Cant believe it

[trevjim]

So today im worse as im hungover and tired! good night but regretting it now. However I stupidly found myself looking back through old pictures on my facebook of myself and ex (I didnt mean too, I was deleting old photos and didnt realise they where still there, I should of stopped looking but my emotions got the better of me and they are now deleted)

Anyway it was so painful to see how happy we where in the photos and all the good times we had, I know photos often lie and dont tell the whole truth, but it still hurt. I still struggle to come to grips with how someone who 'loved' and 'cherished' me so much, can move on with someone else and split me black a day after breaking up.

The relationship wasnt healthy which was why I ended it, but it would be nice to feel I meant something, I understand BPD dynamics cause me to feel like this but its hard.

Just needed to vent today  :'(

[freshstart48]

Sorry to hear you're hurting. How longs it been since break up? It seems like women always bounce back quicker from relationships then men do. We home feeling sorry for ourselves or having a pity party and they are out dating or in another relationship already. I wonder why that is. Why they are able to put the feelings they had for us aside so quickly and engage in another relationship so quickly.

My opinion is there was two different levels of love. I don't think there love was in the same ball park as ours, thus, the can move on to the next guy without missing a beat.

[trevjim]

Sorry to hear you're hurting. How longs it been since break up? It seems like women always bounce back quicker from relationships then men do. We home feeling sorry for ourselves or having a pity party and they are out dating or in another relationship already. I wonder why that is. Why they are able to put the feelings they had for us aside so quickly and engage in another relationship so quickly.

My opinion is there was two different levels of love. I don't think there love was in the same ball park as ours, thus, the can move on to the next guy without missing a beat.

We broke up mid november. I think thats the hardest part, The way she idealized me and made me feel so loved, I felt it was impossible for her to ever get over me, and although I wish her all the best, It amazed me how quickly her feelings projected from me onto someone else. There was one picture of us at a meal, she was litteraly staring at me smiling whilst I was looking at something else, as if she admiring me, Now im just nothing.

One of those days.

[dogpirate]

jim, I find myself in the same boat as you. It's been a little over a month since my break up with my exBPDgf, and even now I am finding little remnants of our relationship, and it just kills me and ruins my day. It is extremely hard to cope with the fact that a month, week, or even a day before they split us and moved on, we were feeling like the relationship was in good health and that their feelings for us were stronger than ever.

I think you can be assured that the happiness in those pictures is real, and the happiness you experienced with your ex was real. But on the other hand, they were experiencing emotions within themselves that we could never begin to understand, even now after becoming BPD-aware and reading through similar situations.

It is imperative to realize that the break up was much more about them than it was about you, and unfortunately this is why it seems no one ever receives closure. They are hurting just as much as you are if not more, just as they always have throughout their entire life. Not that this excuses their behavior, but it has given me insight as to why I couldn't always empathize or relate to them during their 'dark' periods.

They can't be truly happy with anyone until they tackle their own deep-rooted issues of self-loathing and their fear of abandonment. Keep your pictures and your memories with her stowed away until you feel mentally healthy and secure again, and know that you were good and the memories you had with her are good. You showed her happiness, and the pictures are a remnant of that.

You ended it because you were emotionally aware of the problems, and you realized that your situation wasn't healthy. Her fear of abandonment  has been actualized, and in response she is gasping for breath as she desperately attempts to find and cling to another structure of 'stability'. I feel that this is the main motivation behind their impulsive rebounding and poor choices in following relationships.

If you feel what you had is real, I am sure she felt the same. Those feelings don't disappear easily. She is trying her best to split and devalue you to suppress her attachment to you and, in turn, her feelings of abandonment.

[trevjim]

Thank you dogpirate, that's a really informative post. I find it weird that I essentially caused all this hurt and made her split me black by ending the relationship, I triggered the abandonment and her coping mechanisms. Of course I had good genuine reasons to do so, but I guess it plays on the 'regret' part of me that perhaps I could of avoided all this pain, however breaking up was the right thing to do and I have to keep telling myself that.

