Unfortunate development

[waverider]

When I first came here times were dark indeed, and I, like many others, was at the end of my tether with despair. Thanks to the help of the folks here I have changed my whole view and approach to handling my RS, and as a reward have made real positive strides. The extremities of alcoholism, medication addictions and overdoses. Extremes of denial, abuse projections and destructive tantrums. Most of these are are now behind us. Now that I have stopped adding fuel to these has resulted in making most of them redundant in as far as providing a way of dealing with BPD issues.

My partner has now come to accept most of these BPD issues as her issues, and rarely acts them out on me or the kids. She has started seeking proper support groups and life skills therapies and started to take a pride in herself once again. Exercising and not sitting around in her dressing gown all day, and generally helping out proactively more often. Our RS has been getting stronger and better. Her BPD and associated thoughts are the same as before, but greater awareness and  general fear of imminent conflict has taken her off the auto all out defensive fight mode. Triggers cause manageable ripples rather than instant explosions.

Of course this is all still new, and her sense of self is still very fragile. Which brings us to last friday, a follow up appointment with the breast clinic. This was delayed 2 months due to 2 missed appointments as a result of  being in residential alcohol detox and hospital for ODs etc.

Result, breast cancer she needs a mastectomy, whole breast removed, then Kemo and further tests to see if it has spread any further, this happens 10/4 or even earlier if they can fit it in. Needless to say we are both in shock and having to come to terms with this. She is a large busted lady (50yrs old) so this is going to have a huge physical impact. There are many things to come to terms with here. It is going to make or break her. It could bring out the battler in her and focus her in a positive way, or it could totally destroy her sense of self, and her big plans.

I know many women have been through this, who I guess learn to adapt to it. If anyone has experiences with a pwBPD who has under gone something like this I would be interested to here your experiences.

I still can't get all the if only's out of my mind, particularly about the missed appointments due to alcohol and ODs,then  this then would have been discovered 2 months earlier, it may not have been so big and may not have resulted in a mastectomy.

There is much to get our heads around, as if there wasn't already. So if I am a bit distracted for a while this is why.

I can say one thing though, thanks to what I have learned here my role as carer and support will be far more effective than it would otherwise have been

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[123Phoebe]

Wave, I'm really sorry to hear this :'(

[Surnia]

Wave,

I am really sorry! 

What a tough turn your life are taking now... . for both of you.

I cannot give any practical advise. The only thing I can say: I would have the same thoughts like you about the delay. Unfortunately this cannot be undone.

Sending you strength and 

[Want2know]

Waverider... . positive vibes being sent your way! 

I am 48 and have had a few good friends my age go through the same thing.  Thankfully, they all have gone well, and have had good help to get through the tough times.  None had BPD, though, so I can see your concern.

I know it's hard to not think about the what ifs.  That's where you have to say 'it is what it is' and take it one day at a time.

You have been through some very difficult things in life, and although here is one more challenge, you certainly have what it takes to get through this.  Keep us posted on how you and your wife are doing, when you can.

[laelle]

Waverider,

I havent had any experience in this, but I wanted to say that I am sad to hear about your wife's illness.  I wish all the best for the both of you. 

[seeking balance]

Waverider,

I am sorry you and your wife have to go through this - sending extra prayers your way.

 

I have been involved with the 3 Day Komen walk for a few years now, just know there is a ton of support for your entire family out there.  I will be doing the walk again this summer and will make note of Mrs. Waverider for our team support.

Peace,

SB

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, this is a defining point, really care for your boundaries. Do not let yourself get rundown. I have been through this with many of my immediately family.

Please take care.

[Mara2]

I'm so sorry to hear this.  As you have told me- don't forget to take care of yourself while caring for her.  Our prayers are with you.

[waverider]

Thanks for the kind words of support, I am glad I have a place like this to give me strength and more than a few skills to deal with this so I can better support my partner.

