She emailed me tonight

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So the ex emailed me tonight. After I broke up with her on feb 4th. After she sent me an email on feb 5th still lying about going on a date and blaming things on me. After sending me a stupid 'chantix.com will help you quit smoking' email 2-3 weeks later and then goes and gets into a relationship the next day and after sending me a request on LinkedIn last Sunday. She keeps trying to bait me in while maintaining control.

Anyway we exchanged a few emails. I was very detached. It was natural. But I was cordial and just gave her sound reasoning why she shouldn't leave her current job for another which she thinks she'll like more cause she's impulsive and she's just not doing well I'm sure.

Anyway. It's funny how different things are now that I know a good amount about BPD and just don't drool at everything she says and just blindly believe everything she says.

I could see her pushing/pulling, trying to manipulate, playing victim and all that stuff. She Ben had the nerve to lie to me about how she needs to be alone right now when I'm pretty sure she was at her new boyfriend's place when she was emailing me. (She brought up the single line cause I told her I would bet her money it wasn't her job causing her so much stress as it was her going in and out of relationships.)

Anyway in the beginning I could t help but send her a pic of me flexing in my new cycling bib shorts (I just took the pic yesterday to send to a couple friends as a joke) but she kinda set me up and I wanted to show her that I look pretty jacked now. (A little wrong of me yes but it really was a great setup - her email sad something how she watched this movie and the guy in it reminded her of me and so how could I not send back 'maybe but he doesn't look like this'.

Anyway like I said all the emails from both sides were cordial and all. I could see her trying to get me to not act so detached but I didn't bite. My last email was wishin her good luck with whatever she decided. She replied with the same and said she misses me. I didn't reply to that. Don't feel like it. I suspect she's waiting for me to write back that I miss her too and to beg to ask to get together to which she's oblige and then we'd sleep together and then she'll say she doesn't know what she wants or needs to be alone or whatever. I just know I'm done with all the nonsense.

Besides I'm sure she's gonna reach out again after she sees that I'm not. Which is just Terrible cause she's got a boyfriend right now.

Anyway. I feel good.

[fakename]

So the ex emailed me tonight. After I broke up with her on feb 4th. After she sent me an email on feb 5th still lying about going on a date and blaming things on me. After sending me a stupid 'chantix.com will help you quit smoking' email 2-3 weeks later and then goes and gets into a relationship the next day and after sending me a request on LinkedIn last Sunday. She keeps trying to bait me in while maintaining control.

Anyway we exchanged a few emails. I was very detached. It was natural. But I was cordial and just gave her sound reasoning why she shouldn't leave her current job for another which she thinks she'll like more cause she's impulsive and she's just not doing well I'm sure.

Anyway. It's funny how different things are now that I know a good amount about BPD and just don't drool at everything she says and just blindly believe everything she says.

I could see her pushing/pulling, trying to manipulate, playing victim and all that stuff. She Ben had the nerve to lie to me about how she needs to be alone right now when I'm pretty sure she was at her new boyfriend's place when she was emailing me. (She brought up the single line cause I told her I would bet her money it wasn't her job causing her so much stress as it was her going in and out of relationships.)

Anyway in the beginning I could t help but send her a pic of me flexing in my new cycling bib shorts (I just took the pic yesterday to send to a couple friends as a joke) but she kinda set me up and I wanted to show her that I look pretty jacked now. (A little wrong of me yes but it really was a great setup - her email sad something how she watched this movie and the guy in it reminded her of me and so how could I not send back 'maybe but he doesn't look like this'.

Anyway like I said all the emails from both sides were cordial and all. I could see her trying to get me to not act so detached but I didn't bite. My last email was wishin her good luck with whatever she decided. She replied with the same and said she misses me. I didn't reply to that. Don't feel like it. I suspect she's waiting for me to write back that I miss her too and to beg to ask to get together to which she's oblige and then we'd sleep together and then she'll say she doesn't know what she wants or needs to be alone or whatever. I just know I'm done with all the nonsense.

Besides I'm sure she's gonna reach out again after she sees that I'm not. Which is just Terrible cause she's got a boyfriend right now.

Anyway. I feel good.

