What if she doesn't come crawling back to me?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I feel a bit embarrassed for posting this but, I know it's the safest place to express these thoughts... .  Thanks in advance.

My exBPD has a new girlfriend. It's 100% confirmed. It's only been a month since NC and already, they are "in love." I know this because, we have mutual friends on silly little Facebook.

I feel validated that I KNEW it was happening before it even happened. I feel confirmation as well. What I also feel is, it's pathetic, hilarious and kinda nasty.

Lately, my feelings are: I want all the things that happened to me, to happen to this "new" person and fast.  I want to see it all dissolve. But, what if it doesn't? What if she doesn't come crawling back to me? What if I never hear from her again? What if they stay together forever?

Why do I want her to? Why do I wish for all these bad things that I went through to happen to her current lover?

I'm not liking these thoughts at all and I realize, they are rather counter productive but, I can't seem to help myself with the "what if's."

I know I don't want to be back with my exBPD, but sadly, I know I would feel better if she contacted me.

Any thoughts?

[MakeItHappen]

Hi All,

I feel a bit embarrassed for posting this but, I know it's the safest place to express these thoughts... .  Thanks in advance.

My exBPD has a new girlfriend. It's 100% confirmed. It's only been a month since NC and already, they are "in love." I know this because, we have mutual friends on silly little Facebook.

I feel validated that I KNEW it was happening before it even happened. I feel confirmation as well. What I also feel is, it's pathetic, hilarious and kinda nasty.

Lately, my feelings are: I want all the things that happened to me, to happen to this "new" person and fast.  I want to see it all dissolve. But, what if it doesn't? What if she doesn't come crawling back to me? What if I never hear from her again? What if they stay together forever?

Why do I want her to? Why do I wish for all these bad things that I went through to happen to her current lover?

I'm not liking these thoughts at all and I realize, they are rather counter productive but, I can't seem to help myself with the "what if's."

I know I don't want to be back with my exBPD, but sadly, I know I would feel better if she contacted me.

Any thoughts?

[Want2know]

Why do I wish for all these bad things that I went through to happen to her current lover?

Because it validates that it wasn't your 'fault' that the relationship failed.  That it was her that was the 'problem' in the r/s.  The one caveat about this thinking is that it can hinder looking at what areas you may need to look at about yourself, ie. were you in a vulnerable, unhealthy state when you met up with your ex?  I was, and I think we all go through this stage.

What got me through it was that I actually felt bad for the new partner, remembering all the drama and conflict that I had to endure when I was with my ex, knowing that eventually, this new partner will endure it, too.

[healingmyheart]

I'm sure your feelings are very normal.  You fear that if indeed things work out with this new guy then the problem must be yours.  The truth of the matter is that the cycle will continue and it will only be a matter of time and indeed, the new guy will be put through the ringer just like you.  

Will she contact you later in hopes of recycling you?  Time will tell... .  lets hope she doesn't because you really don't want to go down that path, do you?  Will you have the strength to say "go away"?  

I know its hard and it totally does a number on us emotionally.  Just focus on yourself right now so you can start moving forward with your life.  

[inepted]

Lately, my feelings are: I want all the things that happened to me, to happen to this "new" person and fast.  I want to see it all dissolve. But, what if it doesn't? What if she doesn't come crawling back to me? What if I never hear from her again? What if they stay together forever?

Why do I want her to? Why do I wish for all these bad things that I went through to happen to her current lover?

I'm not liking these thoughts at all and I realize, they are rather counter productive but, I can't seem to help myself with the "what if's."

I know I don't want to be back with my exBPD, but sadly, I know I would feel better if she contacted me.

Any thoughts?

These exact thoughts go through my head quite often. As Want2know said, I have these thoughts becauseI want to validate the idea it wasn't my fault. Her whole life my exBPD never takes responsibility for anything, unless she can make it work to her advantage. It sounds petty, but I would like to have that "I told you so" moment that something was in fact her fault. 

You say you would feel better if she contacted you even though you dont want to get back together. What would you hope to accomplish if she reached out to you?

[Vindi]

this is all too new, with nc and breaking up. And yes she may or may not come crawling back... .  but do you really want her back?

Sometimes breaking up is soo hard to do, painful, as if your heart is literally being ripped out, i know the feeling. Maybe stop the focus on her and her new bf and what may or may not happen to them... .  focus on you and your wants and needs. Become stronger, love yourself more. I know this is such a painful time, but you have to remember that you are no longer together at the moment.

[Mightyhammers]

Hi All,

I feel a bit embarrassed for posting this but, I know it's the safest place to express these thoughts... .  Thanks in advance.

My exBPD has a new girlfriend. It's 100% confirmed. It's only been a month since NC and already, they are "in love." I know this because, we have mutual friends on silly little Facebook.

