Does BPD get progessively worse?

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife's behavior appears to be getting progressively worse over the last year or so.  I know I've mentioned it before, but she has been in a terrible mood approximately two-thirds of the days since the first of the year.

This past week, she had one good day (Wednesday).  She asked me to plan a day for the family on Saturday.  On Thursday, she asked me what I had planned.  I had been  very busy at work that day had not planned anything.  This triggered the silent treatment.  I planned a day of shopping and lunch at her favorite restaurant for Saturday and we went.  She was miserable the whole time and made no effort to hide it.  At the restaurant, she wouldn't even look up and speak to the waiter.  He had to ask me what she said.  She sat with her head down, acknowledging no one and barely touching her food.  She scarcely spoke the whole day.

When we got home she said, "Have I fulfilled my obligation for the day?", went into the bedroom, closed the door and did not say a word to me or the children the rest of the evening.

This sort of thing is unfortunately not unusual with her, but it definitely seems that the bad moods are now lasting for several days at a time with only a short break of a day or two until the next one hits.

If this is going to get worse, I can't take it.  I am not an angry person, but I am starting to feel intense anger with her. I don't want to be around her when she is like this, but I feel like I have to be. 

I do find myself imagining life without her, actually being free to do what I want.  Take a class, go on a trip, even work an hour or two late to get caught up.  These things that most people would consider no big deal are absolutely unthinkable in this relationship.

Has anyone else experienced a spouse who progressively worsened?  If so, were you able to turn it around?

[Indiana]

My wife's behavior appears to be getting progressively worse over the last year or so.  I know I've mentioned it before, but she has been in a terrible mood approximately two-thirds of the days since the first of the year.

This past week, she had one good day (Wednesday).  She asked me to plan a day for the family on Saturday.  On Thursday, she asked me what I had planned.  I had been  very busy at work that day had not planned anything.  This triggered the silent treatment.  I planned a day of shopping and lunch at her favorite restaurant for Saturday and we went.  She was miserable the whole time and made no effort to hide it.  At the restaurant, she wouldn't even look up and speak to the waiter.  He had to ask me what she said.  She sat with her head down, acknowledging no one and barely touching her food.  She scarcely spoke the whole day.

When we got home she said, "Have I fulfilled my obligation for the day?", went into the bedroom, closed the door and did not say a word to me or the children the rest of the evening.

This sort of thing is unfortunately not unusual with her, but it definitely seems that the bad moods are now lasting for several days at a time with only a short break of a day or two until the next one hits.

If this is going to get worse, I can't take it.  I am not an angry person, but I am starting to feel intense anger with her. I don't want to be around her when she is like this, but I feel like I have to be. 

I do find myself imagining life without her, actually being free to do what I want.  Take a class, go on a trip, even work an hour or two late to get caught up.  These things that most people would consider no big deal are absolutely unthinkable in this relationship.

Has anyone else experienced a spouse who progressively worsened?  If so, were you able to turn it around?

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[atcrossroads]

Indiana, I'm sorry to say, but yes, in my case it got MUCH worse.  My husband and I are now separated (I'm scrolling through all the boards) but we had really good years in our early marriage.  Last year was a breaking point (he actually melted down at work and was COMPLETELY dysregulated) -- he became irate at every and anything and eventually that included me.  I was definitely painted black, and no,  we never recovered.  I don't think he's doing well.  I have made my decision and feel sad of course but he wasn't the same person I married. 

DBT counseling is supposed to work pretty well - also learn and use the tools.  I think all of that was too late for us (my husband actually started and quit dBT, so... .   who knows?).

Some people can handle it better than others.  I wouldn't give up yet, but if I were you, I'd be researching and reading all I could.  Best wishes and remember to take care of yourself.

