I'm back again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone,

I have just come from the staying board as its become evident to me that I need to let go and move on from a difficult relationship with a BPD.

I am tired of fearing, being obligated and guilty in this relationship.  I am over and done.  I need help to get through the process, but I understand why I need to let it go.  If you ever need a shoulder im here.

[laelle]

Hello everyone,

I have just come from the staying board as its become evident to me that I need to let go and move on from a difficult relationship with a BPD.

I am tired of fearing, being obligated and guilty in this relationship.  I am over and done.  I need help to get through the process, but I understand why I need to let it go.  If you ever need a shoulder im here.

[Want2know]

Hello everyone,

I have just come from the staying board as its become evident to me that I need to let go and move on from a difficult relationship with a BPD.

I am tired of fearing, being obligated and guilty in this relationship.  I am over and done.  I need help to get through the process, but I understand why I need to let it go.  If you ever need a shoulder im here.

Hi Laelle... .  can you tell us a little about your situation so that we can understand what you plan on doing regarding ending your relationship?

[dharmagems]

I too wanted love and a marriage and I found it finally.  I thought I could finally rest in my life and that I'm finally ok and everything will be ok... .  Until he started to show weird sudden rages and blamed me.  Oh, I let it go,  he loved me and that's all that mattered.  Long story short,  the rages continued and the emotional roller dynamic coaster led me to call the police twice on him on varied times.  I had to face the facts, do research,  and it let me to this board.  This is was the most draining difficult thing  in my life I had to do but I let him go.  And now its just recovery time and healing time.  This is draining for nonBPDs I know,  but there is hope and recovery,  believe it.

[laelle]

Basically I have been in a long distance relationship with a BPD for about 3 years.  Originally coming here back 6 months ago at the last recycle.

As the relationship began I had some really big self esteem issues and a need to caretake.  He used and I gave those needs to create a nice situation where he needed and I gave.  He gave only enough back to keep the machine running.  He kept promising a pay off in the future for my investment in him today. (helping with his rent, etc etc)  He never asked for money, but you can pressure people into doing alot.  Terrorist tactics.

After being here for these months I dont want to be his caretaker anymore and I dont want to fuel his machine of endless need.  I want to be in a relationship where I am giving and receiving.  I dont blame him for the scenerio as we both created it, but I cant keep it up because its not enough for me.

I have learned so much here about myself.  I began to question myself and the purpose of continuing a relationship built on fantasy.  I went to him asking for something more than fantasy, and its always met with violent emails of pure hatred.  As long as I play along he is happy, when I ask that my needs be considered, I am scolded.  Ive had enough.

He has been my constant companion for a long time I love him.  Its not a healthy love, but love none the less.  I want to be able to let go and process the hurt.  I always hate this part.

[Vegasskydiver]

Basically I have been in a long distance relationship with a BPD for about 3 years.  Originally coming here back 6 months ago at the last recycle.

As the relationship began I had some really big self esteem issues and a need to caretake.  He used and I gave those needs to create a nice situation where he needed and I gave.  He gave only enough back to keep the machine running.  He kept promising a pay off in the future for my investment in him today. (helping with his rent, etc etc)  He never asked for money, but you can pressure people into doing alot.  Terrorist tactics.

After being here for these months I dont want to be his caretaker anymore and I dont want to fuel his machine of endless need.  I want to be in a relationship where I am giving and receiving.  I dont blame him for the scenerio as we both created it, but I cant keep it up because its not enough for me.

I have learned so much here about myself.  I began to question myself and the purpose of continuing a relationship built on fantasy.  I went to him asking for something more than fantasy, and its always met with violent emails of pure hatred.  As long as I play along he is happy, when I ask that my needs be considered, I am scolded.  Ive had enough.

He has been my constant companion for a long time I love him.  Its not a healthy love, but love none the less.  I want to be able to let go and process the hurt.  I always hate this part.

