Maybe we complicate things?

[Depression = 72% of members]

As part of my healing, like many of us, I've been digging up all my past demons. I've dug up so much that at times it has been overwhelming, exhausting and I'm beginning to believe unnecessary. 

Recently, I made something of a break through ... .  

1. My ex is a jerk. I don't care if he had BPD/OCD or not. He is a jerk. His mental illness does not and never did excuse his behavior. He knew what he was doing. That makes him a jerk. Simple!  In fact, isolating it like this has been extremely healing. Without digging up the past or adding to the situation ... .   it's simple ... .     he is a jerk. It's provided the closure I've been looking for.

2. Why did I put up with it? Well, as I stated in another thread, I became ill and my self-esteem/worth nose-dived and I was grateful that he was around. Dealing with why I put up with it?  How I changed? What changed? Has completely shifted the focus to myself and has allowed for true healing to begin.

I had the two mixed up and combined. I kept digging into my FOO. I kept analyzing my actions. Then it hit me. One thing may be affected by the other and may affect the other but that doesn't mean that one caused the other.

In the end, it's so much more simple than I had made it.

This all started a few weeks ago during a conversation with a good friend. I realized I don't care about the past anymore ... .     I just want to be happy.  I deserve happiness again.  And what will it take for me to be happy again?                   

I wonder how many of us on this board have made our own healing more complicated and painful than necessary? I know I have.

Ask yourself if you want to be happy? If the answer is yes, then figure out what it will take to be happy today. Make today the best day you can.

[Finished]

As part of my healing, like many of us, I've been digging up all my past demons. I've dug up so much that at times it has been overwhelming, exhausting and I'm beginning to believe unnecessary. 

Recently, I made something of a break through ... .  

1. My ex is a jerk. I don't care if he had BPD/OCD or not. He is a jerk. His mental illness does not and never did excuse his behavior. He knew what he was doing. That makes him a jerk. Simple!  In fact, isolating it like this has been extremely healing. Without digging up the past or adding to the situation ... .   it's simple ... .     he is a jerk. It's provided the closure I've been looking for.

2. Why did I put up with it? Well, as I stated in another thread, I became ill and my self-esteem/worth nose-dived and I was grateful that he was around. Dealing with why I put up with it?  How I changed? What changed? Has completely shifted the focus to myself and has allowed for true healing to begin.

I had the two mixed up and combined. I kept digging into my FOO. I kept analyzing my actions. Then it hit me. One thing may be affected by the other and may affect the other but that doesn't mean that one caused the other.

In the end, it's so much more simple than I had made it.

This all started a few weeks ago during a conversation with a good friend. I realized I don't care about the past anymore ... .     I just want to be happy.  I deserve happiness again.  And what will it take for me to be happy again?                   

I wonder how many of us on this board have made our own healing more complicated and painful than necessary? I know I have.

Ask yourself if you want to be happy? If the answer is yes, then figure out what it will take to be happy today. Make today the best day you can.

[yeeter]

 

[hithere]

I wonder how many of us on this board have made our own healing more complicated and painful than necessary? I know I have.

Probably most of us, I know I did but it seems to be a human condition... .  

It is really hard to let go of the past because we are molded by it.  With that said I have found it very liberating to move forward and accept my part in my past and learn from it.

[maria1]

I think that's a really good question. I do wonder if I delve too far looking for answers when I may not need to delve as far as I do at times.

But I do know that my father was pretty narcissistic and my brother probably had a personality disorder. I would not have realised these things if I hadn't had the relationship with BPDex and then found this website and then begun digging into me. It has been painful to do. I have had to face things I have avoided all my life.

I am glad that I have started this journey. I don't want to turn it all against me. What I'm trying to remember is that to like myself is something I need to learn properly, more from the roots up this time. Because actually, despite it all I'm pretty ok.

Don't know if that makes any sense to your story. We all have our own way through this.

[Finished]

Maria, makes perfect sense to me ... .  

I wonder how many of us on this board have made our own healing more complicated and painful than necessary? I know I have.

Probably most of us, I know I did but it seems to be a human condition... .  

It is really hard to let go of the past because we are molded by it.  With that said I have found it very liberating to move forward and accept my part in my past and learn from it.

In my case I couldn't wrap my head around the things my ex did. I honestly never thought a person could be so deceitful and manipulative. I wanted things to make sense so badly that I started dredging up everything from my own past to see where I was to blame for things. Because then, maybe it would make sense. In the process I started beating myself up over and over for my own past life. The problem with this for me is that while my own past has molded me it doesn't define who I am - but I began to let it. When faced with a lifetime of my own personal failures it's easy to get down. The problem is that everyone has a lifetime of pain and failures. If that is all we focus on then that is all we see. Since my ex wouldn't provide any explanations or closure I started digging into myself.

Did I uncover things that I needed to address? Yes. But I also uncovered things that should have been left alone.

I truly have come to terms with the reality that it's more simple than I wanted it to be. I wanted some explanation. I wanted things to make sense. I wanted the security and safety that comes from that knowledge. And I went to extremes in my own self-analysis to try to find it. The simple truth is ... .   My ex was a jerk.

I think when we try to bring up all of our issues/failures/hurts it may be too much to deal with. There is a reason that we forget things with time. There is a reason that time provides a type of healing. There is a reason that we see things differently as time goes by. No human can deal with a lifetime of this stuff constantly and at once. Things need to go away so we can be happy.

[maria1]

As long as we don't do it again- and again. I don't want any more relationships with disordered people. That's part of the reason why I've gone digging and keep digging.

The father of my children is an alcoholic. I can't get away from that.

