How do you let go of the anger?

[wondering128]

I don't know how to let it go. Sometimes it gets better, but just when I think I must be healing because I'm feeling better, then I have another breakdown. I keep repeating in my head the scenes of all the things he did to me, all the times he lied, all the broken promises, all the screaming and insult all the times he used the names of other girls to hurt me, all the times he used my fears against me, everything... .   And especially, how HE NEVER TOOK ANY RESPONSABILITY for the things he did... .   Sometimes it's amazing, the way he just said "nope, I didn't do that. That didn't happen" and it's like are you f*** kidding? It's as if he believed his own lies! And I don't want to have this on my back anymore!

I don't know what hurts the most, I think it was all the lies. I think he is now in a r/s with an exGF and I think about her almost as much I think about him. I'm angry at her too, and I picture them in my head... .   I fear I might be going crazy  :'( It just makes me SO angry that he's already with someone "new" while I'm still hurting because of him! I know that's immature and that it's no good to carry this anger but I don't know how to let it go. I'm already seeing a therapist, but I still think that this is too much to handle and I don't know if I'll ever completely heal. The thought of it alone frightens me. And he is always (or almost always) on my mind, I'm always missing him or hating him (or both at the same time, which I think it's the most common for me). I don't wanna hate him (or her), I don't want to carry all of this around. But I've tried exercising, doing yoga, seeing a therapist, going out, working and nothings seems to work. He is still there!

[AnalogGuy]

You know, I think you let go of the anger when you finally reach the point when you realize all you're doing is hurting yourself and it isn't fixing anything, or even getting back at your ex, either.

I was so angry... .   boy was I angry.  But really it just made me burn up inside and didn't change a damn thing.  Just wasted more days on top of the years I already wasted.

Letting go is hard.  It took me a while to really get the hang of it, but I'm better for it.  Now I honestly want the best for her.  I don't know what she's up to but I hope she's happy and has found whatever it is she needs.

Being angry over the past wrongs and the whole injustice of the divorce could last a life time.  I choose to be happy and free instead.

The key to letting go anger is realizing it just isn't helpful to you.

[Leaf]

Hi Wondering, I know, it hurts so much and it's so unfair. But you're the one that got away, so you're one step ahead of his new gf who –as you know– is going to be in big trouble. Two steps really, you have identified the problem and are already on the difficult no pain no gain route to recovery. You'll come out stronger at the other end.

If you haven't yet, maybe you could try:

- reading 'Narcissistic lovers – how to cope, recover and move on' by Zayn/Dibble, reading your post I think you'll find it extremely recognizable and that it will help you detach

- writing down the things he did to you so you don't have to keep going over them in your head

- reading about betrayal bonds: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=77344.msg1503448#msg1503448

- reading 'Feeling good' by Burns, it has a chapter (50 pages) about dealing with anger as well

- depends on your taste in music of course, but playing the albums ':)o you know' by Jessica Simpson and 'Breakaway' and 'Stronger' by Kelly Clarkson, they contain a lot of songs about personality disordered exes which helped me channel my feelings

[Dire Wolf]

I know it is hard to believe now, but, for me, time is the best healer.

The anger boiled in me for a long time. It was horrible. I spent evenings replaying all sorts of things from the past over and over. I tried to stay calm when I had to interact with the uBPDxw and she would keep pushing buttons until she got what she wanted: a fight.

Now, after years, I have let go of the anger. It is great. She can do whatever she wants and I don't care. I have tried to use my past as a reminder of what I did wrong and allowed to happen so I will never repeat it again.

Cut yourself some slack. Time takes, well, time to heal!

Keep doing the healthy things you are doing. You will be released from the anger and longing for him.

Good luck. Many of us have been where you are and know it is not easy.

Dire Wolf

[BradyK]

Hi Wondering --

I found anger to be really helpful for awhile, though it was very uncomfortable and scary. My ex moved on REALLY fast, and got engaged. I internalized it and at first thought it was me who wasn't worthy or lovable, or else he would have proposed to me not her blah blah blah. Then I got mad and it served to keep the bad and unjust things about the r/s uppermost in my mind for awhile, so I stopped missing some fantasy "prince" and confusing my pain for "true love".  

I think it was my self-esteem kicking in and sticking up for me. The anger went away after a time. It helped me to write it all down and get it out of my head. I spent some time everyday doing that. It also got boring! Same anger day after day after day... .   even I was like: you're still angry over that? You've written that 30 times at least! Get over it already!

Maybe your anger is serving you in ways you don't realize and it's just part of the process of moving on. You already are clear that you don't want to be angry forever and that you have days where you are better. That's good!

This is just a thought from experience. I also think the other replies here are really wise.

[Clearmind]

Anger is part of the grieving process. Ride through it rather than squash it down. Anger will help you see some clarity.

