No expectations, No disappointment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It is not surprising. It has been OVER 6 months since he started his "addictive game playing" at about 8-10 hrs/day up to 13 hrs/day in the past 3 months. There is NO time and NO attempt on his end to "have any relationship with me".

Just today, I mentioned, that since son was with his father for Spring Break that I was hoping that, if he wanted to spend any time with me, that we "could do something" together. I got some dvds and blu-rays from the library and he has NO interest in watching any of them with me. He barely watches his "favorite" programs and ONLY moves to the couch for his ALL TIME favorite which will air its season finale this Sunday night at 9 p.m. (All TWD fans know this one) He said that he "doesn't try to talk with me because it always ends up in an argument" I just agreed. Period. End of conversation.

I am watching my movies alone. Letting him take care of the puppies on "his watch" and going to bed and sleeping and even watching TV/dvds in the bedroom. I am on "Spring Break" and told him that either Saturday or Sunday, I am having a "NO COOKING - cleaning- work Day"... .

An interesting note for ALL nons: I got the PBS series on Emotional Health called "This Emotional Life"... . it didn't have anything directly about mental illness or BPD but "skirted" some issues that he seemed to "open up" about a bit. I think I will be playing MORE of this kind of documentary. He shared with me some of his past abuse from his father. Insidious mental and emotional abuse AND he shows SEVERE signs of BPD upon that... . a double whammy.

I am "still living with" but feel that there is NO RELATIONSHIP with my uBPDso... . funny thing is, he might not be very happy to find out that this is HOW I SEE THINGS between us. There is NOTHING there. I have no expectations, therefore there are NO disappointments.

In other words, I am having a good Spring Break and hope my son is enjoying time with his father. I am just "biding by time" here.

[real lady]

It is not surprising. It has been OVER 6 months since he started his "addictive game playing" at about 8-10 hrs/day up to 13 hrs/day in the past 3 months. There is NO time and NO attempt on his end to "have any relationship with me".

Just today, I mentioned, that since son was with his father for Spring Break that I was hoping that, if he wanted to spend any time with me, that we "could do something" together. I got some dvds and blu-rays from the library and he has NO interest in watching any of them with me. He barely watches his "favorite" programs and ONLY moves to the couch for his ALL TIME favorite which will air its season finale this Sunday night at 9 p.m. (All TWD fans know this one) He said that he "doesn't try to talk with me because it always ends up in an argument" I just agreed. Period. End of conversation.

I am watching my movies alone. Letting him take care of the puppies on "his watch" and going to bed and sleeping and even watching TV/dvds in the bedroom. I am on "Spring Break" and told him that either Saturday or Sunday, I am having a "NO COOKING - cleaning- work Day"... .

An interesting note for ALL nons: I got the PBS series on Emotional Health called "This Emotional Life"... . it didn't have anything directly about mental illness or BPD but "skirted" some issues that he seemed to "open up" about a bit. I think I will be playing MORE of this kind of documentary. He shared with me some of his past abuse from his father. Insidious mental and emotional abuse AND he shows SEVERE signs of BPD upon that... . a double whammy.

I am "still living with" but feel that there is NO RELATIONSHIP with my uBPDso... . funny thing is, he might not be very happy to find out that this is HOW I SEE THINGS between us. There is NOTHING there. I have no expectations, therefore there are NO disappointments.

In other words, I am having a good Spring Break and hope my son is enjoying time with his father. I am just "biding by time" here.

[marbleloser]

I lived this way for 20 years.With exception of our kiddos,what a waste of my life that was.I remember having no expectations.It was depressing.Everyone needs some kind of hope,expectation,and dreams. We lived basically as roommates,except a roommate would at least pay part of the bills.

Don't waste your life like I did.Why stay with someone who can't or won't return any feeling?

[DragoN]

I lived this way for 20 years.With exception of our kiddos,what a waste of my life that was.I remember having no expectations.It was depressing.Everyone needs some kind of hope,expectation,and dreams. We lived basically as roommates

Less  than a year ago... . my partner suggested that to me. Live as Roommates.

I said NO.

How bizarre. I cannot wrap my head around it.

[Want2know]

I am "still living with" but feel that there is NO RELATIONSHIP with my uBPDso... . funny thing is, he might not be very happy to find out that this is HOW I SEE THINGS between us. There is NOTHING there. I have no expectations, therefore there are NO disappointments.

