Which one of these holiday's is/was the worst for you an your BPD?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

(Tried to make a poll but forgot I am not a Moderator here... . haha... . )

The Poll question was:

Which one of these holiday's is/was the worst for you and your BPD?

choices were:

Valentine's Day

Christmas

New Year's Eve

Your Birthday

Their Birthday

======================

For me well... .   they all connect to almost equal exquisite pain. Second place, but really a tie of sorts is My Birthday.

Oh, the stories for each of them... .   except maybe Christmas... .   but that was usually a break for the coupe de grace on New Year's Eve... .

If it's not one of the choices listed... .   feel free to write in your own!

For me the winner by far is Valentine's Day... .   Now known forever in my mind as St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

I might be ready to try with my ex but the true test will be V Day... .   as it is the blackest of memories... .  

And dollars to donuts come next Valentine's Day... . assuming we are happily together (trying here) without a doubt in my mind, my memory of the pain caused to me 5 years ago on that day, has zero chance of her remembering or even getting what I am talking about when I say... .   "Valentine's Day will never be celebrated again in my life."

She looks blankly at me... .   completely clueless... .   it's incredible... .

I guess it was nothing personal... .   to quote her at the time, "I love you. You are my soulmate. EVerything you feel about me, I feel towards you. You are in my life and my heart every day, wherever i go. I went to him to see if I truly loved you"

Yes. She said that.

(I'll give her credit this year though... . She actually sent me flowers... . I almost gave them to my doorman (it's his birthday too) but accepted them and when I opened the card and before I knew who sent them, I was prepared to be annoyed if they were from her or if they weren't)

[Hurt llama]

(Tried to make a poll but forgot I am not a Moderator here... . haha... . )

The Poll question was:

Which one of these holiday's is/was the worst for you and your BPD?

choices were:

Valentine's Day

Christmas

New Year's Eve

Your Birthday

Their Birthday

======================

For me well... .   they all connect to almost equal exquisite pain. Second place, but really a tie of sorts is My Birthday.

Oh, the stories for each of them... .   except maybe Christmas... .   but that was usually a break for the coupe de grace on New Year's Eve... .

If it's not one of the choices listed... .   feel free to write in your own!

For me the winner by far is Valentine's Day... .   Now known forever in my mind as St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

I might be ready to try with my ex but the true test will be V Day... .   as it is the blackest of memories... .  

And dollars to donuts come next Valentine's Day... . assuming we are happily together (trying here) without a doubt in my mind, my memory of the pain caused to me 5 years ago on that day, has zero chance of her remembering or even getting what I am talking about when I say... .   "Valentine's Day will never be celebrated again in my life."

She looks blankly at me... .   completely clueless... .   it's incredible... .

I guess it was nothing personal... .   to quote her at the time, "I love you. You are my soulmate. EVerything you feel about me, I feel towards you. You are in my life and my heart every day, wherever i go. I went to him to see if I truly loved you"

Yes. She said that.

(I'll give her credit this year though... . She actually sent me flowers... . I almost gave them to my doorman (it's his birthday too) but accepted them and when I opened the card and before I knew who sent them, I was prepared to be annoyed if they were from her or if they weren't)

[mtmc01]

Is there an "all of the above"? 

Valentine's Day- allowed me to buy her $500 in gifts & spend $100 on dinner... .   left the next morning

Christmas- snuck a suitcase full of wine disguised in gatorade bottles to my parents house & got hammered and embarrassed herself. I said I didn't know if I could do this anymore and she should fly home. She wandered out into the freezing cold without anyone knowing & after we searched for an hour and found her, she took her entire bottle of Celexa.

New Year's Eve- she had actually been going to AA, so this was ok. Not great, but ok.

My Birthday- got drunk, ruined it

Her Birthday- still mirroring phase, was ok

July 4th- went to the supermarket with her mom in the morning, came back so drunk she couldn't walk and passed out for the rest of the day

Halloween- got drunk the several days before. We tried counseling on Halloween. She stormed out because he tried calling her on her BS.

