ARRRGHH my mind keeps replaying loops over n over

[tut-uncommon]

Does anybody here experience their mind replaying good and bad memories, fantasizing about reuniting-reconciliation?

When I do, I make it worse . . but its difficult to stop

Any "remedy" for this?

[spaceace]

I experienced this BIG time and felt I was losing touch with my own reality.

I booked a session with my therapist. And I talked about it.

I also knew I wanted to totally break free and I made a decision to stop. To re-focus my thoughts when they popped up. I was gentle with myself and didn't beat myself up too much.

Time... and gentleness with yourself will help. It's hard to walk away from any relationship and BPD seems to make it that much harder.

[seeking balance]

Does anybody here experience their mind replaying good and bad memories, fantasizing about reuniting-reconciliation?

When I do, I make it worse . . but its difficult to stop

Any "remedy" for this?

A few tips:

1 - EMDR therapy

2 - make an "appointment" with your memories... .  this lets you learn to control your mind

3 - meditation - learn to control your thoughts

4 - go for a run/walk and play out those conversations - you don't get to stop until you are done "thinking" them.  be careful, there are times I was running and found myself blurting things out - got some crazy looks

5 - process the pain when you can - this means cry when you feel it... .  go into the pain - trying to not feel it will cause more ruminating.

Hang in there,

SB

[mango_flower]

Yup, I do that all the time.  I had OCD as a kid (not severe, but enough for me to miss some schooling due to stress/panic about certain phobias I had) and when I'm stressed, even now, I tend to obsess over things more than most... .  

This has really thrown me for a loop.

I get flashbulb memories sometimes, of being with her... .  lots of things trigger it.  I find it really hard to explain to people why I am mentally checked out a lot of the time, even though I'm smiling and engaging in conversation outwardly.

I try to do that thing that seekingbalance mentioned, about making appointments with your memories. 

For me, redirecting thoughts doesn't work, as they stick in my subconscious and I get physically ill, waking up with the night sweats and shaking in the mornings.

It's about what works for YOU.

What have you tried so far? x

[seeking balance]

I get physically ill, waking up with the night sweats and shaking in the mornings.

EMDR helped me with this

[Dark star]

OMG, I do this too.

Even though my uBPDexgf and I have just ended things for good, and she has agreed to finally let me go, and for both of us to walk away from this r/s, I am still replaying scenes and conversations all the time. A poignant song keeps going round and round in my head... .  driving me mad and making me so sad.

Even though horrible things have been said throughout our relationship, and some major emotional abuse... .  I STILL feel this hope and keep wishing and fantasising about us getting together again. I can't seem to stop it!

I wish I could bring to mind more of the painful things that happened, rather than dreaming about the nice times, and her lovely face and the way I felt when she was being nice to me.

But I guess there is pain within those thoughts too.

Just wish I could stop thinking of her all the time... .  

I want to heal, but I don't think I will ever really get over this relationship

[tut-uncommon]

It's about what works for YOU.

What have you tried so far? x[/quote]
I am seeing a therapist.

I am trying meditation.

I am trying to substitute "good thoughts" or good memories that I had before this relationship.

Sometimes they work, but the habit/tendency is quite powerful.

[seeking balance]

I am seeing a therapist.

I am trying meditation.

I am trying to substitute "good thoughts" or good memories that I had before this relationship.

Sometimes they work, but the habit/tendency is quite powerful.

 all good

DO you have a routine of some form of extreme physical exercise?  boxing, hot power yoga, running... .  anything like this?

[trevjim]

For me it was simply a case of processesing them, I still get them and have triggers a lot but no where as much as before. I used to have night sweats and no be able to eat breakfast as well.

Now when a thought comes into my mind I say to myself 'stuff her, you are better than this and deserve more' im more determined than ever to not let her control/ruin my life.

Its just a matter of time for me.

[goldylamont]

tut-uncommon so much good info on this thread. i also recommend finding a (really) close friend if you have one to talk to and get stuff out. tell them upfront what you're dealing with--you need to get this stuff out and so much appreciate them listening. tell them you want them to stop you if you do it too much, help you keep things in check discuss the things you are discussing here with your friend(s). but make sure you only do this with one or two people who are really understanding (a lot of times it's a friend that can empathize b/c they've been heartbroken too). like my mother told me, don't overdue talking about your ex r/s with everybody b/c this pushes people away. but having a close friend to vomit it all out to can work wonders 

it helps so much to hear other people have gone through or are going through the same things i went through. i think a good way of thinking of these emotions are looking at them as the energy that they are--these emotions contains tons of fiery energy and we have to let them out so they can dissipate. hearty exercise helps, allowing yourself to feel the emotions but in a safe place and never beating yourself up b/c you feel this way helps get this energy out of you.

some people have recommended substituting other 'positive' thoughts--while this could help i don't think it's so good to try this at the point you are at. i think this is for someone more advanced on the track where they are having these fantasies far less and much of the energy in them has been able to escape. and then with your new perspective, regained power (and physical prowess!) you can start trying to redirect your now annoying (instead of disabling) thoughts. if the thoughts are still disabling though, i think your body is saying--stop and let me process this, just stop for a minute and let this stuff out. hope this helps!