Pre op appointment today, so that will focus it as being more real

[Phoenix.Rising]

Waverider,  I'm sending positive support your way.  I do not have personal experience in this aside from being with my grandmother when she was suffering with cancer.  Just let your partner know you care. 

I've always been interested in what you have to say, and I see great strength in you.  It takes a rare breed to stick through the thick and thin w/a pwBPD.  Your hard work and determination really shines through.  All I can say is keep taking care of yourself first, otherwise you are of no use to her.  It's obvious that the changes you've made have affected your relationship in a positive way.

Wishing you and your partner the best.

[Grey Kitty]

Waverider, I'm hoping for the best for you and your wife.

Here is an amazing book about one woman's fight with Breast Cancer. It is a happy ending story, and one with an earlier catch, and the author is younger, and likely has a very different life than Mrs. Waverider. (No mastectomy in this story) I don't know if it would encourage or discourage your wife given the differences. (If she likes shoes, that is a plus!)

www.amazon.com/Cancer-Vixen-A-True-Story/dp/037571474X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1364255715&sr=8-1&keywords=cancer+vixen

[Cardinals in Flight]

Sending you all good thoughts and prayers!

My very best friend underwent surgery last week for bilateral mastectomy and as it is part of BOTH of our careers it was especially staggering.

I'm hoping sincerely that the fighter comes out in your wife, the journey is tough, but it can be done!

Big hugs!

CiF

[Blazing Star]

Oh Wave     

It could bring out the battler in her and focus her in a positive way, or it could totally destroy her sense of self, and her big plans.

I hope it does the former. We haven't had any major health issues, but my partner has been through a couple of motorcycle accidents (one a little too close to death). My observation is that on the surface it can give him something else to victim about, but underneath it stirs him up and does bring out his battler. It is like it cuts through the BPD.

I hope it does for your partner.

Look after You.

Love Blazing Star

[doubleAries]

waverider, i am sorry to hear this.

I know 2 other women right now who also have advanced breast cancer. Both have mental illness issues--1 is schizophrenic, the other bipolar. I understand the "if only's"--My friend with schizophrenia totally ignored the oozing from her breast for months. She was also off her medications. Finally had to go to the emergency room in an ambulance, and when the doctor told her what the problem was, she flipped out and ran from the hospital. Went back a month or so later. She is now stage 4. She's taking an antibiotic for a staff infection and something to decrease her estrogen levels. I talked to her a couple of days ago, and even though she is back on her medication (for schizophrenia), she is still delusional and thinks the antibiotic is a cure for her breast cancer. She was happy and upbeat and told me "I'm going to beat this!" but in reality, she is definitely NOT going to beat it. It has spread all over her body--she's stage 4. All i could tell her is "that's good news _____, I'm so glad to hear that".

The bipolar friend is not doing well at all with it.

The only thing I can think to tell you is that while this is scary for you, it's a lot more scary for her. Don't try to take those feelings away. Don't say "don't be scared... . " If ever there is a time for exaggerated emotions to be appropriate, it's now. Allow her to feel it. If it gets way out of control, perhaps you can talk with her and try to "schedule" (as stupid as that sounds) time for intense emotions.

I don't know... . just thinking out loud. I wish you both some peace here and there.

doubleAries

[waverider]

The only thing I can think to tell you is that while this is scary for you, it's a lot more scary for her. Don't try to take those feelings away. Don't say "don't be scared... . " If ever there is a time for exaggerated emotions to be appropriate, it's now. Allow her to feel it. If it gets way out of control, perhaps you can talk with her and try to "schedule" (as stupid as that sounds) time for intense emotions.

I have thought along those lines, and it is an issue were the projection channels are left wide open, she can project her thoughts onto me all she likes. This is not her "baggage" to hold, it is ours. If she chooses to block much of it and leave the worry to me thats fine.

Current issue she is having is that anesthetist wants her off most of her psych meds before operation, thats causing a fair amount of stress. Will have to talk that one through carefully.

[heartandwhole]

Waverider,

I wish I had some advice for you, but I haven't experienced anything like that.  You are one strong man, I marvel at what you are able to handle.  Just lending support and prayers to you both for a peaceful treatment and good outcome. 