Thanksgiving- got drunk the several days before, I flew home by myself to get away from it. She freaked the hell out, even though I made it clear I wasn't leaving her

[Surnia]

Hurt llama

I am really sorry to hear about your bad Valentine.

Many of us had our bad experience with holidays. Its a issue here, no doubt.

I see a danger in these kind of posts, the danger to get stuck in the past, reasoning about a difficult situation.

What can you do to make holidays better for you in the future?

[mtmc01]

Hurt llama

I am really sorry to hear about your bad Valentine.

Many of us had our bad experience with holidays. Its a issue here, no doubt.

I see a danger in these kind of posts, the danger to get stuck in the past, reasoning about a difficult situation.

What can you do to make holidays better for you in the future?

Moving towards the future is the goal, but venting can and does help.

[paperlung]

2012 Christmas holidays was a complete gong show. I didn't spend Christmas with her because she had her "friend" from England over. Oh, the chaos and drama... .   When I found out what she and him were doing together on Skype before he came to visit. Sh*t hit the fan.

[Hurt llama]

Hurt llama

I am really sorry to hear about your bad Valentine.

Many of us had our bad experience with holidays. Its a issue here, no doubt.

I see a danger in these kind of posts, the danger to get stuck in the past, reasoning about a difficult situation.

What can you do to make holidays better for you in the future?

Moving towards the future is the goal, but venting can and does help.

It's more than venting and it does help to be share and receive 'validation'.

For me, the purpose of sharing things like this is a way of almost taking back power and to be free of an almost brainwashing technique that was done on me (not intentionally).

It's freeing to read that it's not just me that almost all holidays were just the absolute worst.

[Hurt llama]

What can you do to make holidays better for you in the future?

Good question!

First step is to almost grieve certain ones.

And I am nothing if not a stubborn man who doesn't quit easily (to an obvious fault) But that trait that I have works towards my advantage as well, as I am usually always willing to try again.

New Years Eve this year was calm and i spent with a friend and it was just good to survive it... .   As it is a painful memory more than a couple of times.

Valentine's Day... .   Well I think I am old enough that this one just is over and done with for me and like most people, I never really enjoyed it.

My birthday... .   was really great this year. I share it with my youngest and my ex BPD did send flowers and hopefully it marks the end of what I affectionally called it... .   "National Sleep with someone and let me know day"... . haha

I'm working through as much as I can and preparing for reuniting with my soulmate next week... .

I do love her and well... .   doin the best that I can do... .

Wait... .   Mother's Day! Father's Day... .

... .   holidays are just rough on everybody.

I really prefer not making big deals of any of them... .   neither do or did any of my close family.

[GreenMango]

HL holidays and special events are notoriously a time of added stress and pressure.  With a person with BPD these things are triggering.  It could be any holiday or just any day with expectations.

I gotta ask because you are a stayer or undecided - why post on leaving?

Leaving is great.  We try to focus on detachment though.  It can undermine your focus on making some headway or getting traction in the relationship.

[Hurt llama]

HL holidays and special events are notoriously a time of added stress and pressure.  With a person with BPD these things are triggering.  It could be any holiday or just any day with expectations.

I gotta ask because you are a stayer or undecided - why post on leaving?

Leaving is great.  We try to focus on detachment though.  It can undermine your focus on making some headway or getting traction in the relationship.

The way Valentine's Day and my birthday were used the first year we met was the most painful memories of my life. I know from reading here how much we all do share and know the pain I am referring to.

Prior to discovering this board, discussing much of what I experienced was almost impossible and never helpful really... . Not even with my therapist, who always had helped in the past.

I came to the board clearly to post in the "Leaving Section"... . There was no question or doubt and I didn't even want to browse any of the other sections as the idea of staying was actually sickening.

I've worked hard each day and have chronicled the experience with stories and asking for advice as well and it's been absolutely amazing to find a group of people who share much of the unfortunate (and yes, fortunate) aspects of a relationship with a partner who is BPD.

I am committed to trying again with my ex... . I am using some of the tools gently and gradually each time we communicate. It's been working really well.