I feel validated that I KNEW it was happening before it even happened. I feel confirmation as well. What I also feel is, it's pathetic, hilarious and kinda nasty.

Lately, my feelings are: I want all the things that happened to me, to happen to this "new" person and fast.  I want to see it all dissolve. But, what if it doesn't? What if she doesn't come crawling back to me? What if I never hear from her again? What if they stay together forever?

Why do I want her to? Why do I wish for all these bad things that I went through to happen to her current lover?

I'm not liking these thoughts at all and I realize, they are rather counter productive but, I can't seem to help myself with the "what if's."

I know I don't want to be back with my exBPD, but sadly, I know I would feel better if she contacted me.

Any thoughts?

I can completely agree with you, She drew a line under our relationship last night saying that Ill never see her again or even hear from her ( I suspect she has BPD but I haven’t told her my thoughts about it ), its been trailing off for a few weeks now so I knew it was coming – she wouldn’t even agree to face to face talks so Ive done all I can. Anyways looking back on things Im starting to suspect that someone else is involved ( the way she has been accusing me of being unfaithful recently just adds to this ) as something doesn’t add up, so if this is the case then yes Im with you – it’s a horrible thing to imagine her with someone else right now, and the thought keeps crossing my mind of the relationship just completely caving in and her coming back to me admitting she made the wrong move, the thing is if it were to happen in the next few months or so I would probably take her back, as my mind would still be on her. I know the only thing I can do right now is try and focus on myself, but its easier said than done

[grad]

Perhaps it's pure selfishness on your part because you can't accept they will be truly be happy with someone else.  If you really loved your s/o all you'd want is for this poor damaged soul to find the happiness they deserve.  This is where I'm at, however, I feel that my uBPDexGF would be better off with me now that I've finally experienced the heartache.  Only she can heal that wound, and perhaps a select few acquaintances I know.  Anyhow, the heartache has helped me immensely with learning how to feel, empathize, and love completely.  I now understand why she was so emotional and how the triggers she had with me made her feel internally.  I'm really sad and emotionally exhausted but I wouldn't trade my internal struggle with anything.  It's making me stronger and better even though I feel a certain weakness now.

My ex knew I had never had my heart broken and even asked me in the beginning of our r/s how I would handle it... .  and at the after the split when she came over to talk about it in person she mentioned that she knew she hurt me and emphasized that she wanted to be free "and see other people", also saying that she had love for me and I was a great person.  Truth is you never know whether they will come back or not it all depends on what you have to offer this person, where they're at in life, and whether or not they respect you.  She ended up knowing me better than I knew myself... .  

[blecker]

If she doesn't come crawling back to you, thank your lucky stars or whatever Higher Power is in your life.

You won't have to start at zero again and go thorugh all the crap that surrounds the drama of splitting again.

And you won't have to post this post again.

But she probably will and if your looking for it you'll probably let her.

I know I did.

[Mightyhammers]

If she doesn't come crawling back to you, thank your lucky stars or whatever Higher Power is in your life.

You won't have to start at zero again and go thorugh all the crap that surrounds the drama of splitting again.

And you won't have to post this post again.

But she probably will and if your looking for it you'll probably let her.

I know I did.

My ex came back to me ( when we were friends only ) after 7 months, 3 months and 1 month, so yeah I expect her back at some point I just hope Im ready for it

[MakeItHappen]

You say you would feel better if she contacted you even though you dont want to get back together. What would you hope to accomplish if she reached out to you?

I hate to say it but, I'd feel a sense of control. Which, the entire time during the relationship and I guess, ever since, I've felt she's had the upper hand, the control. It doesn't sit well. In reality, I know I have the upper hand because, I'm no longer dealing with the abuse, the best thing ever.

Guess it would also be a huge sense of validation if she contacted me again.

[MakeItHappen]

this is all too new, with nc and breaking up. And yes she may or may not come crawling back... .  but do you really want her back?

Ya know, I really do NOT want her back. Since she's been out of my life, I've never been more introspective. It's very healthy.

If there is ANYTHING positive to take from this exBPD (w/NPD traits), it would be I sure know what I DO NOT want in the future.

[wanttoknowmore]

MakeItHappen,

You will be lucky if she doesnot come back and you can move on. I have lived this myth. I regret it.

IT'S THE DISEASE  WHICH ALWAYS WINS... .  you will be left heartbroken and in shambles.

Dont listen to feelings... listen to your logical brain. I wish I listened to my logical brain.

Road to BPD land is scattered with corpses of lovers who thought they could fix this disease by love.

[GreenMango]

Oh boy I love the title of this thread.

Did you two recycle a lot? 

[MakeItHappen]

Oh boy I love the title of this thread.

Did you two recycle a lot? 

Nope. Not once.  It's only been 5 weeks or so and haven't heard a word. She does have a new lover so, who knows if it will happen.

