Splitting Signs

[trampledfoot]

I am currently on almost a month NC from my ex. I am struggling with the what i am hoping will be our last break up. I was wondering how everyone else experienced splittings. For me I would almost always noticed a change in her face and her eyes, almost as if her soul was just breaking away. I especially noticed this when she would drink sometimes after only a beer or so I would see it change in her face and I knew it was coming. Then she would go into a barrage and begin just crushing me with insults or problems etc. Another big trigger was any external stressors she would experience if something didnt go EXACTLY as planned she would break down. If something was going well i would be able to prepare myself for ... .   here we go.  I was just curious as to how others experience splits could others see them coming what were some of the signs a split was coming?

[charred]

If it was in person she would see me, or if on the phone I would say "hi".

Didn't start out like that, but over time, it took less and less, till it took nothing at all.

[mitchell16]

when we first became involved and it happened the first few times I didnt know what was going on and I didnt see the signs at all. I always felt like I was sucker punched. It just came out of nowhere. But as time went by and it happened more and more. I started recognizing when it was about to happen. It all started small, and would just build. first things would be she would start getting busier at work and making excuses about spending time with me, then it would go to her texts or phone call would get less and less and avoid of any emoitions. she is very dramtic so she would go from telling me she loved me in very dramatic way to just abbrviations like LY in a text. then she would start distancing herself from anything connceted with me that would represnt my love for her or my caring for her. Like she had a necklace I bought her, when all was good with her she wore that thing like it was a religous symbol but when I started seeing all teh above things happen and then that necklace was off. It was just a matter or a day or two before all hell broke lose and she would have a major melt down and she would push me away. at first I thought I was just my imagination but that became a consistent pattern for the whole two years and nurmorus break up push away cycles. It got to where I saw the necklace off I started getting anxiety because I knew what fixing to happen. I was never wrong.

[SarahinMA]

Mine was definitely the distancing.  Towards the end, he came up with more excuses, started drinking more, and then picking more fights with me.  A lot more passive aggressiveness too- wouldn't text or call back- or would take a long time to.  One of the most interesting things was his mirroring changes.  Towards the end, it was like I was talking to a completely different person- he was starting to mirror his narcissistic best friend (gestures, phrasing, etc.)  It was really strange. 

[Pearl99]

In the beginning, I was always completed shocked when he would split. We would be having a good day and I would make some benign comment and he would either a) give me the silent treatment or b) blow up and start swearing at me or mocking me. Honestly, throughout the relationship, it was always hard to predict when he would get deeply offended and explode. I would never explode over the statements he exploded about, just everyday comments like, "the rain isn't that bad" or "thousands of people take the train everyday" or "we're getting closer [to our destination]". I always said everything in a gentle or at least neutral tone, but he viewed so many benign words as a malicious attack on him. It is so hard to understand.

Other times, I sensed that he was beginning to split. He would write everyday that he loved me, and when he was getting ready to flip out that would stop. So that was a clue. But usually, out of the blue, I would get emails telling me I needed to "fix the problem" and that our relationship was going badly. This always shocked me because it all seemed fine. I would ask him what the problem was, and he could not explain. Also, as someone else said, when our relationship would be going really well--when it seemed like we were close emotionally and just happy--there would be a fallout soon after. I started expecting that to happen. Whenever it got too good, he just couldn't allow it to stay that way. He had to create some sort of conflict. There were also times during the year when I could expect him to try to sabotage the relationship. Two years in a row, he really hurt me emotionally around my birthday, perhaps trying to cause a breakup. He also tended to go off the rails in late July and August. Regardless of whether I knew the split was coming, I had no idea how to stop it or manage it. I tried to back off a little and leave him alone when I sensed it, but even that failed. When I acted that way, I think he interpreted it to mean I didn't care, proving his whole hypothesis. When I tried to work it out and talk to him about whatever was bothering him, we just ended up talking in circles. Or, we would seem to resolve the problem, after he unloaded a ton of verbal abuse on me, only to have it pop up again days or weeks later, and usually worse.

[dsmoody23]

I always felt the splits coming the way you feel the barometer drop before a storm. Nothing you can put your finger on, but something non-tangible that you can still recognize. Like the air was slowly getting sucked out of the room we were in.

Sometimes it took a week, if I was especially good at parrying the little jabs she would take at me. Sometimes it was something that was just there when we woke up, like an electrical charge that needed to be released.