In other words, I am having a good Spring Break and hope my son is enjoying time with his father. I am just "biding by time" here.

Is this really the way you want to live, and what you would suggest to others in a similar situation?

What are your plans for the next year, 5 years, etc. regarding your marriage to your husband?

[real lady]

I lived this way for 20 years.With exception of our kiddos,what a waste of my life that was.I remember having no expectations.It was depressing. Everyone needs some kind of hope,expectation,and dreams. We lived basically as roommates,except a roommate would at least pay part of the bills. Don't waste your life like I did.Why stay with someone who can't or won't return any feeling?

You are EXACTLY right. This is HEALTHY thinking. I am sorry that you lived that way for 20 years. I cannot imagine it and I will NOT do it. I have NO expectations from him anymore. The more I realize it, the better I stay detached. The easier it will be WHEN I leave. I wouldn't say that "we are roommates", I feel more like his maid and chef. I don't even feel that he sees me as a "friend" and that further PUSHES ME AWAY from him. His choice. WE ALL deserve BETTER than this void of an existence with a pwBPD... . I agree.

[real lady]

Less  than a year ago... . my partner suggested that to me. Live as Roommates. I said NO. How bizarre. I cannot wrap my head around it.

I think what he was saying might be that he did not want to commit (though HE HAD in the beginning) to a relationship with you. That is how I feel that my uBPDso has "thought it through". I moved in and within 8 months he was telling me to "get the F out of his house"... . really?  I understand that HAVING THE GAME CHANGE AT HALF TIME is UNFAIR to us... . I think that is why I have had the hardest time getting my head wrapped around what has happened. Learning to detach, take good care of ourselves, and "letting go" of the expectation of relationship with them are things, imho, that WE NEED TO DO for ourselves. 

[real lady]

Is this really the way you want to live, and what you would suggest to others in a similar situation?

Hi Want2know... . NO it is NOT the way that I want to live and NOT the way that I WILL live for much longer.

I would suggest that others in similar situation to me SURVIVE by taking good care of themselves: this is a MENTAL ILLNESS that we are dealing with. IT IS NOT something that is "gong to go away" by itself.

We HAVE TO turn the focus of HEALING onto ourselves, we are the only ones who can HEAL what hurt is in our hearts. No matter HOW it got there, what we have done, etc. We need to "find ourselves, heal from abuse and learn to dream again".

Accept, RADICALLY ACCEPT that the person we have loved (or may still love, I am very unsure about it) is MENTALLY ILL, doesn't want to admit it or get help and pushes us away in fear of intimacy and leaves us out of fear of being abandoned by us.

It is ludicrous and totally absurd for us to expect an HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP with an mentally and emotionally UNHEALTHY person. It can't be done or had. REALIZE that you have control ONLY OVER YOURSELF and you will not be able to "change" a pwBPD. They must want an healthy relationship with you as MUCH as you want with them.

LEARN about yourself, BPD and "make a plan" on how YOU WILL SURVIVE this until you are able to leave. Unless a pwBPD will commit to counseling, stay in therapy and "work the program" of healing, then we have nothing to "work with" from them. We need to WORK WITH WHAT WE HAVE, ourselves and to make that distinction, no matter "how much of soul mates" that we thought we were with our pwBPD... . THAT was just a PHASE in their illness and NOT about us at all.

BE ABLE TO READ and DECODE what a pwBPD is saying and what they really need. We will see how ILL they are. We will have pity. We will be angry over loss and broken promises. We will foster compassion and make choices to "help" where we can, set boundaries that are healthy FOR US and detach and begin our lives again.

What are your plans for the next year, 5 years, etc. regarding your marriage to your husband?

Fortunately, due to his BPD, we are NOT married so there is much that frees me and much that has scared me since I GAVE UP my job, relocated, gave up furniture, moved away from friends and family. I "have nothing" and am dependent upon him, for now. I am working at finding a FULL TIME job with benefits, saving up money for a car, getting insurance in my name, saving up for an apartment for my son and I have "aimed" for this August but with my son's changing schools, etc. I have been busier with some of his education needs and "needed" more at home with the puppies and am about 4 weeks backlogged on my schedule. I have not applied for a job but I HAVE completed my resume and am ready to now submit it for positions that will give me the means to LEAVE.

In 5 years, my son and I will be very happy, I might have met a wonderful man and in relationship or married and this "once wonderful dream come true turned BPD nightmare" will be a FAINT memory and WARNING to me to share with others.