I tried to contact him :(

[laelle]

After talking so much about understanding I need to be out of the relationship (which I do), I did something stupid and tried to contact him.

I saw something that we were going to get together that was on sale and I contacted him about it.  I got ignored thank goodness, but it brings back the harsh reality of what issues I must have.  I wish I could hit the forward button on time and then the pain would just be gone.

He filled up such a big part of my life for so long.  Even if I can remember a thousand moments when he shushed me, didnt want to hear about my feelings, was happy in some kind of problem I had or the hate emails, being ignored for a day when he didnt like something I said, the memory of something we did together overshadows them all.

I must really be sick.  I know I dont want any other relationships now, but look at me, im a mess.  I worry I wont ever be healed.

I emailed the therapist i was seeing a few months back.  Its hard for me to get therapy here because i have to find someone who speaks english.

I have always been guilty of staying in bad relationships too long, but I have never had such a problem to let go of a situation that I can look squarely in the eye and know wont work.

[Rose Tiger]

   Been there, done that!  Felt the same way that you do right now.  Oh Laelle, this is such hard stuff to muddle through, please don't beat yourself up.  You will be healed, hang in there.  My T says, you got slimed by someone with BPD.  It takes us to such a dark deep place.  But we do dig out!  Trust me that you will get out of this valley, because so many of the past posters did get out and better.  We can too. 

[momtara]

Many of us understand.  Go easy on yourself.  It is FINE to remember the good parts of the relationship.  It's FINE to love too much.  It just means you are a good and loving person.  Who's to say how many relationships are 100 percent healthy?  Even when you know you need to move on, it's ok to reminisce.

[laelle]

  Rose Tiger,  I will have to take your word on the healing thing. It is very encouraging that you made it out.  

I wont deny I have some serious COD issues, but atm I feel looney.  He said the other day that it was me who was sick and that i couldnt help it.

Every now and then I just needed to start and fight and he didnt need that kind of stuff in his life.  Once, in 4 months I started a fight, but it was because I felt I was giving too much and not getting back enough in return.

Why does the failure of this relationship then become my fault?

[laelle]

Thank you momtara,

Emailing him felt like me giving up the willpower and self value I had to do what was best for me.  It laid the power at his feet and he isnt even around.  Now in his head he is the one who did the right thing, and I am the crazy ex.  I have been trying to soothe myself all nite about it.

 

[mssomebodynice]

Laelle, you really know this isn't true.  BPD's make us all spin around in our minds but you know that you are not the crazy one here.  Yes, you gave him the power.  They love that.  You did it, now you need to take it back.  Take back the power and dig down deep to find the strength to say you are not going to do that again because rejection is painful.  Now, walk away.  Head held high because you reached out.  Didn't you reach out throughout this whole relationship?  Yep.  It speaks volumes about who you are.  Now, take back the power and walk away.  We are all here for you.  I just did the same thing.  I don't feel as badly because I know that I have EMPATHY.  Thank God you do.  I wouldn't want to be them.  You feel NORMAL pain, because you are normal, and it is normal to feel pain over this.  I wish you well.  We are here.  We really GET it.  Hugs

[Phoenix.Rising]

I understand.  Don't beat yourself up.  It's ok.  Learn from it and move on.  We are imperfect.  This is tough stuff.  Keep your head up and keep putting one foot in front of the other.   

[kahnighit]

I don't think there's a person here in a similar situation to yours who doesn't feel lonely.  Oh, you said looney.  Now I'm projecting >.<  Well loony applies as well.

Perception is reality.  They (BPDother) use that axiom to great effect in deflecting blame.  We can use it too as in and of itself it is not necessarily an unhealthy viewpoint.

Take this power transferal you just talked about as an example.  Is sending that email really giving him power?  Over what?  Perhaps over your expectation that he'll respond.  Remove the expectation and you've recovered the power.

As far as willpower and self value goes. Everyone screws up.  It's hard not to try to anchor one self to the person we've shared such deep feelings with particularly when we feel so adrift.  So you messed up.  It's ok.  You didn't give him anything he already didn't have.  If he's anything like my ex he's already convinced himself of who's right, who's wrong, who's the victim, etc.  He's got his truth you have yours.  

Regardless of you sending that email you have sole power over every decision you make in the future.  He only has power if you relinquish it to him.

[GreenMango]

Laelle its never just one persons fault  .  Lots of us reached out looking for some rational understanding.  Maybe that meeting of two equals to talk.  In this situation he doesn't feel like its him, its you and you putting those pesky needs like financial security ahead of his whims. 

What about hanging with your girlfriends again.  They sound like fun.

Ps wanting financial security/sound money matters is a perfectly acceptable need.

