Need Advice: I think I need to let her know about BPD

[trampledfoot]

So I am 30 days NC from my UBPD ex of 2.5 years who I think finally split me for the last time.  I need to make this the last time I am recycled. I have been debating and wanting to email her letting her know everything that her BPD has done to me. I want to put out to her that her splits, emotional, instability, and verbal and emotional abuse was not OK and that she needs help.

I am fairly set in my thinking that I have to do this in order to be able to let go of her. I still care about her and I want to let her know this that I think she needs help and let her know that her behvior is not normal and it is not my fault or her fault rather the disorder.

Has anyone tried this approach? Will this help me bring closure? Is there a way to phrase this to her in order to make it more palatable for her? Thoughts?

[GreenMango]

I understand you want this closure.  Totally normal. 

99% sure this will backfire. 

Give some thought to why you need to do this maybe.

[haliewa1]

Simply ask yourself, why?  You will not be able to make sense of the response you receive.  There is no upside to pointing out the problem.  Move on and be thankful for life without a BPD to complicate things!

[trampledfoot]

GreenMango

I have a few reasons


1) I truly love her and I do want her to get help.  I want her to realize what she did to me is not normal and it will happen again in her next relationship unless she doesn't get help.

2)I feel like I have never complained about anything in our relationship ever. I was never able to get mad at her because I was always catering to her ideas of what was wrong and what was right.  For once I want to have a voice

3)I want to do this because I don't think its fair that she is walking away from this feeling like; I failed her and I didn't try hard enough.  

[trampledfoot]

Also I think some small part of me wants to shout this "hey i think you need help to her" that way 10 years down the road maybe it will echo back to her... .   I guess in typing this i just realized this is my rescuer still trying to throw her a life raft

[GreenMango]

Sometimes it takes a person being on the right spot to hear something.  I could see if she wanted to talk and you chose to be honest. 

Out of the blue after 30 days of not seeing hide nor hair from a person then all of a sudden they tell you you are mentally ill with an illness that has a huge stigma has the potential to get dismissed or worse - ugly.

[nylonsquid]

Hi Trampled!

I've had these thoughts before. I say do what you need to.

I will tell you my experience. my exBPD's ex called her a sociopath. How do I know? Because she called him that. She was projecting/denying.

My own: When I had these thoughts I wrote down EVERYTHING I had in my head so I could tell her. Turns out, writing so much of it let that energy out and I didn't need to dump it on her any more. The emotions subsided.

Every person has a different way to vent but as you admit, the rescuer mentality to help her will be rewarded with more challenges. And you know what rescuers love? A challenge. It becomes perpetual.

I would personally discard her if I knew better.

[trampledfoot]

Green Mango:

Let me preclude this is say I am somewhat of a writer I tend to express my feelings best, most honestly, and logically when i write them out. I think its not so so much to call her out and say HEY I THINK YOU HAVE BPD.  But more so write out the issues of our relationship and direct question to some of her behaviors in our relationship. Allow her to read how these situations occur and have her figure question WHY they occur.  I guess my thinking is what is the harm in this? I am convinced that I will never get back with her unless she seeks help. I cannot do this to myself again. So is it possible she could cause me more pain?

[nylonsquid]

So is it possible she could cause me more pain?

Yes.

[trampledfoot]

My own: When I had these thoughts I wrote down EVERYTHING I had in my head so I could tell her. Turns out, writing so much of it let that energy out and I didn't need to dump it on her any more. The emotions subsided.

This is very true for me as well I tend to help release emotion through words either just writing and writing or writing into a song lyrics or poem anything helps relieve it.  I guess my thinking is then do I send this piece of words to her? That is kind of where I am stuck

[trampledfoot]

NylonSquid

I guess one of the worst parts of this is that I know she is not going through anything right now she has completely split me and I am nothing to her and I guess to be honest with myself I never was anything to her really, truly.  i was an obsession for the first ~8 months then I become a punching bag. 