[eviscerated]

I suspect that like a progressive disease it will only get worse if the BPD partner refuses to acknowledgethat something is dangerously wrong. I've spent the better part of two years trying to counter the episodes with healthy and affirming behavior. Arranging for marital counseling she terminated it in a rage after the third meeting, agreeing to return only if her abuses, continuing drug abuse and an on-line affair were take off the table. We were only to discuss my issues. She's simply ratched up the emotional and physical violence to new levels each time I refuse to engage and continues the war until I break. Last Friday night I forgot to bring a carryout salad up tp the bedroom for her. My failure to "hear" turned into my 30 year inability to listen, a sore jaw and scratches to the face. Pursuing a "no defense" approach - allowing her to hit, punch, scratch and abuse me verbally has allowed her to explore new emotional triggers for hours on end as she replays every recycled and reformulated event from a lifetime together. Leaving the scene has become more difficult as she upped the stakes and threatens suicide. She's done in a few times with large doses of dangerous meds, so its hard to know when its a manipulatve behavior and when its real. Its far enough along that she no longer reverts to the "clinging" phase and simply retreats to "slow burn"... .   that simmering anger that we know is ever present but ready to erupt into another cycle at any moment. The painful and difficult realization is that we can't change it. Loving this person is not enough when we are on the verge of losing ourselves. My intellect tells me I can do it and end the abuse by leaving, but my faith tells me I have to continue and persevere and my heart struggles on thinking this once loving and beautiful soul might return to some level I once able to manage. I already feel lost and unable to rescue ME. Then again, thats part of the lie and narrative I once allowed in. If you can't force at least a part of the genie back into the bottle through positive reinforcement, life affirming behaviors and minimal recognition by the other of the problem... .   it is a tragically lost cause. All you can do is begin to work of restoring your dignity, self respect and hope.

[WalrusGumboot]

Indiana, it was my experience and probably the majority here that it gets worse. It is hard to know if the cause is the illness itself or whether we get weaker and less able to respond in healthy ways, or some combination of both.

What I can see from your post is that you are getting increasingly angry. Whether you are committed to staying or not, you must start getting proactive on improving your state of mind or I can guarantee things will swiftly deteriorate... .

Good luck!

[Grey Kitty]

Indiana, There are a lot of variables here, about things getting better or worse.

My wife of 20+ years had very occasional incidents that I didn't worry much about. Around five years ago, they started to become more frequent and/or more virulent. A year and a half ago, things got really bad. Her verbal abuse of me was starting to become physical. (And she was starting to self-injure)

Soon after, I decided she probably had BPD, and I found this forum. I made some big changes in myself.

First I set some boundaries to avoid being raged at.

I tried to validate. For me, validation is often very hard to do, and sometimes I just can't think of a sincere way to do it. I still don't think I'm as good as I would like to be at validation.

I figured out where I was doing invalidating things and stopped that. For me, this was easier to be consistent with than validation--at least I could stop making it worse!

After I made these changes, my wife started changing for the better as well. There were bumps in the road... .   some of them huge... .   but things really did start getting better.

In short:

1. Things started getting worse/accelerating I think that once the trend starts going, it is likely to continue.

2. When I understood my role and changed it, things started getting better. This one can get momentum too.

Have you read the Lessons here on the staying board? There is a LOT of good material to read there.

[Wanda]

 

I am a little differnt here but i can give u a differnt side i have been married 15 years we have been together 3 years before that.   at first things were really bad. and now 15  years later THings are so much better. THings improved he is 48 now.  i worked the tools and skills , and set alot of boundaries and  things got better but he is high functioning... .

now we are going through after 14 year of him having a job, he went to an differnt job better benefits more pay, and four days later they let him go not his fault, they didn't give him a chance.  

but he is doing well concidering.  Holding it together.    oh ! and he is undiagnoised... . every one is differnt  and if they are willing to change  that makes a difference also... .  IT helps my husband is a 25 year recovered alcoholic.

and i also made it clear to him we went through this before and this was a bad time for us before i knew about BPD, i made it clear i will not go through it again... . so far so good. but all this is really frustrating.   things started changing when i started changing .

[VeryFree]

They certainly got worse.

At first there was just some strange behaviour, it went to painting me black, trying to pick fights and harrassing me. It took 10 years to evolve to hell.

[Auspicious]

It's also possible that there is something besides BPD at work here - such as clinical depression or rapid cycling bipolar.

In any case, there's not much that you can do to "turn it around". You can read our Lessons, learn better ways to communicate, protect yourself with boundaries, and do what you can to try to keep things healthy for you and your children.

But the only thing likely to help your wife long term is proper assessment and treatment.