Why BPDs end relationships, from a BPD sufferer, hope this helps someone

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is from the website www.showard76.wordpress.com/2012/02/20/what-happens-when-a-person-with-BPD-ends-a-relationship/

"This is my personal story of ending a relationship from the perspective of the BPD sufferer…

I hope this goes some way to showing how the way a person with BPD un-attaches from people who get too close to them, as this is something I am currently going through myself. I plan to follow it up with a more in-depth look at attachment and detachment in BPD.

I think the best way to help other’s be more aware is by sharing your story and this is what I am doing here. The more those of us with experience of BPD, either as sufferers or people close to sufferers, share our stories the greater understanding will become of this terrible condition that causes so much damage in people’s lives.

People with BPD want, need and crave closeness, love and attachment just as much as anyone else does, but unfortunately our self destructive tendencies and ingrained fear of abandonment can cause us to push away the very people who are willing to give us those things out of our own fear of them eventually leaving/abandoning us and/or a desire to not cause them any further harm due to our impulsive, reckless behaviour.

BPD tears me into pieces, I love honestly and deeply, yet at the same time my worries and fears can cause me to hate the very same person that I love so very much. Constantly yoyo-ing between loving and hating a person is exhausting, draining and makes me feel unworthy of love, because I know I just end up hurting people and I don’t want to do that but cannot stop myself.

One day hopefully I will gain control over this and be able to allow someone to get close to me again. For now though I have bought up the barriers – everyone will be kept at arms length from my heart and mind because I just do not want to hurt any more people who love me, ever again.

I am going to be moving out, splitting up with my partner because he deserves better than anything I can ever give him.

Staying with a BPD partner who is unmedicated and not receiving treatment is something I personally would advise against, I know this sounds like the horrible BS crap that usually makes even me cringe when I read it on other websites about BPD, but this is the reality I am living with right now.

Yes, we can be very loving and giving, wonderful, kind people, but we hurt those who get closest to us. I am determined that I will not enter another relationship with anyone or let anyone get too close to me in future, unless one day I am in better control with the help of medication and treatment, but I don’t know if or when that time will come.

In the meantime my ability to manipulate and cheat, and painting my partner as the ‘bad’ one due to ‘splitting’ are just slowly killing him.

Part of me loves him deeply and wants us to be okay, but part of me doesn’t want him, finds him controlling and while those two parts are at war I am doing the ‘wrong’ things and getting more and more ill myself as the burdens of guilt, fear, anger, and hurt build to volcanic proportions.

I don’t want him to end up hating me any more than he should already, so breaking his heart now (and yes I am running away too) is better than the car crash that is inevitable if I stay."

[jaird]

This is from the website www.showard76.wordpress.com/2012/02/20/what-happens-when-a-person-with-BPD-ends-a-relationship/

"This is my personal story of ending a relationship from the perspective of the BPD sufferer…

I hope this goes some way to showing how the way a person with BPD un-attaches from people who get too close to them, as this is something I am currently going through myself. I plan to follow it up with a more in-depth look at attachment and detachment in BPD.

I think the best way to help other’s be more aware is by sharing your story and this is what I am doing here. The more those of us with experience of BPD, either as sufferers or people close to sufferers, share our stories the greater understanding will become of this terrible condition that causes so much damage in people’s lives.

People with BPD want, need and crave closeness, love and attachment just as much as anyone else does, but unfortunately our self destructive tendencies and ingrained fear of abandonment can cause us to push away the very people who are willing to give us those things out of our own fear of them eventually leaving/abandoning us and/or a desire to not cause them any further harm due to our impulsive, reckless behaviour.

BPD tears me into pieces, I love honestly and deeply, yet at the same time my worries and fears can cause me to hate the very same person that I love so very much. Constantly yoyo-ing between loving and hating a person is exhausting, draining and makes me feel unworthy of love, because I know I just end up hurting people and I don’t want to do that but cannot stop myself.

One day hopefully I will gain control over this and be able to allow someone to get close to me again. For now though I have bought up the barriers – everyone will be kept at arms length from my heart and mind because I just do not want to hurt any more people who love me, ever again.

I am going to be moving out, splitting up with my partner because he deserves better than anything I can ever give him.

Staying with a BPD partner who is unmedicated and not receiving treatment is something I personally would advise against, I know this sounds like the horrible BS crap that usually makes even me cringe when I read it on other websites about BPD, but this is the reality I am living with right now.

Yes, we can be very loving and giving, wonderful, kind people, but we hurt those who get closest to us. I am determined that I will not enter another relationship with anyone or let anyone get too close to me in future, unless one day I am in better control with the help of medication and treatment, but I don’t know if or when that time will come.

In the meantime my ability to manipulate and cheat, and painting my partner as the ‘bad’ one due to ‘splitting’ are just slowly killing him.

Part of me loves him deeply and wants us to be okay, but part of me doesn’t want him, finds him controlling and while those two parts are at war I am doing the ‘wrong’ things and getting more and more ill myself as the burdens of guilt, fear, anger, and hurt build to volcanic proportions.

I don’t want him to end up hating me any more than he should already, so breaking his heart now (and yes I am running away too) is better than the car crash that is inevitable if I stay."

[healingmyheart]

I personally find this BPD sufferer to be very insightful.  I wonder how many BPD people can truly understand their feelings to this degree. 

I know my ex would first of all never admit he has a problem.  I wonder why some can accept it and move forward with treatment and others sit in denial. I would give anything to have my ex "cured" from this horrific disorder but that will never happen hence I'm moving on... .  

[LetItBe]

Thanks for sharing, jaird.  I think my uBPDbf could write the exact same words.

[fakename]

Thanks for sharing.

Although it makes me feel sympathy and want to try again. Haha

[jaird]

Glad you two liked it. I'm not quite sure where my ex is on the scale of acknowledging her destructive push away behavior vs confronting it. She knows she has issues, but not sure how much she accepts how severe they are, and how much she is working on them.

[jaird]

Thanks for sharing.

Although it makes me feel sympathy and want to try again. Haha

Don't do it! LOL

Not unless they fully admit they have these BPD tendencies and they see a therapist who specializes in it, or you go as a couple. Otherwise, they just tell some generic therapist how terrible you are, and how you caused all the problems.

[fakename]

Hahah. Yeah I know. No interest in going back even if she does seek therapy. I have her too many chances and there have been too many other guys

[mtmc01]

Mine and many others seem like they'd rather blame all of their issues on us.

[Wooddragon]

Mine knew that he had caused a lot of pain to ppl in the past (when he told me this I visualised "normal" breakups  ) but he didn't actually care beyond the possibility that he might be seen as a "bad person" 

[jaird]

Mine knew that he had caused a lot of pain to ppl in the past (when he told me this I visualised "normal" breakups  ) but he didn't actually care beyond the possibility that he might be seen as a "bad person" 

Mine actually divorced from her ex husband, after having cheated on him for 10 of their 22 years married. Then she used the guy, who didn't know about the infidelity, whenever she had car trouble. The ex husband was far from a mechanic, but he was willing to take a look for a few months even after the separation. After getting called a few times, and with the divorce finalization looming, he said enough is enough and he would not help her with her car anymore. Mind you, she makes enough money to pay a mechanic, she just wanted free labor. She actually got pissed that he was not interested in helping her anymore.

Fast-forward a few months, and the poor ex husband is telling his adult children that she may come back some day, that this may just be a phase. The children, for whatever reason, chose to tell the dad about an affair she had. I guess to snap him out of his dreaming. After that, he never spoke to her again, not in person, not on the phone, nothing. Now she worries about whether or not her kids will see the ex husband as part of the problem, and not just her.