If you can carry on with your life from this point forward and can see that it was a one then its not such a big deal maybe. My expwBPD realises his failures. He then runs from them but he knows he's a jerk. That helps me and I think I got off lightly so I didn't have to turn it on me. I wanted to.

[KE151]

I've been thinking along these same lines lately.

I think I've started to over analyze myself, my past r/s's (not just the BPD one) and also all my exes. Why can't I just live, enjoy life in the present, and not think too much about the why's and the how's and the psychology of things... .   ? I never did this before the BPD r/s. And I was a happy go lucky person, sort of anyway.

I want to start to live life "normally" again, but maybe the BPD experience changed that for good. I cannot magically make myself unaware of noticing people's personality traits, my own emotional issues or the knowledge that I may get hurt. I've lost my "life virginity", my innocence. It's hard to accept I can't go back to being just a "regular guy" who doesn't bother himself with complicated r/s stuff... .   I sometimes feel like a complete outsider because of this, seeing things others don't, and nobody can really relate to this.

My reply went slightly off topic, and all over the place in general, apologies for that... .  

[Maryiscontrary]

Well, I realized that I needed to be more of a hardass, because both of my exes, as well as all of the family men in my life, are jerks. Yes, mental illness is one thing, but gross  and deliberate lapses in basic morality and cowardice are another.

One thing, I realized, BPD or not, is that there are a lot of chicken sh!ts in this world. Cowards that take the easy way out.

[Finished]

Mary I couldn't agree more.

I made excuses for my ex ... .   "He didn't mean it. He has a mental illness" ... .   Even if he didn't mean it ... . The behaviors were still wrong and hurtful ... .  

I have realized I used to make excuses for people's behaviors too much ... .   I thought I was being understanding, kind and compassionate ... .   There is a definite limit ... .   If it walks like a jerk and talks like a jerk ... .   It's a jerk ... .   And the best thing to do with a jerk is avoid them ... .  

It's not my job to understand people better than they understand themselves ... .   I know some people with depression and other issues ... .   Guess what? They treat people kindly and nicely ... .   So it can be done ... .  

[catsprt]

May be there is a time for complications & ruminations and a point when we are ready to leave the past behind... .   Personally I care less if someone is a jerk today than I used to six or eighteen months ago. The reason? I do not feel le need to fix the situation anymore and I can now think about doing something else... .   like focusing my attention on what is really happening .

[Finished]

May be there is a time for complications & ruminations and a point when we are ready to leave the past behind... .   Personally I care less if someone is a jerk today than I used to six or eighteen months ago. The reason? I do not feel le need to fix the situation anymore and I can now think about doing something else... .   like focusing my attention on what is really happening .

Yup, that's kinda my point. I don't care like I once did. Now if someone falls in the jerk category why waste time on them?

Then move on to something important ... .  

[Surnia]

I agree, Finished, the endless thinking about why something happened can be really a trap.

Thats way I really like the behavioural way. Changing things in my life. And even little things in the daily routine.

It's not my job to understand people better than they understand themselves

[Finished]

I agree, Finished, the endless thinking about why something happened can be really a trap.

Thats way I really like the behavioural way. Changing things in my life. And even little things in the daily routine.

It's not my job to understand people better than they understand themselves

Thank you. I used to be a diehard behaviorist. I always believed that if I changed my behaviors then my emotions would follow. If I don't like something. Do something different.

Then I met my ex and behaviorism did not work at all. Over those four years I just forgot about it because it kept failing over and over.

Maybe it's time to resurrect my behaviorist beliefs again.

[VeryFree]

I understand what you're saying and I couldn't agree more, but... .  

I'm still trying to see the sense in all this; the sense in my stbBPDxw

And when (everytime) I can't see it, I'm trying to reason my way out... .  

Only to be kicked back again.

I see this pattern, I know I should stand up for myself and don't let it happen, but is seems so hard. I think I'm afraid of making a wrong move that complicates things anymore. On top of that: I don't really see how I can react to her manipulations, her trying to trigger me.

But I your post is helpfull, because it encourages me to think about a better future! It is possible. Thanks for that. 

[Finished]

I understand what you're saying and I couldn't agree more, but... .  

I'm still trying to see the sense in all this; the sense in my stbBPDxw

And when (everytime) I can't see it, I'm trying to reason my way out... .  

Only to be kicked back again.

I see this pattern, I know I should stand up for myself and don't let it happen, but is seems so hard. I think I'm afraid of making a wrong move that complicates things anymore. On top of that: I don't really see how I can react to her manipulations, her trying to trigger me.

But I your post is helpfull, because it encourages me to think about a better future! It is possible. Thanks for that. 

Believe me I understand the part about not understanding any of it ... .   The lack of understanding ... .   The lack of traceable patterns ... .   The lack of logic ... .   The lack of an explanation ... .   I tried for years to make sense of it ... .   It's only recently that I've gotten to the point where I don't care anymore to make sense of it ... .   It will never make sense to me ... .  

But it is a trap ... .   It keeps us engaged in the relationship long after it's over and saps our energy ... .   The only way I got to this point is I finally got too tired to care anymore ... .  

However, even now ... .   If I let myself ... .   I can still try to make sense of it except now, unlike in the past, when I start trying to make sense of it I immediately give up and think of something else ... .   Believe me it took a long time to get to this point ... .  

On the brightside I now have a new awareness ... .   When encountering people who don't make sense I no longer see them as a puzzle or a mystery to be solved and understood ... .   I just walk away ... .   People don't interest me nearly as much as they used too :-)

[VeryFree]

A nice rolemodel