In a panic

[byasliver]

Two things: first, finally was able to log into our joint banking account (after several years of this not being an issue, suddenly he was being evasive about letting me log in) and before the page even loaded I got a text from him asking if I had logged in... .   kinda freaky. I was truthful and told him I did and tried to play it off and change the subject but now he's not answering texts

Second, I just got confirmation that we have a LARGE debt that I did not know about at all. Totally in a panic and can't get in touch with our accountant to get more info. The money was an overpayment of severance pay from his previous job. From the time he received the payment to when he was told it was overpayment was only a matter of a few months. There should have been no reason why he couldn't just turn around and give the full amount right back. However, he's been making payments instead and the money is not in our account. He is not working and talked me into quitting my job so we have NO income right now and paying our bills and repaying this loan will put us completely broke in a short amount of time - we might have a year at best. I am shaking and terrified!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Somewhere]

All that PLUS Borderline?

Your panic seems reasonable.

This type stuff applies whether you are . . .  Stay, Dunno, or Go . . .

===============

Borderline folks are not the best at long-term planning and thinking even on a good day.

You (we / I) need to make sure things are really taken care of upfront and first.  That is the burden of the Non.  Especially if there are kids about, which I guess is not your case.  You are dealing with a Mental Illness.

#1 Get a Job.  Make sure you can support you (and whatever) on your money alone.

#2 Individual Bank Accounts.

#3 You keep the house in order (rent, or payments, and/or utilities, etc.)

[byasliver]

All that PLUS Borderline?

Actually, I think all of this is a symptom of his BPD. He lost his job due to disrespectful behavior (after many previous years of exemplary performance) and I believe it started the dark spell we're in now which was escalating slowly but recently began escalating much more quickly.

#1 Get a Job.  Make sure you can support you (and whatever) on your money alone.

#2 Individual Bank Accounts.

#3 You keep the house in order (rent, or payments, and/or utilities, etc.)

Job: Fully my intent but hindered at the moment due to an injury (purely accidental)

Bank accounts: We've always had separate (but joint) accounts but it was never an issue. We do have kids and some of those I receive child support for. "My" account and the money in it was to be used for groceries and whatever I wanted to. "His" account was for paying bills. We have been married for several years and this was NEVER an issue until the past few months. He did a complete 180 and it's rather unsettling. I have put in a call to our accountant and am still waiting to hear back from him.

Keeping the house in order: No idea how to approach this. He handled it much better than I would have for several years. No issues at all until the last 4-5 months. I didn't even know there was an issue until 2 days ago. Since he is in denial about his BPD and has hidden this money issue from me, I don't know how I would suddenly insist that I should be in charge of it. For most of our marriage we mutually agreed to let him handle most of the bills simply because he was better at it and I hated it and he did just fine. Lately, when I began to question a few things it ended up escalating into his saying that I am horrible with money and that's why he can't let me into the account, etc. I now know that's projection but since he won't admit to any mishandling of money, I have nothing to justify my insisting on handling it now.

Setting a boundary here is even difficult. I know if I insist on more honesty about our finances, he will refuse as he has been doing. So what option do I have there? If I force him to leave, I will have all the bills and no money! So confused and really just wish our accountant would call back and give me some clarity on all this!

[byasliver]

And it keeps getting more interesting: I just discovered the existence of a secret bank account. I don't know what bank, what's in it, etc. but he made a payment for something and it has the acct last 4 and that doesn't match up with any account I know of. 

[Cloudy Days]

Well I was just going to say, my husband and I went through something a bit similar but not quite. He was collecting unemployment for a long time. He finally ran out and they told him to try collecting in the state we live in, he was working in a different state than he was living in. Anyways, they came back and said yes, but then a few days later we got a letter in the mail from the other state saying he owes almost $13,000 to the state because of a mistake they had made. Payment was due in full and they said they would take legal action if ignored.

So we filed for Bankruptcy, had no choice. Also wanted to say that I control our money and we still fight about money. Last time I tried to sit down with my husband, (because he asked) we got into a huge fight and I was told that I am terrible at handling our money and that he should have never trusted me and blah, blah, blah. He tried to make a rule that he handles the money from now on. Never gonna happen unless he starts making all the money, then I still handle my money cause he just can't be trusted with it. I'm a bit of a worry wort so it was never an option to let my husband control the money. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I had no idea.

[byasliver]

Thanks, Cloudy. He was always so responsible and open with money before. This is just so out of character. I did finally hear from one of his therapists but it wasn't encouraging at all. She just kept saying she thinks he's "a bit stressed"