[laelle]

mssomebody - thank you so much.  You are very kind.  I feel like its me with BPD.  He taught me in a way how to communicate with others.  I find myself having to unwind him from me in everything I do. Take extra steps to make sure I dont turn things around on people.  I try to think, in 6 months will what you did this evening matter?  Its just a moment in time, and its a bad moment.  I will keep these replies handy because I am sure going to need them.


Phoenix - thank you for the moral support.  There was no agreement that I could not contact him, but I am really upset with myself for doing it because what if he had responded?  What did I almost do to myself?  Have i learned nothing?

Kahnighit - Thank you.   lonely is a bad word.  It has lead me nowhere good.  I wanted him to respond, but I did not want to reconcile.  To reconcile would be to destroy me, but I still wanted to call him back into my life.  How messed up is that?  We were friends long before we became more.  (he could have just been scoping me out as a sucker for a while, I dont know)  We were really only friends with benefits under the illusion of more.  With the future pay off as having more.  The more never came, and I was tired of living the illusion.  I want a real life.  I want a person who really cares about me as a person, not as his playmate.  (although I loved being is playmate)

Ok, Im going to read back through all your replies and maybe make copies.  I need strength right now, and I cant tell you how much I appreciate your support.

[laelle]

Laelle its never just one persons fault  .  Lots of us reached out looking for some rational understanding.  Maybe that meeting of two equals to talk.  In this situation he doesn't feel like its him, its you and you putting those pesky needs like financial security ahead of his whims. 

What about hanging with your girlfriends again.  They sound like fun.

Ps wanting financial security/sound money matters is a perfectly acceptable need.

Thank you for reminding me of this GreenMango.  I feel somewhat guilty for choosing my finances over him.  Money wasnt more important than him, I just need the relationship to give and take... .  not give give give, get dumped anyway.   

[laelle]

Here is a small portion of the email that makes me feel like its me that has the problem.

ive just had enough of the insults its really getting old youve just done what I would expect from your children when you tell them they cant have something its ing ridiculous you use that insult every time you cant have your own way your pathetic and Ive had enough so congratulations on proving yourself right but that wouldnt have been the case had you just bothered to maintain the discussion like an adult. Your like a vampire that feeds on negative emotions drama, you just have to have it in your life.


he says I am the one who is crazy.  Sorry about the language.  These types of emails leave me struggling.  Is it me?

[just_think]

I was told, in no particular order:

"You are crazy"

"I feel like I'm always walking on eggshells"

"I need someone who has their ___ together"

Normal people don't blame everyone else for their behaviors, project or attack others if they are indeed "crazy". Disordered minds do. Laelle, would you feel like telling him he is crazy to his face? If you knew someone who had some sort of mental disorder (that you were not romantically involved with) that they are crazy?  Usually, it is us in denial when it comes to their behavior.  If anything, we think they aren't crazy.

[laelle]

I would never want to hurt him or anyone else for that matter by cruelly telling them that they are mentally ill.  I didnt even respond to the email I just showed you cruelly.  I wanted to, but I care about him and you dont talk like that to people that you love.

I have heard him tell someone on a BPD message board a long time ago that he considers himself a vampire that sucks the life out of people.

[mssomebodynice]

laelle,

Interesting that said he likened himself to a vampire, sucking the life out of people.  Believe him.  It is true about BPD's.  A woman wrote an article regarding this and I cannot remember her name.  She said this is what BPD's do.  She believes that our energy is attached when we fall in love with people, with a sort of imaginary umbilical cord.  She further went on to say that when we get attached to a BPD, that is literally what they do, absorb our happiness if you will.  I was feeling crazy and as I read this article I could relate to it.  I felt like he had absorbed my happiness and I had absorbed his pain, anguish and gained his insane feelings.  She said that as long as you felt this pain and stayed 'attached' to them, they would continue to take from you.  I added in my mind, that I would also continue to take from them the 'crazy making'.  She suggested you preform a ritual and 'cut the cord' with some imaginary scissors.  I didn't do that, but instead made myself aware that every time I felt pain (throughout my day) that he was still taking from me, and I from him.  I wanted my happiness back and so has begun my efforts to break that tie.  I have just recently stepped ahead because of a thread I started on here and some replies to that.  I am rereading what people here messaged me with and I am feeling the strength.  It has so far, cut my pain in half and my days are getting better.  Hmm, they say this is when the BPD will try to recycle.  I don't wonder why that is any more.  They want that positive energy back.  I say let him go take someone else's positive energy.  I don't want to be him, and do want to be me again!  I hope this helps you too.

[laelle]

I can see what you mean, maybe less colorfully, but I see it.  

I take his pain, I give him my happiness/support/love in exchange.  He gives only enough in return to keep the host... .  hosting.

This doesnt seem accurate at all moments of the day, but alot of them.

[Rose Tiger]

That email.    Rough stuff!

