All that PLUS Borderline?
Actually, I think all of this is a symptom of his BPD. He lost his job due to disrespectful behavior (after many previous years of exemplary performance) and I believe it started the dark spell we're in now which was escalating slowly but recently began escalating much more quickly.
#1 Get a Job. Make sure you can support you (and whatever) on your money alone.
#2 Individual Bank Accounts.
#3 You keep the house in order (rent, or payments, and/or utilities, etc.)
Job: Fully my intent but hindered at the moment due to an injury (purely accidental)
Bank accounts: We've always had separate (but joint) accounts but it was never an issue. We do have kids and some of those I receive child support for. "My" account and the money in it was to be used for groceries and whatever I wanted to. "His" account was for paying bills. We have been married for several years and this was NEVER an issue until the past few months. He did a complete 180 and it's rather unsettling. I have put in a call to our accountant and am still waiting to hear back from him.
Keeping the house in order: No idea how to approach this. He handled it much better than I would have for several years. No issues at all until the last 4-5 months. I didn't even know there was an issue until 2 days ago. Since he is in denial about his BPD and has hidden this money issue from me, I don't know how I would suddenly insist that I should be in charge of it. For most of our marriage we mutually agreed to let him handle most of the bills simply because he was better at it and I hated it and he did just fine. Lately, when I began to question a few things it ended up escalating into his saying that I am horrible with money and that's why he can't let me into the account, etc. I now know that's projection but since he won't admit to any mishandling of money, I have nothing to justify my insisting on handling it now.
Setting a boundary here is even difficult. I know if I insist on more honesty about our finances, he will refuse as he has been doing. So what option do I have there? If I force him to leave, I will have all the bills and no money! So confused and really just wish our accountant would call back and give me some clarity on all this!