Hurt llama can you explain more how you engaged this conversation and what was said prior to that response from your SO?
Thank you!
Worked great for me!
Mine said, "I love you completely, unconditionally and you are my soulmate. I accept you for the good and bad traits you have"
See? Problem solved.
While it is completely true what she said and says very often the exact words I posted, it's (obviously) not enough for me. She does mean these words. No doubt about it. She's struggling very hard to make sense of her life and the deep anxiety she carries and shame that cannot be talked about. Ever.
Compared to many of the stories here, she does not do many of the things that other, maybe more extreme BPD people might do. But nonetheless, it doesn't matter if she can't allow or hear me patiently trying to explain what it often feels like to be me in this relationship.
I've learned more about her and my relationship in a few weeks than in 6 years by learning about BPD...
I'm going through another series of understanding (here) and trying to best prepare myself for what might come. I do know what I need to do for myself and trying to move forward daily.
When I feel that tug, that connection that soulmate thing, sometimes I just close my eyes and replay what she is able to do so easily and without normal guilt shame or remorse and how she completely cannot own up to her behavior and more importantly gets ice cold when I simply try to explain why i feel how i do... . SHe says the same things... such as "You are trying to get me to say what you want to hear. Focus on yourself. SHe has said this countless times.
The truth is that I know she is getting how her behaviour has sabotaged her most of her life and she is doing all she feels she can do to address some other fundamentals first.
While this all sounds good for her and maybe she will eventually face facts, in the meantime she 'get's all of this with the clarity of a 10 year old,
Just today she texted me this:
I love you.
I always have
I wanted to bring home the diamond ring but it didn't feel right
I would have left with your rolex though had it fit. It looks better on me than you!
Had I thought you would let me I would have
All I want is for you to ask me to be yours and I will be.
YOU'RE impossible!
The diamond she is referring to is her old engagement ring she asked to see, which she put on and I swear I heard and saw thunder and lightening as if the Gods themselves had spoken... It was quite a moment... . SHe didn't take it off and I thought she was going to try to keep it.
The watch she is referring to is a male version of the one I had bought for her that she returned along with the ring when I called off the engagement years ago.
It's hard to take the texts seriously... . I replied... When exactly was I supposed to ask you to be mine? Was that the day before you went home and announced you were starting to date and went back to your 'boyfriend) he's 25 years older... and slept with him?
Or was I supposed to ask to get engaged in October when I visited you and you told me you had broken up with him and it iwas over... . Or was I supposed to ask you to marrry me three weeks later when you texted me "There is no easy way to say this. I am back with X."
I am seeing many examples of people like her as hurt pets... We have all seen the spooked eyes and behaviour of an abused dog or cat... . with love and time, some do adjust to their new environments and others just never will.
Her level of adjustment or recovery from what she fears to 'label' or 'name' is not an overnight process if even at all possible. The real question is not about her, it's about me.
What do I feel I deserve and want?
What did i get out of this... Did I want the drama, the excitement, the danger, the challenge, the winning, the losing and most of all did I want the pain?
The answers are complex... As yes on some levels I can make a case that I 'needed' this but there is a big part of me that refutes that and accepts that at least in the beginning I was a victim. But victim ONCE. After that it was my own free will to continue to 'win her back' to be the hero and to get all sorts of ego gratification from this epic struggle.
I've read how it's maybe not healthy to think of yourself as a victim and perhaps its the easy way out. But in truth, to me it's much harder to realize I certainly was a victim as in being one, you release yourself from having had a choice or a chance to change the outcome.
But no, I don't play the victim card, that ship sailed when she disappeared on me 5 years ago and i learned the truth. The rest of the journey is complex... there is huge internal growth in it too. I have learned how much I am able to love in healthy ways, how I can stand up for myself and how good a partner I can be... I also learned that being so stubborn and refusing to quit, while may be good qualities in different parts of ones life, is not necessarily healthy in matters of love.
But yes, she does love me, as deeply as she can. She's not a cheater in the classic sense and has integrity in financial matters with me and is incredibly nurturing and caring of my health and happiness... . Always...
I'm doing one last orbit... I'm trying to do more in my life and actually take her advice on living better... . Her fate is in her hands... That's the sad part. For her.
ouch. this stung to write.