Laelle, ending a relationship with a partner that has BPD is so extremely painful because we have invested so much of ourselves in helping THEM, that we forget about our needs, and when we ask for our needs to be met if is often not a good outcome.  I would ask my exBPDbf to be more empathic and loving and he always took it as I was finding "faults" in his character, when in fact I was just asking him to listen.  I can only assume it is because he lacked empathy for anything that I was feeling, that he was incapable of seeing things from my point of view.  It frustrated me that no matter how nicely I said things, he would get mad.  Then that would be followed by days of the silent treatment or pouting, raging, etc.  He is 45 years old and has the emotional development of a child.  Even worse... .  I had to let him go after three years... .  three years of loving this man so intensely but never seeing the relationship progress on a mature, adult level.  Sometimes it feels like I will never have feeling that deep for anyone again.  So, I completely understand what you are going through.  It has been 60 days no contact and it hurts so bad... .  

[Want2know]

He has been my constant companion for a long time I love him.  Its not a healthy love, but love none the less.  I want to be able to let go and process the hurt.  I always hate this part.

It's good that you recognize some things about your relationship that you don't want.  It sounds like you are unsure about a final decision.  Having been through a few recycles myself, I see where you are right now.  Looking at the Lessons on the Undecided board may help you understand if you are truly done with the relationship.

[laelle]

I can definitely empathize with you dharmagems.  I understand how my decisions got me to a final resting place with this relationship.  Sometimes the hurt of letting go is less than the worth of hanging on.

Vegasskydiver - I can so relate.  I have become so intuned with his needs that I have to tune them out sometimes to allow a moment of peace for myself.  If I dont tune in, he will email me a thousand times about the same thing until I relent.  Yes, asking for a little understanding is an all out attack on their being and mostly ends with being attacked myself.  The deal breaker in this relationship is his lack of empathy.

I disagree that I am not certain the relationship is over.  Ive played my part in every which way, and in the end, its not enough for me.  It doesnt add up.

Its not about love.  If only the world were so easy.  I cant fathom the thought of living out the rest of my life not being able to have an opinion, a want or desire.  Those things mean too much to me.  Anyone who tries to deny another person those things doesnt know how to love.

Vegas, I admire you so much for your NC efforts.  I made it to 30 days back in september and I caved in for another recycle.  Im glad I did, because I was able to apply alot of the tools and understand what would be possible in the relationship.  Its not all about him, its about me too. 

Want2know- As i said I dont agree that I am not finished in this relationship.  There is no future in it.  It will be a life long strain on my health, finances, and time.  I love him, but I wont let him destroy me inside and out.  If you wish to keep me in undecided well then, there is no harm in that.  If it could make the light come on for him, I would live here.   

[benny2]

laelle, hello, I am back too. I went to the staying board a few weeks ago when he told me he wants to work this out. So far, things have not changed. I just can't take this anymore either. I know I need to leave. I have tossed the feelings around between how I feel away from him, which is miserable and being with him, which is confusing, miserable, panicing when I don't hear from him and more. I think I need to fight the loneliness and put this to rest. I can't handle the push/pull, the trust issues, never knowing where I stand. Its all just to much. I need to get comfortable with me. My kids are all gone and that has been a big issue for me, being alone. I have no family here, moving is not an option right now, so I just need to deal with my own issues.

[laelle]

Hello Benny... .  of course I remember you from the staying board. 

I heard something from one of the advisors here there other day.  I cant remember it word for word, but it goes something like

Your going to hurt either way, but one hurt will eventually end and the other will stay with you as long as you let it.

I am truly sorry that your reconciliation wasnt what you wanted it to be, but I am more than thrilled for you that you have found that value in yourself to want true and effective change.   

[benny2]

Well he just called me and wants me to come over after work tonight. I need to stay in the mind frame of not having any expectations if I continue this. The problem is I need more and I want more. I'm not getting any younger, my kids keep reminding me of that, and I have never been a patient person when I want something. Gosh, I'm even questioning if I have BPD

[laelle]

I know what you mean Benny.  After going through the recycling bin a few times I dont know which end is up.

I hope you have a lovely time tonite.