talked to him and got told everything is my fault

[laelle]

I understand what you mean about needing a positive outlet.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

    

laelle, YOU ROCK!  You are strong and loving~none of his behavior can take that away from you.

I still think there's something in the air~~too many BPD's on edge... .  maybe it's the change in season!  LOL

In the past 2 weeks I have gone from being the "most wonderful woman on earth" to the biggest b*tch (among other colorful names) to ever live and back so many times that I'm stunned.  I don't even see how it's possible for the switch to happen that quickly!  If I didn't know that it was BPD I'd be dizzy from it.  I'm just sort of sitting back and letting him have his crazies and try not to get involved LOL

[waverider]

   

laelle, YOU ROCK!  You are strong and loving~none of his behavior can take that away from you.

I still think there's something in the air~~too many BPD's on edge... .  maybe it's the change in season!  LOL

In the past 2 weeks I have gone from being the "most wonderful woman on earth" to the biggest b*tch (among other colorful names) to ever live and back so many times that I'm stunned.  I don't even see how it's possible for the switch to happen that quickly!  If I didn't know that it was BPD I'd be dizzy from it.  I'm just sort of sitting back and letting him have his crazies and try not to get involved LOL

Do you think there is a bit of extinction burst happening here as you stand your boundaries more?

[waverider]

Defending our boundaries is more than a response in times of conflict - it's a lifestyle. Learn how to get in touch with your values, define and communicate boundaries of those values, and defend against boundary busters. ~ Skip

[laelle]

Aww, thank you Rocky, you really made my day.  

He is talking, but I need some time to think about this.  I am happy for the moment having LC.

If he was to ask at the moment, I dont know what I would say.  im pretty bitter.

[laelle]

As you may know when I told him I would help him get an apartment but not pay his rent he got really hurt and ignored me for 2 days.

He came back after I just let him go with a "im here if you need to talk", but he still blames me for hurting him.  He feels Its him who is being the bigger person.  I think that along with me wanting back on his facebook.  He totally lost it.  I am forbidden to ask to be on facebook, so I get dumped.

Its not that I had to get on his facebook,  I know the problems it caused and I am a valid part of that,  its that he dumped me without a thought and removed me from his life in 5 seconds.  Whats to keep him from doing that the next time I voice my opinion.  He considers my voicing my opinion as being a btch.  Seems like im chasing my tail.

[laelle]

Thinking back on it, most of his rages come from me placing a boundary (definition unknown to me at the time)  As I didnt realize I relented easily.

It always starts with me telling him how something wont be with me, then he ignores me, then I will say something and he jumps me and dumps me or ignores me for longer.

[laelle]

He says its me being a btch and he knew it was coming because of the stupid thing I said the other day about paying the rent and stuff.

That I just have to argue sometimes for no reason and that I cant help myself.

We have had 4 fantastic months and in 15 seconds its thrown in the garbage.  How could I ever have any peace with that?

[Rockylove]

Do you think there is a bit of extinction burst happening here as you stand your boundaries more?

(Not to change the subject or detract from laelle's feelings)  It seems that since I've not engaged in the stupid arguments or reacted to his rages, he's become more intent on trying to get me to engage.  If he wants a fight, he can find it elsewhere.  I'm not playing that game any more.  Now that I understand that it's a BPD thing and not me I have no reason to try to defend myself.  He has shouted obscenities at me from another room and a couple of times come into the room I'm in to shout at me, but I just ignore it and the next morning he's back to loving me.  I know the stress level is extremely high right now and that's causing much of this, but that will end soon and we'll likely have a lovely spring/summer and I'll gear up during the fall for a stormy winter.

Hang tough with your boundaries, laelle!  It's what makes you the strong person

[waverider]

If occasionally relent on a boundary it will make it worse, as that reinforces you will cave if pressured enough. Its called Intermittent Reinforcement.

[laelle]

If occasionally relent on a boundary it will make it worse, as that reinforces you will cave if pressured enough. Its called Intermittent Reinforcement.

My problem is finding a fairness in the boundary in between what a normal relationship would be and a relationship with a BPD given our situation.

At least at this moment, being forced to start over AGAIN, I can put down those boundaries.  We usually break up a few times when we get back together because he is unrelenting in getting back exactly what he had.  He wants to lose none of his ground and me have to gain all mine back.

I wont forget being discarded like a piece of garbage.  He lost everything right there.

[TigerEye]

Hey laelle

You know the answer to your problem, the fairness is living to your values. Where I fear you are is being caught up in a little FOG, although it may appear to be just mist!

It's a hard thing to accept that you are standing by who you are, and in that, you may have to move on from the person to whom you have invested so much time, patience and love, but you're doing this for you primarily. Don't forget that you have been discarded, but keep in mind why you've been, you're standing up for yourself - they will resist 

He's testing you to see how far you intend to take this, stand firm young lady, strength be with you.