I find that I want to reach out to ex when I am feeling lonely and/or scared.  I have to find ways to sooth myself.  When you are giving up an unhealthy habit, you need coping things to get you through the tough patches.  For you, it might be keeping that mean email around to read when you start feeling soft towards your ex.  It might be cooking up something healthy.  Taking a walk.  A good cry.  I would come here to this site and reading posts helps.  It will be things specific to you that are calming.  Have some self soothing tools to turn for those times. 

[patientandclear]

Hi Laelle ... .   

A couple of things.

You didn't choose your finances over your relationship with him.  Having limits to how much you were going to support him financially was part of valuing your relationship.  You wanted a good, healthy relationship, not one of dependency and exploitation.  That IS choosing the relationship.  You were respecting & honoring him by expecting that he work with you on moving down the road to a viable financial dynamic between you.

Also, there's nothing wrong with reaching out to him about something nice.  You didn't give him any power by showing him you still care and you value what you had.  He knows that, to begin with, and you don't take any power by denying that.  Actually it can be the opposite.  Being able to say "I love and care for you and yet I can see that we should not be in a relationship because it is damaging" is a stronger position than "yeah, well, who are you again? do I know you?  I feel nothing for you ... .  ".  The former is a position of resolve that accommodates feelings that are in tension, where you make a choice that is painful because it is right, not because it is easy.  So please don't think that because you conveyed to him that you still care, that you gave up your power.  To the contrary.

I agree with you that it's a risk to YOU to do it because if he had responded nicely, and yet you know you need not to re-engage in the r/s, it makes it very hard to continue to detach and disengage.  But that's just a strength question for you.  You haven't in any way embarrassed yourself or given up anything to him by reaching out.  I would say more the opposite.

[just_think]

I would never want to hurt him or anyone else for that matter by cruelly telling them that they are mentally ill.

Exactly. 

It would take someone who is unstable to call someone else they care about "crazy."  When you care about someone, you accept them for who they are and try to understand them, but don't judge them.  This means you have a heart, and aren't crazy.  You likely take on too much.  

I have heard him tell someone on a BPD message board a long time ago that he considers himself a vampire that sucks the life out of people.

At my ex's christmas party, someone came up to her and said "you're looking quite vampirish today" to which she said "Thank  you! I take that as a compliment."  She also had old pictures of a narcissist friend that she had an on/off relationship where they were dressed up as vampires... .  She also made sure nothing ever had garlic in it... .  I wish I was kidding.

It's funny how we spend our childhoods being scared silly with stories about vampires and the like, mature and put it all behind us, and then grow up to find out they are actually real... .  

[laelle]

Rose Tiger -  Thanks again,  I guess I posted the letter so that someone could physically point at it and say.  "yes, this is abusive."  I think when I see that word it might change how I viewed the relationship.  Is he justified to make his statements or does that even matter?  That the abusive way he worded his letter is reason enough to end the relationship.  It is rough stuff, and at this moment, he really believes it.

  

I will work on finding a hobby.  I have been walking alot (not by choice) but it helped to keep me busy this week.  Its hard today because the kids are at their grandparents and not much for me to do.  It was time we normally spent together.  I cant even look at that venomous email.  It brings up so many of them in my head.  The dread and horror of how they make me feel.  So angry, scared, guilty and hopeless.

Patient-    Knowing him atm, his thinking on that email I sent is met with venom.  He sent me away and still I am stalking him.

Dont I have any pride?  Am I that stupid?  Maybe he will change his thinking when gets over himself, and that is the whole reason I left the relationship kindly.

For when he does realize what the reality he is left with is.  He had a partner who was there for him, helped him, played with him, loved him, understood him, wanted a future with him.  I respect him even if he doesnt respect me.  I couldnt go through another recycle.

Thank you, you really helped out with the self criticizing I have been torturing myself with over the past few hours.  

Just_think - In the relationship I was feeling like I was being leeched off of and I was trying to talk to him to set it right.  I am not saying I was being leeched off of, but that I felt like it and wanted to find a solution with him.  I couldnt continue on that path because it made me feel bitter.  I know where bitterness leads.  I tried to make him understand (yes, i know futile effort), but being such a smart guy, he amazes me with inability to grasp the concept that other people are important too. Thank you for telling me its not me.  I dont know what I am atm, but i know im better than being dumped like garbage and then pooped on. 

[patientandclear]

The nice email you sent may be being met with venom in his own mind -- just like all my loving communications are likely being met with my ex thinking I am trying to "control" him, get in the way of his bliss, make him feel like he makes bad choices, whatever.

It doesn't matter.  Here are the facts: your message was loving.  He can't take that in.  My communications were loving.  My ex can't take that in.

That situation wouldn't be made any better if we hadn't communicated, do you see what I mean?  They are who they are, this is just an example of it.  The communication from us didn't cause it to be this way.  They cannot see love clearly and they feel threats where there are no threats.  This IS true.  It doesn't just become true at the  moment it is being manifested and then subside.  It remains true, always ready to spring into effect and sabotage what's good between you.