[goldylamont]

from my understanding, it can take months to notice any improvement at all. and it can take years to really feel like you are back together. i think it's important to know that this process is a long one and to not beat yourself up day to day. only judge your progress after at least several months have gone by, and know that while you are improving, things will be better, but it's normal for the harder emotions to cycle back in full bloom for a while... .  

[tut-uncommon]

DO you have a routine of some form of extreme physical exercise?  boxing, hot power yoga, running... .  anything like this?[/quote]
seeking balance,

yes, I have been very active in the gym. If for no other reason to just get out and not dwell on it constantly. At least I'll be in better physical shape 

[tut-uncommon]

Goldy,

Thank you for your insight and kind words   

[aldred2007]

I do it all the time  :'(. And the worst thing is, I only loop the good memories. It’s so frustrating cause I can’t control my thoughts. I always think about reconciliation despite the fact that she is with someone else.This forum has been very helpful to me.

I constantly read others people’s experience and try to relate with mine’s.

That helps me keep away from the illusion of ever having a healthy relationship with her.

Sometimes I begin to think that im happy that she is with someone else and im free from the abuse I put up with for 2 years . 

[goldylamont]

well, physically i swim (laps mostly) and also like to sauna and meditate afterwards. this helped me through the worst of it and i just enjoy doing this anyway. i play a game just before i start swimming, i'll make myself jump in even though i know it's a little cold and i try to do it without warning myself or preparing myself. i think for me jumping in like this before i'm 'ready' is kind of a training to make myself act instead of think, to accept that most consequences aren't so bad from good actions, move forward despite a little discomfort. i swim hard and not for long, i do feel it helps a lot to dissipate bad energy. i used to kickbox too but i've been lazy about this lately but i highly recommend it

[goldylamont]

i was just thinking that a good analogy for reoccurring thoughts and emotions would be a roller coaster. of course the ups & downs could be described as a roller coaster, but also i see another similarity--if you're on a roller coaster and you start hating the ride, the constant ups/downs, well there's nothing you can really do to stop it, just steady yourself as much as you can without being too stiff, go with the turns as much as you can, hold on and just wait till the damn thing stops. and, it's ok to scream some too. . what i mean is, it seems like these feelings are normal and somewhat unavoidable, maybe rather than looking to stop them, in the early stages it may be good to figure out the healthiest way to navigate through them... .  

[gina louise]

 tut-uncommon,

there are certain mind tricks to help stop ruminations... .  one is very simple-once the unwanted thoughts begin-simply say aloud STOP, very firmly. once you do this a few times aloud, in the mirror, in the shower, at bedtime... .  you can simply do it MENTALLY. Really YELL at yourself mentally to STOP. sounds silly but it works.

Also-you can use REBT... .  rational emotive behavior therapy. In a nutshell... .  once those endless loops begin you DISPUTE them... .  and you TELL yourself that while those are fond memories and you prefer to be together and prefer that your gf BE with you-she is NOT, and that is out of your control. it's too bad-BUT it's not the end of the world or your life. 

It's AMAZINGLY effective. your brain processes thoughts very logically-and if you can analyze the thought before it turns INTO a feeling it can be turned off pretty simply.

CBT and REBT are discussed on this site... .  not sure where?

I bought a book for myself by Albert Ellis called Rational Living. I got the results I wanted in a very short time. Best 12 bucks I ever spent.

GL

[goldylamont]

gina thanks i've never heard of cbt or rebt i'll look into those for sure. i will look at that book also.

i've been helped tremendously by a book called The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren. I hope it's ok to post about books here. She teaches excellent techniques such as "burning contracts" and grounding yourself to deal with emotions. And what I like most is that she doesn't consider any emotion "bad" but teaches how to deal with and honor them all. Here is a description of the book:

Most of us relate to our emotions by either running from the difficult ones or clinging to the pleasant ones. Karla McLaren suggests a radical new perspective: that all of our emotions are equally important messengers, ready to assist us in acting with full awareness and integrity. With The Language of Emotions, this empathic counselor and researcher gives us a breakthrough guide toward a new and empowering relationship with our feeling states. As a practical lexicon for working with a full spectrum of emotions, The Language of Emotions explores: The latest insights about emotion from psychology and neurology and how to apply them in real life Discovering your "internal compass" to utilize your emotions responsibly--instead of over-reacting to or repressing them Emotions as the gateway to personal healing and fulfillment When we learn to speak their language, every emotion becomes a powerhouse of energy and information that reveals the perfect solution to the situation in which it arose. For anyone seeking a wiser approach to their emotions, here is a muchneeded resource for self-understanding and inner freedom.