effects of her battering my self esteem

[Depression = 72% of members]

all in all i'm doing well and feel like i'm closer to moving on.

but as i was out cycling today (did 53 miles - never could have gone for rides like that if the ex was still around), i was thinking about taking the steps to date soon, and i couldnt shake how she battered my self esteem over the time i knew her. i feel like i'm not good looking, or good enough or able to pleasure a girl right and i was thinking maybe i should just settle and go back to her.  its obviously not what i want, but i'm just pointing out the thoughts i was having.

i guess i will only find out through trial and error. but funny how i'm still affected by her and all the terrible things she said to me and how she always tried to keep me down.

[fakename]

all in all i'm doing well and feel like i'm closer to moving on.

but as i was out cycling today (did 53 miles - never could have gone for rides like that if the ex was still around), i was thinking about taking the steps to date soon, and i couldnt shake how she battered my self esteem over the time i knew her. i feel like i'm not good looking, or good enough or able to pleasure a girl right and i was thinking maybe i should just settle and go back to her.  its obviously not what i want, but i'm just pointing out the thoughts i was having.

i guess i will only find out through trial and error. but funny how i'm still affected by her and all the terrible things she said to me and how she always tried to keep me down.

[marbleloser]

I'll never forget what a woman said to me 15 years ago.She was gorgeous and was flirty.

She looked at me and said "What has she done to you?"She could see it.She could see that my self esteem was broken down.

You'll get it back fakename.We let our self esteem be dictated by someone else,when it should have come from within us.Just take your time and enjoy what you're doing.Take this time for yourself.

[fakename]

thanks marble, that means a lot.

the "what has she done to you?" line is funny. i can see that. i actually think that myself sometimes.

but you'e right. it'll come back and i feel it coming back and i feel like it'll be stronger than ever, especially since i'm pushing myself mentally and physically. i guess i do have her to thank because of that - have to tear things down before you can rebuild. 

[HarmKrakow]

thanks marble, that means a lot.

the "what has she done to you?" line is funny. i can see that. i actually think that myself sometimes.

but you'e right. it'll come back and i feel it coming back and i feel like it'll be stronger than ever, especially since i'm pushing myself mentally and physically. i guess i do have her to thank because of that - have to tear things down before you can rebuild. 

I relate fully to the; 'i feel ugly, not capable of pleasuring someone, yada yada' as we were not good enough for our BPD others. I don't have self confidence atm. I don't, i'm not ready yet for dating, my shrink will never allow me that :P but in order to rebuild the self confidence.

Very little steps, maybe something like, next week you do 60 miles by bike. You need something to tell yourself that hey, fakename, i've done that well, i can be proud of myself.

[mango_flower]

Agree - I won't be dating anyone for a long time, maybe even not again.

Some people believe they are not good enough for others, I say they ARE, but I have too many flaws about me to actually get somebody "normal".  So if I can't be with anyone emotionally normal (because let's face it, they could have anyone they chose, right? Why would they choose a defective, tainted person who is a bit broken!) then I have enough self-worth to not get into another dysfunctional relationship at least  

Sad though, to think I may never get to do those things I wanted when I was with her - I'd love a family someday. But I won't compromise who I choose to date, and pick another BPD just because I have low self-esteem. It's safer to be alone!