Jealousy

[hellokitty4]

Let me first say that this is not romantic relationship. My female BPD friend is very jealous of a former friend who I have no contact with. No matter how much I assure her that I have no contact with the former friend, the issue keeps coming up. Today BPD heard a song that she relates to me and the former friend. A song! This song triggered her to ruin a very pleasant conversation we were having on the phone tonight. I tried my best to validate and to assure her. I don't know how she's feeling now bec she didn't respond to my text.

I don't know what to say anymore. I tried to not engage when she started talking about the song earlier today but she felt that i ignored her message. I told her that just didn't want to talk about that subject. Then she brought it up again tonight. No fight just a short discussion.

What else could I have done?

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[redberry]

I think you are doing the best that you can do.  You never know what will trigger these people and it's most likely not you fault when it happens.  They are so emotionally unstable.  They certainly are prone to jealousy, and for no real reason.  It makes them worry that you will be taken away and they will be what they fear the most--abandoned.

My situation with my friend sounds much like yours.  It's not a romantic relationship, but the intensity of it at times kind of resembles the way people in a relationship interact or the expectations that he has of me (and, honestly, some of the expectations I start to have of him after he demands that of me for long enough).  I don't necessarily prefer that, but that is how things seem to work at least with my uBPD waif friend.

[briefcase]

I think you were right to not engage in another conversation about this topic.  People with BPD imagine all sorts of threats to their relationships and there really isn't any reasoning with them because the conversation is propelled not by facts but by their feelings. 

Maybe develop a "broken record" response to this issue and stick to it.  Something like, "I don't talk to [x-friend] anymore and have nothing else to say about her."  Just repeat your response everytime the topic comes up.

Her: I heard x-friend's favorite song that you guys always liked.

You: I don't talk to x-friend anymore and have nothing else to say about her.

Her: Come on, I know you still chat with her on facebook.

You: I don't talk to x-friend anymore and have nothing else to say about her.

If she persists after you've repeated this a few times in a conversation, you should just go home, end the phone call, end the text conversation, etc. for the day.   

[redberry]

I think briefcase's reply makes sense.  Your friend is basically asking you to pull the trigger that gets her dysregulated.  Not engaging in the conversation is refusing to pull the trigger. 

[hellokitty4]

My situation with my friend sounds much like yours.  It's not a romantic relationship, but the intensity of it at times kind of resembles the way people in a relationship interact or the expectations that he has of me (and, honestly, some of the expectations I start to have of him after he demands that of me for long enough).  I don't necessarily prefer that, but that is how things seem to work at least with my uBPD waif friend.

Exactly. You and I seem to be in the same situation.  None of my friends who I confided in understand the dynamics of my friendship with BPDfriend. Thank goodness I am not alone!

[hellokitty4]

I think you were right to not engage in another conversation about this topic.  People with BPD imagine all sorts of threats to their relationships and there really isn't any reasoning with them because the conversation is propelled not by facts but by their feelings. 

Maybe develop a "broken record" response to this issue and stick to it.  Something like, "I don't talk to [x-friend] anymore and have nothing else to say about her."  Just repeat your response everytime the topic comes up.

Her: I heard x-friend's favorite song that you guys always liked.

You: I don't talk to x-friend anymore and have nothing else to say about her.

Her: Come on, I know you still chat with her on facebook.

You: I don't talk to x-friend anymore and have nothing else to say about her.

If she persists after you've repeated this a few times in a conversation, you should just go home, end the phone call, end the text conversation, etc. for the day.   

I will take your advice on what to say when it comes up again.  I have said something similar but repetition makes sense to me.

Today I have received a text, two phone calls from her. I sent her an email early this morning and did not respond to her text. The email addressed the issue in a calm non accusatory manner.  She addressed the subject a little on her second phone call to me but I think she's embarrassed about what happened. I know in her normal self that she knows better. This has been the same trigger for almost two years now. Only now I know how to handle it better.  I validated but didn't engage. My friend rarely apologizes when these things happen but she shows in her actions that she is sorry about it.

[hellokitty4]

I think briefcase's reply makes sense.  Your friend is basically asking you to pull the trigger that gets her dysregulated.  Not engaging in the conversation is refusing to pull the trigger. 

It was not easy... .   badgering with the same question over and over and then receiving the same answer that she didn't like. At the end of the conversation, I just kept quiet. Then said good night.

[redberry]

My friends are the same way, hellokitty.  They don't understand the dynamics of the friendship.  They generally like my friend, I think, but find him to be quietly needy and to be constantly causing major problems for himself.  They're right about both, but they're really seeing just a piece of the iceberg.  There's A LOT under the surface that they're not seeing and can't really understand.  That's frustrating.

[hellokitty4]

My friends are the same way, hellokitty.  They don't understand the dynamics of the friendship.  They generally like my friend, I think, but find him to be quietly needy and to be constantly causing major problems for himself.  They're right about both, but they're really seeing just a piece of the iceberg.  There's A LOT under the surface that they're not seeing and can't really understand.  That's frustrating.

redberry, I always say that the person they see is not the person I know. She is always in a good mood, gregarious and happy so it's hard to imagine that there's another side to her. And that is why it is difficult for them to understand. For example, she can never say no to anyone but with me, and her other friend who knows how she is, she has no problem saying no. Quite the opposite of what normal friends do.