Does no contact really help?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been broken up with my ex for three months now. I have been unable to go no contact for more than three days, and she is pretty much the same, always willing to reengage via text or email, and sometimes phone calls. Seems neither one of us can quite get over the other, and we did not have any real closure, probably since she broke up with me via text and email just a day or two after we spent a week together.

But here's the thing, no matter how well things start off with email or texts, the conversation turns bad within a few hours or a few days at most. She has moved on now, and has a friends with benefits type relationship with a man she says does not love her. That sounds sad to me, but she says it fills her needs for sex and some companionship. But she will then start a full scale inquisition on me about who I talk to or see, and if I admit anything at all, even talking to a woman friend, I get the 'You are always a cheater and I cannot trust you and that is why we're not together" speech. Pretty mind boggling from an ex who is sleeping with someone else, if you ask me.

Every conversation has the same distortions, twisting of facts, blame, some projection, and all that. And she seems to really enjoy hurting me if I show any sign of being interested in her or wanting to see her. She goes back and forth about whether she wants to see me, then puts a stake through my heart once again.

I guess I just need to stop the cycle of abuse, and go NC. I just wanted to hear from others who maybe experienced what I am now, and see how NC worked for them.

Thanks in advance! Chin up all!

[jaird]

I have been broken up with my ex for three months now. I have been unable to go no contact for more than three days, and she is pretty much the same, always willing to reengage via text or email, and sometimes phone calls. Seems neither one of us can quite get over the other, and we did not have any real closure, probably since she broke up with me via text and email just a day or two after we spent a week together.

But here's the thing, no matter how well things start off with email or texts, the conversation turns bad within a few hours or a few days at most. She has moved on now, and has a friends with benefits type relationship with a man she says does not love her. That sounds sad to me, but she says it fills her needs for sex and some companionship. But she will then start a full scale inquisition on me about who I talk to or see, and if I admit anything at all, even talking to a woman friend, I get the 'You are always a cheater and I cannot trust you and that is why we're not together" speech. Pretty mind boggling from an ex who is sleeping with someone else, if you ask me.

Every conversation has the same distortions, twisting of facts, blame, some projection, and all that. And she seems to really enjoy hurting me if I show any sign of being interested in her or wanting to see her. She goes back and forth about whether she wants to see me, then puts a stake through my heart once again.

I guess I just need to stop the cycle of abuse, and go NC. I just wanted to hear from others who maybe experienced what I am now, and see how NC worked for them.

Thanks in advance! Chin up all!

[Want2know]

It's sound like you are engaging with her on a more emotionally level than might be useful.  The way you communicate (controlled contact) makes a big difference.

I understand that it's hard to break ties with someone you love, and especially when they are a disordered person who has little control over their emotions.  So, it's going to be up to you to have some control.

What kinds of things do you say when she calls or texts?  Are they open answers... .  where the conversation has no control, or are they more closed answers?

If you have not yet read the side article on this link, or even if you have, it might be worth reading again:

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

[jaird]

I will read the article now, thanks Want2know.

I usually start out our conversations, or my response, as kind of guarded. But it's hard not for me to get somewhat emotional and remember the good times as we progress in emailing, texting or talking. I'm not sure how she has managed to shut of her feelings about me, or maybe not shut them off, but not display them. But anyway she is usually more businesslike than I am, until she is not, LOL.

I do tend to let the conversation go wherever it goes. And unfortunately she will eventually take it to either where I went wrong, or why I am no good now, or why we would never work on a day to day basis in real life. That last one I do not agree with at all, and it really makes no sense since we were always long distance, and I feel we never had a real shot.

But yes, she goes to negative things, past hurts, why we would not work, or what I am doing now, who I talk to, and how that is evidence that we would not work and I am no good. She gets very emotional to think that I will eventually move on.

[jaird]

I found the right hand column on disengaging most helpful.

[Want2know]

I found the right hand column on disengaging most helpful.

Glad to hear it!  Can you explain what you may be able to do differently the next time there is contact, or how you can control the conversation better based upon what you read?

Being business-like, on your part, may help put it in perspective.  Normally in business, the communication is cordial and respectful, but to the point.  It's about getting a transaction done and moving on to the next item of business elsewhere.

If you go into a conversation with your ex having 'no point' to it, you are most likely going to wind up somewhere you don't want to be.

[jaird]

I really don't think there will be any more conversations. My point in having a conversation is to try and get her to remember how well we got along in person, and to try and elicit and emotional response from her, and to have her see that we could work as a couple in the right setting (not long distance). I offered her this type of relationship, but she feels it would be too much pressure on her, and she feels I would abandon her someday to move back by my children. I don't think these are rational fears, but they are her fears.

At any rate, she has moved on sexually at least, and she says that even though she does not have love, she is single and has a man that respects her and they understand the limits of their relationship. That scenario is enough to help me walk away.

I know I might always miss her terribly, and she misses me too, but the situation as it is now is not of my making, and I have no control over her decisions.

[freshstart48]

Wow...

