Regardless of whether it's for the best, I STILL FAILED

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So many people tell me I dodged a bullet.

And you know what, I accept that I did!

This logic should make me happy and be able to move on.

I have moved on in the sense that I would NEVER take her back now (not that she'd ever come back)

But the confusion and pain still eats away at me every day.

I feel like I failed her.  If I'd truly been there for her 100% then we'd never have got to this stage.  She became emotionally attached to somebody else.  And left me. 

And it was because I didn't communicate enough with her.  I was in a walking-zombie mode towards the end, shell-shocked from her recent health scare and her Uncle dying and the fact that she was so upset I'd postponed the wedding.

Yeah, I know this is for the best, but I'd have liked to have had the choice - not being TOLD that our relationship was over.  She decided the rest of my life for me, without her in it.  And it's not what I would have chosen at all.

So, I failed.  I obviously wasn't enough of a mind-reader to know the true extent of her issues.  And I thought I knew her inside out.

Her new gf takes her away places I never did, because I never knew she wanted to go to those places.  Or I would have taken her.  I would have been more romantic and planned things, had I known she wanted to do them... .

(and for once I wasn't facebook stalking, we have over 100 mutual facebook friends and she had commented about where she'd gone for the weekend on a friend's post). 

I know, I am my own worst enemy.  No tough love tonight please though, I'm feeling fragile x

[mango_flower]

So many people tell me I dodged a bullet.

And you know what, I accept that I did!

This logic should make me happy and be able to move on.

I have moved on in the sense that I would NEVER take her back now (not that she'd ever come back)

But the confusion and pain still eats away at me every day.

I feel like I failed her.  If I'd truly been there for her 100% then we'd never have got to this stage.  She became emotionally attached to somebody else.  And left me. 

And it was because I didn't communicate enough with her.  I was in a walking-zombie mode towards the end, shell-shocked from her recent health scare and her Uncle dying and the fact that she was so upset I'd postponed the wedding.

Yeah, I know this is for the best, but I'd have liked to have had the choice - not being TOLD that our relationship was over.  She decided the rest of my life for me, without her in it.  And it's not what I would have chosen at all.

So, I failed.  I obviously wasn't enough of a mind-reader to know the true extent of her issues.  And I thought I knew her inside out.

Her new gf takes her away places I never did, because I never knew she wanted to go to those places.  Or I would have taken her.  I would have been more romantic and planned things, had I known she wanted to do them... .

(and for once I wasn't facebook stalking, we have over 100 mutual facebook friends and she had commented about where she'd gone for the weekend on a friend's post). 

I know, I am my own worst enemy.  No tough love tonight please though, I'm feeling fragile x

[mtmc01]

I can sympathize. I also feel like I failed, and I actually do not feel like this is the best for me, although I'm starting to think it might be the best for her. We just have to keep letting the time pass and the hurt lessen as we work on and learn to love ourselves.

[wanttoknowmore]

mango flower,

I feel the same... . i feel I failed her as she put so much trust in me and now, she seems so disapointed in me . In later part of our r/s she felt engulfed and got scared about the depth of sharing she had with me about her life and her family. Now a days,She is posting pics on FB when we were in our best times. Even her cover photo updated yesterday is connected to me.

Does it mean she is still hoping to give me a chance?  i am NC for 3 weeks.

What do you think? Should I give her a hint that I am still available and willing to reconnect? Will it backfire? Is she afraid of rejection and therefore not contacting me directly?

[BradyK]

Mango Flower --

I really feel for you! And, I think I do understand somewhat, though not everything, of course.  I can't presume to give advice, but maybe just offer you a different perspective. Ignore this if not helpful!

You wrote, in summary, that if only you were a better "mind-reader", things would have worked out. Do you really think that? That you have duty to be a mind-reader in order to satisfy the people you love? You probably don't mean that literally, of course, but maybe you feel you need to be "super-humanly" intuitive and sensitive, every moment, all the time, regardless of your own needs. But no one can do this! It is unfair to expect that from yourself or anyone else.

