suddenly i'm the bad person because

[hellokitty4]

I have been trying to get my close friend BPD on the phone every night to talk just for a few minutes. Every night this past week, she was either tired, watching a show or fell asleep. Well last night I called her at 9p thinking that was early enough.  No response. I called again at 10pm. Again no response. FInally at 11pm I sent her a good night text. No response. You're probably wondering why I kept trying. Well because if I didn't call her, she would send me a text asking my why I didn't call. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  So this morning, I sent her my usual morning email. Just said I hope she's okay and just went out or fell asleep.  I got an email response saying she was in the shower at 9pm, on the phone with her mom at 10p. That she sent me a text asking me to call her back and then sent another text telling me that she was going to sleep because she never heard from me. I did not get either of these texts. Funny how my good night text went through. I responded to her email by text.  And then the tirade began... .  first she was good with it and then suddenly she said this has happened before, that my phone is selective and that she's disappointed because the issue is only with me. What? Then kept on saying that she's used to this... .  as though I have ignored her before? Is she nuts? Oh that's right, she is! I sent her a text validating her feelings. I also told her that I always want to hear from her otherwise why would I be calling her if I didn't want to talk to her? I also said that my own son didn't get my text. She's going on a trip with her family this Tuesday and I have a feeling the separation has something to do with this behaviour.  I told her I was going to contact my cellphone provider to see why this happened and get it fixed.  Suddenly she said "that feeling is just at that moment. It passes Gone!" Meanwhile I'm still reeling in anger for being accused.

I know I should not have engaged her but I am not in any mood to be accused today. I should have stopped communicating for a few hours. She's at church right now. Maybe God can enlighten her with what happened. It is so stupid sometimes I just cannot believe the fights that she starts for no reason.  When her insecurity kicks in... .  how about the nights she didn't pick up my calls for some assinine reason? I didn't go there at all. I ended the text exchange saying "okay" My provider is looking into the issue." For all I know she never sent me a text. So I'm having that checked too.

what could I have done differently? It seems after I validated her feelings she was willing to drop it. And now what? I want to spend time with her before she goes but that's probably out of the question.

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[arabella]

Meanwhile I'm still reeling in anger for being accused.

I know I should not have engaged her but I am not in any mood to be accused today. I should have stopped communicating for a few hours. She's at church right now. Maybe God can enlighten her with what happened. It is so stupid sometimes I just cannot believe the fights that she starts for no reason.  When her insecurity kicks in... .  how about the nights she didn't pick up my calls for some assinine reason? I didn't go there at all. I ended the text exchange saying "okay" My provider is looking into the issue." For all I know she never sent me a text. So I'm having that checked too.

what could I have done differently? It seems after I validated her feelings she was willing to drop it. And now what? I want to spend time with her before she goes but that's probably out of the question.

You've already answered your own question: don't engage and stop communicating until things are calmer, validate and move on. Aside from that, you need to stop JADEing. What difference does it make if she really sent those texts or not (aside from ensuring you don't have a problem with your carrier)? Confronting her will just create a bigger problem and she isn't going to accept your truth anyway. There is no point.

If you choose to be in a r/s with a pwBPD then you need to radically accept that their behaviour isn't normal. That she will do and say things that are upsetting. It is your choice whether to actually BE upset or to just move on and realize that it's just the way things are. Detach. Accept that she is the way she is.

[motherof1yearold]

my BPD ex husband does the exact same thing... . won't reply to any calls or texts about the child then accuses me of never answering my phone. It is just classic projection .

[hellokitty4]

You've already answered your own question: don't engage and stop communicating until things are calmer, validate and move on. Aside from that, you need to stop JADEing. What difference does it make if she really sent those texts or not (aside from ensuring you don't have a problem with your carrier)? Confronting her will just create a bigger problem and she isn't going to accept your truth anyway. There is no point.

If you choose to be in a r/s with a pwBPD then you need to radically accept that their behaviour isn't normal. That she will do and say things that are upsetting. It is your choice whether to actually BE upset or to just move on and realize that it's just the way things are. Detach. Accept that she is the way she is.

Thank you, arabella. So if I move on, does  that mean she won't feel ignored? This was the whole issue... . she thought I was ignoring her.  I realize her behavior is not normal.  A normal person would have just shrugged it off, understood, and blamed the carrier. A normal person would have just picked up the phone to call me once she thought of maybe I wasn't getting her texts.  She has done that before... . sent me an email or FB message to ask me if I was receiving her texts. I guess I was upset because we were doing so well and suddenly this. She eventually contacted me and acted like nothing happened... back to normal. She did say she forgot her phone at home. Hard to believe but I can accept that.

[arabella]

Suddenly she said "that feeling is just at that moment. It passes Gone!" Meanwhile I'm still reeling in anger for being accused.