[Louise7777]

Hey fakename! You feel good and so do I. You seem very strong and wont fall for that typical behaviour. Im happy for u.

Have a great weekend. 

[fakename]

Thanks Cristina.

I've been wondering how I would respond when she eventually reached out. And I did well.

I think it helped that I had a productive day, had a good phone interview and was out cycling when I saw the email. My point being I wasn't just sitting around the house moping and feeling bad about things. And I think that makes all the difference. How I've been taking care of myself mentally and physically makes the difference otherwise I would've asked her to meet.

It's funny. Normally, after she would reach out, right now would be when we either were sleeping next to each otherwise or on our respective beds with our phones on speakerphone as we fell asleep. This time, I feel like I'm getting my self respect back. I'm proud of myself.

[Louise7777]

And you shpuld be proud of yourself. Its not easy to end a relationship, even harder when dealing with a BPD. Keep up the good work.

[Clearmind]

FN, can you clarify for me one thing?

Do you feel good because you could remain detached, see the dynamic for what it is and know you need to work on you first or foremost or do you feel good because you feel you "got her one"?

[fakename]

Hahah clearmind, I feel good for the first reasons you listed. Mainly being able to stay detached.

And I do feel a little good letting her know that this time around I'm not being self destructive but rather improving myself.

[fakename]

so i'm still doing well, just focusing on what i have to,

but throughout the day its just been bothering me that after not talking for 2 months and even though we have nothing to do with each other anymore, that she still has to include pointless lies in our conversation... .   its annoying me cause its so ridiculous.  whats the point

[Clearmind]

FN, we need to get to the point where this does not bother us and it will. Give yourself time.

Tit for tat games will only hurt us in the end. Let go of what she is doing - it feels like she is doing to you but she is actually doing it because of how she feels about herself.

Exercise some empathy for her and her illness - even more importantly - exercise some kindness and compassion for you.

[fakename]

Clearmind,

I can understand that, but how can I exercise empathy or her and the illness without identifying to her that she has the illness. To me, I can't exercise empathy for her and at the same time turn a cheek and let her face more misery without knowing how to at least try to rectify the problem.

At least that's my point of view. Or maybe I don't understand what exercising empathy means

I feel better though. Will also focus on not letting these new developments bother me

[Clearmind]

FN, empathy is placing yourself in another persons shoes or understanding another person's condition from their perspective.

Telling a personal they have a mental illness is not showing empathy - I wanted to tell my partner he had BPD too however I soon realised what my motive was - my motive was selfish - I wanted to tell him for my own gain - so he would get well and we (I) could live happy ever after.

Not our role FN. It is however the role of a professional if your ex decides to seek therapy - has to be her choice. Borderlines rarely get help until they hit rock bottom. You cannot save her - she needs to seek it for herself.

Therefore exercising empathy is understanding how difficult it would be for her, if you were to tell her you suspect she is BPD! Emotional fall out for her will be huge and you are not equipped to handle it. I am sure you wouldn't like if she turned around and accused you of having BPD! Same thing.

We cannot be martyrs  - sacrifice ourselves to make another OK - your ex's discomfort is possibly the one thing that may encourage her to get help - let her falter.

We all grow through adversity.

[fakename]

Clearmind.

I agree with what you say.

In the beginning I did want to tell her she had BPD for my own selfish reasons which I outlined in a different post. But hen you mentioned empathy I thought that that would encompass helping her by way of nudging, not directly telling her she has BPD.  As I think more clearly after briefly being blinded by the contact, it's not my place I tell, but I do feel bad and hope she suffers less and isnt just dumped by others causing her more pain.

Also I think I need to reign in my ego. It could very wel be that she didn't have ulterior motives when contacting me just needed someone to say hi to who genuinely cared for her and just missed me. I imagine its the same as when a normal person misses a friend and contacts them or when two exes are on somewhat friendly terms?

Bottom line is I don't know and it's not my place to presume things. I also have no idea whether she is with someone or not and its not my place to assume or judge. I can see how because of our past its now my first reaction not to give the benefit of the doubt and to assume she's lying or misleading or manipulating.

It's not my place to care or make a big deal out of it because we both made the decision to move on.

I don't know if this is right or not buys its how I'm thinking at the moment.