More often, it took less than a day. Something inconsequential in the morning; if I took too long getting ready or didn't particularly feel up to sex. Or if she didn't feel like I was affectionate enough, or for long enough before we got out of bed. Then it was off to the races.

She'd get slowly more and more distant, and if I questioned her about it, she'd say she was protecting herself and putting herself in a place where the things I did to hurt her wouldn't have an effect.

Then it would be a period of poking around, looking for the thing that would cause the fight and allow her to vent whatever it was she was feeling. My dogs, my job, chores, money. If I was passive, and rolled over for each of her criticisms, I could prolong this period. But regardless, it was an event that had already been set in motion and there would always, ultimately be something. I remember one 3 hour argument where I was forced to defend my behavior in one of her dreams.

If I was feeling particularly froggy, and I took the bait and actually tried to defend myself, it would speed the whole process up.

Next was her withdrawal or aggression. Into silent treatment, often entire car rides or meals in complete, utterly detached silence. Or into the bathroom to cut herself, usually after making me painfully aware that I was responsible. Or into a vicious, slowly building argument that started on a small point of contention and morphed into a sweeping indictment of everything that was wrong with me, usually ending with her telling me to get out of the house.

Then it was the entirely familiar cycle of me trying to get her back. Each time the hurdles were higher, the concessions I had to make were bigger. But finally I'd talk her down, and she'd let me come back.

Rinse, repeat. For a year.

Jesus. The more I talk about this stuff, the more I start to wonder what the hell is wrong with me. Why did I put up with this for so long?

[mitchell16]

Pearl99, I to tried to manage it once I could tell it was coming. At first when I saw the signs I tried to be closer to her and show my love for her even more. then she would get mad and say I say I was smothering her. So I started backing away and that worked for a very short while. Then i think it kicked in her abaonement issues. So once again nothing worked.

In the end, I become so emotionally dead and  felt like nothing I did would work. I once tried to exlain this to her and told her that I felt liek I could never win. She responded with " why do you always ahve to win" and "its not a competition" I again tried to explain taht it was jsuta figure of speech that I just ment that I couldnt seem to do anything right. She turned around said " your just playing the martyr" so I wouldnt say anything guess what, she would say " your just pouting" so it did matter what I did she was going get her pound of flesh so to speak.

[trampledfoot]

All of these posts seem to have the same kind of overtone to them. At first we did not know when the splits were coming and then after time and time again of the person we love emotionally detaching from us  we began to recognize little signs that something was coming.  I think what I found MOST interesting is that not one of us said we could do anything about it.  We knew this freight train was coming and we just stood on the tracks with are hands out and tried to stop it... .   I dont think in 2.5 years i was able ever to even slow it down. All that I could do was to try and avoid all the "trigger topics." 

Very late in our relationship I learned about BPD, things finally starting making sense, then I tried working through them when I knew they were coming. I would say things Like "why are you feeling this way what have I dont to cause you to feel such as this."  My point was to try and make her rationalize why she was feeling so overwhelmed, obivouly this was a complete failure and I think it did far more harm than good.  Her favorite response to this was to just ignore me.

Next was her withdrawal or aggression. Into silent treatment, often entire car rides or meals in complete, utterly detached silence. Or into the bathroom to cut herself, usually after making me painfully aware that I was responsible. Or into a vicious, slowly building argument that started on a small point of contention and morphed into a sweeping indictment of everything that was wrong with me, usually ending with her telling me to get out of the house. 

I cant even count the number of car rides or dinners that I have had like this.  All I wanted to do was to try and make things better or understand why she was feeling a certain way and I just got the silent treatment.

After  my friends told me for years "what you are going through isn't normal,"  I am finally starting to see that all of her actions were not my fault.  For me that is going to be the biggest hurdle to overcome realizing that everything was not my fault and nothing that i could have done could have made anything better. However, the feeling of powerlessness when it involves someone you love is crippling.

[Pearl99]

How frustrating, Mitchell. It sounds like she took your explanations the wrong way and viewed them as a power struggle. I experienced similar conversations. What annoyed me most was that, during these insane exchanges, he would mock me and call me hysterical. However, I was the one keeping calm and trying to stay focused on understanding and resolving the problem. I never once flew off the handle and started crying or freaking out, yet I was portrayed as illogical and crazy.

