New member

[Fairy0726]

hello to all. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing, but I figured this was a good place to start. My mother has BPD. I'm sure this has shaped who I am today. I am a mother as well, 5 year old son. I was raised in emotional chaos, it terrifies me that I could some how pass all my disfunction to him. I try to be as normal as possible, but do I really even know what this is? I've been trying to repress it for years, but it seems to have surfaced today. I've been trying to find books on how to be a good parent after being raised by an untreated BPD parent all my life. Any suggestions I would gladly take.

[jrx]

Hi F, I'm new here too. Everyone has been very supportive and it's helped me to feel connected with others in the same situation. One of my friends had a mother with BPD. I don't know your situation well enough to comment with any expertise - I can share with you that she feels similar to what you describe.

I'm not sure repression worked well for her mom. It seemed like a cycle of bottling up and feeling bad at the random moments when it gets unleashed. There are discussions on this board which may be of better help:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

In particular, there are threads about children and BPD parents. With my BPD relationship, my hope would be for her to read something like this and address her relationship with her parent, as opposed to what they might be "passing" onto others.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=198300.0

Again, I'm no expert - I just know for my own experience that blaming and shaming yourself is a painful way to go through life, and that focusing on yourself first helps you care for others better. It's similar to being on an airplane when they say to put the oxygen mask on yourself first.

[sad but wiser]

Dear Fairy,

I can relate to the scary, ":)on't let me pass it on!" thing.  A five year old is an amazing thing!  One minute you are bursting with pride, the next you stand in shocked silence, then you have to laugh out loud at their antics!  The main thing with children is to give them goals they can achieve, love them, help them become independent, love them, say, "I'm not happy with they way you are acting right now," (rather than I am not happy with you), love them, enjoy being with them, love them,... .  

Love covers a myriad of wrongs, including the wrong things we do to our own kids.  Occasionally, you will respond in the wrong way to your son.  Be quick to apologize and say you will not do that again.  Then don't do that again.  Make some other mistake. 

How about trying the Focus on the Family website?  They have some great suggestions for dealing with and raising children in a positive way.  Best of luck.

[doubleAries]

Hi fairy, and 

We all understand your fear of "becoming like her". you've come to the right place! We have lots of great resources here on bpdfamily.com's--videos, articles, workshops, chat groups--where you can learn not only about the actual parameters of what it was you grew up with, but also how to break the cycle, heal and grow for yourself.

How has this affected you? How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

One of the main things those of us who grew up with a BPD parent don't learn is boundaries Boundaries Tools of Respect

Are you still in contact with your mother? Does she interact with your son?

Look forward to more of your story!

doubleAries