I can't make myself say it

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello all!  I've been thinking about divorcing my undiagnosed BP husband for at least 3 years.  I am finally in a place where, internally, I've made peace with the decision.  I am ready to move forward and do it.  However, I just can't speak the words to him.  I miss every opportunity I have!  I stand there, frozen!  I feel so much guilt because I know he really believes that he's in love with me and asking for a divorce is going to hurt him terribly (or at least, he will think it will).  I don't know if it's my codependent tendencies or me just not wanting to feel like a &*$#H.

Any words of advice?

I plan on addressing this with my counselor next week, but some help from people who have been through this seems like a good idea too.

Thanks so much!

[nonBPwife]

Hello all!  I've been thinking about divorcing my undiagnosed BP husband for at least 3 years.  I am finally in a place where, internally, I've made peace with the decision.  I am ready to move forward and do it.  However, I just can't speak the words to him.  I miss every opportunity I have!  I stand there, frozen!  I feel so much guilt because I know he really believes that he's in love with me and asking for a divorce is going to hurt him terribly (or at least, he will think it will).  I don't know if it's my codependent tendencies or me just not wanting to feel like a &*$#H.

Any words of advice?

I plan on addressing this with my counselor next week, but some help from people who have been through this seems like a good idea too.

Thanks so much!

[Rose Tiger]

  Hi nonBPwife,

It might be better to take care of some things prior to having a talk about divorce.  This article can help... .  

Leaving a Partner with Borderline Personality Disorder

Have you considered a place to live?  Moving valuable items to a safe place first?  That sort of thing.

[Clearmind]

I agree that first things first is to start to make a plan. Planning to leave is not a plan - can you work through this with your therapist - Rose Tiger posted a great link.

Its possible you are scared because you haven't thought of the "How" yet.

Is there any physical abuse?

One step at a time - the decision - either way - will come soon enough.

[NonBPDSpouse]

I don't know your situation, but I would recommend you establish boundaries first and stop allowing him abuse and criticize you.

It may force him to leave you first and you wont have to worry about asking him to leave.

[hithere]

Has he been officially diagnosed? Does he not threaten to leave/divorce you?  I guess if he does that would offer the easiest segue

[Vindi]

i hope your therapist can help you say the words. And yes, it will be tough... .  is there anything that is holding you back from saying the words? fear? maybe with codependency you are afraid to break his heart and move forward, i know i feel that way alot. This is a hard thing to do.

Keep posting and I hope you find the strength to get those words out!

[nonBPwife]

Thank you all for your replies.  My therapist has given me some homework and is very supportive.  My husband has not been officially diagnosed (he refuses to go to therapy or even a doctor).  There is no physical abuse (just emotional).  The article you suggested was very helpful.

He has threatened to leave before, but not in quite some time.  I think he knows that if he says it now, I'll agree with him.  He's been on his "best behavior" for the past few months, and I think he's setting himself up for martyrdom so that when I finally DO say the words, he can say, "But I've been so calm and so helpful! This doesn't make any sense!"

I do have codependency as an issue, and I hate the thought of hurting him. I think that's my biggest roadblock, aside from worrying about our kids (13S & 7D).  I have a good support network of friends and family.  I just need to feel better-prepared for the huge doo-doo-storm that will happen after I set the split in motion.

Thank you all again.

J