How to assert boundaries re: screaming

[000111]

Hi All,

Thanks for all of your wonderful support in the past, I've posted here a couple of times before and felt very understood and validated. So nice to have others who can understand the dynamics of an (assumed) uBPD individual.

I'm hoping for some more advice if possible. I've been essentially estranged from extended family gatherings for a while, and trying to work out how to get back in, but feel comfortable and actually enjoy being there.

I'm very lucky compared to people who have to deal with BPD behaviours of a parent, child or spouse on an ongoing basis. I acknowledge that I've got it easy compared to many on these forums. I'm sorry that so many of you have to deal with crazy self-centred behaviour on a regular basis.

My sister-in-law is assumedly uBPD. Always on show, superficially sweet and nice, but has no clue about my life and no understanding of who I am.

I received a rage attack a while ago, and haven't really been to any family events since. I've been waiting for an apology (foolishly), and she's got part way there, but never truly apologised or taken any responsibility for her behaviour, or given any assurance that it wouldn't happen again.

I feel fairly safe that she's either going to be superficially sweet and nice, or ignore me, or probably a bit of both. She's not going to rage at me in front of the rest of the family (last time was literally behind closed doors).

However I don't feel comfortable seeing her without setting a boundary re: screaming. I'm hoping to write a letter that's pleasant, but has a section in it such as: "for us to have a positive relationship, it needs to be understood that it's not ok to scream at me. If this occurs in the future I will be leaving the area immediately" or something like that.

I'll try to use SET techniques, however I've had VLC for over a year, so I don't know how this will go over.

I guess my question is, how do you set boundaries re: screaming? (I'm only comfortable doing this via letter/email too). I assume it'll be triggering for her, but I don't feel that I can attend family events without this particular boundary being heard and understood.

Hope you can help!

Cheers

000111

[AbbyNormal]

 

There's an article that was suggested to me that would probably help. Here it is: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm

It will literally give you a script for setting boundaries. It's helpful. The tough part is sticking to the follow through (taking care of you) if the other party ignores your boundaries.

Hope it helps and good luck!

[000111]

Thanks AbbyNormal,

I'm surprised there isn't a sample letter or something that you can tweak to your own situation. I found some in the book Setting Boundaries with Difficult People. Whether that would work for people with BPD, I don't know.

Has anyone had any success with setting boundaries for screaming? Either in person or via letter?


www.amazon.com/Setting-Boundaries%C2%AE-Difficult-People-Relationships/dp/0736926968/

[ScarletOlive]

Hey there 000111,

Mm, yes, I hear you. Screaming is tough to handle and brings up those fight or flight emotions. The article suggested by AbbyNormal is quite good. I'm not sure if you saw the BOUNDARIES: Living Our Values workshop. It's really helpful, and there's success stories in it!

When I'm on the phone with my mom or near her, and she resorts to screaming to get her point across, I calmly say, "I understand you're upset. That sounds very frustrating, and if you continue screaming I will hang up/walk away." Then if she does, I walk away and protect myself. If she stops screaming, mission accomplished.

What seems to trigger screaming matches with your SIL? Maybe you could try writing a script on here and seeing how you like it.

[Louise7777]

Hey 000111!

I dont think writing a letter/ email works. These people "work" in another level, its no use trying to show your feelings like that (they are completely self-centered). Once she gets triggered, she will yell and wont remember your letter at all. At least thats what I believe.

I have been through the yelling rages of 2 relatives with BPD many times. At first I was just shocked and gave in, "lost territory". Over the years it all got worse, since the behaviour was paying off to her. So I decided to go NC and I see her at rare family gatherings.

My other BPD relative yelled at me twice and my approach was different (I was exahusted!). The second time I yelled back! This was on the phone.  I made very clear that I was not accepting any yelling anymore. I said it from the top of my lungs. I lost control and I yelled like crazy... . . But apparently it worked, now she respects me and never crossed the boundary again. Maybe she got scared, cause that was not me at all!

I feel that sometimes they just have to be confronted, although every expert gives the opposite advice. But the thing is, I was tired of being disrespected and I freaked out. 

[Clearmind]

000111, great links above and well worth a look.

Borderlines are impulsive and raging is no different. Writing a letter now really won't have the desired affect - we need to act in the moment.

"I understand you're upset. That sounds very frustrating, and if you continue screaming I will hang up/walk away." Then if she does, I walk away and protect myself.

This is setting a firm boundary that you will not stick around and reinforce bad behaviour

[cleotokos]

I used the same tactic as christina2323... .   the last couple of times my mom started screaming at me, I was so enraged I screamed right back and made it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR this would not be tolerated. It wasn't planned, it was out of sheer frustration. I had moved out of her house for several years by that point, and was no longer used to being screamed at like this on a daily basis. I realized that she did this to me because she thought she could get away with using me as an emotional punching bag - she certainly didn't scream at any of her friends like this. I know it helped that she knew I could cut off all contact now if she really got on my bad side. So, not exactly the same as your situation, but if you her know she will not get away with making you a target, she may not. Good luck to you.

[coyotafiera]

When I volunteered at a crisis intervention hotline, we had a 5-part message for people with BPD.  I used a modified version with my mother and it worked over time to decrease the yelling.  I never told her ahead of time what the rules were, but every time she yelled at me on the phone, I'd do the same thing. 

I'd use a quiet voice, and she'd lower hers because she wanted to hear if there was something I was saying that she could criticize.  I would not stop once I started.  (Sometimes she'd try to interrupt me to yell at me, daring me to hang up on her.  I just kept talking, and she'd stop yelling over me because she realized I wasn't going to stop and I wasn't rising to her pitch.  Even if she knew what was coming, she'd still eventually drop her tone.)  I said something along the lines of, "I hear that you are frustrated with the uncooperative Swiss Colony operator.  Right now I'm upset that you're raising your voice to me, because I was trying in good faith to help you deal with the situation.  When you've had some time to calm down and feel you can talk to me without raising your voice, feel free to call back.  For right now, I'm going to hang up.  Talk to you soon.  Good night." 

Then I hung up, even if she started to beg for me not to, and even if she told me in a level voice that she would quiet down.  Consistent follow-through sent the message that this was not negotiable.  If she wanted to talk to me, she knew she had to moderate her voice.

Phone conversations were actually relatively easy with the following guidelines:

1. Talk about behaviors and NEVER emotions. 

2. Let statements drop without a response if they're bait or they're inappropriate.  (This is the behavioral practice of extinction.)

3. Model the tone you want to hear.

4. Remember that it takes two to Tango.

It took a good deal of self control, but after a while I stopped feeling anxiety on the phone because I had taken control of my part of the communication.  I left nothing for her to latch onto, and if she started to berate me, I'd civilly and quietly end the call without calling names or engaging in the reindeer games.  Totally liberating.

I hope this helps.