »

Sabotaged what is left of our Relationship~on purpose... .  

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So H and I have been living apart for 3 months now, D Day was in July... .  but alot happened in between then and now. Needless to say I wasn't "rocking the boat" because I still maintained somewhat of a relationship with my husband. (pathetic as it was) Basically I got to have him around, we were still having sex, and hanging out and talking etc. But I had to keep quiet about it, and not tell the OW, because their relationship was based on a lie and if she knew the truth he would lose her and I would lose him... .  GOT it?

Good so, I have been so weak dealing with H. I give in to him, I can't seem to stay angry at him... .  I just need a chance to get over him. So I wrote that email I was wanting to write and sent it to OW and her sister. Clearly stating he has lied to her about everything from the day they met. That I only kept quiet about us still sleeping together because I was afraid to be without him. But now I realize even though you love someone, sometimes the relationship is just not healthy for you.

I am assuming she called him, as he said "what I did caused him upset and sadness" He is barely talking to me, which hurts but I know it is necessary for me to get over him, and honestly it is easier for me this way.

I arrived home last night, and found his house key on my table. ( he had come over to have dinner with the kids, because I had to work late last night) He left the key to hurt me. I know that, He said he didn't, but he just assumed after what I did to him I would want it back. I thanked him, and told him

"One last thing. I realized over the pat few months that I have spent our entire relationship putting your feelings first and always making sure u were ok and happy. Even after such a tremendous betrayal and many hurtful words from u I put my hurt and self respect aside to make sure u felt cared for and loved by me and the kids. I thought about your feelings as much as alys in regards to missing out on things together , but got accused of doing it to spend time with u. All I wanted was to see u both happy. Even thru my tears that has been my main goal. That is love. And that is why and how I finally accepted u have never really loved me, because u would never have done that for me. It's ok I don't hate u. But I need to start taking care of me, as I am the only one who can. And that starts with not putting your needs first anymore. I'm sorry "

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #1 on: March 14, 2013, 01:29:19 PM »

For starters I would like to say,go go girl!

Second, has he replied yet and what is your main struggle atm? The no contact? The uncertainty about the future or how this will evolve with your hubby?
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2013, 01:52:32 PM »

LOL... .  

He replied to my statement in the origianl post with "I guess that means you will be taking me to court for everything I have and the kids as well?"   

I followed that with "  I don't want to take anymore from you, u should know that by now and the fact that you say that means you think very little of me"

Since then (Tuesday night when came by to have dinner with the kids (left my key), the only text I got from him was regarding pickup and our son's school work, as we have been having problems with him lately.  This morning when I saw him, (first time since Sunday)  I didn't say a word to him or him to me.

No contact has always been hard for me.  During our marriage we were each others "go to person" for everything!  Best Friends, etc.  I miss that, in addition I feel sorry for him, he is the one all alone... .  although he seems to be ok with it. (but I guess with me and OW in his life he never had to experience being alone before now)  She lives 3000 miles away, and their relationship was mainly Emotional with a once a month visit. 

I guess I wonder how I would respond if he came back and asked to reconsile.  We have never really been apart for more than a day or 2 in the last 12 years
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« Reply #3 on: March 14, 2013, 02:01:40 PM »

Sabotaged what is left of our Relationship~on purpose... .  

But now I realize even though you love someone, sometimes the relationship is just not healthy for you.

That line in your post is what your mission is.

To not only realize it, but to accept it and put it into action.

I don't know the particulars of your relationship, only you do, but if you cannot be healthy, live healthy and pass that health on to your children then well, it is hell.

If he suffers with BPD then things will only get worse until he decides he wants them better. All the Love in the world will do little to change that.

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gina louise
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« Reply #4 on: March 14, 2013, 02:09:45 PM »

the difficulty lies not in getting away... .  but staying away.

stay strong-you deserve a full, whole, two sided r/s. where BOTH partners give and take.

GL
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #5 on: March 14, 2013, 02:22:58 PM »

 

Im so glad I have you all!
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« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2013, 02:24:01 PM »

So you are still married, I'm guessing he was having an affair and you basically outed him to the OW? 

Ya you did absolutely nothing wrong. 
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« Reply #7 on: March 14, 2013, 02:38:00 PM »

All you did was BRING THE TRUTH TO LIGHT... .  and would not "push it under the rug" anymore; KNOWING that he would respond AS HE DID and you were READY to accept that.

VERY HEALTHY of you... .  it is hard, I understand but you seem to really "get it" that he is NOT THERE for you and that you must (and you have) find your own resolve to this... .  