So this here ^ is the disconnect. She explodes, gets validated, and the moment for her is "gone". So let it be. Yes, it is ridiculous that she accuses you and then expects you to just shrug it off - but she's got a mental disorder and so that's what you're going to have to do. She hasn't been ignored, you validated her feelings and now she feels better. Now it's time for you to feel better too. Remember, her reality is not your reality. She may fully believe things that simply aren't true - no point in arguing, you have your own truth and trying to get her to agree is just crazy-making (for both of you) and completely futile. Is it more important for you to be right or to have her friendship? Because you can't always have both, that's just the way it is when dealing with a pwBPD.

[hellokitty4]

Suddenly she said "that feeling is just at that moment. It passes Gone!" Meanwhile I'm still reeling in anger for being accused.

So this here ^ is the disconnect. She explodes, gets validated, and the moment for her is "gone". So let it be. Yes, it is ridiculous that she accuses you and then expects you to just shrug it off - but she's got a mental disorder and so that's what you're going to have to do. She hasn't been ignored, you validated her feelings and now she feels better. Now it's time for you to feel better too. Remember, her reality is not your reality. She may fully believe things that simply aren't true - no point in arguing, you have your own truth and trying to get her to agree is just crazy-making (for both of you) and completely futile. Is it more important for you to be right or to have her friendship? Because you can't always have both, that's just the way it is when dealing with a pwBPD.

Thanks again, arabella.  And yes I let it go. I'm glad validation truly works because many times her little tantrums don't get bigger after I've validated her feelings. Today was just a tough day for me and i was a bit reactive than usual.

[Randi Kreger]

I have been trying to get my close friend BPD on the phone every night to talk just for a few minutes. Every night this past week, she was either tired, watching a show or fell asleep. Well last night I called her at 9p thinking that was early enough.  No response. I called again at 10pm. Again no response. FInally at 11pm I sent her a good night text. No response. You're probably wondering why I kept trying. Well because if I didn't call her, she would send me a text asking my why I didn't call. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.  So this morning, I sent her my usual morning email. Just said I hope she's okay and just went out or fell asleep.  I got an email response saying she was in the shower at 9pm, on the phone with her mom at 10p. That she sent me a text asking me to call her back and then sent another text telling me that she was going to sleep because she never heard from me. I did not get either of these texts. Funny how my good night text went through. I responded to her email by text.  And then the tirade began... .  first she was good with it and then suddenly she said this has happened before, that my phone is selective and that she's disappointed because the issue is only with me. What? Then kept on saying that she's used to this... .  as though I have ignored her before? Is she nuts? Oh that's right, she is! I sent her a text validating her feelings. I also told her that I always want to hear from her otherwise why would I be calling her if I didn't want to talk to her? I also said that my own son didn't get my text. She's going on a trip with her family this Tuesday and I have a feeling the separation has something to do with this behaviour.  I told her I was going to contact my cellphone provider to see why this happened and get it fixed.  Suddenly she said "that feeling is just at that moment. It passes Gone!" Meanwhile I'm still reeling in anger for being accused.I know I should not have engaged her but I am not in any mood to be accused today. I should have stopped communicating for a few hours. She's at church right now. Maybe God can enlighten her with what happened. It is so stupid sometimes I just cannot believe the fights that she starts for no reason.  When her insecurity kicks in... .  how about the nights she didn't pick up my calls for some assinine reason? I didn't go there at all. I ended the text exchange saying "okay" My provider is looking into the issue." For all I know she never sent me a text. So I'm having that checked too.what could I have done differently? It seems after I validated her feelings she was willing to drop it. And now what? I want to spend time with her before she goes but that's probably out of the question.

Sounds like she is putting you in no-win situations. This is her way of coping with life.What are you getting out of this friendship? Sometimes we have holes left from our original family we seek to fill with other people who seem to need us as much as we do. I did that once. Twice with the same person. When her hole got filled by a new husband--twice)pun NOT indended) she decided I was like a special needs child. I deleted her email and felt kind of ashamed that I had needed a friendship like that so bad I was willing to overlook some major flags. It happens to the best of us. So what do you need that makes the pain worthwhile?

[hellokitty4]

Funny you should mention this, Randi. My close friend is like my younger sister who has bipolar disorder. She lives in Nevada while I live in IL. I think maybe it's my way of getting close to my own sister?  What do I get from this friendship? This question has been asked two times in two days by two different people. I get what "normal" friendships have love, companionship, laughter, caring... only with the BPD it is a bit more shaky. The situation has improved a lot. I don't know if she is in therapy but in the last few months her behavior has improved. She avoids situations when she knows she's going to rage.  Most of the time she is rational and sensible. I don't know maybe because I went to therapy and learned to better understand and communicate and not be overly reactive the little snitfits don't get bigger.

My service provider for cell service admitted that there was a glitch in their system. And another friend of mine informed me that she sent me a text but apparently I didn't get it. BPDfriend now knows that I wasn't ignoring her, I just couldn't respond because I didn't receive her text.

As I've said she is leaving for vacation today. I sent her an email this morning letting her know that she can feel free to contact me by text or by phone call. I will keep my contact with her at a minimum so she can enjoy her vacation with her family. And told her I will see her / talk to her when she gets back. Since that email she has texted me a few times... . one of them asking me where I was.