She told me to hit her one night

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This was maybe 3 or 4 months into dating. One night she was really depressed (whe was depressed a lot) and she said to me, "Why are you so good to me? Be mean to me! Hit me!" as she was crying, and she wouldn't let up on the subject. It was probably one of the most disturbing moments of my life. She also said in middle of sex (later on), "Enjoy, because this will be the last time." I immediately stopped and asked her what the hell was going on with her, but she went all silent, turned over, then started to cry profusely. After a while of me cuddling and comforting her, she turned back over and started to kiss me and then apologized. Next day she was OK again. Just REALLY strange behavior.

For the record, we got along great; never argued. I remember her once saying she wished we would get into a big fight just so we could have make up sex... .  

What do you think of this behavior?

[paperlung]

This was maybe 3 or 4 months into dating. One night she was really depressed (whe was depressed a lot) and she said to me, "Why are you so good to me? Be mean to me! Hit me!" as she was crying, and she wouldn't let up on the subject. It was probably one of the most disturbing moments of my life. She also said in middle of sex (later on), "Enjoy, because this will be the last time." I immediately stopped and asked her what the hell was going on with her, but she went all silent, turned over, then started to cry profusely. After a while of me cuddling and comforting her, she turned back over and started to kiss me and then apologized. Next day she was OK again. Just REALLY strange behavior.

For the record, we got along great; never argued. I remember her once saying she wished we would get into a big fight just so we could have make up sex... .  

What do you think of this behavior?

[mtmc01]

Mine did this a few times when she was drunk as well (she was an alcoholic).

[pallavirajsinghani]

What do you think of this behavior?

It seems to me that her emotions were out of control.  In the sense that a non-BPD sufferer can and does hold steady emotions.  That is, relatively steadier emotions.  The emotions of a BPD sufferer are intense and change too quickly.  This phenomenon is sometimes also noticeable in the way they speak.  In a manner of 3 sentences, their emotions can run an entire gamut of I hate you, don't leave me.  I wish you were dead, let us get married tomorrow... .  

Looks like you experienced a similar strong shift of emotions.  Also you experienced emotions that were not quite related to the action that was occurring at the moment... .   phenomenon knows as dissociation.  Further, the intensity of the emotion was stronger than the impetus.

[paperlung]

What do you think of this behavior?

It seems to me that her emotions were out of control.  In the sense that a non-BPD sufferer can and does hold steady emotions.  That is, relatively steadier emotions.  The emotions of a BPD sufferer are intense and change too quickly.  This phenomenon is sometimes also noticeable in the way they speak.  In a manner of 3 sentences, their emotions can run an entire gamut of I hate you, don't leave me.  I wish you were dead, let us get married tomorrow... .  

Looks like you experienced a similar strong shift of emotions.  Also you experienced emotions that were not quite related to the action that was occurring at the moment... .   phenomenon knows as dissociation.  Further, the intensity of the emotion was stronger than the impetus.

My ex never said she hated me or painted me evil out of nowhere; so I guess she wasn't the rage type? I think the term for her would be the waif.

There were a couple of times she would tell me she was breaking up with me suddenly without much explanation other than "The spark is gone. We don't connect anymore. Can't relate." But then she'd be back in love with me the next day and apologize for her saying those things.

Over time she made me feel I wasn't enough for her. That I didn't understand her like the man from England did. I wasn't emotional enough for her. I did everything she asked from me, but it was never enough to keep her happy.

[trevjim]

I heard that a few times, she was in a physicaly abusive relationship before me so I figured it stemed from that but maybe it was the BPD aswell.

[paperlung]

Other weird behaviors I remember.

Sometimes on nice, sunny days we'd be stuck in side her bedroom for one reason or another (usually because she was either feeling anxious, depressed or unwell because of her period) and I'd said say, "Man, it's such a nice day. I wish we could go do something." And she'd flip out at me and say, "Then why don't you just break up with me?" She used that line quite a bit.

One night I made plans to go see a movie with my brother and this young boy we knew from work. He was going through a hard time in his life at the time so we wanted to cheer him up. He always liked hanging around us at work. I told my at the time girlfriend this and she seemed fine with it. Then... .   about an hour before I was supposed to go meet my brother and the kid at the theater she started to say she wasn't feeling good and was about to have a nervous breakdown. She told me I had to take her to the hospital... .   So I call my brother up and tell him I can't go. A minute later my phone rings and my mom's questioning me why I can't go all of a sudden. I explain to her that my girlfriend (at the time) wasn't feeling good and needed to go to the hospital. My mom for some reason decided to make a big deal about me bailing on the movie and said, "You promised you would, blah, blah. How about I take her to the hospital and you could to the movies with them?" I tell her no and then the conversation ends shortly after that. Now my girlfriend has locked herself in her bathroom and won't come out. I ask her what's the matter and she tells me she's feeling better and that I can go to the movies. I stand outside the bathroom for 5 minutes asking her if she's REALLY okay with it but she convinced me she was, so I went to the movies. But of course, it turned out to be a test and I got raged at afterwards for choosing to go to the movies instead of looking after her. Le sigh.

