Need Advice: I think I need to let her know about BPD

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

A reminder about advising and supporting our fellow members:

3.1 Advising and Supporting Others: Members should offer advice as peer opinions targeted directly to the host of the thread. Members shall offer only compassionate, well founded and fact based advice.

Thank you!

CM

[Clearmind]

A reminder about advising and supporting our fellow members:

3.1 Advising and Supporting Others: Members should offer advice as peer opinions targeted directly to the host of the thread. Members shall offer only compassionate, well founded and fact based advice.

Thank you!

CM

[nylonsquid]

Bondafc: Agreed

Clearmind: My bad!

[OTH]

Can you have an honest talk with her about why the relationship ended? Can you have an honest talk with her about what behaviors she has that worries you without calling it a mental illness? If you can't how does raising it to another level help? The label is really only useful as a diagnostic tool to help professionals track patients and verify treatment effectiveness. How can it possibly help with anything? If her emotions and behaviors aren't troubling enough to her for her to change, is it really your place to diagnosis her and guide her to the treatment you think she should have? Love is about accepting a person as they are. Not how you wish they could be or what you think they could be.

I know it is difficult but healing won't start until you focus on your own well being. Good luck.

[Hurt llama]

I totally understand the desire to do this but it's not going to give you satisfaction... .   no way.

I'll quote my divorce lawyer when I complained about how my ex was acting (she's not BPD). He said, ":)o you expect your wife to act better in a divorce than she did in the marriage?"

Pretty much covered it right there.

[BlushAndBashful]

So is it possible she could cause me more pain?

Yes.

To infinity and beyond.

[trampledfoot]

Thanks everyone for all the support and opinions I cannot tell you all how much this has helped me.  Per the guidance of my T i started reading Walking on Eggshells. I feel like some of this book was taken directly from our r/s... .   its scary.

trying to touch on some things people have mentioned in the posts

I am 5 pages into the letter I am writing to her and I dont know what to do.  I will in no way shape or form mention "BPD."  Rather i am analyzing our relationship and discussing the things she did that didnt amke sense and deeply affected me.

The stage that I am in with her is she told me she feels nothing for me at all anymore she doesnt love me and says she hasnt for awhile even though weeks before the break up she was telling me that she wanted us to live together and pressuirng me about marriage. I hate this disorder more than anything and the worst part is that the entire time i was with her i didnt know about it. I didnt know what it was i thought it was all me all my fault that i couldnt do the right things such that she can love me. I do want a second chance with therapy and with the tools that I have now.  I want to know "did she really ever love me" does she still?  can she ever really love?

I have never ever been able to rationalize anything with her in our r/s. even simple things.Her black and white thinking is paramount in our r/s. Everything is either hot or cold all the time. 

I had  agood r/s with her father i have debated telling him a little bit of what i went through but i also think that might be a failure.

[Clearmind]

Trampled, its not your role to get involved with telling her father! Please let this go! You can no longer save her - she needs to get help herself.

[trampledfoot]

Please let this go! You can no longer save her - she needs to get help herself.

I need to I really need to

[Clearmind]

Please let this go! You can no longer save her - she needs to get help herself.

I need to I really need to

How can you begin to make steps towards letting go? What are you doin for yourself? Socialising with friends? Keeping up your own interests - finding new ones?

[fakename]

Trampled, I agree with clearmind and I also revisited the idea of telling my ex she has BPD after she contacted me and we exchanged emails on Friday after not talking for 2 months. We also haven't talked since Friday.

I also debated the idea of telling her non-blood uncle tht she has BPD and to help her (this way I rationalized to myself that I don't have to get involved) but deep down I think it was an attempt of me to manipulate the uncle into siding with me.

Either way yesterday and this morning were very rough for me and I wasn't being productive and kinda felt lost all over again. Like almost back at square one.

I turned it around by forcing myself to be productive and I also just had a great workout. I'm still sad but I'm trying to get back on track.

