As I am typing this my uBPDw is an a full blown rage episode telling me everything I have ever done wrong. How horrible of a person that I am and how I have abandoned her and the children. That I have caused her to be the way she is. That it is my fault her own family will not talk to her. I am the reason for every problem that has ever happened to her. Her rages are so bad that I avoid going home from work because she will scream so loudly outside my home that the neighbors have threatened to call the police ON ME! She screams, shrieks and grunts like an animal so loudly and uncontrolled that's its frightening.
This has become a public nuisance. This is pretty scary to think you could be at the receiving end of consequences that belong to her.
Knowing all of this, why would she want me in her life at all?
Why would you want a person in your life at all who does this?
If I am so close to the devil incarnate then why have anything to do with me? I basically hide at work. Her episodes are so bad and close together that I cannot even see my children for fear of how she will react. They are terrified, as well as I am. I am a prisoner to her illness.
It's a disorder that is like a study in contradictions. Focus on the kids, the kids come first.
What can I do? It has to just be easier to go back and meek out an existence... . It has to be better than the hell I am living every minute of every day.
Meek out an existence... . this stuff doesn't get better it usually gets worse without some serious work from our side of the street. Part of it is communication, boundaries, getting our feet underneath us so we aren't letting a mentally ill person lead, etc.
Keep reading-let your emotions calm down a bit. Don't make any rash decisions. Just focus on you, getting yourself to a more stable place. I get this feeling though the amount of tension and stress from a relationship like this can be pretty over the top.
How's your support system? A good therapist is a life saver? So are good friends and family.