You're much tougher than I am. My exBPDgf and I broke up a week ago and we've had NC since. I'm just realizing her "issues" where BPD. We've broken up so many times that I can't take it emotionally anymore. I read somewhere that these relationships are like a drug habit and when they end (typically all the sudden) we go into withdrawal. I quit smoking in my life and there's no way I would have gotten over it if I smoked a cig every once in a while. I'm not sure what you're gaining by you continued contact?

I've been hurting for a week now but have gained some peace figuring out what's wrong with her and not taking the bs she's put me through so personally. I have no desire to see her or speak to her. I've blocked her numbers, email addresses, de-friended and blocked her on Facebook, etc... I only hope I can have the strength to stick to my guns and put her in my rear view mirror for good! I made it 30 days after she was HORRIBLE to me over xmas before I caved and went and saw her and we started again. It lasted 10 days, then another break up, another try that lasted 30 days and now HOPEFULLY, DONE!  I know I deserve MUCH better than this person and it sounds like you do as well.

[paperlung]

Wow...

You're much tougher than I am. My exBPDgf and I broke up a week ago and we've had NC since. I'm just realizing her "issues" where BPD. We've broken up so many times that I can't take it emotionally anymore. I read somewhere that these relationships are like a drug habit and when they end (typically all the sudden) we go into withdrawal. I quit smoking in my life and there's no way I would have gotten over it if I smoked a cig every once in a while. I'm not sure what you're gaining by you continued contact?

I've been hurting for a week now but have gained some peace figuring out what's wrong with her and not taking the bs she's put me through so personally. I have no desire to see her or speak to her. I've blocked her numbers, email addresses, de-friended and blocked her on Facebook, etc... I only hope I can have the strength to stick to my guns and put her in my rear view mirror for good! I made it 30 days after she was HORRIBLE to me over xmas before I caved and went and saw her and we started again. It lasted 10 days, then another break up, another try that lasted 30 days and now HOPEFULLY, DONE!  I know I deserve MUCH better than this person and it sounds like you do as well.

We're all gonna make it, brah.

[jaird]

Wow...

You're much tougher than I am. My exBPDgf and I broke up a week ago and we've had NC since. I'm just realizing her "issues" where BPD. We've broken up so many times that I can't take it emotionally anymore. I read somewhere that these relationships are like a drug habit and when they end (typically all the sudden) we go into withdrawal. I quit smoking in my life and there's no way I would have gotten over it if I smoked a cig every once in a while. I'm not sure what you're gaining by you continued contact?

I've been hurting for a week now but have gained some peace figuring out what's wrong with her and not taking the bs she's put me through so personally. I have no desire to see her or speak to her. I've blocked her numbers, email addresses, de-friended and blocked her on Facebook, etc... I only hope I can have the strength to stick to my guns and put her in my rear view mirror for good! I made it 30 days after she was HORRIBLE to me over xmas before I caved and went and saw her and we started again. It lasted 10 days, then another break up, another try that lasted 30 days and now HOPEFULLY, DONE!  I know I deserve MUCH better than this person and it sounds like you do as well.

I really haven't "gained" anything through breaking NC. It's just an illusion. She throws out a few breadcrumbs about loving me and wanting to see me, and then she drops the hammer again. She has even admitted that she wants to hurt me now, since she says I hurt her months and months ago.

If I have gained anything, it's this-I see her much better now for who she really is. She is cold and heartless and cruel. The more I broke NC, the more I saw the ugly side of her.

[freshstart48]

Wow...

You're much tougher than I am. My exBPDgf and I broke up a week ago and we've had NC since. I'm just realizing her "issues" where BPD. We've broken up so many times that I can't take it emotionally anymore. I read somewhere that these relationships are like a drug habit and when they end (typically all the sudden) we go into withdrawal. I quit smoking in my life and there's no way I would have gotten over it if I smoked a cig every once in a while. I'm not sure what you're gaining by you continued contact?

I've been hurting for a week now but have gained some peace figuring out what's wrong with her and not taking the bs she's put me through so personally. I have no desire to see her or speak to her. I've blocked her numbers, email addresses, de-friended and blocked her on Facebook, etc... I only hope I can have the strength to stick to my guns and put her in my rear view mirror for good! I made it 30 days after she was HORRIBLE to me over xmas before I caved and went and saw her and we started again. It lasted 10 days, then another break up, another try that lasted 30 days and now HOPEFULLY, DONE!  I know I deserve MUCH better than this person and it sounds like you do as well.

I really haven't "gained" anything through breaking NC. It's just an illusion. She throws out a few breadcrumbs about loving me and wanting to see me, and then she drops the hammer again. She has even admitted that she wants to hurt me now, since she says I hurt her months and months ago.

If I have gained anything, it's this-I see her much better now for who she really is. She is cold and heartless and cruel. The more I broke NC, the more I saw the ugly side of her.

Ask yourself what you're getting out of this current place your in with her? Sounds like continued hurt and suffering. Who needs that. You should NC her and move on with your healing and then find someone else. You're giving her all the power. YOU have a choice in this, you're simply not choosing it.