He will continue to sling mud, use the kids, lie about you to friends, try to cry to your coworkers, create DRAMA to "see himself as the VICTIM and you as the perpetrator/abuser"... .  Don't let it get to you. He will likely NOT "let go" with some decency and respect towards you.

Keep walking FORWARD... .  you have burned the bridges so you wouldn't have to be afraid of the RAGING RIVER again... .  you are SAFE now on the OTHER side.

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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #8 on: March 14, 2013, 03:05:06 PM »

Yes backround is Married for 12 years together for 18... .  July 14 he claims his feeling lessened and thinks he wants a divorce... .  from July to Dec he lives at home , we do MC, still together, intimate, spending time together with family etc( I found out about her in Aug) He moved out for the month of Sept, but moved back in and I found out she had moved out of state.  He NEVER verbally commited to Reconciling, but we were obviously not divorcing yet... .  I guess I thought we had a chance... .  needless to say, I felt it wasn't going anywhere and that if we had a chance he needed to move out.  I found him a place and he moved out Jan 2nd, we still maintained sort of a relationship, talked daily, slept together thru last week and Over the months (Oct-Feb) OW had "contacted me"

Combination of her interference and him wanting to be with me, but on the sly from her, and visa versa, I choose to out him and his lies to her and copy the email to her twin sister who is extreamly close to her... .  to hold her accountable for all the crap she has done, and make he think twice before believing his lies again.  

In a way I believe he feels betrayed by me, that I told her about us... .  which made up "upset and sad"
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #9 on: March 14, 2013, 03:14:37 PM »

Hi real lady.

Thanks for the response.  I have to say that the only person that will see any of his "drama" will be me.  He has never been one to talk to my friends or co workers, he won't complain to my family, he is very private, and doesnt like looking "bad"  He has made it very clear to me that he "deserves" to be punished for all that he has done and he will take what ever I feel is appropriate,  He will only cry to me, make me feel sorry for him, make me want to take care of him, and make things better for him.

I know that he will try to come back in some way again... .  it is just a matter of time.
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syz

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« Reply #10 on: March 14, 2013, 03:19:41 PM »

yeah I hate to say I have much more experience in the infidelity department than the BPD department. 

His bs is right out of the cheaters handbook almost nothing they say is unique.  Often they feel 'betrayed' when the betrayed spouse outs the affair partner to their own spouse, and use the 'you are wrecking their marriage' line on their SO. haha as if!  Yeah telling the truth is worse than the secretive bumping uglies and lies.  It is almost hysterical if it weren't so pathetic.  Cheaters whether BPD or not have certain patterns they follow very rarely do they deviate.  He has been cake eating and gaslighting both of you.  So he can feel sad all he wants or even betrayed.  He betrayed himself  and you.  Now the consequences are coming home to roost.  And trust me the OW will probably feel betrayed by him which is even funnier.  The only way she is off the hook is if she didn't know he was married because he was lying to her. 
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #11 on: March 14, 2013, 03:25:31 PM »

I have thought about that... .  I do believe he lied to her from Feb-July.  She knew he was married but I believe he told her we were seperated (I knew nothing, as we seemed happier than we had in years, sex was off the hook awesome (we are a everyday type of couple) went on 2 vacations one as a family one alone, all while he was supposedly "dating" her.  Come July/Aug when I found out, he was going thru some doubt, and she kept saying "are you going back to your wife"  HELLO!  HE NEVER LEFT!   I confronted her (email in oct after she facebook friend requested me)  SHE certainly knew about me then!  But all the lies he told her, she probably thought I was crazy.  He is good at making women believe him... .  he had me fooled for 18 years!
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syz

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« Reply #12 on: March 14, 2013, 03:39:21 PM »

Oh I'm sure she got lied to.  Happens all the time and then they are indignant.  "I knew he was married but I can't believe he LIED to ME!".  It's pathetic.  I have such little respect for cheaters and the OPs after going through what I went through.  It's one of the reasons I found upwBPD accusing me of going after her friend who was a married man in her apartment so bloody offensive that it was enough to end whatever was left of our relationship over.  Laughingly she accuses me of only wanting to be friends when its convenient for me.  It goes so far beyond that.  Any way back to your situation.   She knew he was married.  Even if separated? where did she think he was living?  in house separations aren't unheard of... but I'd never get involved with someone who was still living with their spouse separated or not. 
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #13 on: March 14, 2013, 03:54:51 PM »

I guess I will never know what she really knew... .  I asked her to talk to me but she has yet to respond.  Dont know if it would help me to understand or not.  All I know is he feels betrayed by me now... .  guess we are even!
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syz

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« Reply #14 on: March 14, 2013, 04:14:59 PM »

exactly... because nothing says even like telling the truth vs telling a pack of lies for almost almost a year while your pants are down and your genitals are inserted into someone other than your spouse.   Sounds even to me. 
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GreenMango
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« Reply #15 on: March 14, 2013, 07:55:50 PM »

It think its good to take BPD out of this.