[Suzn]

I'm so sorry to hear about this too Wave.   My thoughts are with you and your wife. I know we have amazing medical solutions today, still, it must be scary for you both. We're here for you buddy.   

[Cumulus]

I too send kind thoughts to you and your family and especially your wife. The healthy partner in a relationship where one is ill can become the forgotten person. In the acute stages of the illness it is about the person who is actually dealing with the illness. Almost always though there is that someone standing behind, being the strength, assuming more responsibilities and helping the rest of the family deal with the gut wrenching emotions that follow a diagnosis like this. I hope you have a wonderful support person there for you.

[ScarletOlive]

Very sorry to hear this, Waverider.   

[Weird Fishes]

Hoping for the best for both of you, Waverider. 

[AnotherPhoenix]

 

I'm sorry to hear all of this Waverider! I'm sending you all the support that I can.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

AnotherPheonix 

[waverider]

Thanks guys.

Holding up well so far, now has to go on a reduction regime to rid her of half her psych tabs. That's causing a bit of anxiety as she has used them as a mental prop for a long time. It will be good to get rid of a lot of them though in the long run

[tailspin]

waverider 

There is life after breast cancer.  I was diagnosed in 2000 and had a double mastectomy and 6 months of chemo.  It is a difficult time for sure but having someone next to you who both loves and cares about you is more than half the battle.  Stay strong for her because your wife will need your strength as she battles this disease.  Sometimes just being there to hold her hand will be enough but mostly it will be your kindness and warm hugs that will help her get past this. 

I wish for her a full recovery and I wish for you the patience and understanding you will need on this journey.

tailspin

[LetItBe]

I'm so sorry to hear this, waverider.  You are a strong, loving husband, and she is lucky to have you by her side.  Wishing you both peace and healing. 

[waverider]

Mentally wheels are starting to fall off, stress over this and realization cancer is fairly advanced. having to stop smoking, & coming off 4 scripts(valium,amilsulpride, lamatrogine,naltrexone), all at a time of maximum stress.

Now a full week since diag and not a single member of her family has been round to offer support. Her mum can fit her in for half an hour if we meet in town at a coffee shop, yeh great place for a heart pouring convo, her son can fit us in if we go over there next tuesday afternoon. Her mum had a mastectomy so should know better. Brother doesn't want to talk about it as its too gloomy, but wants to talk about his new two girlfriends instead. 2 sisters are more concerned about the implications for them now having 2 family members with breast cancer.

So its just me (and you guys for me)

Feeling a bit bitter and angry at the moment

[Suzn]

Bless your hearts. Are your parents or family around for support hun?

We're here for you 

[waverider]

Bless your hearts. Are your parents or family around for support hun?

We're here for you 

I have a brother here in Aus whos pretty solid, he's away on vacation at moment, but we're catching as soon as he gets back. The rest of my family is back in the UK

[Phoenix.Rising]

That is a difficult situation.  I'm sorry her family is not more involved.  I'm thinking of mindfulness and deep breathing, and taking it a day at a time.  Peace to you. 

[yeeter]

I'm just seeing this wave, and sending some strong, warm good luck vibes your way.

Look at how far you have come since joining this site.  Think about your newfound skills and perspectives and use these to give you the CONFIDENCE that you will handle what life throws your way, and come out the other side better and stronger.  Even if you are knee deep in it at the moment.



This is a 'support' forum.  Use it.  So many here that are happy to help in any small way we can

[waverider]

Look at how far you have come since joining this site.  Think about your new found skills and perspectives and use these to give you the CONFIDENCE that you will handle what life throws your way, and come out the other side better and stronger.  Even if you are knee deep in it at the moment.

This is so true, the proof is in the pudding so to speak. It is being well tested both by the illness itself and the BPD causing all sorts of coping issues within my partner. I am learning a lot very quickly about the both of us. Particularly about how petty some issues in the past really were.