I often felt like a failure in my relationship with the exBPDbf - actually all the time at the end. And that if I had just played it slightly differently it all would have worked out!   In hindsight I see that if it was not one particular thing that caused problems, it would have been something else. I am not perfect, but in a healthy relationship I don't need to be! My experience is that there is no "one false step" in a good relationship where both parties want it to work. You didn't know she wanted to go places and have romantic things planned? Why is that a deal breaker? Besides, she may not have wanted that at the time. Who knows?

You know that you "dodged a bullet" and don't want to go back. That is a big step and I admire you for it! Maybe just give the "coulda woulda shoulda" thoughts a rest for a while. In my case, it took a little time. My relationship failed, and I have some things to think about, but I don't think I'm a failure anymore, and I don't think I failed him. I bet you didn't fail her either.

[marbleloser]

"because I never knew she wanted to go to those places." 

She didn't know she wanted to go either.

"had I known she wanted to do them... . "

She didn't know she wanted to do them either

Mango,this is part of the disorder.She's mirroring her new host.You didn't know these things,because she didn't want it.She was mirroring you and what you wanted.It's kinda sad when you think about it.With no sense of self,those with BPD take on the character of those around them.

Be gentle on yourself.That part of her that you fell in love with,was you.That's what makes it such a strong bond,and so difficult to let go of.

[Vatz]

Hey mango, I (like many other people here) really feel for you.

The thing is, you aren't a mind reader. Neither am I, and neither is ANYONE in the world. Trust me, not one person on this planet can actually read minds. If this person exists, he/she is probably doing something productive with it, and not wasting their time reading the mind of a spouse that's impossible to please. Ya feel me?

My relationship is terrible. But I can't get out. Not because we're married, not because we have kids. I'm scared of what else is out there. I do not feel like a failure because in the end, I'm not the one who threw away the trust, love and intimacy of our relationship. It wasn't me who did it.

Also, as for her new GF, dude, you probably took your exBPDSO places too. You were probably romantic as well. This new person is just a shiny new toy. It's new. Nothing more. The guy my SO had an affair with did her favors, took her to her appointments and to pick up her meds. I don't live as close so I can't just hop in the car and do those things. After her previous affairs I became distant, and depressed. I didn't want to do much. So she got upset because I became distant, so this guy of hers comes to her rescue. Yes, to rescue her from her depressed boyfriend whom SHE was the cause of said depression.

If she left you... . I wish mine just one day broke up with me. No drama, no affairs, no "other guy" to replace me. No, just a break-up because she wants to move on. I wish she would do that. But she won't.

You on the other hand, are very fortunate. You didn't fail. SHE did. Trust me, your GF failed. If she had a freakin problem with it, she should have said something.

Wanna know something messed up? My own parents keep telling me to dump her even though they don't even know about her affairs. My own mother tells me "Be a MAN for god-sake! End this because she's only bringing you down. If you can't be a man, you will never grow." I was insulted but... . she's right.

Anyway... . Mango, trust me... you don't want this person back. We here love you (in a way online members of a support group can) and wish only the best for you. Be strong, be happy and remember, you didn't fail anyone.

[Hurt llama]

O boy... I can't imagine anyone giving you 'tough love' after this heart pulling and honest post.

I'll state the obvious (and it's not tough or meant to be).

You are assuming you had control that you (or me or anyone) just doesn't have.

It's easy to think so, I suppose if you did this or that it would have changed things but at least in my experience, which has been too long, it was like trying to solve an impossible puzzle.

In fact, my ex once smiled sweetly and told me with those pretty Sharon Stone like eyes that she prided herself in being the Impossible Woman.

It's taken and taking, a ridiculous amount of time and energy that in the end... . well maybe I am justifying some poor decisions but I prefer to think I guess I needed this experience and even now, there is just a chance I am not ready or even care about meeting someone right now and I am just taking inventory and journalizing my experience here.

