Finally, it's declared

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it's official now. Just broke up with my bpfbf on phone after talking for more than 2 hours on phone.

We have been arguing a lot and ended up arguing again. I told him that I can't stand this mental trauma anymore. We both try to make things work and end up hurting each other.  He said that he will walk out of my life so that I can be happy and healthy. Well this sounds like he is sacrificing so much for my happiness.

I rephrased it and told him again: We both are not in a good mental health now and need a break from each other. Focus on ourselves and our happiness first. Heal from the emotional trauma we have been causing to each other. Few reasons I listed to him for our problems are

- Take other's statements/acts personally. Assume own interpretation (at some point I gave up and began to internalize all the pain. )

- Fragile Ego that would get hurt (his)

- High expectations from the other and no tolerance for pain (his)

I would still like to be in touch with him, because he is a wonderful person. I told him so.

He listened and was very composed. Until we started talking about my sickness (I have been sick for a few months and he is upset that doctors didn't treat me right) and got furious again. Cut the phone and then wouldn't pick up my phone.

I don't know what to feel anymore. Guess, we both have been working on making this reality come true over last weeks and now it has happened. He is very upset and broken. I feel nothing.  I guess it's time I need to start focusing on myself. I am expecting a lot of drama, blames and emotional abuse.

Going through other discussion topics, I found out that I am a lonely child. A r/s between lonely child and BPD is not healthy and that's exactly what happened in my case. How do I help myself to be normal human being?

When we talk, he gets raged about some issues. I try to keep calm and validate him but that does not seem to help because he is looking for answers from me. His statements constantly put me at fault for everything wrong that happened. After some point, I give up and start feeling those strong emotions again.

[pari]

So it's official now. Just broke up with my bpfbf on phone after talking for more than 2 hours on phone.

We have been arguing a lot and ended up arguing again. I told him that I can't stand this mental trauma anymore. We both try to make things work and end up hurting each other.  He said that he will walk out of my life so that I can be happy and healthy. Well this sounds like he is sacrificing so much for my happiness.

I rephrased it and told him again: We both are not in a good mental health now and need a break from each other. Focus on ourselves and our happiness first. Heal from the emotional trauma we have been causing to each other. Few reasons I listed to him for our problems are

- Take other's statements/acts personally. Assume own interpretation (at some point I gave up and began to internalize all the pain. )

- Fragile Ego that would get hurt (his)

- High expectations from the other and no tolerance for pain (his)

I would still like to be in touch with him, because he is a wonderful person. I told him so.

He listened and was very composed. Until we started talking about my sickness (I have been sick for a few months and he is upset that doctors didn't treat me right) and got furious again. Cut the phone and then wouldn't pick up my phone.

I don't know what to feel anymore. Guess, we both have been working on making this reality come true over last weeks and now it has happened. He is very upset and broken. I feel nothing.  I guess it's time I need to start focusing on myself. I am expecting a lot of drama, blames and emotional abuse.

Going through other discussion topics, I found out that I am a lonely child. A r/s between lonely child and BPD is not healthy and that's exactly what happened in my case. How do I help myself to be normal human being?

When we talk, he gets raged about some issues. I try to keep calm and validate him but that does not seem to help because he is looking for answers from me. His statements constantly put me at fault for everything wrong that happened. After some point, I give up and start feeling those strong emotions again.

[Rose Tiger]

 

A few things... .  when you are dealing with physical illness, it could be your body trying to tell you something.  It could be the stress of this relationship is lowering your immune system.

When he brings up an old issue from the past, try saying we already talked about that and I won't discuss it anymore.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  Be firm.

When a person is disordered, any thoughts that don't align with their thinking can cause arguments.  It's best to say back what they say, "If I understand you correctly, you feel x, y, z."  "I can see where you are coming from".  It's comforting to be heard.  If he pushes to know your thoughts, "Let me think on that, I'm not sure how I feel about that."  If they don't align with his, he is going to have trouble with it, it's that whole enmeshment thing, they have a hard time with thinking of you two as unique individuals. 

With my teen, sometimes it's a struggle.  She will bring issues to me to solve for her.  I don't.  I validate, listen and then ask, what do you think you should do?  She will push, I don't know, what should I do?  I say, I'm not sure, maybe if you think on it for awhile, you'll come up with something.  She might leave in a huff but so what.  She needs to develop these skills to become an adult. 

Hope some of this helps, I know this is so stressful right now.  Relaxation exercises might be helpful, focusing on breathing or a nice bath, I love those. 

[pari]

Thanks for the support and advice Rose Tiger.

A few things... .  when you are dealing with physical illness, it could be your body trying to tell you something.  It could be the stress of this relationship is lowering your immune system.

This is a high possibility.

When he brings up an old issue from the past, try saying we already talked about that and I won't discuss it anymore.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  Be firm.

This is a great advice. It's not easy to do but still I will try to follow. It's because we both are problem solvers. Instead of validating each other we both want to help and end up in circular arguments.

I will try to handle it the way you suggest. Hope this works with your daughter.

What worries me most is that he has no support here besides me. Now that we have broken up, he has absolutely no one. It's not healthy. I know this is too much for him to handle because he just got done with his divorce, few weeks back and now his support system is gone. I want to run to go see him now, to make sure he is ok. I am afraid I will make things more difficult for him by showing up. May be he needs time. I just need to know if he Ok.

