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Author Topic: If this has happened to you . pls reply.  (Read 697 times)
nak

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« on: April 06, 2013, 12:37:03 AM »

My BPD g/f met someone and started dating within 6 weeks of me taking our two kids and leaving. 90 days after we left she now says she's getting engaged.

For the life of me, has anyone experienced a BPD ex fly into a marriage so quick? Anything similar ?

I'm still wrapping my head around this as I've spent the last 3 mos trying to get back with her. Sometimes she's said maybe, sometimes she said no and one time she said yes and that let to sex 30 days ago. Heeelp!
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nak

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« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2013, 12:39:01 AM »

I didn't know at the time we had sex that she'd met someone or else I would have never gone to bed with her. I got some clues and started putting the pieces together.  The idea of someone else sleeping with the mother of my kids turns my stomach .
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nylonsquid
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #2 on: April 06, 2013, 12:56:34 AM »

Hi Nak,

Yes, this happened to me. She loves seeing you want her back. My exBPDgf cried when she broke up with me (I didn't know about BPD at the time) for no good reason. I walked away calmly saying "I don't deserve this" but she cried so much which left me confused. I thought maybe I did something to make her so insecure... .   I ended up trying to win her back and she said "I'll keep it in mind".   During this time while she was thinking about getting back with me, she'd ask favors from me for her work. Nylonsquid to the rescue! Unknown to me was that she was already dating someone. All this within a month of breaking up  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) Finally, she told me she's seeing someone. She did this to rub it in my face. I know that she started a relationship with this person that lasted 5 months where she learned his language, dressed in his home country's traditional dresses, ate their traditional food and planned on moving to his country with intentions of marriage.

During her relationship I was grieving while I learnt about BPD I felt I was ready to see her again and see things for what they were. I went through a recycle and guess what? I relived my entire past relationship with her a second time in EXACTLY the same time frame (August-January). She dumped me the same way and I have strong suspicion she's with someone who comes from the same culture as the ex before me. Talk about patterns... .  

It was very painful for me to know the woman I loved slept with another man as I was still emotionally attached and trying to win her back. The more I read about BPD the more I knew to not take it personally. I know it's hard.

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nak

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« Reply #3 on: April 06, 2013, 01:03:00 AM »

nylonsquid:

It's comforting, in an uncomfortable way, to know that I'm not alone. I know it must turn your stomach to even think of your love in bed w/ someone else.

I know it turns mine.

So I guess she never got married ?

I thought I would have time to win her back b/c she's got kids in the house that live with her as well as her father . Nope! She's got the dude spending the night and my kids beds and toys are still in our/her bedroom.   
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nylonsquid
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« Reply #4 on: April 06, 2013, 01:16:55 AM »

I know it must turn your stomach to even think of your love in bed w/ someone else.

I know it turns mine.

Nak: I don't believe in the supernatural but I could have sworn that I knew the days she slept with him as I woke up wanting to puke. Its sickening. And what's strange is going for a recycle and getting into the devil's bed for another go at the relationship knowing another man was there and this time equipped with BPD knowledge. I felt I had the tools to survive and not fall for her. I think I did okay the second time because I was aware of everything that was happening and I sometimes called out the stage of our relationship. I even warned her how she was looking for a way out of the relationship by coming up with reasons to cause drama when there wasn't anything. She couldn't help herself though like a little child wanting to spoil the party.

No, she never got married. She called him a sociopath with no emotions. It was easy for me to read her at that point and I put things together to realize she was projecting and that him and their mutual friend called her a sociopath.
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BradyK
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« Reply #5 on: April 06, 2013, 01:32:26 AM »

Hi Nak --

I wasn't married to my undiagnosed exBPDbf, and we had only been together 6 months. But yes, he was engaged 2.5 weeks after we broke up, and he married about 6 weeks after that. He met the girl 3 days after we broke up. Less than a week before he met her, he had taken me out to a romantic candlelit dinner and said all sorts of wonderful things to me! He seemed devastated when we broke up! Very clingy and many tears! "I will always love you" etc.

I was shocked, to say the least, when I heard it. I really can't describe how terrible it was, nor do I want to revisit those emotions!