Anytime I complimented her, told her how pretty she looked, she'd just say, "Uh huh... .   sure". It got to the point where I just stopped trying and then SHE started to complain eventually how I never complimented her. X_X Same goes for kissing she'd always make an excuse, "I just ate something, my breath probably stinks, I didn't brush my teeth." so agian... .   I stopped trying after a while andddddd then she started to complain how I never kissed her anymore. UGH

[GreenMango]

Sometimes on nice, sunny days we'd be stuck in side her bedroom for one reason or another (usually because she was either feeling anxious, depressed or unwell because of her period) and I'd said say, "Man, it's such a nice day. I wish we could go do something." And she'd flip out at me and say, "Then why don't you just break up with me?" She used that line quite a bit.

Obviously it was not intended to be a judgment towards her - or rejection = abandonment.  But what happened here is you expressed a dissatisfaction which she equated to her unworthiness.  BPD = fear of abandonment or rejection

One night I made plans to go see a movie with my brother and this young boy we knew from work. He was going through a hard time in his life at the time so we wanted to cheer him up. He always liked hanging around us at work. I told my at the time girlfriend this and she seemed fine with it. Then... .   about an hour before I was supposed to go meet my brother and the kid at the theater she started to say she wasn't feeling good and was about to have a nervous breakdown. She told me I had to take her to the hospital... .   So I call my brother up and tell him I can't go. A minute later my phone rings and my mom's questioning me why I can't go all of a sudden. I explain to her that my girlfriend (at the time) wasn't feeling good and needed to go to the hospital. My mom for some reason decided to make a big deal about me bailing on the movie and said, "You promised you would, blah, blah. How about I take her to the hospital and you could to the movies with them?" I tell her no and then the conversation ends shortly after that. Now my girlfriend has locked herself in her bathroom and won't come out. I ask her what's the matter and she tells me she's feeling better and that I can go to the movies. I stand outside the bathroom for 5 minutes asking her if she's REALLY okay with it but she convinced me she was, so I went to the movies. But of course, it turned out to be a test and I got raged at afterwards for choosing to go to the movies instead of looking after her. Le sigh.

This is the attachment part of the disorder.  Her need to be chosen first in all circumstances equates to you loving her. It's insecurity - and a very dysfunctional test.

Anytime I complimented her, told her how pretty she looked, she'd just say, "Uh huh... .   sure". It got to the point where I just stopped trying and then SHE started to complain eventually how I never complimented her. X_X Same goes for kissing she'd always make an excuse, "I just ate something, my breath probably stinks, I didn't brush my teeth." so agian... .   I stopped trying after a while andddddd then she started to complain how I never kissed her anymore. UGH

This is what is known as a no-win situation, or a double-bind.  Here it's manifested in her fluctuating emotions.  One day she feels less than - nothing you are going to say is going to change that.  The next day you are less than - not reassuring enough or desire her enough.

Hard to keep up when someone has extreme emotional responses like this.  The disorder is one of inconsistency in emotions, thoughts and behaviors.  Hard to know which way is up sometimes.

Keep reading and posting.  It will get easier.

[paperlung]

Thanks, GreenMango. I always enjoy reading your posts.

Like I've said in other threads. I never got to do anything without her guilt tripping me in some form or another.

[paperlung]

And just last month (before NC) she sent me text in the morning basically stating how happy she was feeling about her future/how she knew she was going to get better, ect. Very optimistic. Then, after school, I go over to her place in the evening and she is VERY depressed. Talking about just wanting to die, saying I won't mean anything to her 10 years down the road, how she'll be just a distant memory to me, see's herself dying young. Just really, really dark talk. I ended up going to bed before her that night, but she ended up waking me by accident, apologizes, and then starts to get sexual with me. :S

[GreenMango]

A lot of emotional volatility in 24 hours to deal with.  That's a rollercoaster in one day. 

Paperlung - I wish there was a better explanation other than the disorder is marked by that volatility you experienced.  Highs to lows, lows to highs and then the behavior that follows can be confusing too.  It's chaotic.

[MaybeSo]

What you are describing is a person who is suffering from a serious mental illness; asking you to hit her is reminiscent of childhood abuse and/or extreme self hatred or both. There is often a strong need to re-inact past trauma and abuse. This is very sad. This is what serious mental illness looks like.

[wanttoknowmore]

My pwBPD while dysregulated and raging suddenly used to start yelling " just kill me... . I am tired of everything... .   please kill me... . get your gun and kill me" I used to get baffled and scared by this. She knew I never owned a gun and in fact, I am against owning a firearm. It was puzzling and I could never find hidden meaning of this.