[dogpirate]

It truly is awful, and it is hard to let go. We spend our whole relationship with them after the initial seduction / honeymoon phase teetering back and forth between idealization and devaluation, but we hang on because we -know- things can get back to the way they used to be in the beginning. We know that there are rough patches sometimes, but the good more than makes up for it. And then soon, the good slowly diminishes and is replaced by bad and you find yourself flopping helplessly like a fish out of water, just begging for a splash of relief.

If you could've done something differently, surely you would've. Hindsight is 20/20 and in retrospect we can only learn from our mistakes; do not dwell on your decisions with regret, as it only serves to diminish you emotionally and slow your recovery. You are on this forum because you felt you had done everything you could and that you acted in her best interest, and you should be proud of that. We can only give so much, but do not regret not giving -more- to sustain a relationship that was always teetering on chaos.

We simply cannot sustain the perfect image they perpetuated during their idealization phase, and unfortunately that means they are entirely responsible for their image of us, we are powerless to how they perceive us. The most we can do is attempt to appease to their reactions and avoid 'rocking the boat', but even then there is no control.

The sick thing is that if you decide to stay after they split you (like I did initially, god forbid) eventually you will see them idealize someone else like they used to idealize you, leaving you feeling confused, broken and worthless. You will feel intense feelings of shame and regret as you witness what you considered to be your soul mate mimicking the same behaviors she had with you with no remorse.

There's just no right decision to make in relation to your relationship with her, all you can do now is to begin realizing your recovery and stabilizing your emotions.

[mango_flower]

Hi Trevjim - how you doing today?  I hate looking back - it makes me question everything and ask the same things that you ask... . how?  How did this happen?  How can she have loved me so much and then move on so quickly?

Keep moving forward. It's ok to have a setback.

Just do small things, hang out with good friends, live life.  Every day, make new memories x

[expos]

I hate looking back - it makes me question everything and ask the same things that you ask... . how?  How did this happen?  How can she have loved me so much and then move on so quickly?

I found myself staring at photos of my ex-wife and I in the Bahamas while were dating in 2008.

My thoughts were:

1.) Oh my god, I cannot believe that I am not with this beautiful woman anymore.  Why did I end our relationship?  What was I thinking? 

2.) I want to bring her back to this location again and renew our love.

3.) Will I ever have this sort of deep, profound love for a woman again?

It hurt SO much to look at those photos... . but I'm sure if I were go back in time to about a year ago, and have a discussion with myself, I'm sure I'd be dealing with a totally different guy with a different opinion about how this woman was making his life completely miserable.  Why do we forget such things? 

I hope and pray that everyone on this thread can get through these terrible times.  I, like many others, am in a living HELL.  Regretting my divorce, feeling worthless, thinking about my ex-wife constantly.  I want this pain to be over.  I wish I could take some sort of pill that would erase my memories of her... .

[DragoN]

Dogpirate, Well said


There were good memories, they haunt us , rose colored glasses. They are cruel things to wear. Put them down, and look at what the majority of the relationship was. Did any of us take pictures of the raging? I didn't. Maybe I should. Puts things into perspective.

Did we record the screeching insults? The lack of apology? The lack of remorse or empathy for our hurt?

Rose colored glasses. There were good moments. But there were also far more hellish moments. Not to mention... . who knows what other things were done to some people here. Cheating, lying, etc.etc.

[laelle]

Why do we forget such things?

This is the part that always gets me.  While the break up is new, you feel justified and relieved of their intense pressure on you.

After a while those things fade and I am left with good memories, sympathy and love.  Its important to journal, which is part of why the website is so great.  I am done with the relationship not because I stopped loving him, or even that he didnt love me the same way, but because he treated me like crap, and I have more important things to do with my time.

[freshstart48]

I hate looking back - it makes me question everything and ask the same things that you ask... . how?  How did this happen?  How can she have loved me so much and then move on so quickly?