Here is what helped me in the short term: I wished him well via phone message and went No Contact. I asked mutual friends not to talk about him to me. I deleted my FB account so I could not monitor him. If he had contacted me I would have changed my phone numbers and email. I went to a therapist. I made a lot of social engagements with friends of mine who did not know him. I avoided going near our old haunts. I avoided his friends and family, politely but firmly.

We had been LC before I heard of his engagement and it was confusing. I was still getting mixed messages, still hoping that we could work it out. The space and distance afforded by No Contact helped me get some rest, some perspective, and basically regain my own sanity and health. It was really hard, but soon I felt better about myself for taking some control and because I stopped seeking validation from this very unreliable source. The relief from the drama was vital. From there I could do the real work of healing -- but that came later.

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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #6 on: April 06, 2013, 01:47:53 AM »

Hi Nak --

I wasn't married to my undiagnosed exBPDbf, and we had only been together 6 months. But yes, he was engaged 2.5 weeks after we broke up, and he married about 6 weeks after that. He met the girl 3 days after we broke up. Less than a week before he met her, he had taken me out to a romantic candlelit dinner and said all sorts of wonderful things to me! He seemed devastated when we broke up! Very clingy and many tears! "I will always love you" etc.

I was shocked, to say the least, when I heard it. I really can't describe how terrible it was, nor do I want to revisit those emotions!

Here is what helped me in the short term: I wished him well via phone message and went No Contact. I asked mutual friends not to talk about him to me. I deleted my FB account so I could not monitor him. If he had contacted me I would have changed my phone numbers and email. I went to a therapist. I made a lot of social engagements with friends of mine who did not know him. I avoided going near our old haunts. I avoided his friends and family, politely but firmly.

We had been LC before I heard of his engagement and it was confusing. I was still getting mixed messages, still hoping that we could work it out. The space and distance afforded by No Contact helped me get some rest, some perspective, and basically regain my own sanity and health. It was really hard, but soon I felt better about myself for taking some control and because I stopped seeking validation from this very unreliable source. The relief from the drama was vital. From there I could do the real work of healing -- but that came later.

Man man man, all those stories make my heart go out.   Disgusting, this, this illness is no joke.
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mtmc01
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« Reply #7 on: April 06, 2013, 01:51:54 AM »

Mine moved on to another guy within a few weeks of leaving me and knew him from her church group for at least several weeks before. WE were engaged within 3 weeks of meeting, so it would be pretty hilarious/sad if she repeated that with this poor guy.
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #8 on: April 06, 2013, 02:12:36 AM »

Sorry to hear of this pain, but they strike like lightning.  I was with mine for two and half years, she was married within 8 weeks of me being left confused, bewildered, and searching for answers... .   but there were none, the only thing close to an answer your going to get is only to know they are very mentally ill.  How any person could try to hurt someone that badly I don't know, BPD or not, when you kiss your SO other goodbye in the morning and that night have another person sitting at a candle lit dinner table, then when the SO other gets home ask why are you here?   you shouldn't be here now like you usually are-you are ruining our dinner here-     they not only want to kill  us, they love and enjoy the chaos that ensues.   

Sometimes I see a piece or two of the Jodie Arias trial and think thats pretty much what I avoided being married to, thank Jesus. 

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wanttoknowmore
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« Reply #9 on: April 06, 2013, 06:15:02 AM »

I agree with you, scotisgone. Their illness makes them behave in weird ways.

I  hate this illness BUT I dont hate the person now that I am conviced that it was the illness doing it to them.
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #10 on: April 06, 2013, 06:25:43 AM »

I agree with you, scotisgone. Their illness makes them behave in weird ways.

I  hate this illness BUT I dont hate the person now that I am conviced that it was the illness doing it to them.

You can't seperate one from the other. Otherwise you might feel pity for the person and sorry, while the disorder is playing the 'control buttons'. The disorder is the person.

And weird ways? ... . I think we should mention it by its NAME ... . they behave emotional immature and walk away without taking any responsibility.
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Whichwayisup
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« Reply #11 on: April 06, 2013, 07:14:41 AM »

This is the point I am at currently, she began intimate relations with another fella around 17th march and had been sleeping on the settee since the 13th, I thought she had been in a cycle of dusregulation but it appears she at least had some guilt and couldn't bring herself to sleep in the bed beside me... .   And when she did spend a day in bed, she wouldn't get inside the covers... .   In hindsight I can only assume this was guilt... .  