He's used to having his cake and eating it too.  When it didn't happen he tantrumed, gave his key back, and withdrew.  If you acquiesce to his ridiculousy unreasonable demands and allow him to return with his rules in play signals this is okay and acceptable to you.

Sometimes we lower our bar so low anyone makes the grade.  It sounds like you want better.  You deserve better and it sounds like it may not be him.  He's not capable.

Good for you for looking out for what you need.  Youre worth it.

So where to from here?

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« Reply #16 on: March 15, 2013, 06:02:32 AM »

I guess I will never know what she really knew... .  I asked her to talk to me but she has yet to respond. 

Probably NOT, I had a situation where I tried to reach out to my then soon to be EX husband (son's father) to his NEW wife (yes, he couldn't wait to get married and committed bigamy; no consequence for it really though) and I reached out to her by FB PM through one of her friends whom had the same name as a friend of mine (uncommon) that I might have known and she forwarded my message to the new wife but then she bashed me on her facebook page calling me "mentally ill" for trying to break them up. I made it clear that I DID NOT WANT HIM but WARNED her about his lies, controlling and "user qualities". She didn't listen, never responded. I have seen her 4 times since and NOTHING was said about it. I don't care if she is screwed financial and even through abuse. I think that SHE is abusing him... .  talk about "getting even".

Excerpt
Dont know if it would help me to understand or not.  All I know is he feels betrayed by me now... .  guess we are even.

That is what I thought... .  I thought that he felt "sad and hurt" was just a drama scene... .  REALLY? I would have wanted to say to him:

YOU feel sad and hurt? and I just found out that you were having an affair and LIED to another woman about being separated from me... .  you have GOT to be kidding. (ROFL) [/quote]
It's called CONSEQUENCES of their behavior and what you did was "being kind" to the other woman... .  you didn't need to do it and obviously, she is oblivious to it... .  So glad that you are OUT of that mess and working on yourself.
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #17 on: March 15, 2013, 09:28:44 AM »

so last night H text our D6 to see if she wanted to go for donuts before school. She said yes and to "take mommy for her birthday"

He responded "I can do that for you if you want, if she can go"

So my daughter asked me, initially I thought how nice it would be to do something with the 2 of them on my birthday, but after reading his text to her realized, he didn't want to, he was just trying not to hurt her. So I told her I had to work early and I would be with her tonight.

When he came to pick her up this morning I walked her out, gave her a kiss, and started to walk away. He yelled after me "Happy Birthday" I thanked him without even looking at him and went inside.

First Birtday apart in almost 18 years... .  sad. This is the longest I have been able to go with such limited contact EVER!

But I just keep reminding myself, this was his choice and if I get weak I think about the amazing party he threw for me last year on my birthday, and how that memory is tainted now that I know he was already having an affair with OW at that time.

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GreenMango
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« Reply #18 on: March 15, 2013, 01:07:16 PM »

You two have kids together and you have to talk about the functional parts.  This can be difficult.

It sounds like he's all business now.  The good thing is you can keep it focused on what's best for your kiddos. 

Do you have some support right now?
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #19 on: March 15, 2013, 02:14:34 PM »

I am praying he keeps it at that... .  his M.O. is to reel me back in when he is feeling lonely with chit chat, and then it turns into him saying "I ve been thinking about you"  Then next thing you know we will be back to friends with benefits!  Hope my plan to piss him off works and he stays mad for enough time for me to distance myself from him and not want to be with him so much.
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« Reply #20 on: March 15, 2013, 02:34:15 PM »

It's gonna take some detachment and boundaries for sure.  Hard stuff and not easy.

There's a good workshop on boundaries and maybe the one on Dearman might help you when communicating.  Have you checked hear out?

