BPD mother w/ "chronic illnesses" my guilt over being judged as bad daughter

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm new here. My mom is currently in a nursing home after what I can only surmise is from an episode of narcotic substance abuse coupled with the need for drama and attention. She has had every ailment known to man... loves when I'm sick so we can "connect" and she can be my nurse. She has never seen me as a separate person. She has guilted me my whole life to take care of her needs. She used to wake me up in the middle of the night all time to complain about my dad. She is driven by the need to appear rich and have her kids be successsful. Her only goal for me was for me to marry a rich man and be a mom and housewife like her. Not that that's bad. Its just that she wanted me to be exactly like her... dress like her... always look beautiful and made up just in case Mr. Right came along. So now she is "sick" w neuopathy and she is gukting me and her friends are too. I live four hours from her and have two kids (9&12 years old) I know she wants me to run to her side and I did last weekend only to have her plead w me to return.  This woman has called my wonderful 12 yr old daughter a liar and a sneak only Bc she didn't bow down to be effusive enough over the grandiose gifts she showers my kids with. It's all for show and so she can tell her friends what sn ingrate my kid is sneer be the generous maligned martyr. I feel guilty tor going off on her but I must say that I help her out of obligation and s part if me really hates her and wants to see her die. She's so toxic. Yet is in a nursing home and j cant help but feeling like a cold heartless daughterwhich is what she wants ne to feel I'm sure. Guilt! I'm very depressed and have been  all my life as expressing my emotions was never allowed.

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[frannigan]

I'm new here. My mom is currently in a nursing home after what I can only surmise is from an episode of narcotic substance abuse coupled with the need for drama and attention. She has had every ailment known to man... loves when I'm sick so we can "connect" and she can be my nurse. She has never seen me as a separate person. She has guilted me my whole life to take care of her needs. She used to wake me up in the middle of the night all time to complain about my dad. She is driven by the need to appear rich and have her kids be successsful. Her only goal for me was for me to marry a rich man and be a mom and housewife like her. Not that that's bad. Its just that she wanted me to be exactly like her... dress like her... always look beautiful and made up just in case Mr. Right came along. So now she is "sick" w neuopathy and she is gukting me and her friends are too. I live four hours from her and have two kids (9&12 years old) I know she wants me to run to her side and I did last weekend only to have her plead w me to return.  This woman has called my wonderful 12 yr old daughter a liar and a sneak only Bc she didn't bow down to be effusive enough over the grandiose gifts she showers my kids with. It's all for show and so she can tell her friends what sn ingrate my kid is sneer be the generous maligned martyr. I feel guilty tor going off on her but I must say that I help her out of obligation and s part if me really hates her and wants to see her die. She's so toxic. Yet is in a nursing home and j cant help but feeling like a cold heartless daughterwhich is what she wants ne to feel I'm sure. Guilt! I'm very depressed and have been  all my life as expressing my emotions was never allowed.

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[Surnia]

Hi frannigan

and 

I feel with you, its exhausting to feel guilty, no wonder you are very depressed. Its a very conflicted situation with your mother.

Great you found the courage to share about it. Many members here are in similar situations and depression is often a issue. So you are not alone.

Is you mother diagnosed?

Do you have siblings?

Please keep in touch, frannigan!

Surnia

[frannigan]

Thank you Surnia! I can really use support. My mom has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder but is definitely borderline. I have two older brothers who have their own troubles. My mother has demonized one of my brothers and has mistreated him all his  life because he has stood up to her. We all struggle with how to deal w my mom but we support each other and are able to "reality Check" w each other so we know the craziness is her and not us. My dad died in 2009. God bless him he stuck with my mom but also was emotionally healthy enough and provided enough support to keep me grounded and helped me survive my mom. But hes not here any more... . I wonder cynically if the stress w dealing with her contributed to the cancer he died from at he young  age of 71. I think dealing w BPD does create big health problems... .

[Kwamina]

Hi frannigan  

Sorry to hear you're feeling so depressed. My mother is an undiagnosed BPD and I've struggled with depression and anxiety all my life. Are you familiar with the book 'Feeling Good' by David D. Burns? This book is about depression and anxiety and in it he discusses things you can do at home by yourself to help lift yourself out of depression.

I think you're right about the relationship between BPD-stress and health problems. I've actually just started a new thread on the exact same topic, you might wanna check it out:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198242.0