Some good ways to process anger in a constructive way is exercise.

Dig deep and find what that anger is hiding - it's usually masking fear and vulnerabilities and hurt. It's a natural response to a perceived threat.

Stages of Grief

[wanttoknowmore]

I was very angry in the first 2 weeks but then, realised it's not my loved one ... . its the disease which made her behave like this... .   my anger started to melt into compassion. I was able to separate my loved one and the disorder of her mind. It put things in perspective. She is not the one who is doing it... . its her illness that is making her do it... .   my poor suffering sweetheart... . that's how I feel and its hard to hate her now.

[healingmyheart]

wondering,

I hear ya'... .   I also am dealing with anger, bitterness, sadness, and then I vacillate and still have warm feelings for him and want to believe that maybe, just maybe he will get better somehow or maybe I'm just over exaggerating and it's all in my head.  Just craziness we put ourselves through, isn't it?  

I don't know how far out you are but I'm reaching 2 months and I still struggle with anger.  Yes, the lies and deceit are the most painful for me.  My ex had a physical affair with a married women before we got together and lied to me about that (she interesting was the one who introduced us) and after 6 months in the relationship, I found they were having an emotional affair.  He lied and tried to deceive me but I can never trust this man.  I'm mad not only at him but this so called "married" women who took it upon herself to bring me into the mix and then destroyed us.  I'll never understand why.  I would NEVER, EVER do things like that and honestly, I have a hard time comprehending how anyone else could.  At least my ex has a mental illness... .   what's her excuse?  Maybe she has BPD too... .   who knows?  

I spend almost 2 weeks in bed day and night crying and feeling hopeless, sad and with no desire to do a darn thing.  I think that was the rock body for me because I had no where else to go but up.  It is important to feel those painful emotions so you can heal.  It was so hard... .   I've never felt so alone in all my life.  The quietness was so deafening.  

I'm now at a point where I'm back to the gym and I'm trying my best to stay real busy.  If I'm busy, I truly don't have a lot of time to obsess about him.  

Hang in there.  Be patient with yourself.  I know it takes longer than you'd like but it's a process we must endure as painful as it is.  My hope is that I come out stronger and healthier.  I also believe something good comes out of everything no matter how bad it may seem.  

[wondering128]

Thank you for all your answers. I know you're all right, and I'll be thinking about everything you just told me (and reading the different links, thank you, leaf and clearmind!) . I also felt like I could relate to your stories (especially BradyK and healingmyheart). Knowing there's other people struggling with the same things, and who got over it and were stronger and better in the end also helps a lot. I hope that happens to me as well... .   It's been 3 months since we broke up, 5 weeks since our last contact. I guess I'll have to be patient and accept the fact that right now it's going to take some time for the pain and the anger to finally go away! Thanks again!

[imstronghere2]

Knowing there's other people struggling with the same things, and who got over it and were stronger and better in the end also helps a lot. I hope that happens to me as well... .   It's been 3 months since we broke up, 5 weeks since our last contact. I guess I'll have to be patient and accept the fact that right now it's going to take some time for the pain and the anger to finally go away! Thanks again!

3 months really isn't all that much time in the healing process.  Your anger is normal.  I'm 1 1/2 years out from my divorce from a 19 year marriage, 22 years total with my exwBPD and I still get angry at times.  It's not nearly as bad as it was the first year.  My anger became rage.  That was eating me alive.  Something that helped me was to square things up with a few of the guys that I knew were involved with her in various degrees while we were still married.  One was a neighbor, another was a social acquaintance and the third was someone I considered a friend.  Once I was able to talk to them civilly and rationally, I listened to what they had to say about their roles and what happened and how they feel now.   I was able to let go of my rage after that.  She used each and every one of them for her sick, uncontrollable need for attention.  The neighbor looked me in the eyes and said with what appeared to be his own astonishment - "she's crazy!".   Well, no kidding.  I know that all too well.  It was almost funny to see their reaction to the reality of who they were dealing with.  Suddenly, she's not so attractive when that happens.

Good luck in your healing process.  You are not alone in this and we understand what you're going through.

[seeking balance]

Great question wondering!

What I have found in my own recovery and watching the folks here is that the only way to let go is to go through it.  I remember a very real feeling that I was sick of me - sick of feeling everything I was feeling - was it ever going to go away. 

Lean into this feeling - really let yourself feel it all - go deep.  I recently heard that emotion is energy in motion... .   letting the energy flow is the quickest way to change that emotion.

Anger is necessary to process grief. 

Be patient, keep doing the work - it takes time.  Train your mind with your meditation practice to notice, but don't attach if he is in your mind.  Meditation practice really is useful for learning to train your brain on where/how to focus... .   it is challenging and none of us are perfect... .   but in between the chaos, there will be more and more moments of calm.

Hang in there,

SB