I say all the above because your line of 'I need to I really need to' sounds like desperation and not clear thinking and I was in the same boat just recently. I'm telling you that you can force yourself to get out of it. I hope you do that otherwise sometimes when we want to take extreme measures to help, we seem like the crazy ones or it can do more harm for our exes. If I told my Ex's family I think she would feel so vulnerable and like she lost control of everything and who know what else and then who knows what she would do.

[trampledfoot]

Clearmind/fakename

I made it i roughed out the tough patch and i didn't tell her or her father anything. I have been being extremely social with friends I am always around others and seeing my T once a week. I am also working out ~5 times a week and focusing a lot more on music.

The past few days i have felt numb to her and the issue... .   i am not sad and i am not happy i just feel like WOW... .   this is is over i really love her and this is over.  I feel like I miss her but it doesn't make me sad it almost makes me angry and regretful. I dont know what she is up to or what her rr/s status might be but I can only assume she is dating and I know that she will end up someone seriously very soon.  i know this is when the hammer is going to come down on me and my heart so i am trying to prepare for this.

[Clearmind]

Good for you trampled. You have integrity.

The more we build our self worth the more we don't want to go back to chaos. Keep looking out for you, build new memories free of the burden of your relationship.

If and when you do hear she is with someone else - remind yourself that this soul felt just like you in the beginning and will feel just like you at the end - we often compare ourselves to the new person in their lives when instead we should be empathetic.

This new person has some learning in their future just like you.

[fakename]

hey trampled,

that's really great. i think that was a really big step for you and it sounds like you're making great progress. (when i broke up, i focused a lot on working out and 2 months later, as i see the results, it has really helped in me moving forward with my life... . i hope you keep it up... .   some days i would REALLY have to force myself to work out.)

i went through a period when i was numb as well. all i can say from my experience is that i went through a rollercoaster ride, and some days were particular tougher than others. but, i feel a lot more free now. a long time since feb 4th... .   she contacted me last friday, and i just kept my distance and didnt fall for her manipulations and held my boundaries. i felt good at the moment and i was waiting/hoping she would contact me, but for a couple days after i was back into the abyss.  i came here for support and i got back out of it, and the past 4 days i have just felt soo much better about everything. i think it was a big step in me continuing to move forward.

i'm saying this cause i want you to make sure you know some days are rougher than others, but as long as you stay on the right path, you'll do better.  i'm hoping in a couple months i'll be fully detached.  but not gonna put pressure on myself.  taking it a day at a time. 

it also helped me to further understand the disorder (even though after i accepted that none of what we had was real, i was still hurting)  i am fully aware now, that she really will never change, any hope i had beforehand that she would, is gone and i think that is what has helped me.  that was really big for me.  also focusing on my own shortcoming and improving them is what helps me move forward.

anyway, get ready for the ride, dont be too hard on yourself and know a better life is up ahead.

let me also add, cause i think its hilarious and also cause it just epitomizes how clearly screwed up she is, she's now telling everyone she's writing this motivational book, and she uses that to manipulate her new boytoys... . even though she only wrote like 2 pages, and they were 90% plagerized... .   its a sad life... .   and there's nothing i can do to help her.

[trampledfoot]

Thanks All:

So after 1.5 months NC she texted me last night out of nowhere.  She must have found out that i was out with a female friend of mine whom she doesnt care for.   She said "yadda yadda about my female friend and then said I am glad i was the one with the balls to end it when it was SOO clearly over"

I wrote something but I didnt send it to her she doesnt deserve the response i wrote maybe later certainly not any time soon.  I worte something to the effect of  "balls"  It doesnt take balls to detach completely from someone you love and walk away without hurt it takes balls to wake up every morning and know that I will go on and someoen out there will love me for me and not demean me and question my love daily... .   thats the jist of it but just writing it made me feel good

[fakename]

i think what you did took maturity and restraint and thats something to be proud of. and i agree with what we're doing take balls. haha.

the way i kinda see it now is there's no point in even trying to explain or rationalize things with her... .   nothing goes through anyway, just a tremendous waste of my mental and physical energy