[Rose Tiger]

You're welcome!  I can hear how much you care about him and your deep concern for his well being.  Sometimes when we want to be helpful, we can be invalidating.  Not saying this is something you do, it was something I did.  My ex would have a problem and I was the every helpful fixer telling him what he should do.  I had to start biting my tongue and keeping my advice to myself.  He didn't want to hear it, he just wanted to be heard.  That's why I mentioned my daughter.  Of course I think I know the best thing she should do, .

I learned in a 12 step program that I have no business trying to fix him when I had so many issues of my own.  I learned that I needed to switch the focus onto the one person that I could change and control, myself.

Your health is very important, taking care of you is a matter of setting aside trying to fix him or make him happy and focusing on taking good care of you.

[pari]

Your advice is very valuable. Makes so much sense.

I talked to the couple counselor who suggested us to break up. She assured me that best way I can help him is by letting him go. He will be fine. He has survived 2 divorces. It would hurt him more if I am around as a friend, not as a girl friend. She suggested that I should find support for myself as I am deeply hurt by this breakup. This was reassuring but still so difficult to follow.

I am emotionally weak. I don't know how to let him go. I have so much trouble detaching myself from him. Especially because I care so much for him and we have been so close for last 1 year.

In desperation, I message him yesterday 'How are you doing?'. He replied. We talked for a bit, casual talking. We decided to meet in evening for dinner. (Gosh! It's a routine we used to follow for last 1 year, catch up after office and spend evening together. Can't think of anything else to do in evenings). We ate, talked and walked.

I told him that I am not trying to intrude in his space and also not trying to give hope for anything. I am hanging out because I like his company. He listened and nodded. He said that he also share the same feeling as mine and is not trying to impose himself on me. We talked about movies, technology, games and a bit about his fears and insecurities. It was so good to see that he is not broken as I expected and doing much better. He messaged me this morning that it was fun to have an argument free evening with me. We both agreed that we want to have good memories. We even decided to write down bad memories and burn it.

I also realize that he is not a typical BPD to manipulate me or be mean with me. He has trouble dealing with emotions. If I am stressed, he can't handle that, wants to help me and it causes arguments. He is very understand to talk to. I explained him the concept of Mirroring and project (that I learnt from the forum) that his exwife use to do and he got it in no time.

I have no experience in break ups but I find it hard to believe how can people cut off (NC) somebody has been so close, even for an year. Even though I saw him last night, it hurts so much to see that we are not together anymore. I am trying to soothe the pain by being in touch with him. I don't know if I am making things worse or better. I don't know what is the best way.

[Rose Tiger]

   It took me quite a while to detach.  It is difficult.  First off, you need tons of rest to recover from the effects of the r/s on your physical being.  Rest, light exercise, eating as well as you can.  I, too, stayed in touch with my ex.  My T advised me to stop doing 100% of the r/s and I started to back off a bit at a time.

I also joined a 12 step group, I chose celebrate recovery since it was christian based and it didn't matter what your addiction, alcohol, workaholic or in my case, love addiction.  This is a journey to your healing.  His healing is up to him, you have no control in that area.  He may follow your lead or he might not.  Right now he is your drug of choice to avoid facing your own core issues.  It's hard to go cold turkey.  The staying board on this site has great advice on improving communication with your partner and learning how to take care of yourself and develop boundaries.  Please check out those lessons.

[pari]

That's a wonderful analysis of my problem - He is my drug and I am addicted to him.  So true. Thank for Rose Tiger.

He came back to me last evening in rage. I planned to spend time with my family. He got upset because he wanted to spend evening with me. So in theory, he got mad at me because he wanted to do spend time with me and I had made other plans. And I am responsible for his anger.   Splitting black again. I got his message from last night today. First he blamed me. Then he sounded upset. And last he wrote how special I was. I still have not replied.

Now I am reaction less. May be this is what I need. That his arguments, his anger is all tantrum to get me to do things he want me to do. And when I don't do it, he gets upset. I can't stop thinking about him but now things are looking a bit clearer. That no matter how much I can try, I can't help him. It's going to make things worse.

I am reading the lessons and workshops. Honestly they are very helpful. But the more I read, more depressed I get about my situation. I also feel sad for him.

I am very happy to find this forum where I can talk about my feelings and be understood and guided. Thank you family for reading and re-directing me. Spending time with family and friends is also helpful. 

[laelle]

I have found the best medicine in dealing with my ex is not "reacting" to his dysregulation. (manipulation, rage, victim mentality)

Imagine he is putting on a show (his emotions), he needs cast members right?  An audience?  Without these the show can not go on.  If you refuse the part that he is trying to cast you in and refuse to sit around and watch the one man show, then he really has no choice but to deal with his "own" emotions.

You are a vital part of his "act", take yourself out of it and he will have to take his show elsewhere.

[Rose Tiger]

They sure know how to push buttons.  They take advantage of others that feel empathy towards them.  Isn't it something that they know how to push those buttons of those that care but they are incapable of feeling that sort of caring towards others.

One thing that helped me to not feel obligated to make it better for him was realizing that being unhappy was his happy place!  It's where he felt most comfortable.  I felt uncomfortable with his unhappiness so was always trying to cheer him up!  Oy!  Miserable being must find other miserable beings, then, is happy.  My ex felt better when I was as miserable as he was.  Then I learned how to be a 'mirror' not a 'sponge'.  Reflect back, not absorb.  It is really freeing to not take on other's angst but to validate their angst and keep your own emotions centered and grounded.

That is wonderful that you have friends and family to spend time with you.  Do not let him cajole into not seeing them.