I am sorry I know this can't be easy on you.
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #21 on: March 15, 2013, 03:22:07 PM »

dearman?
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #22 on: March 16, 2013, 02:44:17 PM »

Made a mistake and saw him last night... .  was sad I wasn't with him. He invited me over and I went. Watch tv made love feel asleep in each others arms. Woke up made love again this morning and then talked... .    Made a final plea for our marriage. Cried. Left and continued the talk via text.  This is what he said. "It sounds like you ate going to ask me to go back to counseling with you,Well if its anything along that line I'm not sure you ate going to like my answer,You're trapping me because you will not believe why I would answer no to this.  I don't hate or despise you and believe me, I thought about this long and hard that you could never imagine, and I fought myself over this, but the only reason I would come Back is for the kids.  You remember all the good things we had together because I am not there, but it's the opposite of what I Remember.  I know what I am doing.  I'm happier now knowing that even though our kids may grow up to resent my choice they will grow up knowing I love them.  They won't grow up knowing that our constant fighting and bickering was in frustration every day because there are no emotional feelings in the relationship.  I thought very long and very hard about this and I accept my fate that you or God or the kids, or anyone else has to instill upon me for that decision.   I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear and I don't care if you don't believe I am not influenced by this decision.  Please know I'm not angry.    Honestly I am happier.  It's one billion times harder than just giving up and saying yes to you, honestly.  But I feel so much more at peace and in control of myself, if that makes sense.  I'm not scared or tired, I just simply do not want too, I'm very sorry about this.  I will miss some times we had together"

I responded in between but really doesn't need to be added for anyone. U all get the point.

I feel like such an idiot for putting myself out there again, we have now agreed to contact only when kid related.
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« Reply #23 on: March 16, 2013, 02:58:14 PM »

I'm so sorry.
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #24 on: March 17, 2013, 11:57:22 AM »

Well today starts a new phase in my life... .  Got to work really hard at NC except for kid stuff . Really hard since he has been my best friend and goto person for 18 years. I know it is necessary for me to start healing and for him to finally see what he has lost. Up until now he has still had me in his life and probably hasn't had the chance to miss me or our life.

Thanks everyone for your support. I will look to u all for the strength to continue NC.
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #25 on: March 20, 2013, 01:57:22 PM »

ok so since Monday morning (he picked D6 up for school) I haven't seen H.  really had no contact with him except for 1 text he sent yesterday and I responded to.  Was surprised today, when he came to mind, that I hadn't thought about him since last night I think... .  could be because I was really busy... .  

It is just a matter of time until he puts out "feelers" to gauge my interest in ammending our agreement... .  

I need to be strong.  But starting to feel pain again now... .  
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« Reply #26 on: March 21, 2013, 02:00:56 AM »

How's your other support system?  Friends, family?

During the hard times it was a great support for me.  Got my mind of things - at least for a little while.
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Lovingwife315

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« Reply #27 on: March 22, 2013, 12:57:10 PM »

Gosh!  I was doing so well... .  and that is why this morning happened I am sure! 

When H came to pick up D6 this morning for school, I was running behind and he came in to assist if packing her backpack etc.  I am contsantly aware of what he is doing when he is around me.  I know he was watching me, even though he turned away when I looked at him.

Then came the "FEELERS"  and I mean "feelers"  As he walked past me he decided to touch me, in a way that he knew would get a reaction out of me. It did... .  And what I felt when he leaned up against me, it got a rise out of him as well.

NOTHING HAPPENED, but if our daughter was not there and ready to walk out of the house it may have... .  

WHY DO THEY DO THIS?  HE LEFT ME... .  
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« Reply #28 on: March 22, 2013, 03:43:02 PM »

When someone has BPD there are several things going on in concert.

-emotional impulsivity ... .  Whatever feels right poor coping skills

-little boundaries ... .  doesn't know what's appropriate

-empathy ... .  Little insight to affect on others

-direction ... .  Lack of decisiveness and commital

-intimacy ... .  Inability to maintain stable and meaningful long lasting relationships

You have to be the leader and model whats expected and enforce your limits.  It's really hard because if you had done what I had done for a long time I reinforced the behavior.  Changing a dynamic is very difficult if its cemented in.  You get all kinds of escalating blowback.

Maybe taking a look at the Boundaries living our values workshop can help.  What we do is often the only thing we can control.

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« Reply #29 on: March 22, 2013, 04:07:36 PM »

WHY DO THEY DO THIS?  HE LEFT ME... .  

My opinion... .  they do it because THEY CAN and they KNOW that it will get a reaction from us. IMHO, it is a POWER thing that they feel that they still have power over us. When we DON'T respond in any positive way, it will stop.

If you would have quickly backed off with a disgusted look on your face and said sternly "excuse me." and huffed, you would have been telling him that HE LOST this game and he will likely NOT be playing it again soon because it did not get the response he wanted.

Obviously, yours DID get the response he was looking for and will do it again. Mark my words. Prepare yourself.

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