I "think" i'm ready if it does. Getting much closure from my own introspective thinking and of course, from this FANTASTIC board.

[Seb]

Your story of how she broke up with you, sounded eerily similar to mine. 

I was raged at over the phone, after looking at places for us to live on the Internet (she was the one doing this)... .  the next day it was over.  I'd heard all of the wonderful words too - love of her life, crazy about me, would never leave, would die without me - so when she was able to stand there, cold and totally devoid of emotion and tell me we were done, it was heartbreaking and devastating. I begged her to stay, to reconsider, but she was adamant it was over. There was no changing her mind - I tried - but she disappeared and cut me out of her life completely.

That was 10 months ago. This has been the hardest thing I've ever had to get through... .  and it's heartbreaking to have to face who they really are in the harsh light of day. They're not who we thought they were. I didn't want to accept it for a long time. But... .  even though its harder at first to go through the total shut out, I do believe that in the long run it does us a favour. At least we have the chance to move on sooner rather than later, and end this madness early on, nipping it in the bud, than let it drag on for years.

Ask yourself - what type of relationship do you need? Where do you see yourself in 5/10 years, and with what type of partner? Is she, as she is showing you now, capable of being that person you need and deserve? My guess is no, she's not, and neither is mine. Hard work now, just heartbreaking. But trust that on the other side of this you will be much better off for it.

[SarahinMA]

There is nothing I would love more than to hear an apology from my ex instead of continuously blaming me more things.   I was never recycled and I doubt I ever will be.  I also doubt that I will ever hear an apology.  I agree with the other posters that it's total validation on my part.  I accept my faults and still carry some shame about the way I acted- clingy and controlling (two traits I had never been in previous relationships). 

I wish to God that I never had to see him again, but unfortunately we share too many mutual friends.  I have to see him from time to time and have him pretend like he doesn't know me.  Sigh... .  

[inepted]

There is nothing I would love more than to hear an apology from my ex instead of continuously blaming me more things.   I was never recycled and I doubt I ever will be.  I also doubt that I will ever hear an apology.  I agree with the other posters that it's total validation on my part.  I accept my faults and still carry some shame about the way I acted- clingy and controlling (two traits I had never been in previous relationships). 

I wish to God that I never had to see him again, but unfortunately we share too many mutual friends.  I have to see him from time to time and have him pretend like he doesn't know me.  Sigh... .  

I can relate. I look back and I'm still not sure how it happened so gradually I didn't even notice, how I became this controlling clingy person in the relationship. I used to take pride in how independent I was.

And as much as you would think an apology from them would feel better, it really doesn't. Or at least, for me it never did. With my pwBPD, every time she would apologize over the littlest things. On occasion I would ask what she was even apologizing for, her answer was always "Everything". Somehow she always managed to make me feel guilty for whatever was going on at the time, and I would end up being the one who ultimately apologized to her. Looking back, I cant believe some of the crazy things I felt were my fault.

After a while any apology she gave was just hollow. It just became another word to me. I wonder if she ever truly felt sorry for anything she did, or if she was just saying the words because she thought thats what I wanted to hear.

[Hurt llama]

Well, if it helps, I broke up with my ex fiancee about 3 years ago and she has been in a few relationships... .  one ending so badly it was a police matter... she messed with the wrong guy and he really lost it getting revenge.

While I have real problems even now letting go of her (we got together for an intense few days last week) the one thing I can hold onto with complete certainty is that is will never be able to hold a relationship together for longer than 3 months. And three months is optimistic!

And just like you, part of me does not wish her well at all. She has put me through sheer hell.

In the end, I know that as (and if... sigh) I finally heal and move on that if I am lucky enough to find love again, eventually I won't care how she's doing and probably wish her well.

But that's not happening anytime soon.

Your feelings I think are normal and almost unavoidable.

[Mightyhammers]

There is nothing I would love more than to hear an apology from my ex instead of continuously blaming me more things.   I was never recycled and I doubt I ever will be.  I also doubt that I will ever hear an apology.  I agree with the other posters that it's total validation on my part.  I accept my faults and still carry some shame about the way I acted- clingy and controlling (two traits I had never been in previous relationships). 

I wish to God that I never had to see him again, but unfortunately we share too many mutual friends.  I have to see him from time to time and have him pretend like he doesn't know me.  Sigh... .  

I would absolutely love for her to even give me a slight apology, but even when I poured my heart out to her the other night she came back at me saying it was just me blaming her for everything? Im completely baffled by it, its like she cant even say the slightest thing good about what we had ( and believe me, it was very good in the main )

[MakeItHappen]

And just like you, part of me does not wish her well at all. She has put me through sheer hell.

In the end, I know that as (and if... sigh) I finally heal and move on that if I am lucky enough to find love again, eventually I won't care how she's doing and probably wish her well.

We WILL find love again! We WILL move on! It's a must!

Be strong!