Possible for them to find peace if they just stay single?

[fakename]

You think if they got dumped enough times that they then figured they needed a break from dating they might find peace and less anxiety if they just tried the single life? Or do they need someone to vent and express themselves to?

You think they can have an eye-opening moment when they stay single work on themselves and fisninf hobbies and then after a couple months try dating again would things be different?

[crashintome]

Mine needs the support of a partner - something a typical "friend" won't give.  And when I say support, I mean it in every sense of the word:  emotional, sexual, financial, the whole 9 yards.  She loves to brag about how independent she is, but that couldn't be further from the truth.

[mango_flower]

My ex always said she was meant to be single.  And after a marriage at a young age, stayed single since leaving him.   She said it felt safer that way.

She also said numerous times how she couldn't believe she'd found me, as she always felt she was destined to stay single. (I know this may be a BPD thing to say, but I have no reason to disbelieve it, she wasn't somebody who jumped from one partner to another AT ALL!)

Even when she dumped me, she said she would probably end up single even though she was starting to see this new girl... . as she just felt that was her path.

Ironically she now is engaged... .

I think she'd be better single, and if you got her on an "honest" day she'd probably agree... . she would  more than likely need an intense friendship (non-sexual) to meet her emotional needs though - she just can't be alone... . (when she was single all those years, she had a very emotionally intense relationship with her best friend who then fell out with her as she got jealous of all the time she spent with me).

I think that what they need and what they think they need may be polar opposite... .

[newlymarried]

BPD is a relational disorder. These people have no sense of self, and without a partner; there is no there there.

[fakename]

Thanks for all the insights guys.

One stood out that I've heard before but maybe would like to discuss.

What newlymarried said about with no partner, there is no there there.

I don't really understand that - they can still function in their day to day lives. They still do things they enjoy like exercising in my Ex's case. Or going to the movies with her cousins or taking care of her sister's kids. So it's not like the stop operating.

I would just imagine that they feel empty and wonder what the point of doing it all is

Would appreciate further discussion

[newlymarried]

They have no stable sense of identity. That is what BPD means, or least one of the diagnostic criteria.

For example, purple is my favorite color. You could put me in a room full of people who hate the color purple, purple would still be my favorite color. 

Now take a person with BPD: you say your favorite color is purple, when they are with you; their favorite color is purple. When you put them with someone whose favorite color is red, their favorite color becomes red.

That is what I mean by saying there is no there there.

[fakename]

Newlymarried,

Right, I get that and I remember many instances of how my ex embodied that, but I don't think that has anything to do with them being able to be at more peace/calm if they decided to remain single. They can still act as who they are, who they last mirrored and I'm guessing even non-romantically linked people they end up surrounding themselves with more often.

I do think they have a heavy need for emotional support and affection but I wonder if they are focused on being single if all the chaos in their head subsides and they don't have the expectations of feeding that emotional support since they don't have that someone.

[Blessed0329]

Is it possible for them to find peace if they just stay single? That is a interesting question, and the answer probably depends on the pwBPD. As for my ex, he has been in a long term marriage, 25+ years. His wife is 9 years older, packs his lunch, manages their finances and gives him an allowance, schedules his doctor appointments,etc. in other words, he found someone to be the mother he really never had, and she has been very dependable and good for him in this respect. My ex worked for me for two years. The first year, I really did not notice anything especially quirky or weird about him. We worked in a social services field, and it tends to draw people who have "issues," so being somewhat peculiar is a norm in my field. One thing I did notice was his tendency to be very self centered, suspicious and paranoid, and a bit moody. The only reason I found these traits to be odd is that his primary vocation is as a minister, and these are not traits I have typically noticed in other ministers.

About a year into our working together, he suddenly decided, for whatever reason, that he fell in love with me. It surprised me when he suddenly began pursuing me sexually and romantically. This was when he began going haywire with his behaviors. It was like something in him short circuited, and he began acting completely erratically. His work did not suffer. In fact, it flourished, but emotionally, he was a lunatic. His decision to leave my employ after a year of a crazy roller coaster ride with me was truly the best thing he could do for himself, because as hard as he tried to get stable and remain stable, contact with me triggered him to act in ways he had worked so hard to overcome.

So for my ex, yes, although he is still struggling, and now battling depression, alienating people, etc., it seems he is at least getting some semblance of stability back, since we have maintained NC, and he did not replace me with someone else.

[Wooddragon]

Mine told me early on that he had an issue that made it impossible for him to be in a relationship & that his last one had ended 5 yrs before meeting me. There had been many many women in the interim tho - even his best friend warned me about his inability to stay with anyone for long. I think he had some understanding of his limitations but his intense seductive approach I'm sure would have meant that there was no shortage of women to fill his sexual & emotional validation needs. Now he says he wants to be in a relationship (I declined another go around & have been nc for 6 weeks, but I'm assuming that he has recruited someone else by now)

[GreenMango]

It's a paradoxical emotional disorder.  Need to close, need to far.  Need Intimacy, Fear Intimacy.

Emotionally impulsive doesn't help and neither does not having reasonable coping skills to soothe appropriately through the anxieties and fears.

Imagine this: imagine how confused you were being on the receiving end of this person's behavior.  Now magnify that by 100 and live it everyday for as long as you can remember.  Insecurity, anxiety, irrational fears sparked for unknown reasons, impulsive knee jerk reactions, wanting/needing a person then feeling totally overwhelmed by them the next, hostility for unknown reasons except that you feel that way ... . what a nightmare.  Not really a peaceful place to be. 

I'm not making excuses for the person.  But truly... . Belief No. 2 that can keep you stuck - The belief that a person with BPD feels the same way you do - they don't it's almost scary how much they don't.

[laelle]

It's a paradoxical emotional disorder.  Need to close, need to far.  Need Intimacy, Fear Intimacy.

Emotionally impulsive doesn't help and neither does not having reasonable coping skills to soothe appropriately through the anxieties and fears.

Imagine this: imagine how confused you were being on the receiving end of this person's behavior.  Now magnify that by 100 and live it everyday for as long as you can remember.  Insecurity, anxiety, irrational fears sparked for unknown reasons, impulsive knee jerk reactions, wanting/needing a person then feeling totally overwhelmed by them the next, hostility for unknown reasons except that you feel that way ... . what a nightmare.  Not really a peaceful place to be. 

I'm not making excuses for the person.  But truly... . Belief No. 2 that can keep you stuck - The belief that a person with BPD feels the same way you do - they don't it's almost scary how much they don't.

Great stuff GreenMango.  Will keep this in my notebook.  Its very revealing, honest, and helps to calm the tendency to have guilt.