The belief that you had the power to make it work is not true. It never is. It's maybe easier to think to blame yourself than realize there was nothing you could have done.

And I don't say that easily either.

We are not victims in the long run but I will allow myself the fool me once rule... . She almost destroyed my brain and boy o boy did I get her back unconsciously... but I wreaked havoc... . and felt like others who are posting about their disappointment in their own behavior.

Many of us have been pushed so far, we are actually lucky it didn't end worse.

Please forgive yourself and accept this will pass and yeah, you dodged a bullet and it hit someone else.

I promise.

[DragoN]

 

You are beating yourself up over the actions and choices of a disordered person. You didn't fail. You got the get out of jail free card with Pain for added measure.

BPD relationships are always failures. They are not real relationships. They are parasite / host interactions that feed off your soul without you knowing it. Insidious. BPD act on instinct and not much more. Consequences to self, and empathy to extend to the other? It doesn't exist for them.

It's a painful, excruciating lesson, one for which the fall out I am still dealing with as well. The farther you stand back from your pain and really LOOK at what was there... . the less there is to find. It wasn't all bad, but it certainly was not healthy. Toxic relationships are a slow poison, and that is what a r/s with a BPD is. Soul sucking poison. You only don't know, till it's  a bit late, but it's never too late.

[mango_flower]

Thank you all - I read every one of your posts twice. 

One thing that really made sense to me is the idea that SHE didn't want those things either.

I know a lot of this stuff logically, I guess it's just going to take time for it to sink in emotionally!

Thanks for taking the time to reply xxx

[Clearmind]

Mango, I get you are fragile and I get it hurts. You are bargaining right now and that is OK - I have seen members turn corners when they begin to bargain.

"I will do anything to have her back" thoughts are part of bargaining - however in turn they also self sacrificing. It may feel that being in this bargaining stage is more comforting than the feelings of being free of it. It can become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Mango, what are you doing to help you right now? Are you reaching out to your support network? Doing things you enjoy? Would you agree that being hyper-focussed on what your ex is doing is really not helping?

[mango_flower]

Hi Clearmind - some good questions!

I haven't had the thoughts of "I'd do anything to have her back" in over a month. I don't want her back 

To help me right now I am keeping busy, lots of things booked up with friends, focusing on my sports team that I'm in.

Yes, my support network is this place and my best friend calls every day for half an hour to let me ramble, poor girl! 

I am doing lots of things I enjoy, but I don't really enjoy them, it's just going through the motions.  Everything I enjoyed, we did together and that was half of the fun, sharing them with her.  I don't even feel like I know whether I enjoy these things or whether I just think I do.  My one piece of happiness each day is after I've taken my sleeping pills and am calmer and can just lay there in bed thinking.

I agree that being hyper-focussed on her and the past doesn't help - I'm not sure how to get rid of the intrusive thoughts though.  I did the whole CBT thing with a therapist and pushing the thoughts away and refocussing ended up with me having night sweats, physical illness and panic, as I was stuffing the thoughts down and not thinking about them.  As soon as my therapist agreed it wasn't working, and I started re-processing and talking about them, the physical symptoms disappeared.  So I feel I am a bit stuck!

Hopefully my new therapist who I have my referral to in 5 days til will have some other ideas... .

[rogerroger]

MangoFlower:

I know those feelings all too well. It has taken me a long time to accept that I did not fail her because saving her was not up to me. I knew she needed help, but I didn't understand that the help she needed could not come from me - I was too close and she would not have taken any advice from me. To the contrary, she would have resented and rejected it. Our relationship failed, but I did not fail.

You say you didn't communicate enough with her, but more communication would not have fixed things. I'm sure you were not perfect, because no one is and no one can be. A successful relationship cannot depend on one (or both) parties being perfect. You made mistakes. But not making any mistakes at all would have been a mistake, as well. Therefore, you could not avoid making mistakes.

Forgiveness is a hard thing, but it is especially hard when the ones we must forgive are ourselves.