[fromheeltoheal]

In my head I composed a bunch of things I wanted to tell her, but fortunately never sent any.  I had the awareness at the time to at least ask myself why I wanted to tell her a few things, and sure, part of it was I loved her and wanted to help, but that wasn't the main thing.  The main thing was I wanted to be right, and acknowledged as right by her, for once, after a long, long time of being invalidated and blamed for everything.  Once I discovered and admitted what my real motive was, I had to realize I probably never would get the validation, it's her challenge and not mine after all, and I'd be better off surrounding myself with people who were validating.

[trampledfoot]

The main thing was I wanted to be right, and acknowledged as right by her, for once, after a long, long time of being invalidated and blamed for everything.  Once I discovered and admitted what my real motive was, I had to realize I probably never would get the validation,

I completeley agree JUST ONCE JUST ONCE i want to hear "I am sorry for this I was wrong" in 2.5 years I never got that ever ever ever... .   but why what would a sorry give me now closure with someone who is unhealthy and doesn't want a relationship surrounding compromise and love rather wants to constantly be waited on and to use me as a punching bag with the occasional bread crumb of love. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I completeley agree JUST ONCE JUST ONCE i want to hear "I am sorry for this I was wrong" in 2.5 years I never got that ever ever ever... .   but why what would a sorry give me now closure with someone who is unhealthy and doesn't want a relationship surrounding compromise and love rather wants to constantly be waited on and to use me as a punching bag with the occasional bread crumb of love. 

Yeah, that was the most painful thing to accept: someone I was in love with and thought was healthy just wasn't, and I would never get what I needed from her.  Live and learn, and oh boy have I learned a lot since, and choose to believe everything happens for a reason.  And apart from filling up our lives with healthy people, we can also learn to self-validate, which was a bonus I didn't know I'd get from our time in hell.  Power to us dude.

[fakename]

hahahah, trampledfoot and fromheeltoheal,

in my relationship it got the point, where the last couple arguments, i would just say something along the lines of 'ok, you know you're wrong and you know it's your fault, but youre not going to stop yelling unless i take the blame for it and apologize, then fine. it's my fault and i'm sorry'

sometimes, she would then make me say what i was sorry for, and i'd come up with some BS reason.  even at the time i thought it was hilarious. but i was really doing it cause i knew she was irrational and i just wanted her to be calmed down and have some peace... .   i didnt really care if i had to take the blame... . i thought of myself as a guy who was trying to please his girl. even if it hurt him and he had to put aside his dignity.

i think all of those 'sacrifices' i was making though probably ended up building up inside of me and hurting me cause i really felt like i was never really loved by her.

in the end, i'm glad to have gone through all that stuff, so i know who i want to be in the future, and how i want my relationships to go in the future. i'm going to be making much smarter decisions before getting involved in a long-term r/s with someone... .   and honestly, i did grow a lot and learn how to treat a girl like a lady because of the ex. so i cant be upset about any of it all any more.  i'm glad its over and i'm really glad i believed in myself enough to come to these boards and learn, to push myself physically and mentally and believe that i deserve more than how i was treating myself while with her.

here's to a friday night, though alone, with no fighting, manipulations or catering toan unappreciative someone who's needs can never be met no matter how much i bleed to try... .

lastly, your comment of an "occasional bread crumb of love"... .   at least for me, i dont think i can even call it that anymore, she needed someone to be affectionate and loving with to satisfy her needs, to just go through the motions with someone, i happened to be the stand-in actor at the moment, if i wasnt there, she wouldve acted the same way with someone else. i cant say there's any love about it that she gave me, cause the same would've been given out to someone else. she saved nothing special for me.

[fromheeltoheal]

I got analytical with mine.  There were two ways to look at the crap coming out of her mouth; one, I wasn't behaving the way she wanted me to and so she'd punish me, which in a word is abuse, or two, her reasoning was always she did what she did because of what I said or did, always reactionary, never taking responsibility, which is literally irresponsible.