[nylonsquid]

NylonSquid

I guess one of the worst parts of this is that I know she is not going through anything right now she has completely split me and I am nothing to her and I guess to be honest with myself I never was anything to her really, truly.  i was an obsession for the first ~8 months then I become a punching bag. 

I'm glad you enjoyed 8 idealized months! I only got an uneven 2!

You can send it if you want but you could regret it later. At least you know the consequence. You may not hear anything from her. You say you're okay with it but the silent response may not sit well with you. And a response will probably trigger more feelings in you.

Listen up, you're opening up yourself for more abuse under the guise and rationale of caring for her. This is how you're rationalizing your actions. You want to leave on a note that is more meaningful or could be helpful. Ask yourself why are you making contact with her? Really. And why do you want to help her after what she's done to you? Maybe you need some more abuse  before you decide to stop? I know I needed it!

[GreenMango]

Green Mango:

Let me preclude this is say I am somewhat of a writer I tend to express my feelings best, most honestly, and logically when i write them out. I think its not so so much to call her out and say HEY I THINK YOU HAVE BPD.  But more so write out the issues of our relationship and direct question to some of her behaviors in our relationship. Allow her to read how these situations occur and have her figure question WHY they occur.  I guess my thinking is what is the harm in this? I am convinced that I will never get back with her unless she seeks help. I cannot do this to myself again. So is it possible she could cause me more pain?

Hey you are preaching to choir here.  I wrote an opus on my ex's behavior and accountability in preparation for the next recycle attempt and handed it over when it occured.  Nothing happened except to have my job and reputation threatened and I never said BPD once.  Futile last attempt I suppose and test to see what happens when the rubber hits the road.  Rubber never hit the road.

You wanted to know her reaction though and harm - it's going to vary quite a bit from your expectation I presume.  I'm guessing that it will get turned around and twisted, I'm guessing some impulsive emotional outbursts will happen (no one wants to hear someone thinks they are nuts - but a person with BPD any hint of judgment or rejection tends to cause problems), I'm guessing it won't spark a "moment of clarity" on her part, and I'm guessing it may cause a bunch of drama in your life.  

trampledfoot but I had an epiphany - more like a simple realization - one day when at about the spot you are at now... .   I realized the relationship was built upon the expectation that I could provide an unconditional relationship with unconditional love.  I realized I can't.  Can you?

Give some thought to what you really need in a person... .   realistic stuff - respect, fidelity, communication, and take a long hard look at the person she is right now.  Be honest - look at what happened in the relationship with clear eyes, and ask yourself if this person is truly the kind of person worth your time, effort and love... .   as is, not after treatment.

[Clearmind]

Has anyone tried this approach?

I thought about it, agonised over it, cried about it, healed from it, forgot about it, detached from it and freed myself from the bind - without ever having said a word.

Will this help me bring closure?

No! She cannot give you closure - you need to find this in you trampled.

Telling a Borderline you suspect they are BPD is invalidating - for you and her. She does not have the emotional capability to deal with the fall out - this needs to be left to the professionals.

Imagine someone accusing you of having a mental illness.

Is there a way to phrase this to her in order to make it more palatable for her? Thoughts?

I suspect this may be more about you than her. I honestly believed that if I told my ex, he would admit defeat, own up, seek a diagnosis, get into DBT and we would live our dream.

The belief that they have seen the light or will see the light if only they knew... .   trampledfoot - its possible she may accuse you of having BPD.

We cannot rescue our ex's - they need to find their own truth - just as you need to find yours.

[slimmiller]

I told mine, twice. 

First time I really wanted to help her like you are wanting to. Second time she was 'down' and wanted me to tell her whats wrong with her (eluding to what we had talked about before) The first time she just raged 'I dont have multiple personalities' (her words) The second time, the deer in the headlights empty hollow eyed stare. Was merely an attempt on her part to engage me.

Now theres no way I will engage her and or try and help her by being that vulnerable again. Vulnerable as in opening up to her. Its her sickness and truth is, I dont really want or need her to change. I told her once if she admitted to her issues it would create the worst dilema for me.