I can see that emotionally she had moved on but until I caught her evidence in the text messages I didn't want to believe she had made the break.

Now I can't think of anything sexual without images of her and him... .   I screen grabbed the texts they shared so that I have evidence in case we go all the way to court... . And it looks like we can't get an amicable solution as I don't want her back in the house and she is retaliating by not discussing any arrangements, kids, parenting etc.

It appears that something simply switched this time and the dusregulation turned into her making a break for it to find a new victim... .   My three little angels played no part in this, I can live with the part I played but they do not deserve this fallout... .  
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catnap
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« Reply #12 on: April 06, 2013, 07:37:48 AM »

nak,

It is not uncommon for them to keep the old r/s semi-viable while pursing a new r/s.  Chances are this was going on when you first met her.  It is all about her and her needs.  While she may or may not be actually getting married, all you have written indicates she is in a new relationship. 

Excerpt
Nope! She's got the dude spending the night and my kids beds and toys are still in our/her bedroom.

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

Has anything legally been done about custody or visitation for your children?

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LMNO

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« Reply #13 on: April 06, 2013, 08:49:15 AM »

I'm truly sorry to hear your story Nak. I know all about the sick feeling you mention.
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nak

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« Reply #14 on: April 06, 2013, 12:58:17 PM »

I am going to file next week. My A advised that I have an overwhelming case. She has two suicide attempts in the last 12 mos, a conviction for destruction of property, an notable work history ( 18 jobs in the past 6 yrs ) , and works 7 days a week and doesn't get off work early enough to pick up the kids, additionally the kids have lived with me ever since I left ( status quo work in my favor ?. ) . I am primary care giver , pick up and drop off at school and fix prepare meals everyday. Basically we live day to day as if she's dead, except for when she visits occasionally for just 15 min at a time. Sez she's too busy with wok.
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apple
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« Reply #15 on: April 06, 2013, 09:10:24 PM »

My BPD g/f met someone and started dating within 6 weeks of me taking our two kids and leaving. 90 days after we left she now says she's getting engaged.

For the life of me, has anyone experienced a BPD ex fly into a marriage so quick? Anything similar ?

I'm still wrapping my head around this as I've spent the last 3 mos trying to get back with her. Sometimes she's said maybe, sometimes she said no and one time she said yes and that let to sex 30 days ago. Heeelp!

My udBPDexw moved a guy into the house with my kids 6 weeks after divorce and was engaged. She married him a few months later and the marriage lasted less than 60 days... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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HarmKrakow
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« Reply #16 on: April 06, 2013, 09:18:59 PM »

My BPD g/f met someone and started dating within 6 weeks of me taking our two kids and leaving. 90 days after we left she now says she's getting engaged.

For the life of me, has anyone experienced a BPD ex fly into a marriage so quick? Anything similar ?

I'm still wrapping my head around this as I've spent the last 3 mos trying to get back with her. Sometimes she's said maybe, sometimes she said no and one time she said yes and that let to sex 30 days ago. Heeelp!

My udBPDexw moved a guy into the house with my kids 6 weeks after divorce and was engaged. She married him a few months later and the marriage lasted less than 60 days... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Im sorry, but that actually made me smile. I mean you can't get a more acknowledged answer that she is a bit ku-ku than this can u?
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apple
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« Reply #17 on: April 06, 2013, 09:33:53 PM »

My BPD g/f met someone and started dating within 6 weeks of me taking our two kids and leaving. 90 days after we left she now says she's getting engaged.

For the life of me, has anyone experienced a BPD ex fly into a marriage so quick? Anything similar ?

I'm still wrapping my head around this as I've spent the last 3 mos trying to get back with her. Sometimes she's said maybe, sometimes she said no and one time she said yes and that let to sex 30 days ago. Heeelp!

My udBPDexw moved a guy into the house with my kids 6 weeks after divorce and was engaged. She married him a few months later and the marriage lasted less than 60 days... . Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Im sorry, but that actually made me smile. I mean you can't get a more acknowledged answer that she is a bit ku-ku than this can u?

Absolutely!

He was her 4th husband by age 37. She takes no responsibility for any of her marriages and has blame and or excuses for the demise of all of them. The hard part for me is that I have 2 young children with her and I know it will happen again since the chance of her recognizing she has a problem is next to nil... .  

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