Will Anxiety cause this Devaluation Problem with My BPD?

[memorylane]

I know that my BPD has been trying to say the least to behave in a way that is a lot less destructive of late to us both as Ive watched him grow and mature a little more along the way of getting proffessional help, although he hasnt been for some time.

BPD hasnt had employment for some time now ,and in my opinion could have be the rest we have both needed, although not in a financial sense. Currently on a smooth rollercoaster and now looking for something suitable with low stress, Im scared to add fuel to the fire., so am hoping to get an insight into others opinions on the best way to handle this current situation.

When I leave the house, and sometimes when Im home, he gets up to all kinds of things , that many couples have to deal with, not just those with BPD partners.  The computer webcam becomes his companion, viewing content that is best left for those who are single, and not in a committed relationship.  :)ont get me wrong Im not a total prude, I realise there are those with needs, and when they are not met they need assistance occassionaly, however this is not the case with our relationship.   BPD knows this is hurting me. He  openely tell me, admits it, sometimes hides it, depending on his mood, and on occassions will do this in front of me, even just for a reaction., He talks about other women, sexually continuously (which is to make me react I think).

Ive tried everything I know other then leaving, and this is something I just dont want to do.  He has told me he does this, for no other reason then looking, (difficult to believe) and that he knows its a problem, and yet seeks no help for it, as obviously it is enjoyable to him.

Impulse control, is lacking, emotional maturity, and even some narcissistic tendacies I feel. Is this something that many BPD partners do, He isnt sexually active with anyone other then me, I know this for certain, allthough Im unsure if its only a matter of time .  Ive been his only partner, so I cant help think this could be the reason, or is stress causing him to turn to people he knows nothing about .   (he was doing this for years before we met) so could now be a compulsive addiction.

Im angry, confused, and hurt over this,Ive backed off, pretending it doesnt happen, but cant.  Ive contronted the issue, only to be told he will try to stop it., and ive even explained that it is slowly destroying what we have worked so hard to have , any other suggestions other then leaving, I feel as though Im becoming a wall flower wilting in the back growd, to afraid to open up.  Stunted growth scared of the repercussions of BPDs reactive behaviour.

Im not ugly, but am slowly begining to devalue myself, I try to tell my self this is his problem, not mine, but it is not the easiest feat when all of a sudden the man you love is telling you are beautiful, I love you and then turning to a computer webcam for extra curricular activities.

Any suggestions, and have others been through this or similar with their BPDS.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

I feel as though Im becoming a wall flower wilting in the back growd, to afraid to open up.  Stunted growth scared of the repercussions of BPDs reactive behaviour. Im not ugly, but am slowly begining to devalue myself, I try to tell my self this is his problem, not mine, but it is not the easiest feat when all of a sudden the man you love is telling you are beautiful, I love you and then turning to a computer webcam for extra curricular activities.  Any suggestions, and have others been through this or similar with their BPDS.

  I understand what you are feeling.  My fiance downloads dozens of pictures of women (thankfully no webcam or I'd wring is ever-loving neck  )  We've discussed it.  It really did make me feel badly~~I'm 53, not 23 and I'll never look like those women.  I felt like I had to compete and there was no way for me to win over a photo-shopped 20 year old!  He's told me that he only thinks of me when we're intimate and I really do believe him.  He still downloads the pictures, and it still stings.  I know guys are visual creatures and they all look.  I'm ok with that to a degree... . it doesn't disrupt our intimacy. 

I'm the type of person who wants to understand the "why" in everything so I can obsess over something with little or no good explanation.  I've a theory about the porn now, and it's totally something that is to ease my own mind.  I believe it may have to do with not having to reveal himself as flawed to these women... . he can have intimacy without fear.  They will never abandon him.  They will never hurt him.  They are there when he wants them, needs them always willing to be there silently waiting for him.  They can't say or do anything threatening to his fragile ego. 

Anyway... . I could be way off base on this theory, but at least it's a logical explanation that keeps me from feeling the need to compete with them so I'm going with it.

[wanttoknowmore]

This behavior of putting you down stems from their own low self esteem and their insecurity.

pwBPD give too much importance to physical beauty(thus their quest for thin ness /eating disorders)

When they try to compare you with much younger women,basically they are trying to attock your self esttem and bring you down... . WHY? because if you start believing you are not OK, then your chances of abandoning them gets lower .This reassures them and lowers their fear of abandonment.

They also like to chose partners who have some flaws and faults to feel more secured about them not leaving them.

[memorylane]

wow, ive often thought about these reasons and botg answers have really good insight, sadly it doesnt help with my own self esteem. I find rhe hardest part is not succumbing to some form of revenge. Thankfully this isnt me.If i can accept the reasons then maybe I can keep looking the other way, trouble is how long will it take before I cant see reason anymore. Do BPD partners put walls up just the same , and if so can they stay up or will one day will it have to tumble over .

[waverider]

This is not really a BPD problem, though the lower levels of empathy and increased ability to compartmentalize makes them feels less guilty about it or realize how inappropriate it is. The Porn industry is not build on the back of pwBPD.!

This is not about you, you are not being compared in his eyes. Most men would understand how you may feel that way though and either refrain or at least not openly do this. A pwBPD simply thinks of it as his stuff, which he sees has nothing to do with you and hence you are intruding on his space by complaining.

It is more a case of being inconsiderate, and yes it can become an addictive fantasy escapism much like any regular drug.

[Rockylove]

Do BPD partners put walls up just the same , and if so can they stay up or will one day will it have to tumble over .

To some extent, I suppose we put up walls, but of course setting up firm boundaries are a better option~creating walls ultimately impede our ability to connect intimately.  If you're very upset by the porn thing, but it doesn't interfere with your intimacy your boundary might be looser (I don't like this behavior so please be discrete) and if it DOES interfere with your intimacy you make a firmer boundary (this is effecting our relationship to the point where we are not experiencing intimacy and I will not be in a relationship where this is happening).  At that point you have to be willing to let the relationship go though.  It's up to you to determine what you are willing to accept in your relationships.  The beauty is that we always have choices.

[waverider]

Boundaries are not set by what is right or wrong, or what is fair or unfair. It is the bottom line that makes your RS into something that is destructive to you at the core. They are used hand in hand with Acceptance. That changeover point is different for everyone. Some people can accept things that would make other peoples skin crawl.

Add to this consideration that boundaries are hard to defend so the more basic to your core beliefs they are the better, and the easier you will be able to stand by them. Try to avoid making them about things that you would just prefer not to happen but rathewr about things that make you utterly resentful and miserable