I found myself staring at photos of my ex-wife and I in the Bahamas while were dating in 2008.

My thoughts were:

1.) Oh my god, I cannot believe that I am not with this beautiful woman anymore.  Why did I end our relationship?  What was I thinking? 

2.) I want to bring her back to this location again and renew our love.

3.) Will I ever have this sort of deep, profound love for a woman again?

It hurt SO much to look at those photos... . but I'm sure if I were go back in time to about a year ago, and have a discussion with myself, I'm sure I'd be dealing with a totally different guy with a different opinion about how this woman was making his life completely miserable.  Why do we forget such things? 

I hope and pray that everyone on this thread can get through these terrible times.  I, like many others, am in a living HELL.  Regretting my divorce, feeling worthless, thinking about my ex-wife constantly.  I want this pain to be over.  I wish I could take some sort of pill that would erase my memories of her... .

Expos- sorry that you're struggling with your decision to end that relationship. Like many here are saying, you're looking at that failed relationship thru rose colored glasses. You're not remembering all the abuse, lack of sex, yelling and other ABNORMAL behavior she demonstrated during your time together.

Are you in therapy? It can really help you look into yourself to see why you'd miss a relationship like the one you described. Also, you dating is a VERY GOOD thing to do to help you on the road to recovery. I bet if you met someone that you found attractive, fun, intelligent and was into you, you're ex wouldn't be much on your mind anymore. I know my MO is to dwell on the ex till I find someone else. This is NORMAL because we are lonely, not feeling loved, miss the companionship,etc. Once we met someone else who fills all those holes, we're like "why was I mooning over here again"?

[Hurt llama]

Sorry to hear you're hurting. How longs it been since break up? It seems like women always bounce back quicker from relationships then men do. We home feeling sorry for ourselves or having a pity party and they are out dating or in another relationship already. I wonder why that is. Why they are able to put the feelings they had for us aside so quickly and engage in another relationship so quickly.

My opinion is there was two different levels of love. I don't think there love was in the same ball park as ours, thus, the can move on to the next guy without missing a beat.

We broke up mid november. I think thats the hardest part, The way she idealized me and made me feel so loved, I felt it was impossible for her to ever get over me, and although I wish her all the best, It amazed me how quickly her feelings projected from me onto someone else. There was one picture of us at a meal, she was litteraly staring at me smiling whilst I was looking at something else, as if she admiring me, Now im just nothing.

One of those days.

I go back and read some of your posts and get confused on a few of them. Not sure if you wrote them or I did... ... seriously.

We both dumped them!

I'm a couple of years ahead of you and in that time I have seen her have a few relationships and finally one that was/is 10 months... we did keep in touch always and clearly it was an emotional affair on her part but I enjoyed the contact and I was in just about the stupidest relationship imaginable... Maybe I'l pm some of it to you later... might cheer you up.

You are right. Photographs are misleading almost by nature... we choose which ones and we only save the good times.

I have them too... . the best pictures ever... . it looks like we are born to be together... we look right together and the joy on her face when she is with me and my own feeling great are very special and real memories... But they tell just part of the story.

What makes you think she will last and be happy with someone else?

I do know I divorced my exwife, not BPD... but bi-polar and probably NPD and an extremely self centered and strong personality... and imagining her in the dating scene was unthinkable...

She met and is with someone for 10 years... they are complete opposites... he's an odd person but a good heart... . I dont know how he puts up with her or how she puts up with him... it blows my mind... He is the most boring person imaginable and tells long drawn out stories that you can have a panic attack listening to you... . SHe hates that...

But... . she is a committed relationship person... she always was.

And incredibly I have to admit they are a good couple, as odd as I can imagine and perfect in a way.


I know that my exBPDgf no matter who she finds, she will never experience the feelings that we did together... . Largely because it was dysfunctional... and true!

And if she does, and it lasts, then good for her.

BPD or not, it's a hard lesson sometimes to accept that by nature, we are all replaceable.