Yes, his email is abusive.  People shouldn't have to hear such things from their "partners."  I know some on Staying tolerate it and just ignore it and realize they are just words ... . but to me, once the r/s is full of that kind of stuff, what do you have?  It's pretty toxic & corrupted.  Can you survive it?  Sure, probably, if you're clear and strong like you are.  We aren't supposed to just survive our love relationships though.

[laelle]

Patient - I see what you mean. The email mattered little as its meaning was lost anyway. Is that what you mean? I have been reading alot of the lessons here today,  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0

and its really amazing how many people are struggling with the same issues that I am.  The explanations offered really helps.  I just want the pain to be over and not feel anything.  I have the upmost respect and love for those who stay.  I was not given the choice, but I would like to believe that some of my decisions in my life led to his decision to leave, even if unconsciously.  I could never stay in a relationship where my opinions are not only unimportant and shushed, but met with venom.  It would destroy me.

[GreenMango]

Laelle sometimes leaving comes to limits.  Where two people need things from the one another the other person just can't provide.

I could never stay in a relationship where my opinions are not only unimportant and shushed, but met with venom

This is important.  It's important to know you need this.

I think a lot the acceptance that any relationship works or doesn't is looking at these types of things.  Looking if the person can actually provide what you need and you can provide what they need.

[laelle]

I imagine sometimes the two of us, if we had actually overcome all the obstacles and moved in together.  Think about how he rages and how he thinks my needs and concerns are a waste of his precious time.  Would I have even been happy?  What was it all for?

[GreenMango]

I imagine sometimes the two of us, if we had actually overcome all the obstacles and moved in together.

I used to think about that a lot too - If we just worked together etc.  That hope can really keep you going, which is a good thing and bad thing.  Good if it's tough times but there's effort there and mutuality. Not so great if it's like a hope on a rope - nothing to really prop up the hope.

Think about how he rages and how he thinks my needs and concerns are a waste of his precious time.  Would I have even been happy?  What was it all for?

These are really good questions to ask yourself.  Hard questions, but very real, very important questions.

Do you think you would have been happy with a person who has very little concern for you? (Maybe imagine what this would look like years down the road)

And-what was it all for you?  (For him - it's too hard to answer for him)

[laelle]

I wrote about three paragraphs here then deleted it because its much more simple this way.

He wanted someone to help him, listen to him and love him, and in return he gave bits and pieces when he wanted to give them.

His way or the highway.

Today is an easy day.  The more I process it, the more I get over it.  

[laelle]

It hurts to say this and to admit I was wrong, naive, gullible, but I was totally duped.

I am not saying he did it with malice, or because he wanted to use me, but does it matter?  His needs were so important to him that he would

use and manipulate me to get them filled.

I'm not innocent.  We both got something out of it.  I got the "words" I wanted so much to hear.  I got lots of attention.  I got a charismatic, funny guy to call my own.  He gave me what I wanted.  Its just not real.  I thought it was.

Cant really blame him for that.  Just need to walk away and learn from my mistake.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Yes, his email is abusive.  People shouldn't have to hear such things from their "partners."  I know some on Staying tolerate it and just ignore it and realize they are just words ... . but to me, once the r/s is full of that kind of stuff, what do you have?  It's pretty toxic & corrupted.  Can you survive it?  Sure, probably, if you're clear and strong like you are.  We aren't supposed to just survive our love relationships though.

This is very well said.  I was thinking it was abusive when I read it.  To me, abuse is something I choose not to participate in today, BPD or not.

[seeking balance]

 Its just not real.  I thought it was.

Cant really blame him for that.  Just need to walk away and learn from my mistake.

I had a hard time accepting it was "not real" - because for me it was.  What I came to realize is that it was all real - just not sustainable.

A healthy, mature relationship that is sustainable takes 2 people who are both disciplined and have the ability to truly listen without judgement.  Sustainable relationships look at love is a verb, not a fleeting emotion. 

We all do the best we can with the information we have at the time in any relationship.  We all make mistakes, it is our ability to learn and move forward that helps us grow.

Peace,

SB

[laelle]

Thank you Phoenix-  Your opinion helps me to validate how I feel about it.  When you choose to speak abusively to someone, anything you had to say, valid or not becomes a moot point.

I dont understand how someone could tell me he loves me one minute, and literally 5 minutes later speak to me like this.  I would never speak to him like this.  Ever!

Seeking Balance - Thank you, For me it was real too, and when he was around it felt normal and good.  He made things feel good, but 1+1 did not equal 2.  His words and actions did not always meet.  

So what your saying is that I love him at this moment and he ceased to love me a 11 am on March 19th?