[jaird]

Thank you freshstart. That's what I am doing now. You're right, I got nothing out of contact but some breadcrumbs and a lot of pain. She is blocked again.

I do feel for her though. She is so messed up. How can a person live knowing that they can never have a close emotional bond with anyone because that scares them so much they run away?

[freshstart48]

Thank you freshstart. That's what I am doing now. You're right, I got nothing out of contact but some breadcrumbs and a lot of pain. She is blocked again.

I do feel for her though. She is so messed up. How can a person live knowing that they can never have a close emotional bond with anyone because that scares them so much they run away?

You and I need to focus our energies on ourselves moving on and finding happiness with someone else. I keep reminding myself I see no value in worrying about her. She certainly didn't think of me when she quickly devalued me, left and is now on a dating site. She has done this 3-4 times.

I'm asking myself very hard do I miss HER or do I miss the relationship, the companonship, the love, etc... Yes, I miss her but I miss being in the relationship more than her. This tells me I have a lot of work to do as a women shouldn't be the deciding factor of my life happiness.

[ScotisGone74]

The first two months of NC are the worst, I felt like I was going to just check myself in at hospital or something it seemed like.  But after the first couple of months NC you start to get some time to think rationally and without any manipulation through everything that has gone on in your relationship and decide if this is really what you want/need in your life in the long run.  You also will hear and see how they quickly find the next tom, dick, or harry and discover you really weren't that special to them at all, they would have settled for a blow up doll if it gave them ungarnered attention and allowed itself to be manipulated nonstop by them.   Going NC is your first step towards taking an unbiased review of your past relationship, gives you time to heal from the current damage done, stops any more damage from being inflicted upon you, and allows you time to decide/think about what YOU really need in your life in the future without being manipulated regarding what actually occurred.   Its short term pain for Long term gain. 

[nylonsquid]

Does no contact really help?

Only if you realize and believe things as they truly are and have sympathy for yourself. If you continue to give her excuses, reasons and sympathy playing to her life script of being a victim, you will play the persecutor, and you will not move on. If you go NC without true conviction of how things are and accepting them then it will be hard to move on.

After we broke up the first time, I thought love will prevail. False. Then did research and heard of BPD, I went NC. Didn't work; I sympathized with her pain and held to false beliefs of hope. I then went back enough times to see things as they were. We broke up again. I haven't heard from her and haven't contacted her for almost 2 months now. I feel pretty good about things. I realized how unhappy I was being with her. Now that I think of it, being happy with her at ANY stage was just an illusion and a part we both played. I'm very much celebrating my freedom after giving myself something I always gave her: sympathy. You should one day realize that sympathy is also a trait that you project and something you ask for yourself. Give it to yourself because I think you deserve it. You should believe so too.

NC only works when you make a decision through realization and acceptance.

[sunrising]

Very well said, nylonsquid... .

I have broken NC twice in 2+ months.  Both times, it was because I was holding onto some hope that my ex is "getting better" (She's in BPD therapy).  She may be, but not in any way that would allow us to have a healthy relationship.  I have my own issues to work on as well.  In my experience, your reference to ACCEPTANCE being key to NC is right on the money.  The first time I broke NC, it was because I hadn't accepted the relationship was over and hadn't accepted the reality that my ex and I can't have a healthy relationship.  This most recent time, I hadn't accepted... . well, the same things... .

At first, I used NC as a detachment tool out of DISCIPLINE ("made myself do it".  I'm hoping this time I'll stick to NC because I've fully accepted the reality of the situation.  I do have more of that feeling now than I did before.  

sunrising

[freshstart48]

My EXBPO-GF usually wouldn't chase me at a break up. the first 3-4, it was me going back to her after a couple of weeks. The longest I held out was almost a month before i cracked and went back to her house to try again (which we did). That last 10 days before she showed all her BPO talents. She then approached me 10 days later promising me she was in therapy, wasn't dating so she could focus on her issues, etc. We lasted another 30 days before she started devaluing me, picked a stupid fight and stormed out of my house.

What makes me really angry and I hope allows me to NEVER consider letting her back in my life is- I'd lost my 15 year job a few days after we got back together for the last time. She knew how badly it effected me and she said she was going to be there for me. She then had surgery and I took care of her, her kids, cleaned her house and babied her for 2.5 weeks. My thanks for that was her to pick that fight and end the relationship when she was just about 100% again. She's special for sure.

[krista8521]

  Hello,

My Husband and I went no contact 10 months ago with his BPD Mom, its different then a romantic relationship I know.

But life is so much easier/better with out her negative, toxic, mix to it.

She randomly sends anonymous mail, calls, emails, etc... to our home and his work.

I admit its button pushing, but we have made a commitment to never react to it.

Our T says she will fade out soon and target someone else, so all we can do is buckle up for the ride and try to make it out sane.

[jaird]

Thank you all for the insights and wise thoughts!