I would then be faced with having to forgive all the offenses she has committed against me and our relationship. Plus I would be too likely to accept her back. This way she is 'his' problem

[Shadowlands]

Interesting thread... .  

I believe that if it is more about making yourself feel better if you do it. I did this with my ex and the ramifications were for her to change her phone number. No great shakes in the scheme of things and it certainly made me feel better and I did it in as caring a way as I could.

In the long run, when she has another episode with someone else she will remember our conversation and this may mean that she eventually gets help as on-one would forget being accused if having a mental illness, not even someone with BPD.

[trampledfoot]

I suspect this may be more about you than her. I honestly believed that if I told my ex, he would admit defeat, own up, seek a diagnosis, get into DBT and we would live our dream.

We cannot rescue our ex's - they need to find their own truth - just as you need to find yours.

thanks this is really the heart of it for me


Slimmiller i think thats where I am caught i know i cannot go on but i also have this glimmer of hope that if she changes my world will be perfect

I began writing last night just writing helped me flush a lot of emotions it was good.  My strategy is to walk through our relationship and hihglight the areas where we went from  idealization to emotional instability and show where she began breaking me down.  I dont know if i will send it but i am going to write it. 

[fakename]

after we broke up and while i maintained NC and she moved on, i thought a few times about sending her an email to tell her she had BPD... .   sometimes i would justify it to myself with that i love her and would help her get through it or whatever crap. (i wasn't being honest with myself, deep down i had doubts whether i would want to stick around for all that it would entail)... .   and also, if i was actually honest with myself, deep down, i felt like i had ulterior motives for wanting to tell her, what those motives were, i'm sure you can imagine them, but i think i was just letting my feelings and pain make the decisions and not my stable mind.

[Clearmind]

thanks this is really the heart of it for me

It was for me too trampled and I trust for many of us.

It is painful to see someone we once cared about struggle. Its unfortunate that close relationships are in fact the trigger. Its kinder to them if we step away.

but i think i was just letting my feelings and pain make the decisions and not my stable mind.

[Wimowe]

For me, it's been helpful to write such a letter.  I gained clarity about how I'm feeling, my reality testing, and what I want in my situation. Reviewing it with my T and others has yielded a lot of insight.  I haven't decided whether to send it. Writing the letter and sending it are separate actions, decided separately.

[theboro504]

Silence can speak volumes to them.

[Cmjo]

I agree with Green Mango. It is something I so much want to do. But very likely she will just throw it back at you, saying that perhaps you are delusional and need to be locked up and thatnyou were abusing her, to the extent that your torture is just prolonged, and the more you try to reason the more she will deny deny deny. I like the advice on here to write a long letter... .   then dont bother sending it. No point!

[wanttoknowmore]

Trapledfoot,

I DID what you are planning to do. I texted her that I think she has BPD and she will keep suffering if  she does not get help. and that I know you will hate me for this... .   someday you will thank me for letting you know. I don't hate you and never will.

Here comes a barrage of text missiles from her ":)iagnose yourself... .   what kind of illness you have?'

"do you want me to have a restraining order? stop harassing me."

Strangely, I  felt a sense of relief by doing it thinking I have planted a seed of the idea of her having BPD and at some point she will reflect on it,,read and compare and some day she will appreciate that I took the risk and told her the truth.

I donot regret saying it to her. I know she still has some respect for me inspite of raging and screaming at  S

\THIS WAS MY TOUGH LOVE ... .   to her. I don't expect love back. I don't care if she hates me more. I did my duty as a true friend and I am happy about it.

[trampledfoot]

All:

I appreciae the insight I plan to keep writing and see how I feel once i am done.  I am not even sure that she will read it to be honest with you I can see her trashing the letter after she gets a few sentences into it. 