[mitchell16]

mine never asked me to hit her. That would have been scary. But mine would often explode with rage if I question any behavior. One night she got mad at me and started screaming in the phone at me. I was very confused about why she was even mad at me. I didnt do anything ,matter of fact, I was trying to solve a problem she had asked my help with but nothing i did or suggested was good enough. Anyway she got mad and hung up on me and refused t talk to me the rest of the night. The next day in calm voice I asked her what I had done wrong and why did she have to act the way she did. I didnt deserve to be treated that way. She raged that she knew she was worthless, cruel and rotten B****. I said I didnt say that I was just asking to try in make our communcation better, she said I didnt have to say it she knew she was. But it awlays like that. now she did accuse me of wanting to hit her and I would be just shocked when she said that. Once she was raging at me and I got mad and left. when I left I slammed the door behind me and went for a drive to give it a cool down period. When I got back she told me I better not ever get violent with her again. I said what are you talking about. She said when I slammed the door it was aggressive behavior towards her. once again I was speechless because that was the furthest thing from my mind. I would say it was from past relationship that made her feel this way but she awlays denied ever being assulted. Another trick she would pull was telling me that her sister was worried that I was going to hurt her. my mouth fell open, I would say why would she think that. She would say she thinks you have a violent streak. I was again speechless. Maybe this not the same but it was always very confusing the things that would come out of her mouth.

[MaybeSo]

Yup, mental illness is very confusing. 

That fact that it makes no sense is what makes it a mental illness.  It probably does make sense on some level if we understand that their brain is telling them that their perceptions are real and we all usually assume our brains are giving us decent information, when it's not giving us good information and we act on it as thought it is,  we look crazy but we don't know we look crazy because we are not aware that our brains are giving us bad data... .  

it's the absolute crazy making bizarre stuff going on in present time which draws notice from others and makes it apparent that something is very wrong and this is a mental disorder. 

The trap we as partners fall into is personalizing their bad data output as having something important to do with our value or worth or identity.  At this point, our brains are also giving us some bad data and for quite a while, most of us are unaware that we are operating on bad data, also. 

That is why it is called CRAZY MAKING.

[mitchell16]

MaybeSo, You are so right.

[grad]

She wanted you to hold her.  What they say and what they want are not always the same

[struggli]

Very early on in the relationship (maybe first few weeks of knowing each other), my ex asked me to "give her a mark" and held out her arm.  I asked what she meant.  She said "Hurt me to show me you love me" with a smile on her face.  I refused.  She seemed confused as to why I wouldn't honor the request but never brought it up again.

Later in the relationship I was "abusive" for giving her a faint bruise on her arm (she is very fair skinned and borderline anemic, so bruises come easy) when she was flipping out and I was trying to restrain her.

I agree on the bad data thing.  I feel like my "hard drive" needs to be "re-formatted."

Even 8 months later, new contradictions -- which have been previously difficult to link together or even recall -- have come to the forefront of my thoughts.

[paperlung]

She wanted you to hold her.  What they say and what they want are not always the same

No way, man. I'd hold her all the time. I just think she couldn't comprehend how nice and caring I was. She probably wanted me to treat her the way she thought she deserved to be treated.

[GreenMango]

When someone thinks everyone will eventually hurt them works its way out in a relationship in really screwed up fashion.

Paperlung youre young... .   please learn everything you can about what a healthy relationship looks like and boundaries/your values.  Experience is priceless.

[paperlung]

When someone thinks everyone will eventually hurt them works its way out in a relationship in really screwed up fashion.

Paperlung youre young... .   please learn everything you can about what a healthy relationship looks like and boundaries/your values.  Experience is priceless.

I actually set up an appointment today to see a therapist on the 20th. She specializes in BPD, anxiety, depression, and trauma. I hope it will help!

[GreenMango]

It will.  Good for you for doing this for yourself.

We can all learn a bit on what to do that is healthier for us.

There are some great books out there on this stuff too.  The personal inventory/building new relationships boards have some great threads on it also.

Keep moving forward.

[grad]

She wanted you to hold her.  What they say and what they want are not always the same

No way, man. I'd hold her all the time. I just think she couldn't comprehend how nice and caring I was. She probably wanted me to treat her the way she thought she deserved to be treated.

I experienced a similar passive-aggressive behavior from my ex and it took me 2 months after we split to figure out what she really was wanting when she "wanted to go home" suddenly as we were going upstairs to bed.  Basically instead of going into what she knew would eventually lead to sex (getting in bed with me), she diverted to a tense situation where she wanted me to hold her, reaffirm my commitment to her, and that i wanted her to stay with me.  She also didn't want to have sex which would show the r/s was more than just physical. 

What they're doing is creating a tense, odd situation.  I have no doubt she didn't think she deserved you, it's a key BPD trait.  However, how you react to this can show whether or not you TRULY do love them.  A person who is "in love" per se would respond with a sort of deep emotional pain that the person they love is asking for something so egregious.  She was hurting inside and felt like you would eventually abandon her when things got rough, so instead of asking for you to hold and comfort her, and find out what she was really feeling inside, she asked for you to hit her.  In essence, she was wanting you to understand and invalidate what she was feeling, validate what you really felt towards her, reaffirm that she the only person for you, and that you would never get violent with the love of your life.  You probably responded with disbelief  which they read as frustration and not real love.

Understand that these people need more than need itself and will test you in very odd and dangerous ways.