I also know what you mean about becoming emotionally dead at the end. By the end, I felt I had tried every communication strategy I knew. I tried to be the mild, patient, submissive woman he claimed to want, and let him lead and make all the decisions. That didn't work. It made him think I was desperate and had no communication skills. I tried to be helpful, smart, and contribute my ideas. That didn't work either. Then I was a controlling woman who always had to get her way. It was a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" predicament. I gave my all to keeping the relationship together, but I just couldn't do it alone anymore, and I couldn't communicate my feelings and concerns without him getting offended. After the last horrific rage explosion in public, I finally had enough, walked out, and never once turned back. I still love him and think he will always be in my heart, but unless he does a 180, I can't imagine how anyone could make a long-term relationship or marriage work with him.

[mitchell16]

yes. she always did. No matter what I said she would just twist it to fit her owns needs or justfications. BUt it was like that on everything. If I cleaned the house for her, I didnt do it right. So if I didnt clean the house, I was lazy. If pursued her durng our break ups I was obsessed and smothered her. If I didnt i had someone else or I really didnt love that much to start with. I wanted sex that all I was concerned about, If I didnt I just wasnt in to hr anymore and I ws making her feel unattractive. That part I think was just a serous controll issue for her. I think she liked for me to want to have sex with her just so She could turn me. I mean think about, If I pursues hr it validated her that she was all that and then it gave her power to just turn me down. I think it was the same thing if she raged at me and pushed me away. If I pursued her in validated her that she wasnt all that bad becasue if she was why would I want her. She even told me that one time when I pointed out how bad she treated me. She said if im so bad why do you stay with. I have to give it to her on that Point becasue she was right, why did I stay.

[trampledfoot]

If I pursued her in validated her that she wasnt all that bad becasue if she was why would I want her. She even told me that one time when I pointed out how bad she treated me. She said if im so bad why do you stay with. I have to give it to her on that Point becasue she was right, why did I stay.

I dealt with this on a daily basis constantly having to defend our relationship i felt like i was fighting every single day to keep us afloat.  She would always say things like "maybe you should find someone you love if I make you so upset then maybe you should find someone new." 

[mitchell16]

trampledfoot, Heard that one more times then I can count. at one point she even staretd pointing out people we knew that she thought I should date. WTH. but I always felt that was just trap to test me to see if I was intereste din someone else. I took the bait one time. she told me she was done with me, to date other women. She broke up withme didnt talk me for about two weeks. So i asked a girl out we went out twice. Nothing special. It didnt click. I never asked her out anymore. end of it. The let myself be recycled. she asked me did i date anybody else while was apart. I told her I went out a couple of times. It was terrible she verabbly beat me up with this for months whenever she got mad that was her go to argument from then on. Funny thing was she went out with guy while was broke up and I didnt say whole lot about. But Oh yeah I forgot that was diffrent according to her. Nothing make sense.

[trampledfoot]

mitchell16

So weird she did the exact same thing to me we had been broke up and she had noticed i become friends on facebook (i have since deleted it as it wasnt good for our relationship) with someone she had worked with before. She told me she is a really cool chick you should hang out with her and i did i hung out with her a handful of times and realized there wasnt much there. Then we recycled and this girl become a constant focus for her someone she would incessantly bring up to cut me down. You cant get anyone normal you go out with girls like her.  Funny part is this girl was very normal and cool just not much chemistry between us. Such weird similarities

[expos]

Splitting Signs

- No happiness.  Just anger and depression. 

- A co-worker's husband would get a raise.  Jealously ensued and she would get mad at me for not getting a raise or promotion as frequently as she'd like.

- Ignoring me on trips to her parent's house.  I'd be left sitting on their couch while she'd follow her mom around for the entire week.

- Her literally wincing when I leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

- Warning, Graphic:  Her telling me to cum quicker during sex.

I took all of things very personally, as I should have.   But I just know that the next guy will suffer my fate sooner or later.  Can't fix crazy.

[Take2]

"Can't fix crazy"

So so true.  Why do I keep trying?   Three years in, or out depending on how you look at it since I am dumped at least every other day now.  Its only gotten worse and worse

I can tell from the first word of the way if that split is happening.

Its so horrible today that it was truly like seeing a completely different person in his face.

A very angry, cruel person.

Each time I have thought was the final end.

Its gotta be now... .