[fakename]

obviously youre free to do whatever you want, but i wanted to add a couple more thoughts from my own experience.

in the beginning i did want to tell her she had BPD, partly cause i care for her so much, and partly cause i thought it would help me manipulate things into getting back together with her, (even if it was only for a one night stand) and partly  cause i wanted to throw a bit of pain in her direction and throw her world for a whirl so she wouldnt try to be in a r/s with anyone else and partly cause who knows why.

even though i read on here that everyone who told theirs they had BPD, it ended badly, i was still craving to do it. partly cause maybe i thought she was different, partly cause i thought i needed to help her and whatever consequences would be able to be dealt with,(with me by her side) and a good portion because i was still used to making crazy/rash/desperate decisions (because i was trained to do so when i was with her)... .   i think i was more inclined to make crazy choices and just rationalize or justify them and think that they would result in a satisfactory outcome (i remember thinking how that quote the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result embodied my r/s with her) ... .   so i figure - stop trying to take care of her... . it doesnt work, and it doesnt help.

i had to fight against telling her and i think what helped was reading what one guy on here said about it not being any of his business and he'd only consider telling her or her family or her new flame if they asked for his opinion on things. otherwise he wasn't going to get involved. it wasnt his business.


also, about the long letters... .   i remember sending an especially sincere and loving one after a breakup.  i guess what i took from it is they cherish it for the moment, but the next morning it's gone. there's no point, they cant hang onto the words or anything coming from them.  maybe it has to do with object constancy or whatever, i dont know.  i just know once their needs needle starts going off the scale, nothing matters but that moment and doing what they have to, to 'survive'... .  

think about what you're dealing with. then thinking about why you are really wanting to tell her. after i went a month NC, paid focus to my own growth and learning about BPD, i was able to think clearer about these things and realized a lot.  

i dont know your whole story, and i dont know you or her, but these are my experiences and i think all BPDers have some common traits.  whatever stage of the r/s and breakups you're in, i dont know, i dont know how many recycles are left for you guys before things get even worse or for eyes to be opened or whatever.  i just think, if someone has a mental issue, they have to discover it themselves, otherwise they will get defensive and continue with outward blame (at least this is how i would react), instead i learned about my issues through my research on BPD and learning why i do what i do and act how i act and how my life has shaped me and i recognize more why i have to change and how to do so, and i'm ok with the time it takes to do so... .   if someone told me i have issues, especially if i was at a point when i wasnt ready to hear that stuff, even though i'm open-minded, i wouldnt take it as seriously and not be as devoted to rectifying myself.  

[GreenMango]

Many of us pull out all the stops ... .   Maybe its desperation or maybe its hope. 

One of the beliefs from the leaving lessons is

10) Belief that they have seen the light Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away

It could go for if you tell them its possible they will see the light.

There's a movie Shawshank Redemption in it Andy gives Red a harmonica while he's serving a life sentence... .   and Red gets upset because the gift is supposed to give him Hope.

He tells him Hope can kill a man. 

I don't think hope can kill you here but it definitely can keep you stuck.  Acceptance is hard.  No two ways around it.

[bondafc]

The fantasy goes something like this;

"Oh honey, I get it now.  I have BPD, a rare, and largely un-treatable, mental-disorder that causes me to lash-out at and abandon the very people who love me.

Thank-you darling, that explains everything!

I will seek treatment, become the woman you always hoped/knew I would/could be and I will love you forever."

It's not really about helping her. 

It's a secret wish to provide her with a cogent argument that finally makes her realize what she had and has lost.  You hope this will repair and fix her back into the adoration stage.

We have all done it.

Reality is, you can not impose self-awareness onto someone else. 

It is never going to happen... .

Never!

You are a rational person trying to reason with a mentally disturbed person who was broken LONG before you entered into her life.

The most likely outcome is resentment or projection back to you.

You have definitely given her hard evidence that she can distort and show to authorities, family, or friends to undermine your reputation (or worse).

Here is what helped me.

Go to a stationary-store and buy a nice notebook and a nice pen. 

Write at the top of one page:

"It's not OK that she:"

And start writing... .  

Don't contextualize, just bullet points... .  

