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Author Topic: push/pull... pull/push... and jealousy?  (Read 417 times)
hellokitty4
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« on: March 16, 2013, 05:28:07 PM »

My BPD friend told me a few months ago that I should go out with my other friends. Sounds good, right? So when the opportunity came up, I went to see a movie with a friend and her friend.  Oddly enough the movie was Silver Linings!

So all along this was fine with her or so I thought. But I noticed that she wasn't asking me to see a movie with her anymore, she actually saw movies by herself. Claims that she missed me while at the movies but "it's better this way." What? So fast forward to two months later. We went to a party for our friend who I saw the movie with. Of course her friend was there and this friend said things inferring about future movies we should all see. I didn't think any of it. And I thought neither did BPD friend. Last week, we went to the Pink concert which was BPD friend's birthday present for me. We went in a group with the friend I saw a movie with and her friend. So this friend starts talking about movies again. I don't know... maybe she has nothing to talk to us about. Anyway after we both got home BPD friend starts the texting rage... .  "how many times did you see a movie with them? how many times did you go out with them?" I told her that I only went one time because it felt different and that I will only watch movies with her. It was our thing to do when the kids are in bed and the husbands are watching tv. So I get this response "well I don't want to go with you." I never thought she would say something like that to me. And of course I was very hurt. I responded, and when I thought about it, I should've not responded at all. Anyway my response was that I hope she re-reads her hurtful texts to me and I hope that she said it because she had a lot to drink. I told her that I will not even get myself to ever ask her to do anything with me because what she said will always be on my mind.

The following day, I had to re-send her texts to me on her request. She apologized and told me that it was her jealousy talking. She can't stand the friend of a friend because she was bragging. The woman was not bragging. I didn't think she was. I still have not come up to ask her to do anything with me and I don't think I can or will. Today I was planning on getting a pedi and didn't plan on telling her. She called and asked me if I wanted to go get one. I said yes that I was planning on going after my nap. She said she wanted to go with me but her schedule messed it up. So we decided to go tomorrow. THat's how it has been since last week.

I would love to be able to spend some time with her but I am not going to do the asking or planning anymore. The hurt is still here. Rejection hurts for anybody, BPD or not. And everytime I remember those words it hurts more. THe push/pull is hurtful. The minute I back off, she's right there. Like last night. Two nights in a row, I called her. On both nights she was either falling asleep or had to go to sleep or so she said. She's had a history of not picking up the phone when she doesn't want to talk to me for some stupid reason. How was I to know when she would pick up? THe person I met 4 yrs ago would pick up the phone and talk to me even for a few minutes. So last night, I didn't call. I knew she had a busy day and was tired. I sent her a text saying I know she's tired and that if she wanted me to call to let me know.  And if not, good night. The word "tired" has been overused and when she says it, I don't believe it anymore. I got a text response "I'm surprised you didn't call me tonight." With this disorder, it's very hard to know where you stand. Damned if you do and damned if you don't.

dirves me nuts!
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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2013, 10:15:45 PM »

Yes, it is crazy-making.

And trying to guess how she will react, or what you should do to keep her from going off is even more crazy-making.

You say "damned if you do, damned if you don't." That is close to the truth, but not really the point. She is disordered and upset, and doesn't have good tools for dealing with it herself. So she aims it at someone else. If she needs to do that, she will find an excuse or a reason to do it at you. It doesn't need to make any sense at all. And all you can do when she goes off at you is be prepared to leave instead of taking it from her.

The good news is that you can work on your side of things and improve the situation. Have you started to read the lessons here on this board yet? (They are in the right sidebar and a sticky post at the top)
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hellokitty4
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 112


« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2013, 10:41:14 PM »

thanks, GreyKitty. 

Yes I have read the lessons and also have read books. I know when these things happen, I should leave it be. I just started using the tools and have to keep remembering them when she gets into one of her snitfits.

"So she aims it at someone else. If she needs to do that, she will find an excuse or a reason to do it at you." And she only aims it at me. I don't think her husband is getting the same treatment.

Right now I am being idealized because she realized that I have been true to her. Sadly one little misstep on my part is enough to take me to be painted black again.

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Grey Kitty
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 7182



« Reply #3 on: March 18, 2013, 10:14:22 PM »

"So she aims it at someone else. If she needs to do that, she will find an excuse or a reason to do it at you." And she only aims it at me. I don't think her husband is getting the same treatment.

When I said "someone else" I meant she is aiming it at someone besides herself. No guarantees whether you are the only "special target" or not.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

If she really does have BPD, then I would guess that her husband has been the subject of this sort of behavior too. You may never know.

Excerpt
Right now I am being idealized because she realized that I have been true to her. Sadly one little misstep on my part is enough to take me to be painted black again.

Yes, she is likely to paint you black again. And when she does it, there will be something that she'll start going of at you over. But calling it your "misstep" is missing the point.

In my mind, I view it as the avalanche which starts when you drop a pebble. If there weren't tons and tons of unstable snow and rock for it to land on. Blaming a 1/4 ounce pebble for the whole avalanche isn't very accurate either.
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briefcase
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married 18 years, together 20 years, still living together
Posts: 2150



« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2013, 10:31:36 AM »

Drawing boundaries with BPD friends can be tricky.  And it sounds like you need more defined boundaries in this friendship.  It's really not her business how many movies you have seen with other friends, or how you spend your time with other people.  You might want to consider your boundaries about how you respond to some of these questions - do you really owe her an explanation for how you spend your time? 

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