Who will hear the plea for help?

[Whichwayisup]

Hello,

This morning I visited my GP to explain I need some therapy and support for Co-dependence and explained my situation, including that on my W's uBPD; the doctor was seemingly unaware of the nature of the illness and admitted that he wouldn't know who to refer my wife to... .    I have left with the advice that we should go to marriage counselling, which I have suggested to her as a means to get support for us both but pointed out that requires her to want to.

Now re-reading passages from "Walking on Eggshells", it refers to a situation where the person wants to know what is going, could be told; what would be the benefit if there’s no apparent specialist medical support dedicated to this condition.  I am hoping that W has now reduced her behaviours as she appears to be less and less on diverted activities.  How have others broached this apparent gap in specialist care and the need for a referral/appropriate DBT awareness.

I am now thinking if I have had such a difficult time getting therapy needs met, what chance can she possibly have from opening up... .  any advice? (as this all assumes she will still want help?)

Whichwayisup

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

I suggest you contact your local mental health hospital or facility and ask someone there for referreals.  That's what I did, and they referred me to a great T.  I also talked to my GP about my issues and he didn't really know much about BPD either. 

Good luck!

[Whichwayisup]

That's a great suggestion, thanks briefcase,

I'm trying to avoid having to regurgitate all the info. across multiple parties in order to hit the right destination.

Regards,

Whichwayisup

[Rockylove]

If you have medical insurance, they almost ALWAYS have mental health coverage, but you may have to make a few phone calls to find the information you need.  As briefcase mentioned, your local mental health facility is a good starting point, but check to see if your visits are covered by insurance as they can get costly.  Hope you're able to find someone sooner rather than later.

[Mara2]

I live in a very rural area and in order for H to get help he has to travel 2 hours to the city.  It is worth it!  Good luck.

[Whichwayisup]

Seems our ideas of getting help have been different.  I could tell her the condition but echo the advice that this would be for me rather than her.   She has told me she is due to visit the Doc again in April and will be telling him that the increased anti-depressants are fine and she is ok... . as this is the previously care plan strategy, she seems to view this as help - it's like catch 22 - she won't open up to a doc, and by not opening up she cannot be diagnosed (I think even if she didn open up she still may not be diagnosed judging with my experience of GP's).  Realisation is not there as I hoped it may have been.

[Auspicious]

I wouldn't tell her what you think she has. For one thing, you could be wrong.

Do any of her problems or behaviors bother her? Because finding help for those is much more likely to be motivating for her.

[Whichwayisup]

Thanks Auspicious,

It bothers her when she recognises she has told me in the past she is not right and fears being sectioned, knows she is unhappy and thinks that depression is the cause and as she is being treated on antidepressants is justifying to herself that is the cause, not her behaviours. 

I can now see that her behaviours and past actions have been majority BPD behaviours (and how I have enabled) - except promiscuous and suicidal tendencies.

I'm counter-acting my desire to help and fantasising that by telling her she will realise and get help. I know deep down this is not happening anytime soon no matter what I wish.

I' now questioning "who needs love like that" and thinking about living in a nice apartment that the kids can come and visit and be themselves without fear of a black cloud, while realising if she told me she wanted to work on it I would honestly try to re-engage (sad to say that I know).

My fear is really now for the kids and I am having real difficulty with the thought of the kids and her staying in the marital home I helped create, only for a few months down the line, some other victim to start taking my place and all the while, I'm paying for the mortgage - I am hurting at this thought before I have even moved out.