If your ride was anything like mine, you will have two pages written before you know it.

Then go back and start writing down the entire experience and key learnings.

Some how hand-writing is different than typing into a computer.

Forgive yourself... .   truly forgive yourself... .

There is nothing you could have done differently that would have created a different outcome.

These people are hard-wired to destroy their relationships and create chaos. 

It was always destined to fail... .   period... .  

It's simply of matter of when... .  

The relationship was only going to keep getting worse... .

I am eight months of no-contact and finally feeling a bit more normal... .  

No-contact is brutal... .   but time eventually heals the worst of it.

Respect... .  

[daze]

I told my uBPD/alcoholic h that I suspect he has BPD traits, events in his early childhood that may have contributed to it, adult behavior that seems to be a symptoms of it, etc.  He didn't get upset or twist it back on me - at least not yet.  If anything it seems like it's come up before, like when he was in the military or in rehab.

He also knows that I think he's an alcoholic and that I want him to quit drinking.

I told him because I love him and the only way our r/s has a chance is if he gets help and quits drinking.  I also care about his young children and the effect he will have on them.  I'm trying to address my end of it with therapy, Al-Anon, reading, etc.  He sees that I am getting better and that my communication skills are improving.

Anyway, this was about three months ago.  He's had a couple of unrelated dysregulation cycles but no repercussions yet.

[nylonsquid]

Reality is, you can not impose self-awareness onto someone else. 

It is never going to happen... .

Never!

Excellent post Bondafc! But isn't it true, going by your above statement, that trying to reason with Trampled will not change what he's going to do? I mean, something in his mind says he will do it so he's probably going to no matter what you say. He could go against his drive to do it but then he'd suffer not knowing or regret. To me what helped is finding out myself the truth of the matter.

However, with knowledge and then testing the knowledge, one learns. And this is what Trampled is alluding to when it comes to telling his pwBPD. He can tell her, she won't listen, but one day she could wake up and learn. Just like you are doing with Trampled. Afterall, understanding human psyche is not etched in stone and if there's that 1% chance of saving someone then maybe its worth taking. But I think the healthy truth is knowing about oneself, and that is that we/Trampled in this thinking is not thinking of himself which is really at the heart of an empathetic person. Maybe a rescuer too. I think when the focus on someone who is hopeless ends does that energy get shifted back to oneself. Everyone experiences uniquely and with different length of time. What's important is for someone to do what he needs to to reach true acceptance.

[bondafc]

Nylon,

I see your point and agree. Trampled truly believes this may comfort him.  He is probably invested in a reality where his words will sooth, comfort, heal her, and bring her around. 

While I agree it's unlikely anything will change his mind, the biggest difference is, we are mentally stable and able to reason, she isn't.

99% chance she will likely dazzle him with the amount of pain and denial she will inflict on him. After all, she is defending herself as if her very being is at stake.

To your point, you can't resolve a problem with the same level of consciousness that got you into it in the first place.

In my case, I wasted countless hours analyzing and re-analyzing every weird and bizarre encounter, conversation or rage episode, trying to determine how I could have achieved a different outcome... .  

You finally start to realize that it's like a giant jigsaw puzzle where all the pieces fit together perfectly, but the picture doesn't make sense.

So you take it apart and start over and over and over and the final picture never makes any sense. 

The outcome is always the same. A huge investment in time and energy with only pain and confusion as the result.

In my experience, my UexBPDgf distorted and criticized almost every conversation or text we had.  I found myself constantly defending or clarifying the most ridiculous inane conversations.  It was exhausting and emotionally draining.

Maybe that never happened to Trampled... .   I doubt it.

Based on her persistent behavior that I realized, after it was all over, that there was no point in sending her the ultimate "You have BPD" e-mail... .  

She would simply twist it around like everything else. 

That's not to say I didn't write one... .   I did and I wanted to send it... .  

But I value my heart and I've been hurt enough.

The "writing in a fancy notebook" was/is very cathartic.

It still sits on my night table next to my bed... .