So there you go, abusive or irresponsible were my choices, neither of which have any place in a healthy relationship.  Unfortunately I got continually defensive while I was in it, which didn't help, and couldn't see it for what it was until I was out of it.  Chaos.  We're healing.

[Rocknut]

I printed off a bunch of papers from the web, like from webmd, etc, highlighting BPD.

I arranged them nicely. I highlighted with a marker the most important symptoms that my exBFBPD told me he had. For example, feeling dead inside, raging, child molestation, depression, extreme mood swings, unstable relationship history, etc. I put them in a folder. I place them on his bed. I also took all the old pictures of us. These were pictures of us together, when he saw he was "happy." I put them in a nice small photo book on his bed along with the folder.

The reaction I got next day was an "extinction outburst" of pure insanity. He degraded me everyway possible. He said everything from, "you're disgusting" to "i gave you aids."

I'm not sure if conciously he knows i'm right, or I just really pissed him off. Who knows?

[Rocknut]

Trapledfoot,

I DID what you are planning to do. I texted her that I think she has BPD and she will keep suffering if  she does not get help. and that I know you will hate me for this... .   someday you will thank me for letting you know. I don't hate you and never will.

Here comes a barrage of text missiles from her ":)iagnose yourself... .   what kind of illness you have?'

"do you want me to have a restraining order? stop harassing me."

Amzing. This IS EXACTLY WORD FOR WORD what my exBFBPD said. Seriously, he repeatedly said I was harassing him, that I was the crazy one, then at the end threatened to go to the police

[Clearmind]

Everyone on this planet likes to feel safe.

Imagine a person you cared about gave you details of a mental illness and accused you of having BPD? How would you honestly feel?

I think we need to be mindful in this discussion that the majority our partners/ex partners on bpdfamily are undiagnosed. We don't know if they are BPD or not.

Folks who "act" the way our partners do are more likely to have BPD traits rather than the mental disorder known as BPD.

Sometimes we need to exercise some empathy for folks who have a hard time regulating emotions and start thinking about our role in the relationship dynamic.

This is where the true healing begins.

[Rocknut]

Here's whats weird Clearmind. Tell me what you think.

The very first time my ex raged on me, it scared him to death. He spent 400$ the next day going to a local crook "psychiatrist" that prescribed him adderol and sleeping pills. My ex admitted to having no idea why he blew up on me. He said it scared him... .  

As he got worse and worse, he REALLY started to deny he had any problem. He started getting angrier when I mentioned his problems. He started saying I was judging him, etc.

So as this disease gets worse, so does denial?

[OTH]

Usually relationships start in a pretty good place. It is much easier to be honest. The idealization stage of love. As the relationship evolves differences have to be sorted out and conflicts have to be resolved. This takes a higher level of emotional skill. As a relationship progresses unless issues are being resolved they build up. I know my ex was much more agreeable to my way of thinking in the beginning of our relationship then she was at the end. Actually, this is true of all my failed relationships just magnified in this one. I had gotten used to sweeping things under the rug to keep the peace. I see what a mistake that was now. It would have been better to confront it head on. I wholeheartedly believe she would have left but I think it would have saved us both a lot of heart ache and wasted time.

Here's whats weird Clearmind. Tell me what you think.

The very first time my ex raged on me, it scared him to death. He spent 400$ the next day going to a local crook "psychiatrist" that prescribed him adderol and sleeping pills. My ex admitted to having no idea why he blew up on me. He said it scared him... .  

As he got worse and worse, he REALLY started to deny he had any problem. He started getting angrier when I mentioned his problems. He started saying I was judging him, etc.

So as this disease gets worse, so does denial?

[Clearmind]

So as this disease gets worse, so does denial?

Rocknut, we play a role in the dysfunction. Your partner was triggered by you and you were triggered by your partner. Not everyone attaches to a person with BPD traits - you did my friend.

As for the "disease" - we don't know if she has BPD - I cannot diagnose and neither can you.