I don't know exactly how to do it all yet... . I really am unsure how much I should share with her about certain things and am going to look for a specific therapist with experience in dealing with BPD and maybe seeing if she will go with me... . If this is wise, or would be a good idea... .   I really don't know... .

I am seeing her next week... . I am of course anxious about it and yet, I am looking forward to seeing her in a different light... . and I am all about regaining my 'lost' power.

I really love this board and do understand the purpose of it and how well it's laid out.

I am pretty clear in my process and how I am using the board to help myself and to support others whenever I can.

But I do understand and appreciate your concern and I don't want to post things that might undermine anyone else.

If this thread is a concern that it might, I am ok with it being deleted! (or moved!) perhaps to Undecided... . I think yes! Sorry, I actually didn't really pay attention to where I was posting... . I'm in all three!

HL

[GreenMango]

HL an upcoming holiday or event with your partner who you've experienced the "holiday trigger" with before is bound to make anyone pause.

I'm more concerned your replies since it is on leaving is going to be a bunch of dog piling on how bad a person with BPD has acted.  This doesn't help your frame of mind in finding some balanced solutions.

How about posting a question about your worry and ask for some advice from those seasoned stayers.  They know their stuff.

[Hurt llama]

HL an upcoming holiday or event with your partner who you've experienced the "holiday trigger" with before is bound to make anyone pause.

I'm more concerned your replies since it is on leaving is going to be a bunch of dog piling on how bad a person with BPD has acted.  This doesn't help your frame of mind in finding some balanced solutions.

How about posting a question about your worry and ask for some advice from those seasoned stayers.  They know their stuff.

I sent you a PM before I saw this post.

I'm trying to find my way in 'Staying'... . I am committed to trying and doing all I can but have not seen her and we are getting together next week to talk it out.

I understand the concern about piling onto BPD. I am a writer and there is a degree of satire, irony and attempted humor in bringing out some truly mind boggling events and then coloring them in with the almost abject blankness that only a person with BPD can bring.

I honestly laughed out loud to a post in this thread... .   and the laughter is obviously not because it's 'funny' but at the absurdity of the story.

It's not just venting I am doing... . it's a way of process and I am asking the "Stayer's" for advice on a daily basis!

I'm sure there are others here who don't just belong to one approach... .   and I was certainly not even able to read Staying until I was encouraged to post there as it didn't mean necessarily any firm commitment to 'staying' but in learning tools and ways to be with in your relationship with a BPD partner.

I also agree and don't mean to encourage piling on a BPD person... . I do clearly love my ex and as I recently posted... . I can make a long list of her positives easily... . and her negatives are very few... . yet they are potentially lethal. The skills I am quickly trying to learn will help me with her in trying to 'stay' and I think they will help me in any future relationships as well.

it's a confusing time for me to say the least.

[Hurt llama]

After reading your PM and thinking on it, I do agree that this thread might not serve it's intended purpose and might just add to the already negative energy that we have all experienced.

With that in mind... .   I vote to delete it or close... .  

(April Fool's Day was pretty crappy to when I think about it!

[GreenMango]

Hey confusion and uncertainty sounds pretty normal.  

Everyone needs a good laugh too.

Its more like you mentioned that staying has the best tools.  It doesn't have to be an I'm always going to be in this relationship no matter what situation.  It's more I'm committed to trying some new tools that could actually help the relationship.

Validation and being understood - Yes  .   What doesn't help is solid co-rumination with others - its not helpful because it breeds resentment if its not tempered with productive support.  Comparing those war stories is like a huge gripe fest... .   That feels good for only so long.  We all come here to lean on eachother a bit looking for support that in the long run is helpful.  

There are many members on leaving who would give their eye teeth for a chance to try again with their ex partners knowing what they know now and given the opportunity to do things a little differently.  It's an opportunity - take advantage of it.  And we all love reading a good story about success and how things are improving.  Id like to read that in your threads. 



Llama let's not delete it.  It's helpful because we all learn from each other and theres some good thoughts in here.

[Surnia]

After reading your PM and thinking on it, I do agree that this thread might not serve it's intended purpose and might just add to the already negative energy that we have all experienced.