Maybe it's not supposed to feel like "that"... ?

[Dave44]

Reading through the threads on these boards there's many things that are spoken of frequently but there's one thing mentioned in particular that I see a lot of -- how we felt towards our ex's, particularly in the beginning. I can't help but see the common phrases spoken about our intense attraction to these woman (and men). The "she/he was the most attractive person I had ever met", "I had never been so drawn to anyone in my life", "the chemistry was out of this world", "the sex was like nothing I had ever experienced before" etc etc. I know I can relate to all of those - every one actually.  In my case, my ex was a customer at my place of employment and would come in on a weekly basis. Months before I ever said a word to her or even knew her name for that matter I would always tell my co-workers when she was in that I had never seen a more attractive woman in my life. Months later to be dating her was a dream come true. She was and still is to this day single handedly the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on and I have never physically felt what I felt towards her in any other relationship I've been in -- and I've had my fair share of experience with woman. I'm an attractive guy and have always dated attractive woman.

This intense feeling we all shared got me thinking. Maybe a relationship is not supposed to be like that? Maybe that intense "draw" we have for them is a red flag in and of itself? Maybe the very first one? Lets face it, we're drawn to possible partners through physical attraction - that's normal. But its during the "getting to know each other" phase where typically feelings begin to grow stronger - as you get to know one another more. Never have I heard of  (or felt in my previous relationships) this intense out of this world attraction and chemistry from someone in a "healthy" relationship.  Now, of course the mirroring likely plays a significant role in that intense feeling but I think I can speak for many others when I say that for me, I was hooked LONG before she started to mirror or idealize me. After that began I would say she became more of an obsession for me.

It saddens me to think that the reality probably is that it isn't supposed to start like that. Like I said, none of my other relationships did. But I can also say my previous relationships pale in comparison to the one with my BPD ex as far as the physical aspect goes. However, emotionally my other "healthy" relationships were MUCH more fulfilling.  It's tough, as much as I want to be emotionally close to my partner I also at the same time want to be able to say "wow" every morning I wake up beside or or come home from work to her. Let me tell you, I sure did that with my BPD ex.  Just some food for thought... .

[healingmyheart]

I've always wondered why most if not all BPD people are truly so beautiful on a physical level. I've never heard about an ugly person with BPD.  I think their physical beauty (which they are very much aware of) is something they use to their advantage.  My ex BPD had very definitive narcissistic traits and looks were very important to him.  

For me, on top of the initial physical attraction, I was also attracted to how he just "idolized" me.  He wanted to spent every second of every day with me.  He made me feel special.  Funny, in the back of my head I do remember at one point thinking "Am I really this special?"  I guess that should have been a lightbulb moment.

He bought me cards and gifts for every month we were together to honor our monthly anniversary before we even got to the yearly anniversary.  Never has a guy in my life been that thoughtful.  

I guess the way he made me feel made it easier for me to want to overlook the insults, manipulation, control and raging that I was starting to see not long into the relationship.  I wanted my daily fix of hearing him say how special I was and how much he loved me.  I got my reality check when he had his emotional affairs and I quickly learned it truly wasn't all about me after all.  

In the end of the relationship, I felt no security.  I wondered what it would be like to have a partner who you knew you could rely on.  Not one who would yell and rage when you didn't do things to his liking.  

Honestly looks never really that important to me.  I just felt it was an added bonus that he was very "hot"    

Sadly, he knew he was hot and had no problem flirting with other women in front of me.  Why I put up with it for as long as I did, I'll never understand.  

My ex BPD will always need ongoing validation from other women no matter what kind of relationship he gets into.  I've accepted that and I try not to take it personally because I gave him my heart and soul and that wasn't enough.  

I think the person with BPD has such hyper emotions that we feed into that feeling and believe them. 

[sunrising]

There are a lot of good thoughts in this thread which relate to some of what you all are talking about: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196199.msg12213724#msg12213724

[really]

Dave it took me a long time to get to that.  I agree with you.  I've been separated from my ex for 15 months.   I have had two short relationships since and have started dating again recently.    The two women I have met through dating that I am interested in are the ones who want to take things slowly get to know someone as a friend first.  My relationship with my ex wife (who had strong NPD traits) and the woman who led me to this board were very intense from the outset.   

When I look at my friends who have had long healthy relationships I see that their relationships did not have a fraction of the intensity that mine had.   And I think that's a good thing. While I would have loved to be with someone special this Easter weekend I'm glad I am not racing into anything.   I have time to work on me.  A few months ago I did not know if I wanted to go on at all but having this time is helping me to rediscover who I am and what is important to me.  I lost a big sense of that in the relationship with my BPD ex.   She may have been the most beautiful woman I had ever seen but the price of a life with her was too great

[Dave44]

There are a lot of good thoughts in this thread which relate to some of what you all are talking about: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=196199.msg12213724#msg12213724

You're right, that's a great thread. If anything though it just solidifies my idea that we'll never find a girl (or guy) that "turns our crank" like they did. That's a really, really depressing realization. For me, I just simply will not sacrifice looks for compatability. Some may say that's shallow but I'm looking for a girlfriend not a girl that's a friend, and I feel I have the right to want to be insanely attracted to my partner.

I want to feel like I did with my ex in a "normal" or "healthy" relationship. The more I read though the less likely that becomes. I guess it's like driving a Ferrari for a couple of months and then having it taken away from you and given a Honda Civic. Sure the Civic's a great reliable car and will compliment you and get the job done no problem. But it won't knock your socks of like the Ferrari did. You'll never forget that Ferrari, and for the rest of your life every  car you drive will be compared to it. Sadly, none will match up... .   aesthetically or performance wise.