I cannot tell you how many times I have seen threads on the Leaving Board with the title "Am I BPD or is my ex"! The reason being is that many of us also carry some BPD traits - maybe not be diagnosed BPD.

It occurred to me during the course of my r/s that I also started to react to my ex, and it got worse - I also remember clearly I was in denial about my role.

Rocknut, all I am saying is that your ex is who she is, you want a diagnosis because then you won't blame yourself for the relationship demise - that is OK - we all go through that stage.

We also need to understand our role - why we were attracted to someone who put us on a pedestal - my guess is - because we did not have a lot of our self worth to begin with.

Build your self worth and you will soon understand your role.

So going back to the title of this thread "Need Advice: I think I need to let her know about BPD" - how would you feel if your partner accused you of having BPD? Not real welcoming I am sure and frankly we don't know!

[Surrender]

Has anyone tried this approach? Will this help me bring closure? Is there a way to phrase this to her in order to make it more palatable for her? Thoughts?

I thought about this long and hard. I came to the realization that he would only turn that knowledge against me. There is no winning and I have no option but to accept that. I won't help him by trying to make known to him the 'obvious'. He has been fighting himself and the world since he can remember. If I did this I would only contribute to his fury and rages.

[elessar]

this is what i just posted a few mins back. you will hear worse replies than this. it will be projected unto u. this time i didnt even tell her about BPD. i told her "plz google what u r telling me". anyway here it is -

Just stop diagnosing me, ne normal person under pressure go through many emotions. Doesn't mean they r have something

    Tat was one of the major thing tat pushed me away from u. I hated the fact tat I had to be broken for u.

    I was just a girl over whelmed w her life n probs. Tats all


and you know whats funny... .   for 5 months back in 2011 she wanted to see a psych. once it hit her that her parents might be the reason for her issues, shes in denial/defensive.

[Chazz]

Tramplefoot... .   I am exactly in the same place as you about contacting my Ex. I've gone through the same parsing process. Should I, or shouldn't I contact her for one last time? After all, our last encounter left me a devastated, blathering idiot in complete shock. 

But... .   What are my true motives; what do I hope to gain? It's not reunification. I've had enough of her projections, displaced rage, devastating insults, turning me blacker-than-black, to last several lifetimes.

I don't even care that she has, once again, cultivated a dating relationship while we were still, at least in my mind, "together". She destroyed the "sacred intimacy" of our sexual relationship awhile ago. She has a lifelong pattern of pursuing the next shiny person while still in a relationship. Why should I be treated any differently? It’s so much easier for her to blame me, her ex-husband, or whomever for her emptiness, dissatisfaction, boredom, infidelity. 

So, why do I have this urge to contact her? ….Because, I’m tortured by her turning my love for her into something "ugly, destructive, sick, abusive" (her words)…. I WANT VINDICATION FOR MY LOVE. (If you listen closely, you will hear the desperate cries of what is left of my unhealed, inner child.)

Will I ever get vindication from my Ex – NEVER, EVER ! ! ! ! She’s invested in seeing my love as “destructive”. She needs to do that to justify her endless pursuit of a perfect lover who will put her inner devastation to right FOR HER.

She's on a fool's errand, for sure. And, so would I be if I sought vindication from her.     

[Clearmind]

So, why do I have this urge to contact her? ….Because, I’m tortured by her turning my love for her into something "ugly, destructive, sick, abusive" (her words)…. I WANT VINDICATION FOR MY LOVE. (If you listen closely, you will hear the desperate cries of what is left of my unhealed, inner child).

Most truest thing I have read today.

Chazz you are spot on. We don't want to tell our partners to be kind, because its unkind to do so.

We have been hurt, yes! However we voluntarily entered this relationship so why are we wanting them to pay!

To move forward, seek answers from within (that yes lie in our childhood) is having dignity, exercising emotional maturity and taking some accountability.

We need to be accountable for our decisions - not vindicate our ex's for them.